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[no-ctrl]

You’re embarrassingly terrible. You’re so okay with disappointing me. It’s like there is no empathy reserved for me. Sometimes I question myself bc maybe I did something to earn this mistreatment. In reality this treatment is a direct result of me not loving myself. Youre so shitty that it’s embarrassing TO ME that i stay and take it. This is an addiction and it sucks bc it feels so isolating and lonely. How do I feel lonely when I have a partner? How do i stay knowing it’s horrible? I hate myself and being with you shows how much i hate myself. This is self harm. Im ashamed of myself. I’m ashamed that my partner is okay with embarrassing me, not being of their word, you’re okay with disappointing me, you re fine with using my body, you aren’t there for me when things are good or bad, you’re just here when it convenience you.

[no-ctrl]

I’m disappointed to say the least. I’m not surprised but it doesn’t make the hurt I feel any less. I feel very secondary to practically everyone in my life besides my sister. I can’t help but blame myself for allowing myself in spaces that make me feel so small and insecure. That’s my way of coping with the pain, blaming myself for what others do to me. It’s not my fault there something “better” than me. If a trip is better than getting a meal with me okay. If being in complete solitude is better than being with me then okay. I can’t do much from there and I no longer have the capacity to convince people to love or care for me. I am enough as I am. I am enough but nonetheless I’m still hurt tht people who mean so much to me see me disposable. I am a person who has feelings. My time is just as valuable as the next person yet I’m also the 1at person on the chopping block when there’s a decision to be made: me or something else. Yet somehow the something else always wins. At times I can’t help but attach my worth to how easy to leave I am. I know it’s not true but when continuous patterns persist I can’t help but feel like I’m the problem. Am I not lovable? Am I too much? Am I not enough? Am I too particular? Am I not funny? Am I ugly? Am I too fat? I’m in a constant state of feeling like I’m not enough. I hate this feeling. I want to disappear just to rid myself of this feeling. I feel so small. I just want to be important. Why can’t I be important to myself? If I was fulfilled in myself I wouldn’t seek external validation from people who clearly will never fulfill my needs. I know I’m not asking for too much but I just need to love myself more.

[no-ctrl]

I am so close to just ending it all. I felt a pipe like thing in Israel’s pocket today. Not entirely sure if he relapsed but from the looks of it seems like closer to a yes. I just can’t stand living so unhappy. I really do want to die. I can’t continue living with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I feel like literally all aspects of my life are collapsing. I worked so hard just to ruin my own life. I hate this. Going thru all these hardships just to still have a terrible life. What is this all worth? I can’t take it. I feel so unheard and unseen. I’m literally falling apart. Idk who or where to ask for help. I can’t take this. I can’t continue living this way. I’m living in my personal hell. I would rather be dead. I want to be dead so bad I’m just too much of a coward to not put action behind my thoughts. I just want to mean something to anyone at this point. I hate how little self love, little self discipline and little dignity I have. I am the the epitome of a loser. I contribute nothing to this world. I don’t matter idk why im still here.

[no-ctrl]

I am a loser. The world of course would continue spinning if I vanished of course it would. The world does stop for anyone. Yet why does my world collapse within itself every time I realize I actually mean nothing to many people around me. I am literally rotting from the inside out with all these ugly feelings like hatred, envy, resentment and anger. It weighs me down yet my life is consumed by these feelings. I feel like everything I’ve done for myself has been done in vain. I feel like nada vale la pena. I feel like a failure. I feel hopeless. I feel inadequate and little. I hate that I feel this way then am reminded how little I matter to those who mean the most to me. Some times I wish it would all just stop. I think of suicide every day when I wake up bc I hate the life I live. I hate myself. I hate my home. I hate the hardships I have to carry. I hate my current circumstances. I’m tired of living a hard life. I’m tired of struggling and fighting so hard to get ahead in life just to be put in so many difficult situations. I want to be considered, I want to be loved, I want empathy, I want to be seen and heard. I just want to be enough. Everywhere I go I am not enough. I feel like my destiny is to fail bc I always get so close to my goals just to crash and burn. I want to be a winner. I want to be happy. I want my work to be worth something. I’m tired of being speculated on just for me to fail. I hate it. I hate myself

[no-ctrl]

Here are a few updates:

Israel asked me out on July 13th and we made it official.

I visit UCI and fell in love with the campus.

I started my UC applications

Israel hasn’t talked to me in 2 days. I feel so embarrassed. I feel as though it plagues my mind but I don’t feel insane. This feeling is familiar. This has happened before in the past. This is not new. I do feel sad but I don’t feel the need to address it. I love him but I know he does not love me the same. I feel like there’s some resentment but ultimately I wouldn’t know because he doesn’t tell me. Maybe it’s a figment of my imagination and I’m creating something that isn’t true. Regardless I do feel a bit embarrassed that I’m feeling this way again bc I am allowing it. When will I learn? When will I get tired of this feeling?

I noticed Israel and I usually get into a weird rut whenever I have work (like Thurs-sat) and I came to the conclusion maybe my job is a representation of my new life and Israel is a representation of my past. There is no bridge between that new life and past. Idk maybe I just overthink.

Overall it’s not a great feeling. I tried my best and i literally cannot do anything beyond that. I do feel ashamed. I allowed this. All in the name of being with him. This is not Israel’s fault, I allowed this. I reached out. If I hadn’t done that i wouldn’t be in this predicament. I know I am worthy of the love I need but I need to accept the fact Israel cannot fulfill those needs simply bc there is and always will be something greater than me in his life. It’s harsh but genuinely somehow that’s always the case. I wish I could tell him these things now but in reality I have said these things before in the past. There nothing left for me to say. I’ve explicitly expressed how his silence feels like a punishment and somehow he rewards me with that silence knowing I feel that way. It’s unfair, but is it really? Is it unfair when someone’s actions reflect the opposite of what I need? No it’s not unfair. It’s my fault. I choose this. I choose to not be chosen.

This is embarrassing. I’ll get over it one day but I never thought I’d be here again.

[no-ctrl]

All I want from you was to fight for me. All I wanted was for you to want me. Embarrassingly enough that is too much to ask of you. It’s okay. It’s just not meant to be. This past weekend really broken my heart. It was the proof I didn’t want. Deep down I have known I am not a priority to you but for you cancel on me (you didn’t even do it outwardly I had to assume our plans just fell through) and then ignored me. It’s hard to accept my reality. It’s hard to understand that I’m just not the person for you. You don’t chase me. You don’t pursue me. I’m just not it for you. I know this to be true because when I was the person for you there was NOTHING in the world you wouldn’t do for me and now being taken on a proper date or receiving flowers is unheard of. I don’t feel loved or taken care of. Even now the radio silence is killing me but I’ve gone through this before so it’s possible to get thru it again. It just sucks that I want this to work so bad but if things go south if I don’t cry/fight for you then it’s done. It’s done. I feel so small and insignificant. It’s insane how I’ve allowed you to have this power over me. This is my own fault. I will always be second to everything else in your life. I’ll be second to your family, your mom. I’ll be second to you and your work outs. I’m second to sleep. I’m second to your desire to not use your phone. It’s okay I accept it. I accept I’m never going to be a priority. I will never get married to you or have kids with you or have a future overall. It doesn’t take away from the pain I feel knowing this truth. I feel so small and inadequate. This is all my fault. I reached out to you. You were doing just fine without me. I wish I could understand how that feels like bc while we were apart I felt like a piece of my heart was taken from me. I felt like nothing in the world could make me feel better unless it was you. You were so okay without me and of course I’m happy for you but I wish I could relate. I don’t want to live a life without you but if I want to truly be happy it’s clearly going to have to be without you. You make me unnecessarily suffer bc you don’t consider me. I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt but you made me look stupid on multiple occasions which makes me feel so embarrassed and ashamed of myself for allowing this treatment. I wish I didn’t feel this way. I have outdone my role and there is not much more I can do. I’ve communicated, I’ve tried being understanding and flexible, I’ve tried being empathetic. I put my best foot forward and I cannot do anything more than that at this point. I wish I could make you care but I can’t. I hate this.

[no-ctrl]

I understand you don’t use your phone often. I understand you have a different lifestyle than me. I try to understand our differences. We are different people. But I also tried to help you understand me and I didn’t really seem to do anything. That’s okay. It’s your choice to choose to understand me. But I am slowly detaching myself from this situation because I know this is not what I want. I want someone obsessed with me. I want someone who can’t stand to live without me and showers me with love. It’s not a monetary thing but I feel so misunderstood. I just really wish I could settle for this but I can’t. I’m in a constant state of internal distress. I feel so insignificant in your life. Like there is a list of all the important parts then me. That’s okay but how you think it feels to be the last person considered? It doesn’t feel great and it is partly my fault for sticking around. I feel like an afterthought and it doesn’t feel great. It feel debilitating. Instead of doing homework or anything else in the world I get paralyzed using my phone in hopes of a message from you. Yes that may be my doings but how can you live without me? Literally I feel so shitty about myself. I’m hurting and to you everything is okay. It’s embarrassing

[no-ctrl]

“what’s yours will be yours. No need to rush. No need to feel anxious. All good things take time. And when it does come, your heart will be so grateful. Give it time. Rest your mind. And enjoy the present moments..”

[no-ctrl]

I feel terrible that I only hear from you is through me reaching out. You don’t care to know about me. You don’t care if I’m dead or alive. You may say you’d do anything to see me happy but here I am unhappy bc I feel like the last person you’d consider on Earth. I spend my time at Catalina wishing I could enjoy it with you. Isn’t that funny, yet you spent you whole day going thru the day THEN remembering me when everything is said and done. I am not an active thought or priority. I will I loved myself more. This is truly an embarrassment. I am an embarrassment. I don’t belong anywhere. Not only do I not belong anywhere but I don’t even love myself enough to understand it’s not my fault. I know it’s not my fault but I never learn the lesson. I’m too grown for this but I just want to be loved. I feel terrible and I don’t think I’ll ever understand how you can live without me. How is everyone okay with me not being apart of their life? How is it so easy to move on? I feel forgotten and unloved.

[no-ctrl]

After breaking no contact the thought of Israel have no been persistent as they previously were. I wish he didn’t have to ruin us. Maybe I played a part in it too. Overall I feel much more at peace. Unfortunately there is small tiny space buried deep inside me hoping he would come back and we end up happy together. It’s strange but breaking the no contact was esencial

[no-ctrl]

I am trying my best to not take your lack of response personally but why am I shocked? You have shown me in the past by continually presenting yourself to not respect me or my time. I don’t need your validation but somehow it still hurts. Every time I’m in this situation with you I feel like a little girl begging to be loved. The little girl who once was abandoned by her father is now being abandoned by her ex boyfriend. It’s sad. I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I’m upset that I swallowed my pride and put my heart on the line just for you to rip it up again with no regard or consideration put towards me. I try not to take your lack of communication personally but I am human and my feelings are hurt. Why did you open this can of worms by saying you missed me but the moment I opened up you ran away again. While I know it’s not my fault, something deep inside feels like I’m defected and there HAS to be something wrong with me to cause this. I know it’s not true but it does not stop me from feeling that way. I feel tortured by these feelings. I don’t understand, why am I being punished for loving you? Why is my love not enough? I want to complain and cry and shout at you for putting me through this, but can I blame you? I am the one who broke no contact. Even if I screamed, and cried to you, you would just walk away bc it’s too much. Somehow I’m always too much. Somehow I always make it about myself when you may potentially be going thru things but your lack of communication causes these conspiracies in my brain. I hate you for how you make me feel. I wish you had respect for me. Genuinely I feel so disrespected by not only you but by myself. I am crying right now bc I reached out to you. You didn’t even bother I messaged you. I messaged you so why am I crying for you being yourself? You didn’t do anything different so why am I surprised that you’re not communicating, why am I surprised that you don’t respect my time, why am I surprised that you’re selfish? Why do I still love you despite it all? I don’t understand and I feel shackled to these emotions. I feel imprisoned by these feelings bc you can toss me aside like a piece of trash yet my lack of self love causes me to look past your disrespect. Thts disgusting. I’m disappointed with myself. I think back how difficult it was to not talk to you for that time just for me to ruin it. I broke no contact and literally sabotaged myself bc you clearly still don’t love me. I understand you work. I understand you may get tired. I understand you have your family to tend to. How could you tell me you miss me and then neglect me again? You can’t tell me this isn’t intentional. I feel overwhelmed with emotions bc why do you not want me? What did I do wrong? I tried to withhold my feelings to not scare you off. I tried to play it nice. I tried to not bother you too much. You don’t love me so why did you say it? I’m a person who has feelings and problems in life, I’m not asking you to solve them but I just don’t understand how after everything you just stopped loving me. That year of no contact I literally felt like a piece of me was missing. How were you so okay without me? I don’t understand.

[no-ctrl]

I don’t know what I was expecting but talking to him made me feel so miserable about myself. Talking to him was just a reflection of how much I don’t love myself. This literally has taught me I should have not reached out. I had no right to disturb his peace. I’m clearly not ready and I feel so terrible. I hate myself so much.

[no-ctrl]

I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I broke no contact with Israel today. I feel so disappointed with myself. I feel terrible

[no-ctrl]

THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP

I feel lost and hopeless. I got laid off. My mom has cancer. I feel alone. I feel like I can’t talk to people. I feel like I have no place on this earth. I am so lonely I have been extremely close to breaking no contact with Israel. I’m so pathetic that I was so close to running back to my ex who literally dumped me like a piece of trash on the ground. I lack true human connection and intimacy. At times it’s not even the people in my life I can blame but myself. I struggle with vulnerability. I’m scared if I cry or complain or just simply am too negative I’ll be deemed as too much and everyone will run away. I don’t trust anyone. It’s quite depressing. I don’t trust anyone to feel safe to cry to or to tell what’s going on bc at the end of the day it doesn’t matter to them even if it means my world is collapsing on top of me. I feel so pathetic. I feel like a loser. I just want a shoulder to lean on but I’m scared of that person pulling away bc it’s happened to me in the past. I just want to be loved now. I want to be loved when I feel pathetic. I am tired. I don’t want to prove myself anymore. I’m so lonely. I’m at the point where I feel like I don’t belong on Eartg and nothing would change if I disappear. I want to disappear bc if I’m here or not doesn’t make a significant difference. I’m more of a convenance or inconvenience, I’m no longer a person. I want to feel heard, seen and loved. I feel like such a loser.

[no-ctrl]

I often wonder why you chose to end our story the way you did… since I was not told and just ghosted from one day to the next I can’t help but blame myself. Now it is much easier to cope with these feelings but a little over a year ago I was shattered by your actions, or lack there of. On nights like tonight I want that comfort of telling you everything. I miss the domesticity of our relationship. I miss having a person to tell the mundane details of my life. I miss when you would comfort me when I was on my period (currently on my period so I feel this extra hard these days). I miss having someone I can confidently say I love and they love me back. I miss feeling wanted and needed. While I don’t know your reason as to you leaving me, nights like this I want to blame myself but I know it’s my insecurity filling in the blanks. It’s quite frustrating bc my heart feels something while my brain says something else. I want to break no contact ALL the time but I wasn't the one to walk away. i want to share my wins with you along with the losses. i miss when you were a safe space for me. now you are a stranger and it actually kills me. i want to tell you how i started school again and have has straight As so far but i also want to share how i just got laid off. i want to hug you. i want to cuddle you. Unfortunately you’re not even the Israel I want anymore bc the Israel that I loved wouldn’t have intentionally hurt in the way you did when you walked away from me last year. the guy i miss respected me as a woman and as a person. im tired of suffering, i want to be liberated from these feelings. I am tired of missing you. I’m tired of feeling this pain. While pride can be negative, my pride has protected me from breaking no contact. Something that has broke me deeply is how even me labeling out separation as no contact is me trying to not completely let go of this situation while you probably don’t call it anything and it’s just us being done to you. I get FRUSTRATED. I just wanted you Israel. Days like today I wish the world would just open up and swallow me whole. I don’t want to be separated. I don’t want to be without you. I miss your silly boyish tendencies. I miss your sweet and tenderness that was reserved for me. I miss you loving me in the way you uniquely loved me. I feel defective. I don’t want to start over with someone else. I want Israel. I am frustrated bc I’m just so damaged. I have abandonment issues from both my father and ex-boyfriend. I have mommy and daddy issues. I can’t imagine anyone loving me. Not even Israel could love me as I am. He left me while I was at one of my lowest points and genuinely that has damaged me more. I feel so unlovable. Why do I have to be the person crying at 1 in the morning over a year old heartbreak? I just want to be enough. Why am I not even enough for myself? I just want to talk to him. I wish I could hear his side of the story but it doesn’t even matter what he says bc nothing he says will make me feel better or make the situation any better. I’m frustrated bc I’m in just a state of hurt. Not just Israel but everyone. I hate everything. I hate how I feel, I feel like a loser and I feel like I have no purpose. I have no connection. I feel so insignificant and I wish I could just disappear bc even if I did it would not make a difference in the world. I feel like there is no place in the world for Jaymee. I want to disappear. I just want to be loved. I want to be chosen. I want to be someone. I’m no one. I wish I could just disappear. I literally just lost 2 job within 4 months. I just feel like a loser in all aspects. I cannot continue living a life like this. I want to be free.

[no-ctrl]

My period is approaching and I’ve been in a funk of self sabotage. A few updates: today I had an exam for my accounting class and got a B, I may potentially get laid off, my finances are looking a bit better despite my pay cut (take u fafsa), and… I’ve been missing Israel. No we aren’t shocked. I’ll elaborate on why I think I may be getting laid off. My coworker got laid off last week and she has a higher risk job which led both her and I to believe I will be on the chopping block next. I’m not too sure if it’ll happen since I have a feeling my employer won’t want to pay the unemployment but I guess we will have to wait to see what comes next. Overall I’m upset because no one likes to get laid off but I am a bit excited since 1) I hate the job/environment, 2) I had the intention of leaving this job behind in 2024, 3) I have quite a few jobs I’m highly interested in applying for which provide benefits and other opportunities. I’ve been feeling lacking of motivation and discipline. Not sure what is going on, potentially it’s just me being burnt out but I hope I can snap out of it. I know I can do whatever I set my mind to but my lack in discipline is creating a great disservice to myself. I have no been content with myself, I’ve been feeling ugly, feeling like I have neglected myself. I need to work on balance because when I have an unbalance in my life that’s when there tends to be issues. Right now I want to start going back to the gym, pursuing hobbies, overall just be the best me possible. Lately I’ve just been into bed rotting and staying in which I’m trying to break out of.

As for missing Israel… I can’t tell is this just routine or a genuine longing for him. When I talk about it with friends and speak from the heart I find myself saying things like “I’m lonely but I don’t want just anyone, I want him.” Maybe it’s the comfort of my past with him. It’s tough to navigate these feelings. If I wasn’t so prideful I would have just reached out to him by now but that is not the case. I wish we could catch up. I would love to update him on my life and hear about his life. I tend to think about the possible scenarios between him and I when I do something out of my norm. Such as getting a new job at my school, returning back to school, going a day trip to Vegas with my friends. It’s experiences like these that I wish I could share with him. Whenever I am happy I wish I could be happy with him. I’m not going to put any words in his mouth but I can’t help but feel like he didn’t want that with me bc he made the decision to leave me. In moments like now when my self esteem is on the ground, I almost feel like I deserved getting walked out on. In midst of the self loathe I feel like I deserve the bad things he put me through. I can’t explain why it’s just a toxic spiral I fall into when I don’t feel too great about the person I am. It’s truly tough trying to move forward. There is a small deeply rooted belief/hope I have that he still loves me and will return one day but unfortunately that is not reality. It’s a tough pill to swallow and I just want security in a partner. I’m not boy obsessed but it’s actually about just wanting to build a community/family for myself where I can be myself without a facade. There was a point where Israel was that for me but that is the past not my present.

[no-ctrl]

Shey called my mom today. I don’t hate her but I don’t want anything to do with her. Obviously I will never dictate what my mom and sister do but knowing my mom she will choose Shey the moment she gives a sliver of space for them to be close again. Again that’s fine. But is it really? When that phone call happened I felt familiar and not in a pleasant way. The feel reminded me of how I felt when my mom chose literally ANYONE but me. This led me to think ‘the day I become rich I will just disappear and no longer associate with this family’ it’s sad but I do hope that’s my future. I don’t feel apart of my family. I am doing the work to be the highest version of myself and I’m not willing to sacrifice my peace to keep anyone around. I have given forgiveness with no signs of apology or empathy. That’s fine but respectfully I’m done. I’m tired of being in places I don’t belong. This feeling is killing me, today I went to a club booth day on campus and I hated it. It was not for me and that’s okay but I can’t help but ask where do I belong? Where are my people? How much long do I have to wait? While these questions seem negative, it’s not coming from a bad place, more so from a place of impatience. Today I saw a video of Charlotte York from SATC and it helped me realize my standards are not ‘too high’ or ‘too much’ I’m willing to wait and I will get the life I want, the community I want, the wealth I want, the freedom I want, the love I want. I’m going to get everything I want and more. I’m tired of being in places where people try to make me feel beneath them, try to convince me I’m asking for too much in life or question my capability. I don’t care to prove people right or wrong, I care to create a happy life for myself. I’ve lived so miserably and for other for too long to not honor myself now by being the best version of myself. I am showing up everyday to my best ability. Some days are harder than others but I’m doing it. No one is doing it for me and no one can take the credit for all my hard work. I’m so proud of myself. The pain I feel now will soon become an abundance of happiness. I will savor the fruits of my labor soon. This is not forever. While my mom may abandon me and chose everyone besides me, at least I choose myself. This is not forever Jaymee. Keep pushing and trust yourself, the universe and God and the rest will follow.