no-regrets-isnt-so-simple

[no-regrets-isnt-so-simple]

I don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t do it. I’ve lost hope. But I have to stay. I just wake up every day hoping something else will take me out so I don’t directly hurt them. I just can’t live like this anymore.

[no-regrets-isnt-so-simple]

I miss her.

Leading up to this birthday is always the hardest. 10..... I remember going through the courts and working out who would have her on that day.. how I'd spend it with you. What we would do, what type of girl you would be now you're hitting double digits.

And now I won't even know what you look like. I miss you. I'd like to say it's just the time of the year, but it feels deeper than that. Do I reach out?... I just don't know what's right anymore.

My life is healthier, not in all ways, but most. Will I ruin it by reaching out? Only if I get a reply. Am I strong enough? I really don't know.

I know that M will help me through anything I need and she will understand with the most love and support she could possible give me. And I couldn't be more greatful. I guess that's why I'm questioning it all. I don't and cannot ruin what I have here. But I don't want anyone to think I don't care anymore or have given up.

I'm just a little lost again with this... Maybe because I'm now in some contact with my babies, this becomes more raw.

[no-regrets-isnt-so-simple]

““It’s because of you when I’m in bed in the morning that I can wind my spring and tell myself I have to live another good day.” - Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood”

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[no-regrets-isnt-so-simple]

[no-regrets-isnt-so-simple]

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"I am here" are three words that are just as important as "I love you!"

— Unknown

[no-regrets-isnt-so-simple]

““My life is made up of ‘I’m sorry’. I feel like I have to apologize to people, to things, to life itself. It’s like, ‘I’m sorry to be here’. I don’t want to disturb anyone.” - Yohji Yamamoto”

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[no-regrets-isnt-so-simple]

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Everything I love I keep private now.

[no-regrets-isnt-so-simple]

““I’m the one that’s got to die when it’s time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to.” - Jimi Hendrix, Jimi Hendrix - Axis: Bold as Love”

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[no-regrets-isnt-so-simple]

I want to have the dirtiest most nasty sex every couple days, but I also want to have slow morning cuddly sex, where there's soft whines and grunts, panting right into each other's mouths, hands trailing down hips and thighs, with a butch that understands my needs just as much as I understand theirs. Someone who will take care of me by opening the doors as I pass by, and guiding me through the streets and stores. Someone I will hold to my chest, scratching their head and kissing their forehead while they sigh in contentment, hiding their face in my neck and falling quickly asleep, knowing they're safe and so so so loved. I want to explore every aspect of our sexualities together and learn all the best ways to please each other. I want to go on hikes and stargaze and have a pet or two. I want to make a comfortable space right next to the window so we can watch the rain fall, two cups of hot chocolate and the sounds of little feet and meows echoing in the background.

I want to spend winters with them, putting their jacket on so they don't catch a cold. I want to spend summers with them, not taking my hands off of them in only tank tops. I want to steal their hoodies and sweatpants and t-shirts so I can go to sleep with their smell surrounding me whenever they are not around. I want to be on their lap all the time.

Let me massage your shoulders and back after a long day at work. Let me wash you in the shower or make you a bubble bath. Let me welcome you home with kisses and your favorite snack every day. Let me listen to you, share your pain with me. Put me on my knees, tease me while you unbuckle your belt. Stroke my face and tell me you love me. Call me yours. Let me love you. You will be mine.

[no-regrets-isnt-so-simple]

Not realizing how touch starved you are until you're in her arms is a different kind of experience

[no-regrets-isnt-so-simple]

When you pause in kissing and feel them smile against your lips >>>>>

[no-regrets-isnt-so-simple]

Be gentle with her darling, she spooks easy. She's been scared for a while.

Be patient with her when she rambles on, she's been asked to shut up too often. Be kind when she's feeling sad, poor thing had to cry on more pillows than shoulders for a while now.

Be attentive when she plasters on a smile, she's turned ignoring her needs into an art form.

Be hers, darling, for she's been alone in a crowd for long enough now.

[no-regrets-isnt-so-simple]

22:44 Monday 22nd May….. I will look back on these amazing photos, amazing memories, priceless memories and when I do, I will remember how broken I was. How fragile and disconnect I was. How much I hated being in my own skin at times. How I was feeling so fucking different. And I hate that thought.