nicekaylee

[nicekaylee]

January 1st 2024 My big self sabatoge

On October 9th, 2024. I will kill myself. I will overdose, get alcohol poisoning, or just get a gun, point it to my head, and click. Live on the internet.

There is a clock ticking now. Nothing has changed. nothing has changed since 9th grade, 2011. That's 13 years of nobody helping me with this problem that's ruined. my. life. and still ruining it today.

If i don't change my life this year, if my album isn't done. if i DONT figure it out, or get help to solve this extremely painful brain problem im living with. ..I will end it all.

I believe in what i can do. what i can offer. the highest confidence in myself and talents. But if my brain can't function properly to advance and succeed in a world like this..

Then there is no purpose. Im just living in repeated time cycles. And it's all the same every year, just decorated in different colors and people. But im still behind, no progression because of my literal chemical composition. I feel derealized. Like no one is real. Because nothing is real,

because another year not making any progress proves that im still stuck and nothing is real.

i lost a best friend, i'm not myself, i dont know who i am. i made a new close friend. We are not close anymore. very distant and i don't think we are going to last soon. I am extremely lonely and hurting and need help. I don't want to go. but i will go if nothing happens. I hope something or someone helps me. I will try my best to enjoy this year. I hope i look back at this and laugh and be like "damnnn what a bitch" hahah but it's not even being a bitch. It's being unseen while a person is actively dying.

[nicekaylee]

SEPTEMBER-DECEMBER 2023

took a vacation after the show failed to love my life again and stepped away from music 2. somebody moved into my studio so couldnt work on my album 3. went outside a looot more and met new friends. 4. met someone that WAS.... the person i was looking for, full of life and loud and hype and talented and beautiful and a spirit i resonated even deeper bc she also had ADHD. 5. started doing sunday jazz nights 6. made some new KAIYEME music and animations and art. 7. Did a new VICE KAYLEE show in October 9th and actually went amazing and well planned this time. FINALLY. 8. Fell in love or really liked or got into a fake delusional relationship/situationship with that girl. and it ended terribly. was amazing until it wasn't (september-december) we're barely friends and we barely talk now. i still love her unconditionally and i hope she gets better and i hope i get better. She is not the one that makes my life...better sadly, because i don't make hers. and i have issues too. but she does too. (it will drive me insane explaining this) 9. i learned to not be a carpet mat that gets walked on and grew thicker skin. 10. i lost my best friend of 9 years, he blocked me on everything. because i have a problem with over sharing. which i don't really.. i've just been extremely stressed out and it's not pathological. 11. im still not done with my album, i still havent progressed in life. 12. i started to skate and started adventure time for the first time ever. its amazing and skating feels so good. 13. me reymun are stronger friends than ever and will continue to be strong for black color that we still believe in. stanley and endee and are closer too but not as much as me and reymun. 14. had the best day of my whole year for an hour and 30 mins at a bouncy place with reymun and two girls from our past live shows. (december 30th) 15. Dec 31st im suicidal

and i still feel lonely i want to feel gratitidude or thankfullness for what i have. but two close people arent even there for me anymore. im burning on the inside. i've been rageful for the first time in my life like this. i might find faith this next year. i ran out of ideas. and only feeling more pain. and no love. wheres my family. my friends are fucked up because the way i prioritize them is fucked up. i dont feel like anything is real. i dont feel like anythings matters because i keep getting into the same cycle of nothing happening, and everybody gets to move forward in life. And i keep losing MORE in return. no love, no recognition. therapy never happened, they tried to cut me off. no money made. no love, no true bonds. reymun is close but lets keep it work safe.

but honestly im terribly alone and in pain and desperately need help, and love. i want to feel it, please

[nicekaylee]

august 3rd

i saw her yesterday night

made her a beautiful art portrait of her

and wrote the most beautiful song bout her

spilled my whole heart out to her

and she said no not even a kiss and i broke out in tears and went home

i hate not having a second chance to say more. i wish she would give me a chance

[nicekaylee]

july fucking 31st

it's 2 am

after the show i said fuck all of THIS

and went on a fucking vacation. and getting therapy

and it's been going pretty sick, therapy not started. but anyways thats a write up for another day. im just going to talk about something specific that happened today.. im so pissed, and heartbroken.

CONTEXT

in my past 3 years of wasting my life on this god damn album, someone i knew a bit lit up my life in the last year,2022. this girl. the way she dresses just opened up a new sense of inspiration for me that ive never had before. so i get to know her a bit more once we hang out, and then i get to know how similar our interest in things are. we talk on the phone, and it's really nice. i knew after my birthday that this girl was someone special to me. and even though she's inspiration, i wanted to know i wanted to be there to care for her and be a closer companion, especially after knowing her past history and how i feel like she may have not felt that. fast forward 10 fucking months and im no where closer. in fact, even further away. i bet this girl doesn't think about me at all. and i'm just confused cause she barely shows any emotion at all. like one of the hardest people to understand, yet im still so invested. but it's getting very one sided. I got very depressed after my birthday, and then super focused on my album so i had little social life.. if any at all. not one message of empathy from her.. a couple of times seeing her, but never alone.. but whatever that's not the real point of the story. that was all just context. THE REAL STORY

so it's july 2023 i can't look at her as a friend, cause i have too many feelings. we talk minimally but theres a group chat thats kinda our saving grace. and just recently, she started med school in galveston. fuck. during my vacation, i'm trying to enjoy my life more. ive always wanted to wait till after my album is done, where i feel like my life will be easier, but now a days im thinking.. fuck that. i'm tired of waiting to be in the right time of my life because i can't bottle these feelings any longer. like fr this shit is bothering me so much. i'm getting older and just wishing and having this crush with no substance makes no sense.

so i need to tell her asap.

i wanted to see her in galveston. somehow ended up into a group friend thing to visit her in galveston, then her mom shut that down.

because she is in the most complicated situation literally not meant for dating at all. no car, mom takes her everywhere, curfew as fuck,her mom doesnt even want her around guys, what the actual fuck. but fuck it, she makes time to hang out in houston..for like 2 hours.. but i appreciate it honestly i understand her life situation.

TODAY she pulls up to my friends house with her brother cause her moms a freak about her going out. it's another group hangout. how tf am i gonna tell her my feelings?? anyways,

i mention i went to galveston and she seems UPSET THAT I DIDNT TELL HER?? CAUSE SHE COULDA MADE A WAY TO SEE ME..

NOW SHE WANTS TO SEE ME? WTF. idk dude it's so hard to understand her. so that was some good insight. but it's the past so whatever..

we play mario party on the switch. finish and it's about time to go. i whip out a surprise bag with gifts i wanted to treat my 2 other friends and her with! snacks for one, a fork for another, and i got her these super cute pens. she seemed to like them! she then says i didn't have to get this cause she knows im broke. WTF. honestly, shit was funny. idc but then she starts talking to me or us about some more details of her school life. she seems to always looks at me more. like most of the time. i LOVE that, but i have no clue how basic that is for her. she tells me shes finally gonna start her dream cover band, which is sick, love to hear that. someone said i should do a cover band.. i made a face and was going to say i actually do plan on it--

THEN SHE FUCKING CUTS ME OFF. AND FUCKING SAYS I SHOULD MAKE CUTE JINGLES FOR MY GIRLFRIEND(S)?? LIKE HALLMARK CARDS w pretty messages and simple JINGLES?? .....WHAT THE FUCK...

im staring at her like about to fucking lose my mind... cause i want to do that FOR HER. i almost impulsivey confess everything i feel to her. but everyone was right around me, her brother too. and i didn't know if it would be bad for her brother to hear..and have him spread info to her mom ..which will fuck her over more. i didn't wanna do that. so i just calmed down and played dumb. she left and said it's gonna be a long time till she'll see us again. what the fuck. im so mad. my friends said i shoulda just told her right there.. but idk it was so much random pressure and i wanted to be courteous and not fuck her over..

but jesus fucking christ im so mad. or some other word to describe how riled up that got me. this woman needs to know how i feel. i actually dont give a fuck anymore. im a grown dude and that annoys me that this is all weird puzzle solving teenage shit. cause if she was hinting, fuck her so im going to galveston this wednesday. giving her A SPECIAL hallmark card with a beautiful art of her and a BEAUTIFUL SONG only for her. not for OTHER girlfriends.. FOR HER. she is the one i want to make these things for . she needs to know shes the one i care about. before some asshole gets to her in galveston. honestly i actually dont care. i just wanna make sure she knows how special she is to me. that'll give me peace of mind. and she says no, then honestly im okay. anyways im doing it. wednesday. cant bottle this in anymore. i really hope she lets me see her man. i just want to let her know how special she is to me. it'll hurt my heart knowing if i never did anything. and maybe she'll share something loving as well

maybe

[nicekaylee]

JULY 14TH

the show just finished. 3:29am and im eating some salty ass fries from water burger

so excited to type because what the fuck was that.

am i just pessimistic? cause i really dont see why this show even had to happen. now it's happened... and i just don't feel any better. like it makes no sense that i did this..

lemme be positive and lay out some pros and cons pros: - i was able to show my album update with friends - saw who the real ones were that actually came to see me - i can look back at how i look when i perform when im tired as fuck ready to pass out at any momet - i can half ass clutch doing an album run even when im not ready

reymun and stanley are good performers

cons:

everything fucking else just be ready to perform. and i wasnt

i played at 12:30am again

tired as fuck. i should be trying my BEST.

not trying my best not to pass OUT..

i wasn't done with the songs

and i hate that i cant hear myself in the venue.

the vox are so reverberated it fucked with me.

i had looking amateur

and that's becuase i probably am.

made no fucking money from this show.

nobody there to help me set up

shit was noisy and i couldn't concentrate.

so ima get better. and im not doing a show until i have fans. fuck this

1 more month to release album. i can't take this anymore.

[nicekaylee]

july 12

3 days before the show. im finally starting to invite some close friends of mine. some arent even coming bc they don't feel like it.

this is how disconnected my music life is from my regular life. it's all so seperate and i hate it. I never talk about how important this shit it to me. like with some friends.. we'll hang out and play video games and chill..yall can make time for that? but dude, this is something that makes me feel like i really accomplished something. super proud at a high level. and yall can't come.

but i cant complain because i've been missing in their lives too. but not always. just for this period of time.

anyways, playing this shit is supposed to be for people i know first and foremost. but if nobody i became friends with show up. just makes it feel fucking lonely, as fucking USUAL.

i can't wait to fix my life. and ima make sure i don't hide my passions... ima put that first in front of everybody. theyll have to know what means the most to me.

but luckily, migs , stanley, reymun will be there. devon is too. i hope jason is too, and i really hope hania will be there.

that feels better than playing to strangers. right now at least

[nicekaylee]

july 6

Public diary July 6th

Recently I feel like something shattered in me after listening back to all the hard work I did the past month. Im not gonna lie, I feel really lost and I don’t know what to do. I lost confidence for my voice AGAIN. And now I feel like I wasted all my time. I lost confidence in my time management because everything is a mess with planning. I lost motivation because I feel overwhelmed. I put all this work in and I don’t even know if it’s pushing me closer to finishing. Idk if I’ll finish by the time the show comes.. and cancelling the show is starting more like the right thing to do. I want to fucking cry, that won’t even make me feel better. Because I’ll be crying alone in this room that I Hate. And nothing will change. I hate being alone. I was already feeling alone.. years ago...and I pushed just about 3 more years of feeling MORE alone by committing to this album. Nobody will even read this. Who even CARES. This is what makes me go crazy. I wish I had actual help or someone to dive into my head to help me realize what the fuck is going on with me. I hate living with ADHD. At my level, it’s actually a fucking disease. this shit is like killing your self and still living. Because u lose time, and friends and meaningfulness in life. How the fuck am I 26.. scratch that. Read this. Imagine you are 26, but still in 9th grade. You failed every year since you were 15. Everyone around you is grown, finished college, have jobs, Love life, kids, have grown and progressed. YOU are still stuck, even though you have the talent to do just as good as anybody else. But there’s like a hole in your brain. And u just can’t seem to finish your final exam. So you fail and fail again. It’s insane. This shit is not fun. Life is not FUN like this. Y’all would want to shoot your self in the head if you dealt with a nightmare like this. But I DONT simply because I know I deserve my chance at my purpose in life. WHICH HAS ONLY GROWN FOR OTHERS. I wanted to quit art, specifically music which I was planning TO. Then I had a revelation after meeting this young person at one of my old teaching jobs. And it changed everything for me.

this person taught me how to love life again. because it’s not that i don’t love music and art. it’s that the world is taking away my love of it from ME. so i felt so inspired to do it again. but i felt like before i go in making art about me loving life. It would be completely disrespectful ignoring the pain that i felt (and still currently feel) in life that i KNOW certain people are feeling. and the reason i want to write about it.. is because nobody touches on it really. i need it for myself. and i want my pain to be heard. but nobody cares about feelings of one person with no merit. nobody actually cares unless you make a huge platform, which i don’t have. so i decided to decorate the most vulnerable, meaningful, most naked album, with the most offensive things i could think of. because ironically people would react to that in seconds.

i already talked about the process of making this. it’s a nightmare. i never learned how to rap. i don’t know how to properly do anything. i just do it cause my soul told me to. and it’s 99% me guiding myself through this. just me. no one else. . years gone by, im already kinda grown past this story. …but if i don’t finish it, i’ll have wasted 3 more years of my life. then i’ll actually go crazy. none of this is fun. and im so alone in this. and being alone makes you want to die. once this album is done, im never doing it like this again. cause it just makes you suicidal. i don’t like being suicidal. i like to love life, but im not loving life. end

[nicekaylee]

JULY 5TH 2023

i just want somebody to be equally hype with. im almost there with reymun.

but i mean someone who understands why im doing this music and is hyping me up to keep going with it. it feels so lonely making this type of music and no one understand why you shifting to a sound like this. i feel so lost doing this on my own.

an even bigger problem is i don't even know how to execute my own music to where i like it. it sucks dick knowing you wrote a song that undresses you to the most naked state... and yet you can't execute it because your vocals suck..

my voice fucking sucks.. i tried my whole best doing these vocals and was on a roll until everything got shattered after i showed a song from the album to friends. i knew it sucked. nobody even has proper comments back. well devon did.

i just need to not care about my voice. ill keep trying i guess..

p.s.

i dont know if i'm going to cancel the show. i don't know if it's me logically wanting to cancel, me being a bitch, or depression.

sigh. i just want someone who really understands. just 1 person.

im never doing music alone again after this album. this is the worst experience ive ever had. just so lonely.

[nicekaylee]

JULY 2ND 2023

2 weeks before the Vice Kaylee Album show

I FORGOT that this shit is about having fun. This is NOT fun. im dealing with the pain of high functioning mental disease that just so happens to ruin everything I love. for years.. i’m in a studio that I can afford, thankfully. But im so bitter around people Ive been friends with for years. I don’t even act myself. How the fuck am I supposed to be the leader of a group, and a HYPE COLORFUL FULL OF LIFE LEADER. When im just a stressed out, boring sad loser in the corner.  NOT saying I can’t be hype. I can plan to be myself, which is actually crazy. I have to plan for that. To be myself. But most of the time I’m just focused on not getting my life fucked over so deeply that I take away every quality of myself away. Because to me, that’s a distraction. And distractions have ruined so much for me in the past. I feel like a stranger around people I know, which is weird. and the crazy part is I KNOW WHO I AM. I KNOW WHAT I WANT TO BE. and I’m only that like 5% of the time cause the other 95% im trying not to fuck up.

Also I fucking hate my voice. TO me it’s not high enough or low enough or not swag enough or not loud enough. i been so caught up about it bc I feel people are gonna judge me

but what fucking ever.  I saw a Tyler npr video, and once again im so inspired.

He said “excuse me everybody. I can’t fucking sing… but you know what?…

I don’t fucking CARE..because it feels GOOD. Like a warm shower..or something like that”

GOOD POINT. I was born with this fucking voice. Ima go hard with it. I don’t fucking care no more. Ima just try my best. And ima fucking try my best to own it. This is my album my music. And this is how my voice is.

black color

[nicekaylee]

BLACK

JENNETTE MCCURDY IS BLACK

KANYE IS BLACK

NICE KAYLEE IS BLACK.