nine-wren-blog

[nine-wren-blog]

09032019

im in bed 2356 and woke up today to lawn moving. my family was in seoul hong kong all last week. i missed thrm and also felt sad remembering how it felt to be alone. been rethinking my future a lot and feeling melancholy. wish there was some way to change my past errors. wishto learn soon but dont know where to begin.

lately ive been just friends wish sarah. isabel. luther. sadie. it feels ok but with all.4 (sarah esp ) ive been feeling in love/desire/infatu. tough to feel lonely but healthy to practice friendship.

scared also to feel like ive been letting family down. feel like a consistent disappointment and spend all of my money selfishly away. feeling ok to know that im protected by my family but also feel overall depression. wanting sorely to be close to success soon but feels like a wrong desire without sbriety.

eyes feel hurting. scared that br guy hurt himself electric style. wishing that my dad was happier with me and in life. wishing to be happy soon for me also and in peace and to find others happy and safe.

went to pathophys at 6 , 5 mins late. saw isabel after and rewatched part of girl who leapt through time even though ive seen it before. missing sarah hope to see her soon.

feeling guilty. i guess. scared. hopeful. ominous. nap...?

[nine-wren-blog]

07122019

0124 morning dark out fairly cloudy today. lying back trying to remember my long winded day. began with studying around 6 am and falling asleep repeatedly after failed attempts. got up finally to study with brooklyn in the lab, but really felt like i interrupted her. associations, helped me, but ,.. i wonder.

took the exam and felt confident, but still unsure. need to study more more more next time, sure i can get at least a B in the class. let’s bet.

omge,e, then emma asked if we could hang out some time and of course i shot back quickly, because....this year my intimidating crush meets have been realized. but then i do this beautiful thing where i show them love and subtract the shallow romance superficial attraction from it and it works out so well.

so first i bought some citrus tone even though i had some at home (-_-) haha and a eucalyptus plant which i hope she will like, i guess it’s her mothers garden. :-) anyway she seems so cool and i felt honored really. like more than a little special. i bought her food and gifted her lapis lazuli,, hope it wasn’t too awkward? now i just remain quiet until she responds to test out my undereagerness even though i am sitting here writing her a paragraph which could very well say,

the first thing i noticed were your hands, eyes, and how you spoke. then it was your hair i had always been enchanted by. then your general outfit and how you reminded me so much of an attorney that had also been a umkc professor. i thought about small lies i told you, but really. i am so shy and want to impress. that’s so bad of me.

also, speaking less to esther maybe she is mad at me. hehe. jk i love her to death just in that way it seems. maybe i try too hard. but anyway we spoke about many things and how she read a book about animal extinctions and watched a show with her mom about chernobyl. i miss her and sarah and esther and jo, all my girl friends who are finally just girlfriends to me a girl with no romance. now i am sitting here trying to get high and typing and overcoming beauty standards.

this saturday is july 13 2019 my dad’s birthday and me and my sister took him to la bodega. fancy and 111$. split, ok, but wow. they got tacos after and i saw sarah.

i cant believe i am spending time with her again. i am expressing everything i feel and love about her. i am so shy.

[nine-wren-blog]

06/04/2019

i guess im happy. sarah contacted me and my heart reignited. it’s a fact to me it always will. adrian sent late message. went on a run and took a 4 hour nap after night shift. second day of summer physiology. cancelled lab. tall girl talked to me. missing chelsea thinking about my birthday.

wanting to take more videos of clouds. deeply in love with adrian and want to mail her some lapis lazuli or bismuth. missing re as a friend and wanting to mail him some bismuth i think. sleepy eyes.

truly the deepest scenario of missing sarah angel. worked a 1:1 last night and met fast s,i. lady. ready for nap and hugs in dreams. i love the people i love the most; my dreams are never wrong.

[nine-wren-blog]

5/28/2019 11:02 pm

today i worked with someone it was his birthday. fell asleep last night wndering why i think / revolve my happiness around love/crushes. seems i am as good as my exes who similarly surrendered themselves for love (toward me/marriage romance). what is a bond exactly?

waiting, wondering asking myself who her friends are. what kind of dinner. should i cry and give up. type out a long message “look i just want to be friends forever because i am afraid that it is already happening that you are already [not mine].” some sick conclusion. a possession binding me.

still big thief will be in chicago oct 18 and i told her (yes, it’s an invitation).

in the mean time, what stars? are you? sending?

[nine-wren-blog]

05/27/2019 11:27 pm

right now i wanted to text someone. i love you good night.

tomorrow i work so esrly at 6 45 a, but im thinking i will have a good day. i had a nice day with sadie going to at home and ulta. we have been friends for a long time. it is weird whenever i see anything romantic between us but also our bond feels familial so. it will eventually mature on me as i do.

thought a lot about sarah today. i guess chelsea broke up with me because she realized i didnt really love her. i dont know how that just now happened. maybe i am still not emotionally prepared to. fall in love. could i ever?

it is weird. to feel the crushes feelings i feel. for example, with adrian. but then it extends to emma who i have barely talked with but dream about. and christiana who i talk with and find beautiful graceful but too young immature and presumptious.

i will go sleep now. thanks for listening. i guess i am high and sad in general. but also feel hopeful because of my content and the fact adrian speaks so sweetly to me. i mailed her a book, wonder if she’ll like it. i hope so.

a dream is become baking partners with adrian and forget. about running so much.

but i love to run and i love the music. it’s weird to fall in love with another. adrian makes my heart shine, indefinitely.

[nine-wren-blog]

05/27/2019 6:48 pm

no no no no no i’m falling in love. :-\ adrian says my name atthe beginnings of texts amd has stolen my heart with “i want to be attentive to you when we meet” amd “thinking of you” and “sweet thought thinking of you watching fireworks” i want to cry.

i dont know if i can go through this again,,,,,....i want to cry :-\ i;m nit strong enough for relationships or falling in love anymore. i wish i was a little bit happier.

[nine-wren-blog]

dream 5/25/19

sarah was dating a robin/christopher mix also a blind girl. spyro pipe, right by maple woods, like a center in mexico with overland park shops. stole (something). also accidentally stole drake’s pizza from a mailbox. omplcated family with a baby also reminded me of pimi’s house. pulled mysterious twenties from my wallet and felt confident. just a weird over-dreaming. good sleep.

[nine-wren-blog]

[nine-wren-blog]

hi.

last night i had wild dreams about being in mexico and simultaneously with a variety of friends and strangers seen as friends. i ended up winning a giant rose quartz crystal which was vibrating. our friends also helped rescue this turtle from being beat to a pulp. my sister wanted to go swim behind a shed with sharks and dolphins and my dad volunteered with a firefighter team for the night.

my grandmother lived in a smaller house on a typical suburban curb and while there i liked being on the phone and eating sugary snacks.

s was involved somehow but i cant remember exactly how which seems good. lately they have been in my dreams and have caused me mild to long lasting depression.

in general my dream felt like me trying to help the good while also splurging and enjoying some treasures of life and feeling special with the people i was surrounded by. with friends i like to make jokes and pretend and this seems to culminate in treasured moments.

it’s been 3 days of wim hof breathing and two days of running break (8-9 miles).

march 25 night dreams.

[nine-wren-blog]

hi.

march 25 1148 pm i am visualizing finding myself someone who is caring toward me.

i am making friends with people who have kindness and understanding and do have growth gaps between me and them.

taking care of those around me who will truly recognize my effort and love.

a song coming from the moon.

[nine-wren-blog]

hi.

i watched ‘when marnie was there’ and just got into bed 152 am march 17. tomorrow, monday, is my sister’s 23rd birthday. we all have family.

marnie was the grandmother of anna, but it was beautiful to have portrayed them as almost in love. i cried when it showed how marnie had once read to anna before she had been sent to the orphanage. priscilla ahn’s music makes me cry.

when i stay up late studying for exams i listen to her ost and think about only You.

it’s terrible how i tear myself up. i even dismiss other open hearts for me like Jesse and Chelsea. i’m hoping to be happy alone soon and maybe construct some clothing.

i’m shy. i would like good grades and the job. but i miss You the most. wish that some night you might come through my garage, i gave you the code.

would you like me to go to You? i am afraid that would make You upset.

i want You to be happy, liz and the bluebird.

i want You to be happy, love is liberating.

i miss You, endlessly.

[nine-wren-blog]

hello.

i never want anyone to hurt my heart again, especially by someone who i care about as much as you.

now i will eat another bowl of steamed zucchini and carrots.

[nine-wren-blog]

hi.

it’s been a minit. march 6 2019 1:12 pm a month before im 25 y.o and im feeling less than proud. today i eat a potato. get a good job on my exam. 100 absolutely. going to study more for one tomorrow, let’s good luck.

today i realized sarah responded on icebrr the other day at 5ishpm, a funny thing about richardson tx she posted at 406 am meaning weird fb ventures. lol. listened to a nina simone verse which reminded me, it was. ‘ive loved you better than your own kin did, from the very start. i dont blame you much for wanting

to

be

free.

i just wanted you to know.’ seems ultra refreshing to feel the arrangement of those emotions seem clear to me. here, drinking topo. needing to study antimicrobials and drug resistance. genetics and deconstruction. spinning illangelo, janet jackson, and rebecca sugar. wish you were here to share how garnet/estelle has good music. happy celebrations.

consideration of words. what might it be to consider what is being said? focusing on every moment and weighing the effect of thoughts being expressed. decisions and choices are the currency from novelty to cumulation. the summation of all experience and we are both standing in the dry cold air miles away but i can’t help but hear you.

know what i may do when i make a mistake, it’s what i know.

[nine-wren-blog]

hi.

murder me playing ryuichi sakamoto’s ‘energy flow’ and i cant die until the song’s over we both. have to listen to the entire piece.

[nine-wren-blog]

hello.

we are strong forces and ‘they’ are trying to quiet us.

although, it seems real and honest, most communication isn’t. a masterful production of art includes context layers wherein multiple stories are told and often the most direct reception is the least meaningful. digging up and down to uncover background, an audience discovers subtextual information. these reveal and supplement the viewer’s personal life where an unreachable question may be reached.

[nine-wren-blog]

hi.

i guess i am mostly drunk and want to be up front and open with myself about my unhealthy obsession with sarah. it’s waning, and i have good self control, but spiritually i am weak. i guess this is like some ‘heavy love’ but it invades me like a mother with neurosis ready to drive around all night looking....searching....

my heart is like a traumatized fish gasping for air at times despite swimming in water. i can’t stop thinking about what she is doing, what she is thinking, whether i should be weak and message her every night, whether i could be petty and write out a message on lovenikki.

this entire year has been a noxious gas of a nightmare. i am giving myself up to my own curse.

curse: the trump era separated sarah and i and has ruined us each with curses which have been spelled out clearly by haruki murakami novels and supplemental philosophy and song lyrics.

diagnosis: psychosis, probably.

but take for instance, when it happened i felt the disturbance. when i review political events, i sense it too. at my most sober, i realize coincidences not related to me. the 2001 winter snow storm months after 9/11 and these last two years had weather bad enough that i had older generation people solemnly confess to the uncanny quality of strange weather.

my heart won’t give up. ‘heart is valuable’.

green star. april six. hearts that were tied.

i was so immature, i was trying to give edah a mercy kill at times with my terrible actions.

i have been in front of her and wished for a permanent separation between us.

what was wrong with me.

every night and day i miss her. when the sandy dust settles after having been suspended in the disturbed pondwater of my heart. my mind returns to her.

every image.

every word, memory, sound.

i love sarah so much i am.........crazy........!

healing on my part has to begin.

it has to.