nobodywillfindthisurl

[nobodywillfindthisurl]

Life might kick you in the face till you have no teeth, and though your smile may no longer be pretty at least it's a smile

[nobodywillfindthisurl]

Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot me Shoot

Just do it why not it might be fun it might feel good

[nobodywillfindthisurl]

I dont even know what to write, just that my life is a cruel joke and idk i almost find it funny at this point

[nobodywillfindthisurl]

how do i like this person already 

[nobodywillfindthisurl]

In relation to my last post,

When it rains, it pours

[nobodywillfindthisurl]

Fuckkkk why do i always end up being awkward with people why cant i make friends i feel okay now but i guarentee im gonna post about this later once it eats at me fuckkk hate this feeling

[nobodywillfindthisurl]

please understand im really, really, seriously sick and i dont want to be this way and im trying not to be this way but i am this way and i cant change that in a day and to treat me in a way that reflects a value system that places me below you because of my issues will only excaserbate them and eventually kill me and you dont get to do that im sorry but you dont

[nobodywillfindthisurl]

I wrote a whole thing that really explained my problems for the first time and my phone crashed because it was too long and it ran out of memory and i lost it and thats really symbolic of my life im so fuckin pointless someone kill me im too fuckin pussy to do it myself

[nobodywillfindthisurl]

who dares me to jump off a fucking bridge

[nobodywillfindthisurl]

[nobodywillfindthisurl]

Just view me as you and I will be you

[nobodywillfindthisurl]

To continue on from my last post, it's like i always thought "oh, im awkward, if only this would happen id be completely better" and then as that shit i was dreaming of actually happened, it turned out it wasn't what i needed. And thats fuckin horrifying. Idk if good shit keeps happening too late in my descent, or if it was just never going to work. But its like im so fucking blessed to have so many beautiful, amazing, golden hearted people around me trying to help, nobody with my issues has what i have in that sense, i have the dream template for rehabilitation and its not enough. And i feel so guilty for that, and so scared, cause what is enough? What is it i need? Im starting to realise i dont know what i need, but i need to know, i need something to work towards. I really feel like there are very few people who habe gone through what im going through rn. I know thats generic and alot of people feel that way so by definition its almost always a neuroses but i think i really am different. What's happened to me isnt meant to happen. Being cut off and close to nobody for a prolonged period of time, being wierd with everyone you where and are meant to be close with, basically all that ive described. Nobody falls through their social netting like i have, its not meant to happen and it doesnt. Im what happens if it does happen. I just want to be like you. I just want to be normal. I just want this shit to stop. I want the scars to heal. I want my success to be permanent and not torture me with its indecisiveness. I dont want to be the kid whos so fucked that they make you feel sad. I emanate my problems. Its not fair. Fml.

[nobodywillfindthisurl]

Fml i hate my anxiety. It's like i just can't seem to socialise at all anymore like my social skills are so rusty that i know what im meant to do in social situations like "oh, heres where i make a joke" or whatever but cant think of how to do it idk, the thing is people really wanna help but my confidence is just so fuckin low that nobody can touch it to bring it up as hard as they try, and its cause theyre trying and i can see that and im so grateful they try but i also hate myself for the fact that they have to try. I hate being that guy in peoples lives. I hate being super awkward and not gelling with anyone. I hate being so scarred that idek how to be close to people anymore. I hate not being able to hide my problems. Im completely emasculated. My issues emasculate me and i feel emasculated when people are trying to help or boost my confidence or whatever. Why do i have to be that guy? Why cant i be normal? Why cant i have fun on a night out? Why do i have to kill the vibe? Why do i have to be hyper aware? People are troopers, some people have been trying to befriend me all summer without any real success. And ive been trying too, hard as fuck, but i just feel sometimes like im too damaged to ever be able to make a friend again. And i barely have any, if i even really have any. Im just so emasculated and below everyone. Its so wierd with my friends, my anxiety got super bad and then i was awkward with them and then it just made it awkward and i cant fix it. My brother i think told everyone about my issues cause he was trying to help but again its so emasculating. Im just broken, they're doing the right things and even a year ago that would have completely fixed shit for me but now i just cant help but have a negative outlook on it all. It just destroys my confidence and makes me just hate being so weak. I dont know whats gonna help me and that scares the fuck out of me like you couldnt understand. Because im super scared that nothing will, or that nothing can. I dont believe in myself one bit. Everytime i see people its like a fuckin trigger cause everything ive written springs to my mind and im just done for already at that point. I have flashes of relative social success, but they're flashes. I was doing so well recently, then last night it was more of the same. It still hasnt fully hit me yet the position im in and i cant let it either. But knowing that is a fucking curse in itself. I just really fuckin love everyone whos trying to help me and i feel so guilty that i cant show them success for their efforts. I just feel like im constantly letting everyone down, and i am constantly letting myself down. The fucking pressure i feel in my mind is indescribable, but its really, really fucking intense. I dont want to die, or commit suicide, or anything like that, i just want to be better but im really terrified that i never will be. And ive barely been able to take this last year, especially this summer, and to continue like this isnt a life worth living. But i still want to live. I want to live and not be in so much pain, and it almost feels like thats having my cake and eating it too. My mind is so broken. Im a broken person. I just neeeeeeddddd to be close to someone. Im not close to anyone at the minute. You dont know how fucking brutal that is, or how it feels. It's the worst experience. I cant put into words how shit it is. But i dont know if i can get close to people. I just have so many scars and barriers. Its like the way ive been feeling since i woke up, its that pressure and these thoughts and feelig shit about every aspect of my self and for being myself, i cant do that for long. I cant take that. I will if it persists. But its just not fair. Its not right. And i dont talk like that much because i dont believe in the concept of deserving per say, but its true. Nothing deserves this pain. I just wish i could tell an actual, real person this shit that i was super close to and i could cry and they would cry with me, for me. I just need someone who views me as an equal, im not on anyones level because of my problems, everyones babysitting me practically. And i keep getting fucked up on nights out cause its the only way for me to be not horrifically awkward and i hate myself for it the next day cause being super drunk or high or both is always gonna lead to awkward and embarrassing moments and when i remember them i cant get them out of my head. If anyone is reading this, please, love yourself. Look at your percieved flaws and realise that in the grand scheme of things, they dont matter. They dont exist. You're not perfect because perfection by definition is hypothetical but you're more than good enough. People in your life love you. You're close to people, and they're close to you. And for a reason, even if you dont feel like you know what that reason is. Its because they like you, simple as. You're not only worth their time, but they want to spend some of their limited time on this earth with you, and thats fucking special if you think about it. You have to love yourself.

[nobodywillfindthisurl]

Siempre

Really, what’s the difference between ash and dust? Always is beautiful, but that’s all it is. Always is a trap, but not all traps are malicious. Is always malicious? Not always. I could do with more always, and less. We all could, more or less. Truth be told, time is a test. We are a testament to time, at best. What will your testimony be? Will it last? When will it pass, possibly at last? Always, alas.

[nobodywillfindthisurl]

Time

And what is death, anyways? I’ll find out And when? I know that less than you do And I don’t even know when I want it to come And I don’t even know if I care

[nobodywillfindthisurl]

Two Notches

I didn't realise how far I'd fallen till I read through my old facebook messages. I don't know how I feel right now. I used to be a cool person. I'm completely different now. I actually like who I was, though it feels like someone I've never met. I wasn't confident, but I was socially competent. More so than most my age looking back, even if i was a little weird. Now I don't even know how to start a conversation let alone keep one going. My friends... to be honest I wish they'd abandoned me. They all but did, except without leaving. Annoyed, disgusted even, at my presence. As soon as I say anything they automatically take the opposing view, judge me, look down on me, spare me pity laughs. Probably laugh behind my back. Not even laugh, just... judge. I look back at my old messages with them with the context of time. It hurts so fucking badly. They actually cared. They actually laughed. I was funny. I was smart. I was interesting. I was a person. Not anymore. The ironic thing is that my old best friend I left because he was a cunt to me. He's still the same, but now he's about to become my best friend again and what's more he treats me better than anyone now. But he still treats me the same. I was so unhappy back then - or, I thought I was. Compared to now it was a fucking dream. To think I'd ever dream of that relationship. All I did was care for my friends. I know it sounds like I'm playing the victim or whatever but I know more than I know anything that I was and always have been the best friend that anyone could ever have in terms of how I treat mine. I was too good. I didn't set boundaries - big mistake. They pushed and pushed and couldn't find the limits. Then they looked down on my weakness. I care too much. I just can't help but love people so fucking much and it's too much. Fucking human nature. We're truly animals. And we're scum. And we're evil as shit. And the shame is we don't even care, we accept it. Well I did care, and look where it fucking got me. I was obsessed with morality, with being a good person. I was the best I could be, and that was nowhere near fucking easy. Look where it fucking got me. Two notches from suicidal. I know it sounds self-indulgent, I know that. But I swear to you. You don't know how bad of an idea it is to be truly good to people until you actually are. I don't know if I've the heart to go back anymore. I'm literally too good. I know it sounds like the most disgusting thing ever to say, you must hate me if you're still reading. But honestly. There has to be one guy out there like that. That's me. Well, I've done the experiment for you, and the results are overwhelmingly negative. Yeah you're not the best person you could be, but it's a fucking asset. It's not pretty, but truth is truth, pretty or not. More often the truth isn't pretty. Nobody respects me at all. Like, 0. Like, you wouldn't understand unless you could witness it kind of thing. I don't want to be a victim. I take full responsibility, it's the only way to give yourself the power to change. But I don't know how to change. I don't know what I'm supposed to do from here. I think about the notes I would leave for people if I did it. Ended it all. Then I wonder would they even read them. Would they even listen. They wouldn't. Would they be at my funeral? Only because they felt they had to to save their own appearances, not because they wanted to, or because they cared. And that's worse than nobody being there, in my books. You don't know what this kind of alienation, exclusion, stigma does to someone. It rips you apart. It destroys your mind. It's a grief so strong it actually seems to damage your brain. My memory is much worse, and all the functions that are related. I'm far past the stage where people cry for help. But I didn't because nobody would respond. I know they'd hear. Or their response would be "oh for fuck sakes, jesus christ are you serious? You selfish piece of shit!" Ironic, is it not? But I'm too fucking cowardly to do it. To end it. I hope that works out for me. I can't take this anymore. It has to get better. It has to.

[nobodywillfindthisurl]

See

Deftly daft. Disillusion; to unveil the face and make available the eyes, to unveil the faces. To feel shame, to see shame, to be shame. To see blame, for where is it not? To see yourself, what torture. To see others, what torture. Eyes see. Now I see.