noah-andrews

[noah-andrews]

[PM] I mean I guess. But normal people don't go to places like that. I won't argue with you on that. Pain hasn't really ever taught me much other than how to avoid pain lol.

[PM] Not even a little. I really like it.

[PM] Noah, that’s… not normal. No one should be locked away in miserable conditions like that. You weren’t a slave; you were a teenager. And pain should never be a teaching tool.

[PM] Well, that’s a relief. I’m glad I’m not forcing you into something you hate!

[noah-andrews]

PM: Pffffftttttt.

PM: Yeah. Ominous mother fucker!! But fine, keep your secrets...... (deploys Uno reverse) .... for now

PM: I know you're not. I know you never would, but I blame myself. I'm already a broke bitch so I'm cool with it. I'll reach out to Archie and Danny.

PM: Dooork.

PM: For now. So ominous.

PM: I guess. Yeah. Nobody's assigning blame to shit, Noah. We're all adults, if we want a better relationship with each other its on all of us to make it happen. I mean, I'm cool with that if you're all cool being poor broke bitches when I'm done with you.

[noah-andrews]

PM: Y'all are real close huh? Do y'all talk about things? You know like serious stuff? I don't really talk about serious stuff with my brothers. I'm trying to figure out how to talk about stuff with them or even if it's even important. I try not to bullshit if I can help it. I mean obviously sometimes you gotta lie to spare someone's feelings or to keep yourself out of trouble, but for the most part I try to be honest. I figured you'd see right through me if I bullshitted you. Hey things get to be cliche because they're so true they happen a lot right? I used to drink a lot, but I don't anymore. It's actually kind of funny. I drank way more before I was 21. Now that I can drink legally, I'm not really interested. That sounds good.

PM: Doesn't surprise me at all that she and I think alike. Which is to be expected. It's easy to hear something and know that it makes sense, but it's another thing entirely to believe it. I'll be honest and say I likely would have called you out if you tried to tell me you believed it already. I can be persuasive but that would have been a new record for me. As cliche as it sounds that's exactly it. What doesn't kill you can and will make you stronger even if it doesn't feel like it in the moment. I don't drink any alcohol, but if Matt wants to pick one then he can.

[noah-andrews]

"Pics or it didn't happen," Noah said with a chuckle. Obviously he didn't deny that his friend had done that, but he really really needed to see that picture. "I know. I'm totally full of great ideas." He gulped down half of the cup of cold milk in on go wiping his mouth with the back of his hand before eating the last bite of cheesecake. "Dang dude you got all the energy. All I been doing is sleeping and chilling. Hell, I spent three days in the same pair of pajamas." He shrugged. "I did start a new book Matt suggested. It's pretty good. But see I do that in bed too so...." He chuckled again at his own laziness.

Kurt chuckled. "I made my own tiny chef hat, so yeah. I was super cute." He winked at him and laughed softly before wiping his mouth off with the napkin. "Oh, that's a great idea. Yes, I have some, hang on." Quickly he gathered two glasses and filled them up with cool milk from the fridge, soon handing one of those to Noah. "It's not bad. I finally had the chance to finish all the books I had borrowed from the library, finished a couple of designs I had in mind, all good. And now I can't wait to hit the farmers market! They always have the best stuff there."

[noah-andrews]

[PM] It was actually just a basement in one of the houses, but they called it the hole. I think they heard that in a movie or something. It was just dark and there were bugs and dirt and stuff like that. I hated the hole, but for some reason the harder I tried not to get sent there the more I got sent there. I'm such a dumb fucker like that. But pain can teach you things too right?

[PM] Yeah. I guess so. I've been reading with almost from the first time I met you. I like it.

[PM] What was the hole? First of all, I don't think there's anything about you to be cured. Second, I may not be a doctor of any sort, but I can't imagine pain being a cure to anything. Pain can be fun if you enjoy it, but outside of a scene, pain exists to warn us of danger. I'll talk to him, the next time something comes up.

[PM] I do. You don't see yourself as a reader, but you've been reading with me for ages now.

[noah-andrews]

PM: Not seriously 😜

PM: Ok. I guess I'll leave it there. For now.

PM: Yeah? Like we never really talk. Not all together. Sometimes I feel like I don't know y'all. I mean I know that's my fault cuz I'm the one who left. But, yeah, we could just maybe have a poker game or something? That would make it not too awkward right?

PM: You're probably the only person here I'm not going to argue. Seriously, anyway.

PM: Just because.

PM: You didn't make anything awkward. But really? All four of us in one room?

[noah-andrews]

PM: That's pretty much what your sis said. Maybe. I guess. I'll think about that. I mean when you say it, it makes sense, but I still have a hard time believing it. But it really does make sense. Guess it's like that saying about that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger and y'all got strong. Honestly, I don't know? If you want wine or something like that you should probably pick because I know fuck all about wine.

PM: Unless there's a reason for someone to know about it, I would say it's not anyone's business. Good doctors, both medical and otherwise, are aware some things are beyond one's control and know you aren't just "fucked up" like you believe. Mental health can be serious, Noah, and sometimes life-threatening depending on the circumstances. Exactly my point. It sounds like trauma that is triggered by the idea of D/s and not the actual scene itself. Surprisingly... I don't think so. Life sucked at times, don't get me wrong but I look at how things have worked out for me and JB and it makes everything... worth it, in the end. I'll make sure Matt knows, unless you want to formally invite him yourself. Anything you want us to bring?

[noah-andrews]

PM: I don't, but I don't want to argue. You always win arguments anyway!

PM: Why?

PM: Hey also this is gonna sound weird but Matt was saying that maybe we should have a brother talking thing. Well no, that's not what he said. He said we should just all get together and if we talk about stuff then it won't be awkward, but I think I already made it awkward didn't I?

PM: Hey, no, it's annoying because we're annoying. Not because you don't deserve it. You deserve everything.

PM: We don't need to worry about when I hurt thirty, that's a non-issue.

[noah-andrews]

PM: It is annoying. I mean it's good. I'm fucking lucky. Not everyone knows for sure that they are loved. I do. I know it for sure. But it's still annoying because I don't deserve it.

PM: I won't. Same goes for you. You're gonna get to 30 before me so remember that I'm here to help no matter what. But let's be honest you are gonna find someone probably before this time next year!

PM: Don't worry about us. It's our job to worry about you, which is probably really annoying but...tough.

PM: Yeah, I know. Just don't forget that, okay?

[noah-andrews]

[PM] I just worry about telling people about my dysphoria. Not that I'm sure that's what it is, but I've been looking online and that seems to be a what they call it D/s dysphoria. Sounds too technical for fucked up in the head, but doctors probably aren't allowed to say stuff like that. Oh heck no. Matt didn't do anything. He was great. He totally knew about my situation and did everything to make me comfortable. He made it like I was being an actor. We created a character and everything. But then I freaked out and it was dumb. Same with JB and she was really awesome too. Like all these people are always bending over backwards for me and I feel like I don't do enough for them, you know. Is it hard to think that way? Like having to be sort of grateful for the hard stuff you went through because if it made you who you are and you're an awesome dude, it's kind of a good thing, but also still not ok that you had to go through stuff. Cool Friday night.

PM: Well, now I know what to get you for Christmas. Tell me anything, Noah. This is a safe place and anything you say here can remain strictly between us. Dysphoria can be a serious mental health condition if not treated, but it sounds like you might be dealing with some form of trauma connected to D/s because I know Matt wouldn't have pushed you with anything. So your freaking out during that scene may have been from the idea and had nothing to do with what went down during it. I also could be entirely wrong because I wasn't there during it and don't know what went down that led up to your freaking out. I don't get the feeling you're being stubborn. Mental health is a serious thing and sometimes easily overlooked and brushed off. Everything we endure shapes up into the person we are and everything I endured led me to Matt so I'd go through it all again if I had to. Next Friday is perfect. We're all young and dumb at one point and think we can be grown up. Its a learning process that I think we never stop learning.

[noah-andrews]

[PM] It wasn't fun that's for sure. And the hole sucked super hard, but I think they thought they were doing the right thing. They just think you have to strip the bad parts out and that will be painful. Pain is the cure. That's what they said all the time. Maybe they're right and I was just a pussy. But yeah, I guess we have different perspectives. I'm so so so glad you found Jughead. He's such a cool dude. You should def talk to him. You know him, he's gonna be there to listen and I bet y'all got lots you could tell each other.

[PM] You think?

[PM] I think that their definition of fixing you is actually harming you. You're not broken. You just look at things from a different perspective, like I do with sex. If it's trauma dumping, that's why you pay the therapist who is trained to help with that. But whether you choose a therapist, me, your brothers, or someone else you trust... Keeping the trauma buried inside isn't healthy. I don't talk about my trauma with Jughead very often, but... maybe I should take a bit of my own advice here.

[PM] It suits you.

[noah-andrews]

Putting that smile on Kurt's face was it's own reward. He knew how important it was for people to keep a parent in their lives. "She was good at it huh? I bet you were cute af in the kitchen with her." He considered for a moment. "Got any milk?" That seemed like the perfect accompaniment to the delicious sweetness of Kurt's banana cheesecake. "So how you likin' being out of classes?"

Kurt smiled fondly at Noah. He had spoken about his mother plenty to his friend, sometimes even fearing he yapped too much about it, but it happened naturally whenever his mom came up in a conversation. That was why, when Noah said that it warmed his heart up slightly, because he knew what his mom meant to him. "She's definitely going on the credits of it. I mean, I wouldn't have a first clue of any of this if it wasn't for her." He took another big bite and nodded. "We should probably get something to drink. What would you like?" he said after he swallowed his bite.

[noah-andrews]

PM: Well I haven't totally worked that part all out. I mean mostly I'm just working hard not to fuck up and get in trouble or get any of y'all in trouble.

PM: Yeah, yeah. I know. For real and I'm not saying no. I'm just saying I've got so much time before anyone needs to worry about that.

PM: So talk to me about not being a slave. Because I know this shit sucks for you, but what are you actually doing to make sure you get a claim? Damn right I'm stuck with you.

PM: It's all good, don't worry about it. But I hope you know your big brothers are here for you, if you decide you want a claim with one of us.

[noah-andrews]

[PM] To fix me. I don't know. Maybe. No. No, maybe. Definitely just maybe. I mean I don't think my brothers would like it. But it would be trauma dumping. Like the real meaning of that. Nothing good will come of it, you know? But I'll think about it 'k? I really will. I guess so. Pretty fucked up plan. But we can just think about the end results and not the plan.

[PM] I like that. Who woulda thought I would be in a book club lol.

[PM] What do you think their goal was? Would you go back there? If therapists are off the table, then you really should find someone you trust to talk to. If your concern is trauma dumping, you have at least one person in your life who would gladly listen to anything at all if it meant helping you out. You don’t have anything to apologize for. I’ve been thinking about that time a lot lately. It’s what brought me to Jughead. I guess the headmaster’s plan worked after all.

[PM] Great! Our own little book club will be fun.

[noah-andrews]

[PM] That's not what they said. I'll think about it. I just don't like therapists and I don't want you to have to do alla that for nothing. Sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up. That was a sucky time.

[PM] You can totally invite him. He's a cool dude.

[PM] The therapists there definitely do not count. Their goal was to harm you, not help you. I'm no psychologist, but I don't think it's healthy to keep it all to yourself. A therapist would be a good idea, if you don't want to talk to me or one of your brothers. If you wanted to try it out, I could go with you to a session or two so you could have support while you test the waters, and then if you decide you like them, I could leave so you could talk about everything privately. Truthfully, Noah, I don't remember too much of the time surrounding all of that. My memories are very... focused.

[PM] Do you want to invite Jughead to join, or would you prefer it just be the two of us?

[noah-andrews]

[PM] I trust you, but I don't really trust me on all of that stuff. My memories are weird about it, you know. Like to a shrink or a counselor? Do the ones there count? Because I gotta tell you they never made me feel any better about anything. I think I want to just work it out on my own. Yeah? I hope so. I thought maybe it just freaked you out. I know how bad that whole experience was for you. I didn't want to be the dude who added to that.

[PM] That would be cool.

[PM] I don't think it's true for a minute that it wasn't that bad. You're a hell of a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Have you ever talked to anyone about all of the ugly stuff? You didn't do anything wrong back then, either. The advice was good.

[PM] We can have our own mini little book club if you wanted.

[noah-andrews]

[PM] I'm not going to tell you tbh. I mean maybe I'm just a wuss and they weren't that bad. Maybe if I'd stuck it through instead of crying to my brother to come rescue me, I'd be fixed now. Who knows right?But seriously I'm not telling you not because I don't trust you or I'm worried you would judge me. You never would. I know that for a million percent sure. I don't want to tell you because it's ugly stuff and I don't think you should have to hear ugly stuff. No one should. I feel bad enough that time I freaked you out when y'all were going to the auction house. That sounds like a cool book. Yeah, I'd like to read something with you. Then we can talk about it right?

[PM] I have an idea of how bad they were, at least. I don't think you let me in right away to see it all. I still don't know if you let me know everything, but I hope you know you have a judgment-free friendship ready for you whenever you need it. I haven't gotten very far in it yet, but I'm enjoying Breeze Spells and Bridegrooms by Sarah Wallace and S. O. Callahan. Maybe we could all spend some time reading that together?