nihilisticals - Tumblr blog

[nihilisticals]

Healing is such a funny thing. In a lot of ways I feel like I've healed from the wounds caused by my father and my first love. And I do think that has and will always be the start of my agression, paranoia, hurt. I have since learned to forgive, though I never quite forget. I worry sometimes I hurt others in the same way I have been hurt time and time again. I wish to break the cycle though I'm never quite sure how to. Over the years I have been in many relationships, I've been the one to end each and every single one. Friendships, family ties, romantic partners... I wonder if I'm the issue, or if the universe has just been playing a sick joke on me, and really burning those bridges are for the best.

In recent days I've reconnected with people. Mostly people I have wronged, or I feel like I have wronged. In some ways I don't think the way I felt was incorrect, but maybe the way I acted because I was hurt was wrong. I know I'll never be the one to receive an appology from someone else. If that ever did happen maybe I could heal a bit better. But for now I will just live in the limbo of believing that I am not in the wrong, and that I deserve and appology, but the only appology that will ever grace my ears is one that comes from my own voice, labeled with someone else's name.

[nihilisticals]

in another universe, my window is open and im laying on my floor. i am 12 years old. nothing bad has happened to me.

[nihilisticals]

It's been a while.

I'm a young adult now, and I think much of the internet will assume I will act like a well seasoned 40 year old who sits on the porch with a blut and giggle about absolutely fabulous and relinquish any attachments to the internet that I may have. I made this blog when I was 6 living through homophobia and transphobia in the middle east, and in a lot of ways I've changed and in a lot of ways I haven't. So many of my posts have been deleted, no longer relevant, or that I feel I have healed from all the reasons I posted them.

Even as a young adult who in a lot of ways hasn't changed, I'm protective of my friends. I have a strong sense of what is right and wrong and what it means to do right by your fellow people of the earth. So not taken a repeated attempt to undermine my boundaries and the boundaries my adult friends have set to a minor. And I hope said minors learn that at my 'grown age of 22' I have never taken shit. I will never take shit. From the likes of vermine who desire nothing more than to hurt others.

You lost the battle hun, and you don't even need me to tell you that.

[nihilisticals]

There is a first time for everything, and I guess I'll start here

I can't help like feeling like my online 'friends' are out to get me. I'm being blamed for things I didn't do, despite asking for evidence, especially since apparently it was a repeated thing. And apparently there was something else that was conveniently forgot even though it was super important. Anyway. It's pulled my online friend group apart and people have slowly stopped talking to me, and it's painful to see friendships I've worked on for a year slowly fizzle out. I'll post an expose after this.