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[noleiershere]

It’s nice not having to travel for this event while everyone else does. I’m glad I get to stay back in LA with Tyler just taking care of him. I honestly feel like all this time together lately has done us a lot of good. I feel more connected to him. I feel a stronger desire to be close to him and to finally kiss him again.

[noleiershere]

Tyler had surgery on Tuesday. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified the entire time he was in there. Even if I knew the doctor was competent. I couldn’t help but think the worst.

But now we’re home and the dogs are here and Dani and Livi brought over a bunch of home cooked meals for us to heat up. I couldn’t be more grateful for the support system we have right now.

[noleiershere]

Therapy is hard.

Yesterday we didn’t even talk about my assault, which is kind of what I had mentally prepared myself for.

Instead we talked about my family. My relationship with my mother and with my father. Mostly focused on the turning point of these relationships and all the guilt I hold because of it.

At one point I told her that even after me doing drugs lead to my mom’s accident, I have relapsed twice in the last 4 months after being clean for nearly 2 years. That my relationship with my father is the core of what drove me to relapse.

But in our discussion, I realized that I have felt this tension in my relationship with my father for most of my life. I have always felt the need to prove myself to him. I never felt good enough in his eyes. Probably why I always suppressed my sexuality. And while some part of me maybe knew this, talking about it and coming to this in session was a lot.

[noleiershere]

Therapy day 1. Didn’t think I’d dive in so deeply right away.

I thought a two hour session was going to be a lot for the first one, but wow. Necessary.

[noleiershere]

I’m trying so hard to just be happy. I don’t want to focus on what happened to me, I want to move forward.

Tyler and I have been looking at houses in LA over the past week and we’ve been staying with Dani and had lots of time with Livi which has been so, so nice.

Brad kept trying to call me and left countless voicemails even though I’ve blocked his number. Ty listened to them and it turns out he was arrested for possession with intent to deal. Which then prompted a conversation that I should go to the police about what Brad did to me. I’ve been thinking about it. I still have the video he sent me of what happened. But I just don’t want to relive it. 

[noleiershere]

I heard it was national boyfriend day so I wanted to make a sappy post about this guy. I love him To the moon and back . He means the the World to me and I'm so glad to have him in my life. I love you so much thank you For always letting me lay on you as you play video games.

[noleiershere]

I’ve been trying endlessly to call my mom and it never sat right with me that she was never answering. I know my mom and I have a tricky past, but she wouldn’t do that. It’s been eating at me.

Then I noticed I had a section of my voicemails that was from blocked numbers. Which the only number I have blocked is ... him. While I did have a moment of panic and ache about him calling me, I somehow still managed to connect that maybe my mom’s phone has my number blocked

So tonight I asked Ty if I could use his phone to call her and I finally got to talk to my mom for the first time in almost two months. She had no idea my number was blocked or that I was trying to call her, which made it obvious to me that it was my dad. I told her about the text he sent me the day after I last spoke to her and she just told me none of thats true. That she loves me very much, no matter what. ... couldn’t bring myself to tell her the effects of his texts though. How it drove me to relapse. How I was sexually assaulted in the process by someone I thought was my friend.

I just want her out of there. She wouldn’t say anything bad about him, she’s so thankful for all the care he provides her. But I can’t help but fear that he’s hurting her.

[noleiershere]

Me, offering a quickie to my boyfriend to try and fuck some angst out of him, even though I actually really don’t want to have sex at all? You betcha.

It’s been nice being here in Edmonton with him though. Once this hockey stuff is all over, I’m going to tell him about why I moved in with Bebe. He really should know.

[noleiershere]

Honestly been feeling like shit. Always feeling like shit.

Today, I was also feeling like shit not being able to be there for Tyler when I know he’s struggling mentally and physically. But an attempt at seeking emotional support from my best friend ended up pissing me off and I’m honestly so over it. She says that the one time she doesn’t support me, I go off on her. But I feel like this isn’t the first time.

Telling me I’ll risk everyone’s health when I say something about breaking into the bubble to be there for my boyfriend is so not the response a best friend should give. “I know it’s hard” would’ve been miles better.

Still haven’t talked to her. But now I’m in Edmonton. It’s as if the coach could read my mind and he flew me in, planning everything to minimize exposure risk. He can see that Tyler needs a moral boost and is hoping bringing me here will help.

I hope so too.

[noleiershere]

I’m tired. I’m so so tired. 

I’m doing a little bit better,  but I feel like I’m still spending a solid part of my life faking things and pretending as if I’m fine. But it’s so so tiring to just pretend like I’m okay. 

The one really nice thing that came out of yesterday was FaceTime with Tyler. I was babysitting Evie and we got talking. And he said that he wants to raise kids and have a family with me. It was so heart warming to hear. And it really got me thinking about the two of us teaching our kids how to skate and play hockey.

[noleiershere]

“WE AREN'T GOING HOME!!!STANLEY CUP HERE WE COME” 

this just echoes in my head. it just continues to feel like i’m never going to see you

[noleiershere]

Being by myself has been awful. I bought some pills a few days ago and nearly took them. They’re still tucked in my nightstand drawer. No one knows. No one can know. 

I want them. I want to end all these thoughts and memories. This pain and achy and hatred I have for myself.

But I’m not going to. For Livi. For Ty. For Mom. For Bebe and Dani. 

Fuck, I need help.

[noleiershere]

Fuck. Stars won.

I mean yay, congrats...

[noleiershere]

My dearest Tyler;

I tried texting you, but I think you're asleep. You need your rest for your game tomorrow. The clock says it's 8:30 right now. But I honestly don’t even know if that’s AM or PM. I’ve lost all concepts of time. It doesn’t exist in my word any more. I don’t recall the last time I slept for what is considered “normal” hours. While the rest of LA is asleep at night, I’m awake — tossing and turning. Smoking and gaming. Trying to get out of my head. When I do sleep, it usually takes hours for me to fall asleep. But then I’m out for 12 hours, sometimes more.

Sleep is the worst. It’s hard to sleep when I’m laying here and all there is to do is think. Memories. What ifs. Whys. All the hard stuff. Drugs would fix it. Fuck, would I love to get high and just numb those thoughts so I could function in some normal sort of way. But I’ve been trying really hard not to. Really fucking hard. Got back in touch with my NA sponsor from when I was in rehab over a year ago. But that’s only been surface help.

I’m really writing this to you because I don’t know what the fuck to do anymore. It’s been 22 days. People that know what happened talked to me as if I’m still the same. In some ways I’m glad because I don’t want to be pitied and I don’t like people fussing over me. I guess I’d rather them continue as if everything is fine. But for me that means I’m faking it.  How am I doing? “I’m okay.” — No, I’m not. I’m really fucking not. I’m at least more open with you. But with Dani and Bebe, I pretend like everything’s fine. They both have other things going on and don’t need to worry about me. But you see through that bullshit of mine.

It’s easier for me to write to you like this than it is to talk through text, FaceTime, or on the phone. I’d be too emotional talking about it in the moment — that’s not to say I’m not emotional now. I’m writing this and sobbing. But it feels oddly therapeutic to just get this shit off my chest this way.

A couple nights ago I told you that I don’t know when I’ll be able to please you again; when I’ll be able to be intimate. You told me that’s okay, that you’d wait. But I’ve been really struggling with this the most. Tyler, my sense of security and safety in something so basic to human need and desire has been stolen from me. He saw it as something to take. That I was something for him to take. The memories of that night have slowly trickled their way back to me and have left me in more pain than I thought I could be in. I’ve had thoughts of you showing up in LA and surprising me at my door. You hold me and kiss everything better. But then his face appears. The memories slip in. And I’m robbed of my happiness and comfort once again.

It’s an endless cycle of pain and it just gets worse.

Worse.

Worse.

Worse.

I don’t know how I can get better from this.

Thank you for sticking with me through all this. I have never been with someone who has supported me so unconditionally.

I love you to the deepest depths of the earth.

- Tay

[noleiershere]

i don't want to be here

Again, so so many of you might be feeling this way.  I’m going to go with Taylor L.

[noleiershere]

Telling everyone I'm going to take a nap, when really I just don't want to talk to anyone.

I just want to be alone. I want to leave. I can't engage with people and fake like I'm okay when I'm really really really fucking not.

[noleiershere]

It’s 2am and I can’t sleep. So instead I watched the video.

Now I can’t stop crying. It’s really something watching a video of yourself being sexually assaulted when you finally realize that’s what happened...