ninjajlin - Tumblr blog

[ninjajlin]

now THIS is a good reddit post

[ninjajlin]

life goes something like this: you meet the best and the worst of yourself in other people. you come to terms that you are the universe experiencing itself. you get overwhelmed at 3 am being so close to seeing through the veil. you get what you give. and then, the next morning, you do it all over again, all over again, all over again.

[ninjajlin]

I was always rejected for wanting some things, but now I'm afraid to ask for them. So now I just shut myself down before I even ask.

[ninjajlin]

“Stop ignoring actions and trusting words. Stop giving your all to a person who gives you nothing. Stop hanging on to someone who has let go of you. Stop expecting change from a person who doesn’t want to be changed. Stop letting the fear of loneliness cause you to settle for less than what you deserve. Stop letting the wrong reasons keep you in a relationship that isn’t right for you. Stop breaking your own heart.”

— Trent Shelton

[ninjajlin]

“You’ll likely end up disappointed if you think people will care for you the way you care for them. Not everyone has your heart.”

— Unknown

[ninjajlin]

[ninjajlin]

What it feels like to fall out of love with someone

I have seen so many posts about relationships ending, but none of them are ever from the point of view of the people who do the ending. So many posts about not being loved anymore, but I’ve never seen one about what it’s like to fall out of love with someone.

It’s when you see them and you don’t feel that same rush you once did. It’s not caring whether you can call them or not. It’s everything about them that annoys you, things you previously ignored, starting to slip in.

It’s denial. It’s horror at your own thoughts, because what are you even thinking? You love this person. You want to be with them, always. It’s telling yourself, ‘Of course I want to be with them, why wouldn’t I?’

And it’s pushing every single thought away, refusing to acknowledge it, until it eventually gets too much and you have to ask yourself, is this really what I want?

And it goes from not being happier when you see them, to not wanting to see them at all, and finding excuses, because you can’t look them in the eye, this person who loves you and who cares for you, a person who thinks you feel the same, but it’s fading and you’re doing all you can to hold on, but you just can’t.

It’s feeling sick as they tell you they love you because you know you have to say it back, because of course you love them, you have to, but as the words leave your mouth, you can taste bile at the lie.

It’s hating yourself, because this person, who cares about you, who wants to be with you, who is willing to put up with whatever you can throw at them, and you can’t do the same.

It’s the chemistry and the intimacy fading because you’re trying to force yourself because you’re still in denial, and it just makes you miserable.

It’s the eventual realisation that despite your best efforts, it just isn’t there for you. It’s telling your friends, breaking down and asking what the hell do I do, because if they can’t help you, no one can. It’s months and months all building up, and it’s more denial, more hating yourself, because this person, this person who loves you and cares for you, and you’re about to throw it back in their face.

It’s saying it to yourself at two in the morning, not being able to sleep because it’s all you can think about, and for one pure instant, all you feel is relief at finally having admitted it after lying to yourself for so long.

It’s the realisation that you have to tell them, because while you don’t love them, you care about them and the last thing you want to do is hurt them. It’s realising their parents will hate you for something you can’t properly explain, something their friends will never forgive you for, the feeling of letting down all those people.

It’s that awful, awful conversation, and while their world is shattering, all you can feel is relief. It’s more self hatred after, because you have completely and utterly destroyed someone, and you’re relieved about it.

It’s seeing them around a few months later, and they still look like they’re not completely okay, and it’s a sick feeling in your stomach when you make eye contact, and they walk away as quickly as possible.

It is the worst thing you can do to someone, but you just feel relieved you don’t have to lie to them anymore, lie to their parents, their friends.

It’s hating yourself for months, and doubting yourself and everything you do. It screws with your head, and it is one of the worst feelings imaginable.

[ninjajlin]

I wish I knew if every day I wait is a step closer to you or a step away from you

-23.26pm

[ninjajlin]

This is how I’d fallen out of love of him: I didn’t. It just that one day I woke up, and I just.. I just didn’t feel anything for him. Not love, not like, not hate, nor anger, not even sadness or disappointment, just.. nothing. Like my heart entered a sudden oblivion, and it just forgot. It forgot to remember to care for him or to think of him, and in a blink of an eye, everything about him, every feelings I associated with him is erased, and he didn’t matter anymore. Like he never really mattered at all. And I’m okay with it. I mean, it’s a lot like looking at a blank grey canvas, what do you suppose to feel about it? Nothing, right? Nothing and just okay.

cynthia go // This is how I’d fallen out of love with him // excerpt from a book i’ll never write #33 (via cynthiatingo)

[ninjajlin]

I hope one day you love someone to the bones. To the point where you only want the best for them even if that doesn’t imply you being around. I hope one day you love someone so much it hurts to breath. And maybe perhaps that day you will finally understand how much I loved you.

D. M. (via theterribleartistsblog)

[ninjajlin]

Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. Independence Day (1996) | dir. Roland Emmerich

[ninjajlin]

https://iglovequotes.net/

[ninjajlin]

Matt Haig, How to Stop Time

[ninjajlin]

And all I loved, I loved alone.

Edgar Allan Poe (via quotemadness)

[ninjajlin]

I can relate to this

[ninjajlin]

Clear your mind here

[ninjajlin]

<3 

If you genuinely enjoy being alone, do you ever wonder if it is an inherent part of your character or if it stems from feeling inescapably lonely in the first place until you taught yourself to enjoy the peace and happiness one can find in solitude? what if the reason you now prefer & choose solitude at every turn is because you were a very lonely child, or teenager, not by your own choice, and that’s how you learnt to thrive and grow, so you no longer know if you can do that around people? There might also be an element of personal pride, an unconscious “you can’t fire me I quit” point when your brain decided to switch your feelings about solitude from distress to relief. I often find myself defending my love of being alone, to people who worry that I can’t possibly be happy to live in an isolated house in the woods; I insist that I do! I really do specifically enjoy the isolated factor and chose to live here because of it, but then I wonder how to differentiate an ingrained love of solitude from an acquired ability to thrive off unchosen loneliness, to learn from it and be nourished by it; to what extent it might be a form of contentment built on a bedrock of resignation.