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[nl2537p]

Dear Love,

Thank you for being kind for days that you should’ve been mean.

[nl2537p]

230509

The shift between fun, enjoyment, and relaxation to facing what I had left here in manila was huge. I can barely measure its impact.

It was crazy.

I was there sitting inside the bus, looking at the high buildings of the provinces “Manila”, having mini panic attacks.

I don’t know maybe it was really me.

Maybe I am just tired from a 10 hour long ride.

Maybe I am just that easy to be affected.

Maybe it was trauma? I don’t know.

What I know is that I hate how misread the message. Shaking just on the mere thought of the suggestion my mind had mis-visioned.

At home, All I know is, I was dead tired, I do not want to moved. I just want to lie there in my bed and pretend that I didn’t exist at all. I want to do that again, a lot.

But then my door was open as if waiting for the war to enter freely.

And it did.

I mumbled composedly, I had no choice, there is no other choice but me.

The next day, i was crumbled

[nl2537p]

221217

These days i realized that the person i am now is the person I didn’t imagine to be.

I realized that there are more than in this world than peace. This world is chaos but it was just fine. Maybe peace was really not what I imagined it to be.

There are a lot of plans that will brought me good but I didn’t pushed thru and it turns out that the coice I made will be the best. Not all things will be in your way but it was fine

The view that I had before was different from my point of view now.

Sometimes i think that what I’m choosing was wrong and if I’m the person i am before then It will even be not an option. But im not the person i am before and i hope, i myself can respect that.

I no longer want to be chained! By everybody’s expectations, by ny own expectation.

Even breathing every time i wake up is just a funny feeling, it was so hard to get by. And the only thing i want is to be my own person.

The same dream O want before to be a normal person.

But the thing is we defined the normal person differently because no natter how abstract i defined it before.

I will never spend money to some idols

[nl2537p]

I still remember the dials of your favorite go-to karaoke songs.

Perhaps somewhere part of me has engraved its melody,

like how I remember the notes you hit and miss every time you sing it out loud.

Proudly, your head’s high singing your songs in front of everyone, proudly.

I still have your cassette tape in my drawers, along with the albums I own and love.

In this digital streaming era, I still choose to hear your music in a rasp, hissy, and fuzzy way.

I keep your song to myself as it reminds me of your voice, and your love.

I hold to it to my arms dearly, as if my life depends on it.

Praying that these songs are what you really meant to say to me. Loudly. I want to hear it badly—screech—

Maybe, maybe if only you hadn’t been out of lyrics,

But the sound you had improvised shrieks that still sounds new.

And at times, with a grasping voice, and airy breathes, its sounds will stay an old song on a broken radio.

It made us out of sync.

I had stopped singing songs with you, as we both made our new song covers.

And it didn’t sound the same. It will never sound the same.

But I will still play your music whenever my heart desires,

I will listen on your worn notes on the tape,

In a quiet night,

with our unsung duet,

in my new verses

and solo refrain.

[nl2537p]

I hipe i’ll be able to choose

The job that i will get excited every monday to attend to.

Something i look forward to do

Something i love doing to

Not what i thought i loved

[nl2537p]

221203

As usual, I ask for heavens to give me signs.

I never intended to go, but every night I think about it a lot.

I told myself that if the fanmeet ticket wasn’t sold out, I’ll buy one.

Little miss ☀️’s stipend came the news was out that the selling will be available online.

Little miss ☀️’s take her chance.

I use the make-up well, it became a love language i gave to myself.

DDay,

It was the very first time i meet my seven.

The show has started but i found myself on the corner of the araneta’s comfort room. In a meeting call, for a feasibility consultation.

I am barely outside away from home. I found it funny that every time I planned to go out, that’s when my professors attends class.

I’m supposed to be running away from everything today, but I feel like every time I want to do so, i feel like being haunted. Maybe it was fine because “I’ll meet enhypen today”- a mantra for that day.

I am

There is nothing i hate more than being out there and still doing acads. B

[nl2537p]

Nasabi ko rin

There are a lot of words I can’t say.

I think those thoughts was absurd,

I think those thoughts doesn’t fit me as a whole.

Like I was hurt badly, that i don’t want to live anymore.

Like I cursed every melody, because

[nl2537p]

240429

There is this one time,

Chen told me that I only eat because I need to, not because I want to.

I only sleep because my body needs to, not because I want to.

It was a huge slap in a face that I had been living like that for years—I refuse to count.

Had i been living day by day, for a mere survival?

It was as if I was in a game in my survival mode was on.

Last week, I met Sam, my friend. I was finally able to admit,

Every time we watched the movie, she always envisioned me as that one girl whol lives at the end of the movie because of being quick knotted and well thought plan.

[nl2537p]

Because the world didn’t end at 14.

One day i with all of the knives in my hands, i told to myself that there will be no tomorrow, but i was afraid to break a solemn promise, so afraid that i had courage enveloped from my cowardness:

Courage to take that nakakakabang train ride, who knows where we will be going? No one knows.

We can end up between the tallest of buildings, and you will be reminded of how small your world was;

On desolated highways where people rarely come and go, and you were in the corner of that unknown street waiting for a car to pass by so you can go home:

On a stage where thousands of dreams had officially been announced; it signifies an ending and, a new beginning.

Or In that serene place where many tourists went to breathe—a long hour bus ride alone at midnight. But when you open your eyes, you will be at your destination, cold, but you find your warmth inside.

On the front seat of a concert or a fan meet that was not your initial seat, but stars aligned, and suddenly this world was dancing just for you, singing how you deserve all of the melodies it offers in your hands, overflowing.

On a city that you had cursed for a long time, you know why until you forget how—As you walk on that same pathway, your feet remembers which way to take but your heart and mind can’t. Why does this hate me and why do I hate it? I will never know now, but it's fine; the cold breeze from the sea was still angry, the perfect coned mountain was still hiding, but I'll walk on your pathways like I have always been here, because I had been here. Suddenly it felt like the fragment of the broken glass they left to you before was now thin and weary. It's fine to walk on it now.

On a province where your roots find its own ache, this is the place where they had been made. The place that feeds them and makes them, and you finally understand where they came from. You finally understand what’s behind of all of this, some might not be valid, but it caress a soft warmth of reason and peace.

On room you had tried to end yourself but today you had your wise eyes, you hug the ground as if you are one of it, you are safe here, you’re always are.

[nl2537p]

The sunset was beautiful isn’t it?

It was just another day— another night. If it was day or night, I can barely remember. All I know was I am awake for more than 24 hours ago.

I want to take a rest but the sun will rise in 2 hours, and my class will start in 4 hours.

Maybe I was in a wrong time zone, wrong place at today’s time. I couldn’t care less.

[nl2537p]

I always thought i was a kind person

You always hd thought i was a kind person. It ain’t funny to realize that there is one thing that I can do for you. I am not too kind enough to forgive you, Too angry to forget about all of the pain you had cause. We thought i was good enough to let it go. I wasn’t goof enough to let your guilt take off.

[nl2537p]

240502

Soft hours. Super thankful ako na nandito ako ngayon, promise. After talking with Sam, I realize a lot of things. How hard it was. How dark it was. How cold it feels. How I strive so hard. How painful it was to take each step. How painful it was to not take a single step.

I am wasting my days today? Of course lagi ko namang tanong yan, and it will still be a “no”. Will It still be a “no” someday. I hope so, but we’ll never know.

Had I ever been living for years, just to strive? Just for a mere survival? Yes. And I don’t plan to live that way ulit.

These days I was able to remember things. Fuck, i was able to remember! Finally, that sense of moment that I exist in that memory. That I did live.

Yan bare minimum, pero kasi ang hirap magpaka normal na tao.

Just a little, “Are u over it, being a papa’s girl?”

And a little, “You can call it depressed.” Ni sam iiyak aq like oo nga pala si Sam to

Not comparing myself with chen, pero kasi it was so hard to be raised with so much fucking reservation para sa future na hindi na kinonsoder that it was “now” that I live. But I’m happy for chen though. I saw her grow, and all of these things that I’d established for me will be all use by her.

[nl2537p]

240503

God thank you for everything,

Thank you for giving me time, it was the kindest and purest thing that i got from you.

Thank you for allowing myself to heal, to grow everyday.

I love myself, because you love it. There was no better reason that.

I am thankful to everything that you have done to me.

To all of the opportunities that you had laid on the road of my adventure.

To all of the start aligning just for me.

To all of the love that I have.

To all of things I own and I don’t.

To all of the achievements that I received and my friends received.

Thank you for bringing me my favorite persons in this world the same time I was in it.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

My Next adventure will always be with you too! There are no reasons for me to become afraid.

I like myself when I’m with you.

The love that everyone speaks of for their love, you let me experience and have it to u. But not like any other, it too was genuine and true.

Thank you for letting me live and experience all of those joyous things.

I was treasured and cared by you, and there is no greater love and guidance than that.

Thank you, thank you, thank you very much for hearing these prayers.

I hope to see more of these world soon, guide me as I unravel each of them.

Thank you for being here with me.

If there were a next life

I hope to be your God’s favored child, still. I know that in every life that I will or had. All I need will be you.

Please help me to become passionate.

[nl2537p]

240507

Am I selfish?

One of the reasons why I don’t want to start working immediately after graduating is because I know that the people around me will start depending on me.

Was it wrong to live for myself?

Then why did in all of my memories, i feel like everyone taught me only to rely to myself. Be independent. A simple “I’ll take care of you” always turns as “Tin can take care of herself.” Do you want to have something? To “Tin try to earn, and buy them yourself.” “Can I go and join a school activity outside.” “You can, if you have your own money to pay.”

It was actually fine for me being raised this way but sometimes I can’t stop wondering how does these little things that I need was only offered to my kuya and Chen.

Am I irresponsible?

But you know, growing up I never wanted to be held accountable of circumstances that i didn’t take. I don’t want responsibilities that I personally didn’t choose. If all of my life, what I had been thought is to be responsible to myself then why do i need to be responsible for everyone too?

I would never understand why they are always open for choices if it was me. If it was for hassle I will be the first choice.

I find it funny every time they ask for more. Why? Why me?

[nl2537p]

240510

To my Last Hope Tin era,

Parang kailan lang no? Nasa harapan ka ni Rory kumakanta ng Last Hope. You didn’t know what you want. You didn’t even know what to hope. Everything was overwhelming but at the same time you don’t know how to feel and what to feel.

Thank you for letting everything happen. Today, I don’t feel the same feelings that you had.

All the Bridge—And the salt in my wounds isn’t burning any more than it used to—ulit but in different language than we used to speak and hear.

Thank you for being patient.

[nl2537p]

240518

Dear God,

I am writing this letter to you, to let you know.

That I am thank full for every second and every breath extension that you had given me.

Thank you for letting me able to watch Haikyuu tomorrow.

Thank you for saving me in different things that you can offer.

Father, i am satisfied with my civil service exam grade. Thank you so much for letting me take the exam. For guiding me every transportation that i rode to get to my testing area.

Thank you for guiding each and every day.

Thank you because you are here with me all the time. I need you, father.

I’m really really thankful for everything that you’ve done to me.

I trust you father to all of my adventures, to all of my decisions. Please be the one who guides to each of my step. I trust your plans for me.

I know i am still afraid father, to uncertainties, to my anxieties, of taking the next step. But i know it will be better in your right time.

I love you father

Thank you for all of my love ones too, guide them father.

You are the power of all power, king of all kings.

Thank you for lending me your strength wisdom, knowledge, and courage to reach my goals!

Looking forward for tomorrow

Love,

Christine

[nl2537p]

Haikyuu

There is no such thing as a shortcut.

The lovely thing about Hinata is how passionate he was: always thirsty for play, thirsty to grow, thirsty for speed, thirsty for more… The boy literally attended a volleyball camp to which he wasn’t even invited. But I saw you, Hinata. I saw your desires, I saw your hard work, and today I saw the fruit of your love. I saw how willing you are to stay in the court longer.

So, when you finally entered the court, readily—receiving, the four toss, the king finally turns into a real king, a group of six whomst all are strong—and suddenly you fell to your knees, the doors closing behind you, was it still cold?

The thing I like the most about Haikyuu is its ending. I don’t regard anything in the manga as its ending after the Dumpster Battle—

I refuse to believe that Kamomedai happened, that the timeskip happens. Haikyuu ended with the Battle of the Trash; no one can change my mind. And it ended with “Ayon na yon?” “Tapos na yon.”It was so much fun that it ended so abruptly. It shouldn’t have ended like this, but it did, and I can’t find myself of a better ending for it.

It was a game promised from generations. It was Hinata promised that I’ll make you say it was fun. It was the King’s four set— commanding and freeing. It was Kuro’s— is volleyball fun tsukki. It was Tsukki’s— I can’t defeat u, but he and I, we, can. It was Kenma’s and Kuro’s backstory— the pipe, and I’ll bring him if he was a little bit interested, because I know him.

I know it was written with Furudate’s love! AND YES IM SAD. There were lots of panels about their dev’t that wasn’t animated. Things I do to live for this. And yes, that was fun!