nimayndolo

[nimayndolo]

Hey y’all—I’m back! Here’s me in my light & bright essence ❤️❤️✨✨❤️❤️

[nimayndolo]

I’m starting to not be scared of the idea of grabbing drinks with people & getting to know them.

What scared me most about interacting with people romantically/sexually was my inability to advocate for myself. However, now I’m starting to feel that I know how to express my wants & concerns enough to be able to throw others in the mix.

This could be fun if I can keep up the self advocacy….

[nimayndolo]

update

[nimayndolo]

In regards to overextending myself, I have no frame of reference for comparison. I guess this makes me overextend myself while hating myself for “not doing enough.”

Whatever. My body seems sick of it. I didn’t think much of fainting two nights ago because it was my first time fainting since summer 2022. However, three friends told me that I may need to take a break, so I’m running on that advice.

I was planning a road trip with my dad two days after Christmas (I’d have to fly to Alabama, then we’d drive to New Orleans), but I’ve decided against it. I was also going to Utah at the end of January, but no more.

I saw Merrily We Roll Along on December 21st last year. That musical honestly changed my life. I know Frank, the protagonist was flawed, but I related to/loved him so much.

There was a negative life event and an emotional breakdown he suffered that led to an entire musical number that consisted of Frank’s friends telling him to take a break and go away.

I remember reading that Margot Robbie finished Barbie, soldiered through that historic press run, then ran off to go be on a boat and have a baby with her husband.

After living my life for the past two years, I now get when creatives often go hard in bursts, come out, showcase their projects, then go back into hiding.

Creative burnout is a thing.

It’s a fucking thing—and I officially think I am suffering from it.

I am now taking seriously the idea of going away—however, now I think a guided retreat may be a better option.

I feel so drained and uninspired recently. My brain needs to heal.

[nimayndolo]

Who remembers VEEPSTAKES 2024???

that had to be one of the most fun periods of this year. It was DURING the Olympics and President JB just stepped out of the race. Things felt ELECTRIC. The world felt so festive.

During the “Veepstakes” I would post SO MUCH on my finsta about Harris’s Presidential VP picks. It felt like a sport draft and I was “stanning” Buttigieg.

Here’s A WHOLE POST I did—and mind you, I’m starting to realize how delusional I was:

WTF kind of analysis is this?

I thought Shapiro was hot until “oppo” research started dropping.

Omg, I also started saying “oppo,” like I was some cool person at Politico. Like bfr 😂

This was also before DNC and energy was HIGH. I would dump so much on my stories:

When we were doing our DNC registration, they had us submit photos and this was the photo I made and submitted:

Apparently, I also submitted this pic when I applied for Soho house. I forgot, but was jump scarishly reminded this weekend in Miami when I checked in and caught a glimpse of the screen.

Ngl. I’m proud of this pic 😬🤷🏾‍♀️

THOUGHT:

Could I be depressed becau—

NOTE: I’m going to bed. I’ll continue the “thought” later.

[nimayndolo]

I was so incredibly stressed. Impostor syndrome makes me horribly hard on myself because I invalidate myself simply because I have goals I have that I haven’t achieved yet.

Idk.

Anyway, impostor syndrome etc… On Saturday, I had a beach day with 2 of 4 of the women I call my NYC sisterhood. It was healing. J and I have been internet friends for 8 years, but irls for nearly 3 and Kara and I are going to 2 years. Clearly, longtime friends are gonna have moments of tension—and there was one, but we talked it out and moved onto a healing beach day.

It was a tad melancholically tinged. I was feeling worn out from the week, plus I wasn’t still fully out of this reclusive thing I’ve been on. J & I talked about an issue and Kara was stressed, so we just simply went to the beach and laid in the sun silently next to each other and rot scrolled.

Rot scrolling turned into rot scrolling and talking about stuff on our phones, then it turned into us having fun, getting our moods up, then having an impromptu photo shoot.

After that, we went to a final mini artist group show, then we went to STK (after Soho House told us it would be a 2 hour wait time???). We danced to the DJ while eating, then came home.

It was a healing sisterhoodly day.

Between Thanksgiving two weeks ago and NYC sibling Basel last week, I deeeeefinitely feel mentally better.

I’m looking up 🫶🏾

[nimayndolo]

Me & my five star sister posing with bags on a sled in our hometown park

Yana and I were taking a pic on the stairs, and these temporary brothers joined in

Looking cute at the Miu Miu party and feeling this bag more than I actually expected

Holding hands at Thanksgiving with my actual brother. He and I do these long holds where we either hold hands or hold each other for extended periods. Now that my aunt came over, she’s become his emotional support hand holder

My sister’s sister in law’s husband playing with her mother in law’s new puppy at Thanksgiving. This new puppy has behaviorally low reviews amongst some of their family members. Tea…

Me, J, & Kara at the beach

Me—a “coastal grandma purist,” in ACTUAL traditional coastal garb

[nimayndolo]

Gucci Mane really did know how to make a banger

[nimayndolo]

Shooting my show pilot today.

Yes I’m dancing here, but because I need to be psyched up for set. If I bring my current low energy to set rn, my show could tank.

I feel like a loser. I’m a 30 year old woman and I asked my mom for help yesterday.

Post election, I’m realizing that I’m needing to use weed or alcohol to write anything. I’m not even sure how funny my scripts are these days because I definitely no longer laugh or smirk while writing them.

I feel like I’m writing blindly and robotically.

My manager and I had our biweekly meeting two days ago and it was pointed out that I haven’t posted unbranded content in two weeks.

Of course I haven’t posted.

I’m fucking TIRED.

Whenever I sit down to write, NOTHING COMES OUT ANYMORE.

I can’t even visualize scenes in my head for my long form writing. I feel broken and I feel like a loser.

Post breakup, I’ve also been feeling like I may not ever find a partner—and tbh, I’ve actually made peace with this. I get that my personality can be a bit much or a bit overstimulating to people and that could be making me appear undesirable. That’s okay. I’m over it—AND I’m actually done trying to DAMPEN MYSELF for someone.

I don’t need a person that badly. Besides, I don’t even have the mental capacity for a person right now.

I have my mom, my sister, Esther, Leelah, MJ, and Kara.

I have myself.

All one needs are themselves and their girls.

I also feel like a piece of shit for going mia on my friends (the four mentioned above). I’ve been so tired and I’ve become reclusive as a result.

I hate this hate this hate this.

I feel like a loser, a shitty friend, and just plain ineffective at my job.

Writing and shooting content feels like trying to shit a cinder block.

It hurts and I just go brain dead. I also realize while tipsy writing or trying to come up with script concepts that my jaw is mostly always clenched.

The clenching has led to a dental abscess. I got that taken care of yesterday and I’m on antibiotics.

The clenching is still there and I’ve been doing it at night since fashion month. My head hurts most of the week because of this.

This week I’ve had to take diphenhydramine multiple times because I couldn’t just relax and sleep.

I’m mentally fucked up right now.

[nimayndolo]

So sad rn.

But I truly have no reason to be sad.

This has to be chemical or stress related.

[nimayndolo]

it’s my sashimi party, I can cry if I want to

[nimayndolo]

My dad and I have been BONDING over our intense mutual D I S T A S T E for a family member lmaooooaoaoaao

#my parents are fucking hilarious ffs #this is so toxic but it’s so funny to me

[nimayndolo]

twinkle sparkle sparkling ✨

[nimayndolo]

I want to live in a green Fruitiger Aero hellscape.

[nimayndolo]

My (year) Night of Rest & Relaxation

That god forsaken Otessa Mosfegh book will ALWAYS be in some part of my psyche—and I’ll always “act out,” parts of that book in times of despair.

For instance, since the election results I’ve felt punched in the stomach and gutted. Last night, I did like a very specific Mosfegh protagonist, took three diphenhydramine and passed out for eleven hours. While asleep, I listened to some Hz frequencies.

Sigh.

I’m DEFINITELY much better rested afterward.

I’ve felt the necessary emotions. I didn’t suppress them. I def wallowed, but now I need to snap out of it. I’ve had two days to emote, cry, and be sad. Right now, I need to focus on optimism. Not in a toxic way. Genuine optimism.

I can’t get sad or feel hopeless right now. I need to get my head elsewhere.

[nimayndolo]

TODAY

I’ve worn this “hoodie” three times this week. I don’t care. I love it.

I woke up to take my friend to an appointment, so I didn’t do much with my hair. I def looked wild, but I felt great in the whole ensemble

#clothes #dailyoutfit

[nimayndolo]

UPDATE

I got sent a dick pic a day ago. After a lot of thought, fuck all this lol

#feeld

Dating Apps

I hate dating. I’m deleting the apps (hinge & tinder). HOWEVER, there’s Feeld. I’ve known about it, but I never took it seriously.

HOWEVER, I started taking it seriously this morning. I can’t lie, I love people’s attitudes on there. Tinder and Hinge feel so cold. Raya is a popularity contest where people are too cool to be real and authentic.

People seem really honest, human, and kind on Feeld though. The bios are written without the nonchalant airs sometimes seen on the other apps and people just seem like they’re searching for genuine human connection. Whether it’s friendship, mutual friendly pleasure, or just connection and realness, the app residents just seem chill. Kindness seems to be the law of the land there.

I love how open to honest communication people are on there. The app users seriously set a precedent of kindness and authenticity.

I’ve actually had fun swiping on there this morning.

WITH ALL THIS BEING SAID.

The LAST THING I need or want is a relationship—and I mean this from the bottom of my core.

My last relationship morphed into a mother-child dynamic. IT SUCKED MY SOUL and drained the life out of me. Right now, I DO NOT need to be responsible for another human being like that. I only have the emotional capacity to heal myself. I CANNOT concern myself with another person in the way that a relationship requires—and I can’t do this for a VERY long time.

I truly want to be single for a while. Being paired up slows me down. It’s also just fucking horrible. Based off my past relationship and the twoish flings I had before that, I don’t want to be in a relationship again. They have never been emotionally, spiritually, or sexually beneficial to me.

EVER.

IF I end up dating someone again, it’ll be the result of a friendship where care, patience, and consideration for me are demonstrated.

Ever since this breakup, I’ve really been paying attention to how my main four friends make me feel. They make me feel WONDERFUL and uplifted. They listen to me and they respect my boundaries. Whenever we argue, we aren’t defensive. We argue with the purpose of solving the issue (as opposed to arguing to win the argument).

If I’m going to involve myself deeply with a person again, whoever they are has to make me feel as good—and even better than my friends do.

I swear to god. If I befriend a guy and I can sense the friendship start to move toward a sexual area (I’m not closed off to this in some cases) and ANY OF MY BOUNDARIES ARE PUSHED, I’m running. (NOTE: I had to stress “guy,” because I’ve never experienced predatory boundary pushing with women partners)

No friendship is worth a pushed boundary.

As far as sex goes, I WILL NEVER sit through mutually unbeneficial sex AGAIN. I’m a 30 year old woman. I do not HAVE TO have bad sex if I don’t want to.

Nine years of bad sex has caused me to be so indifferent toward the act that I no longer care about grinning and bearing it. For me to have it, it MUST be good. If it’s not, I’m getting up and leaving the second I sense an ounce of selfishness.

Another rule I’m sticking to is ABSOLUTELY no sex without a minimum of 30 minutes of foreplay. If a prospective partner thinks that excessive or too much, I can respect that and will support them and myself in parting ways.

I must be kept happy and I must be kept fulfilled. The old attitudes that prioritized “keeping a man,” and “keeping a man happy,” are dead and dying. Women are realizing that we no longer have to do this.

With the amount of work and stress that I have, I’d be stupid and seeking self destruction to willingly add to my caseload a human being who takes away from my experience.

Sex and relationships are supposed to be pleasurable, but authentic and constructive. Not harmful and selfish.

With all this being said, I’m gonna rewrite my bio on Feeld. I WANT to match the openness I see on there. I really can’t lie, the guys on there actually seem like cool and safe people. My friends who’ve used the app also report similar things.

Guys who are cool and safe can make good friends. I’m getting over this relationship, I’m also getting over and trying to avoid sentiments that lean toward misandry. Men exist. Their existence is NOT inherently a bad thing. They’re a part of nature and that means that they can be existed alongside with harmoniously.

I LOVE harmonious friendships with people. Those are fulfilling. If I strike up a friendship with a dude and I sense sexual tension and IM DOWN FOR IT, then I’m so open to a beautiful friendship like that.

As for anything resembling the nearly 6 year…thing I just exited, NEVER AGAIN. “Love” doesn’t mean that someone should spiritually and emotionally die and suffer just for the wellbeing of the parasitic other. Thats not love. Fuck ALL that.