nicknackpattyjack

[nicknackpattyjack]

My birthday us comingggg uuupppp

[nicknackpattyjack]

Hmmmmm finally got my hands on the Little Prince Hirono figures except I didn’t get the ones I wanted 😞😞 ACTUALLY IM HAPPY ABOUT THE CONCEITED MAN, he’s pretty nice, but yk. Still disappointing because it’s not as cool.. I’m still really happy and grateful I was finally able to get TWO but it’s still a little sad because I spent my money and it was just kind of lame..

But you knooowwww any of my loved ones who seeee thiiiiisssss my birthday is coming uuuupppp hehheh… Oh hey, whats this?

[nicknackpattyjack]

As soon as this change, I become a speck of nothing at all. Mere speculation, no more than a passerby, something like funny starvation, why am I not enough? Am I good? Will I be enough? Can I be good and enough and satisfactory? I am nothing more than something less than. And I shrink and shrivel into a small fetus, holding my knees close to my chest and hiding my face. They do not wonder, they talk over me, they don’t talk to me, I have nothing to say now. I walk in the hot sand and the salt crusts on my cheeks.

[nicknackpattyjack]

[nicknackpattyjack]

Art fight themes are out

Im gonna choose fossils because I loooovveee dinosaurs !!

[nicknackpattyjack]

I hope it lasts forever because when I try to imagine my future, I don’t want one without… And I feel like that’s significant.

[nicknackpattyjack]

Ggghhhhhh maybe when the lights are low and my features blur together, and my pores and bumps aren’t visible, and the pink in my cheeks blend with the dim, red glow, and my lips are shut and quiet, and the outline of my body is also the outline of the wardrobe or the edge of the bed or the carpet or the blankets and pillows, and your eyes are half shut and squinting.. Maybe then Im a little bit beautiful too?

[nicknackpattyjack]

why is everything so hard but not actually that hard just i cant do it

[nicknackpattyjack]

This summer Let’s make everything happen

[nicknackpattyjack]

how to get close to people for beginners

getting close to people strategies

first time getting close to people walkthrough

techniques for getting close to people

[nicknackpattyjack]

My loved ones are too broke to eat where I work

My loved ones are too broke to eat where I work

[nicknackpattyjack]

Everyone unmask NOW

Everyone make commitments NOW

Everyone get fatter NOW

Everyone love louder NOW

EVERYONE LOVE LOUDER NOW.

EVERYONE MAKE YOUR LOVE KNOWN NOW.

Goddammit oh my fucking god

[nicknackpattyjack]

Time is a thief and Im scared my time is being wasted and Im scared Im running out

[nicknackpattyjack]

Gggghhh one day, one day I hope to be good and forgiven and not bad. And I’ll walk around good and people will know I’m good and nothing will be bad and nothing will feel bad and I’m good and I know everything I don’t, because I dont know anything now because nothing is confirmed and nothing is promised, omfg and it’s all my fault and it always is and always has been and I’ve ruined everything, and when Im with people and walk around people they can see it on me and I infect them all, and this is stupid and I just feel stupid all the time everything I do is stupid everything I say is stupid everything I think is stupid and it plays in my head on constant loops and I cant ask for it and Im so ashamed that I want it and I just have to wait and wait and hope and it crushes me but one day I’ll be forgiven and I’ll be good and I’ll feel it and I’ll know it confidently and it’ll be confirmed and it’ll be promised and I won’t even have to worry and I’ll be old and in love just like how I’m young and in love but I’ll be good and forgiven AND ILL BE WORTH IT I’ll be worth it Im not worth it ig but I’ll be good and forgiven and worth it and thats the difference and I need to figure out how to get there

[nicknackpattyjack]

Nothings promised, nothings guaranteed, nothings contractual, yk lifes not reciprocal or whatever, but I wish it was, so now I lwk just have to die

[nicknackpattyjack]

BWAAAAHHHH WHAT IF ITS JUST LIKE LAST YEAR WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF EVERYTHING JUST REPEATS WHAT IF IT HAPPENS ALL OVER AGAIN OMFG GET TS OUT OF MY HEAD LIKE HELLO WHAT WHAT WHAT

[nicknackpattyjack]

Six years later they tried for another, and they got one, and they wanted it. Two years later, simply for fun, and it followed too. In a black seat with a handle, a diapered boy in cowboy boots and an eight year old are the ones talked about in this story usually. Standing beyond the wall, they talked without discretion, and behind the wall cheeks grew damp and salty. Tapping heels against wooden floor. Sleeping on the bathroom carpet with swollen eyes and snotty nose, puking in the toilet just thinking about it. Pulling a towel over cold skin. The lights never turned off, bright, beaming down. Climbing into the empty tub, almost turning on the faucet with a towel over the mouth at the age of seven. In the early morning, waking with an anvil against a beating heart, to never know what they’re feeling, walking on eggshells entering the kitchen, their faces and actions a lie. Their voices echoed in the halls for years, and in broad daylight they still do not confess and they lie. And lie. And they lie. And it’s not true, scared it’s not real, and it’ll be over and and and and and and and and