nomorerants

[nomorerants]

a time between times

21/3/2022

I know you think we would have met and fallen in love if we lived in the same town but oh angelos I don’t think you understand the breadth and depth of my ability to avoid all human souls. One would think we would fall in love, and everything would be sweet and a delight however you can’t talk to me when I never leave my house, draw my days away, live in my head so I hardly talk to anyone besides my best friend. You might have had more of a chance in high school but after, well, I ceased to have any close friends. I haven’t been to many parties in my life I never get invited I guess the autistic experience, I was always chosen last on sports teams, or any teams except for when people wanted to cheat off my work and fake kindness and pretend to be friends with me. Looking back, I wonder how many of them cared an inch about me.

I know what you think but I know me and I was even shier in high school the fact is that you would not have known I existed I wanted to be that way and never underestimate the power of an aspie to be ignored, blend into my surroundings, let the void of life take me. I was an expert at being mute, never talking when I had something on my mind, not making any new friends. I want to believe we fell in love I think about it in my head many times but in reality, I know my repressed gay autistic self too well to know anything would have happened. It's all my fault in a way.

Though you looking exactly like max Caufield would have caught my attention instantly and I would have never talked to you and I doubt we would share any of the same classes besides perhaps art because I was a science and maths nerd and still am. Even in those classes, you would have to do all the talking and I doubt you would get any words out of me. The thing is you know you love me know but you would have never known that when you saw me I wanted to let the void of the world take me, I think I looked depressed, not here, in some other plane entirely, you probably just thought I won't be interested in you not just because I'm autistic but because well I was not in a good state of mind back then and I told no one, it was hard for me to be in this world and still is.

I don’t see many realities that could have happened even if I was French or you were Australian where we actually met in person, met and fell in love. Angelos, I never let anyone in, even my best friends knew nothing that went on in my head for years until they asked, directly I mean. I think they tried to do it indirectly looking back now but my aspie brain had no idea, still has no idea. How do you think you would have fared? Would you like to talk to a shell of a person, a brick wall for a few years? I don’t mean to be depressing I just was back then I only ever ranted like you hear me to myself and I guess only until I met you last year did things change I'm just not as shy now, though perhaps in comparison to fifteen year old that’s a low bar. I know you think you would have found your way past my thick vines around my personality, soul, me but I don’t think even I could make it past that.

All that being said, I love to imagine us falling in love in high school or at university. Its simpler, simpler than be being stuck in the middle of an ocean with you on the other side of the world. I love to imagine me sitting there in the art room of my high school when one was there the problem was that the art kids loved to hang out in there so it was hard to find a time when I could be alone. The large grey paint-stained tables if I was sixteen I would drawing brian molko, the leader singer of placebo, daivd bowie or some other feminine man.

And perhaps you would come with a group of friends or on your own, maybe we’re in the same art class or maybe you just want to see what I'm drawing. I’d noticed right away that you look like max Caulfield how could I not, life is strange and the catcher in the rye were my massive obsessions at the time though I wouldn’t say anything I doubt I would even mutter the words hi. You would have to do all the talking. Ask me what I'm drawing. Tell me that it looks good. I don’t know if I would even be able to respond I’m too shy, too starstruck, too gay to say anything coherent. I don’t know if you could even get my name out of me. I would be twirling my hair the whole time like I do now something never change. My hair was brown and short back then not that curl since it was way shoulder but some parts were long enough to curl around my fingers I probably started cutting my own hair back then too. I won't give you eye contact if you thought I was bad now I'm even worse at it in high school. I think you might read me as not being interested in you or not caring or wanting you to go away and part of that isnt wrong I wanted all of humanity to level me alone but someone where deep down if I would like to admit it or not I liked that someone talked to me especially since they looked like max Caulfield. I know you would like to think you would keep talking, break down my defensive wall and I would love to think that too but angelos you never meet teenage me if you thought I was shy now times that by ten, though I couldn’t read social cues now times that by ten, times all my faults by ten. You would have to do all the talking. I don’t know if I would let you or just leave sorry but teenage me was incredibly mean like that I just hated people do much.

Perhaps if I didn’t talk back you might see me at lunch the next week my best friend and I always sat in the same spot every day on the red bench that we called the Tarantino because it was red like blood and non-linear, it curved around. That’s not even a joke I didn’t make that up I think my best friend came out with that and we would tell everyone we are going to the Tarantino. I guess we were strange like that. So we used to sit there every day, face the library and our lockers hugged the library walls. Our school never had enough space for the lockers they need to put them outside where lockers weren’t supposed to be.

My best friend and I would sit and talk about anything and everything I didn’t know what we talked about I know it was class, programming, maths, nerd stuff, we had a lot in common, not music but a lot of other things to, sometimes my friend who I told you who I think had autism would join us but not always. I was really an extension of my best friend and everyone knew it we did everything together so if you had to talk to me you had to talk to her too. Sometimes I think you would like her much more than you like me, she, well, perhaps strange in the same way at you are at times you remind me at her, especially her jokes and your love of doctor who. But that’s where you would find me at my high school when I was fifteen or beyond we rarely ever change places unless there were people around because we hated other people, you see why my best friend and I got along so well. I don’t know what you would talk about life is strange? If you even knew I liked it.

At some point, I would come out as trans and all my friends knew just the thing was I didn’t have many and many people didn’t care about me I was always the one in my extended friend group or circle or whatever you wish to call it that everyone forgets about, never pay attention to, didn’t even know I existed. See even people I speak to forget me I had really perfected the art of blending into the shadows. We are all the nerds. I think about every single kid that got the highest mark in their respective classes were in the group. I didn’t speak to them often or anything, more my best friend did as again I was an extension of her.

Every lunch I was always in the same place so if you wanted to talk to me you knew where to find me you might even see me in front of our lockers, if you wave I might not even notice or freak out to my best friend to whether I was meant to know thing person or that this person keeps speaking to me. you would really have to give it your all to become my friend in any way since I was so unwilling to talk to anyone I didn’t know. If we had the same class together you would have an easier time, since I couldn’t exactly run away from you. I would always be on my chemical romance fan account though something never change if you did start me talking about my chem I might never stop and again somethings never change. Though I don’t know how you get me started and I might even force you to listen to them because I love them so much.

You know I really love the idea of forcing teen you to listen to my chemical romance with me because none of my friends liked them in the same way I did. My best friend told me famous last words wasn’t a good song, my other friends that did know who Gerard way was I think had only heard the popular songs and the black parade and not that they had to be obsessed with my chem but they weren’t on my level of passion and obsession none of them wanted to wait in a line for five to six hours to meet frank iero and it was all for free, why would you not. I had to go with my mum but I love the idea of us going together that would be so cute instead of my mum forcing frank to look at my terrible teen fanart it would be you and that’s much cuter. I love the idea of us watching life on the murder scene together in the library or wagging sports class together so I could read you ft willz and we would analyse the poems to death that we might even write about it on tumblr, you with your English literature I could use your help, in the morning because my parents dropped me off early I could have someone that cared about me screaming about Gerard way’s weird fucking tweets for an hour before school started I don’t know how I had so much to say but I always did. And no one called but I believe you would.

I would read the catcher in the rye to you like I do now but in person and it would be and even more line by line analysis but I have no idea holden Caulfield was gay or autistic its funny like that because I didn’t know either. But I would tell you how much I related to him and how max Caulfield is a reference to him and i have so much to say about the catcher in the rye anyway I kept writing about in my art folio my poor art teacher who had to sit through all my drabble and rambles about a repressed gay aspie in the 1950s or whatever the catcher in the rye is set. I had no one really to rant about it to I really had no one really to rant about any of my most intense hyperfixations to but I wish you could have been there so I could rant at you forever.

I mean it when I said for Halloween I would have cosplayed as chole and you as max. my aspie mind might not even mean it to be flirting at all, even though I would have a crush on you, I'm sure since you can apparently read some social cues you would take it that I was flirting or we were going as a couple which in some ways is true. I would have had fun anyway. Haloween isn't really a big thing in Australia I don’t know what it's like in France but we can still dress up anyway I always do even if I'm the only one in my area in full vampire costume I look cool so who cares.

Perhaps we would play life is strange together and replace and make all the decisions together and we had to kiss chole the most important one of it all. if you want to know what decisions I made in the end I felt it was the only one I should make you know I saved chole I was like I spent this whole game saving chole im not giving up now I know the whole of arcadia got destroyed but fuck it I love that women so much I would literally give up the world for her and I hope she loved me back as much as I loved her. I know its just a video game so my decisions don’t matter probably partly why I could make such a decision like that but you know if chole was you in that situation I don’t know why I have magic time powers but alas I think I would save you too. Im selfish like that I guess and its not my fucking fault the world is ending at least have some fun with it. Teen me would say you with a thought like I saved chole because I really hate the whole fucking world. Fuck it all. fuck the whole wide world and all.

Maybe you would dye my hair blue I've always wanted to dye my hair since I was about eleven and ive never done it as you know im scared of change and ive never had anyone to do it with me but the I would have you in high school you know at times I probably nearly had the chole hair but a bit short depends on when I cut it and I used to wear beanies a lot it always felt more masculine in a way like you were a cool tomboy.

The optimist in me wants to think that you would have found a way through my autistic defences and captured my heart but the pessimist remembers who I was. Though regardless I think about this often how life could be different than we could be closer and we all the things we could have tried and all the ways we could be with each other.

I think we would have made quite the couple.

 Yours,

gerardwayisepic (my instagram bandom account)

[nomorerants]

the mysticism of poetry

20/3/2022

David Hockney, known to be one of the best living oil painters in Britain and a gay man, once said something along the lines of you can teach the craft but you can teach the poetry. well, what happens when poetry is your craft. What then? There must be some way to learn it or are we all fucked with a bit of luck? Poetry has this mystical quality to it that I feel other disciplines don’t have. Where does one begin? With fiction, I begin with the beginning and end with the ending, whatever I have to say mirrors the characters and their arcs and plots and I know poetry can have some elements of the art of storytelling, however, there seems to be something quite fundamentally different about the two. Prose and poetry. I know, angelos, you believe me a poet yet I in no way see how these unedited words of a pure stream of consciousness are anything but that, rambles and drabbles. I want to be like one of the greats, a contemporary like ocean voung or pete wentz or the greats of history like Emily Dickinson or John Keats.

Though one can learn rhyme and meter, that’s not really poetry at its heart in the same way that one could say characters and plots are the heart of storytelling, the meaning and intention seem more integral to the poetic arts and I know before I said it seems that poets have gifts from the gods and I want to believe its bullshit but how does one learn, learn how to describe the vagueness of emotion and thought into the finite set of words of the English language, or any language for that matter. We connect words, noises, sounds, to emotions but often I feel they are quite soundless, they are more some pull in a direction, an overwhelming sensation, the dark void of the abyss but even these metaphors don’t cut it but it's all we have.

I suppose everyone starts with how do poets think of metaphors in some ways novelists do the same but I feel we have enough limits in the scene, the character's mind, the setting, the motifs that it makes it easier for us, we know where to begin and where to end. Most of the time, I steal my metaphors from greats who have come before me. Why not? I don’t have a mind to keep on re-inventing the wheel, war and peace, the beauty of trees, or whatever else poets seem to write about.

I often feel like Orlando in Virginia Woolf’s book always searching for the word, searching for greatness though never having the gift, talent, or luck to arrive there. Perhaps poetry is just hard work like all other mediums. Practice makes perfect or greatness but where does one practice when one doesn’t even know where to start? I suppose I could start writing poems about you, a great muse makes more great art however I fear I may run out of ideas quite soon not for lack of inspiration in that regard I am quite satisfied but for the limitation of my own intellect. What does it mean for a poem to be good? To be great? And in the case to be bad? How do you know if your striving close to great art or merely an amateur who will forever be that not great? I don’t necessarily feel that I will one day be great at art. I'm not that delusional however I quite like the idea of it, the idea of it without all the people or fame or success or having attention—quite autistic of me I know. In little women when Jo (I believe that’s her name) says I want to be great or nothing at all. I feel that on some level though in a way I want to be great and nothing at all at the same time both in different ways. Great to myself and nothing to the world, though perhaps, I'll just be great to you and nothing at all to me and I suppose that’s what matters.

Chuck Close, a famous Australian oil painter, was once asked if there was no one left on earth would he still create art or the question was something along those lines and to me the answer is obviously yes but I believe that’s the autism talking but when is it not? I was surprised that other artists didn’t answer in the same way as me because to me art seems so personal and private and I choose to share it with the world but for example, most words of fiction that I've ever written have never been shared with the world and never will be. Most of the art, though usually because it's either not that good or simply just sketches will never be shared with the world and honestly if social media didn’t exist or I wasn’t allowed to post my art on there I would keep painting and never think about stopping. So, I suppose if it's great or not is only to my standards all other opinions are useless, I appreciate them but they don’t matter to me in the same way they seem to matter with other artists. Perhaps because its not my living so I have no collectors to satisfy, no audience to feed, my life isn’t controlled by others' approval and opinions of my art and thank god because that sounds like a hell I would never like to live.

However, to circle around to poetry, perhaps I need to try and not be afraid to fail miserably as I believe that is the life of all artists, a series of failures and skills is when you fail slightly less. Perhaps in every poem I’ll write I’ll have a breakdown like I do in my paintings. If you don’t push yourself what is the point of making art?

Sorry for the rambles about art I was just thinking about the bird, art, life, death and you are soon to come

-Casey

[nomorerants]

9/03/22

Dear R,

I wrote this before I truly realised I’m actually just autistic so take this monologue as you will I didn’t finish it because i want to say something different now. but here are the unfinished words from last week.

I always thought I would die alone and some part of me still believes that. Everyone in my life seems to have exponentially more relationships than I have, even the girls who are just experimenting seem to have way more experience with other women than me. I never wanted to admit it but I was so jealous of everyone who could just suddenly have sex with a girl at the party or even be offered sex by anyone. I don’t get and still don’t get how it happens. Perhaps it's because I’m never invited to enough parties since I have no friends anymore that ever really invite me. perhaps that’s my fault for not asking them even though I don’t really know how in real life and I will probably continue to question if im autistic and never know since I’m too afraid to ever face my issues. (future casey thinks this is hilarious)

You told me you would talk to me if you saw me in real life but angelos mou, im so incredibly awkward and shy around people who aren’t my closest friends and at the moment you’re the only close (girl)friend I got. I don’t think I would say many words to you as much as I would like to, or I would have so much energy my brain fries and I can't talk anymore I just don’t exist. I don’t know if you would have fall in love with if we were in the same town I would like to think that but angelos I never leave my room so the chances of you meeting me are so slim that perhaps it was inevitable that we would meet online. I don’t know.

I think I bring all my social problems on myself don’t tell anyone anything if you do you will start missing everyone, but one thing holden failed to mention is that don’t tell anyone anything if you do they will start making fun of you. yeah, that’s been my life. I never wanted to be envious of other people but I simply don’t know how people just have sex it baffles me to this day im sorry if this is dumb or stupid to say but I don’t know it's true. Are you meant just going to bars and clubs or tinder dates just for fuck people? How do people even do that I hate when rooms are so loud you just can’t hear people because my hearing is never too good so I never know what to say where there is more than one person around I just go mute.

Its funny when autistic people talk about masking and I’m just like well if u dont say anything they cant catch you for saying something dumb. I really hate saying things in groups. I hate accidentally speaking over people because I don’t know when it’s a socially acceptable time to intervene. I don’t know where to conversation speak. I don’t know how to ask questions to keep a conversation going. I dont know how to talk to strangers. I hate when anyone talks to me. I just hate people. I hate the world.

Sorry for the rambles that future me can just tell is me being an aspie (aspergers) I don’t know if you’re meant to use that word but it's really the community I relate to. Yeah apsie me wants to die alone and now I'm glad we can die alone together haha well I’m sure you will have other people than me I might not.

eternal love,

casey

[nomorerants]

8/03/2022

Love is an addiction, perhaps that the adhd speaking, though now I understand why all the great poets and master artists speak so much about love now. I want to catch them all, love all the girls who look like boys, the goth girls, manic pixie dreams. Let me fall in love with you all. I will never know if they will love me back, but all addicts need to get more of a fix when their tolerance goes up. I think I now understand pete for falling in love with half of the boys at warped tour, there is something just so alluring about girls. I hope the emo girls fall in love with me.

But for the moment I think one is enough and that’s you. I don’t want to share my thoughts with anyone else. I want to connect you with all my thoughts, hyper fixations, rants and rambles. I want to listen to every gay love song and be reminded of you because this is us and will always be us.

Love is one of those emotions, states of being, lifestyles that grips one’s neck too tightly that your windpipe is busted yet one still needs to breathe and that is through you. you are my sugar for my soul. I don’t need you in my life, as a holden Caufield I never need anyone I’ll have you know, but life is ever the sweeter with you in it, and once you start you can’t stop I carve your taste, your tongue, your tits (sorry) and I’m going to lick you all up like icing sugar on a birthday cake and I know you're catching my drift.

I can’t stop my thoughts of you, and I don’t think I would ever want to. People say when someone heartbreaks their heart they will ruin certain songs or movies for them but why would I ever want to stop my thought of you no matter what you say. i want to associate you with everything so I can’t escape you, you’re more than just flesh and bone to me you’re a living in my daydreams, fall out boy songs, in the paper of twenty three love letters in the sailing the seven seas. Even though my adhd makes me forget our conversations and your rants my adhd means I’ll never forget you; I’ll never stop loving you. you’ll be my hyper fixation until death do us part.

-c

[nomorerants]

8/03/2022

i’m hot and miserable. totally back in love

[nomorerants]

a witch, a raven and the end of time

8/03/2022

Dearest of all the lesbian boys,

R

My smile ruins you and we both know it. When you hide until your hoddie, behind your embroidery or look away into the champagne streets I know your blushing. You can't hide from me. I’m always thinking of you as vampires think of blood, the urge to bite a human for blood is always in their minds like your always in mine. And vampires and I can't change that I don’t think there is any way for me stop how does one even stop their thoughts, it’s a constant hum that will never end until death no matter what words you say I’ll always love you.

I think you will too, of course, I'm not in your mind but it’s crazy to think you’re just as obsessed with me as I am with you. I never thought that would ever happen two vampires in love craving blood just as much as they do each other.

It's one of those things that people always tell you one day you will meet someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with and I thought they were all full of shit not only am I a repressed homosexual but I'm a recluse too I never see other people and I ignore all parts of the universe. How could such an introverted homosexual fall in love with such a butch beautiful like you? I am in awe to this day. and then you came to a lot I'm so glad in the beginning u texted me back so many times when I didn’t respond due to my forever delining mental health or my time zone. And now I met you and speak to you every day for hours and hours and hours from ur dawn to my dusk. And in the moments I'm not in ur digital arms in my mind your arms never leave me. Perhaps soulmates are real I never really understood the concept and then I meet you are you the only person out of the seven billion and counting on this planet that can make me this happy? I don’t know but you must be in the top ten of them all and you’re the number one that I've ever met so far.

Or perhaps all our lives are controlled by fate or destroy or the homosexual apollo and whatever we do we can't escape our fates. So was it my fate that I met you? and if it is I hope to god we aren’t star-crossed like dorian gray and basil hallward perhaps not a literally stabbing but metaphorically or perhaps the distance is metaphorically stabbing us.

You know I google flight to France and they are all over one thousand if not hiding two thousand and is that just one ticket alone? Or as in I must buy two? R, you're going to make me so broke but it will be so worth it to stare at your smile behind the sea of trees and blooming of the flowers. I just miss your touch, lips, hips and I've never even felt any of them yet. However, I’ll wait for as much as I must perhaps it will only be months? A year? A decade? Who knows when you live in the underworld.

You’re Orpheus and I’m Eurydice, you have to get be the hell out of this underworld I don’t belong here. I don’t know where I belong exactly but I know where you and your arms are that’s where I should be. I don’t care if that’s France, Iceland or the middle of the sea. I always belong with you. though unlike Orpheus when the going starts down look back know that I'm always there always watching always following you don’t need to doubt my love, my obsession, my need for love.

You’re the witch and I’m your raven and where you need me to be, in your arms and you're in mine.

For the rest of time,

Your Enjolras

[nomorerants]

5/03/2022

dear r,

what are we going to do is one of us going to move somewhere else or will we forever yearn? will be the type of lovers that see each other once a blue moon or the ones that run away together into the starlight and forest. what will we do when one of us is in the middle of the fucking ocean? can we only yearn? are we star crossed? have the stars decided our fate for we were born? is this destined to fail or will we make it through? will you always love me like you do or will you meet someone closer, better, that means more to you. I know we all love the what ifs of life the good and the bad however when I’m around you it’s like none of the matter anymore I don’t care I don’t care if you fail and you ruin my heart in such a way no one can ever truly fix it ever again or if we just grow apart or your hyper fixation fades and u never really loved me but u just loved the idea of me. if we need it and nothing works out. if I’m a terribly top. if I’m too shy in real life and you only like the twitter version of me. none of this matters I don’t give a fuck anymore all I want to do is date you for as long as you will let me because every single what if it worth for me the idea of success is worth it for me. I love you too much to do anything. my thoughts are consumed by your face, your voice, the way u mumble noises when I make you speechless and the way you rest your head on your hands and stare at me oil paint, the way you hide your face under a hoodie and when you have none you find some time to hide behind because you’re not used to being the shy one. I’m not used to being the bold one but it comes so naturally when I’m around you I feel I never have to restrain myself or pretend some thoughts I never had, well some thoughts are always better kept hidden, but you make me feel at ease like no one else does. I love you forever and always. I know everyone always feels their love will never fade but mine truly never do I love you and I forever will no matter what words you say to me no matter anything you do or say or who you date or if you move on and forget me if you get a new hyper fixation. I’m honoured to be one of them at the very least to have some impact on your life.

I wrote this a few days ago but I'm posting here because why not i wrote it and it exists and you can hear these words i suppose

romantically yours,

casey

[nomorerants]

an ode to old beginnings and new ends

7/03/2022

Nothing used to happen in my life at least not enough to keep a journal. Though now that I think about it do talk to myself every single second of the day and perhaps I could t have done it anyway I'm sure I had anything to say I just didn’t write them down in long form. Actually, on my old instagram posts they would be longer form I should stand corrected however I don’t know I feel I need to start a journal in a way just for me or perhaps someone sees but I won't do it physically in case someone in my house sees and my writing is the worst and even though my typing doesn’t work without autocorrect and even with it I still don’t know how to write you know the dyslexic like so I guess I'm here on Tumblr shouting into the abyss and hoping no one notices me well no one will. I know it. I hope no one finds this or they are going to see a young adult diary of someone who might end up in the psych ward someday that’s what I told my friend today. I say it with a smile, but I mean it. Who knew that love couldn’t cure your depression and self-hatred? I knew it theatrically but then I fell in love and well how miserable my life used to be beforehand it's so addictive, so thrilling even if you were born in the isle of champagne and I was born in the middle of the ocean. Now I feel the need to shout my love to the void because I want to scream, I love from the top of my lungs but I’m afraid that someone is going to hear me. But who the fuck is going to hear me on tumblr! No one but me. I have too much to say for twitter now and as much as I spam my private twitter with tweets about my love for my girlfriend and my depression it's not enough, I need to devote more time to it all. and here I am in the wave of gay sadness, writing to the oblivion about the void of my soul and all the good, fun, thrilling stuff.

-c

[nomorerants]

my favourite what if

7/03/2022

What the fuck are we going to do. You live in the land of wine, and I live in the land of death. Am I wrong? I have no connection to this country I won't lie however my ability to just learn France might be very limited, my Greek is already terrible I don’t know if I could handle another language however love makes people do crazy things it's true. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if by the end of the month I've already bought a French textbook the thing you make me do. Thought realistically what the fuck are we doing with our relationship. Officially it just started but you have to admit we have been in gay limbo for the last few months. Are we the type of lovers to see each other once in a blue moon, have a summer of love and then never again for years or are we the type of lovers to domestically spend the rest of our lives together? I don’t know. I don’t know what I want, and I don’t know what you want. Maybe we don’t have to know we are twenty-one, but I can't help but think about it because of the distance.

I wish I was closer, much closer and then we could try things. We could live like gay lovers that Shakespeare and Emily Dickinson write about, running through flower meadows and hidden from the human world but instead all we can do in many ways we can only yearn. I do love to yearn I must admit but will I yearn for you forevermore? In one of these years of our lives we must, we must, but is once enough? I will always want more, and I think you will too. I don’t normally think about my future at all but suddenly you appear and really turn me down under life the right side up by which I mean to say I think a lot about birds, art, life, death and you.

what are we going to do? I really love you angelos and I think I always will like oscar wilde will always love Boise, though admittedly you are not toxic at all you just live in France. I wanted to fall in love with someone closer to home I won't lie not because you aren’t the most brilliant and caring and understanding person, I have ever met you are, but I just miss you always in that simple desperate human way that one misses another. (I semi quoted vita Sackville-West there). But part of me won't trade the missing you for anything because I would rather spend my days missing you than some subpar lesbian, I just found in melbourne who I feel I want to date so I don’t die alone.

But then the question comes back what are w going to do? I don’t know. You mean so much to me and I know I mean a lot of too but realistic how many times in our lives can we fly to France and Australia or meet in the middle. Its pretty funny in a way (I know holden Caufield let me have this) I think all my loves are star crossed, there is always something in the way repressed homosexuality, my own inability to talk to others, a fucking ocean and sometimes a bit of all the three. So, in a way I’m used to it. Perhaps that sounds sad and a bit dramatic but what else is Pisces season for other than a bit of drama. I miss you always and one day I don’t want to miss you anymore because you're just there standing in our doorway. Or perhaps I'm the boy next door always staring into your window at night until I can talk to you tomorrow. I just want you to hear with me. Sometimes.

At least. I'll take one day then no days. But I want all my days to have you physically in it and not just in France so again what the fuck are we going to do? I don’t know. I really don’t. I just don’t see many futures where we are together in the same town for years and that makes me want to cry. We are polyamorous however I don’t want you to be just one of the thirteen sapphics I love, I want you to be the one I love the most.

Long-distance is hard and ill do it for you because you make me crazy angelos and I can't stop thinking about you. crush is the lamest and inadequate way of describing our relationship and girlfriend sometimes isn't intense enough. I love you more than I ever thought I would ever love at a person in their world at twenty-one and I know that we met in July so it's not even a year but angelos now I can't imagine a life without you in it even if that means me and my thoughts about you. in some ways you will always be my favourite what if the best ill never know. And perhaps that is okay maybe I have to accept that, accept that we will never be the lovers that dreams are made of.

What are we doing to do?

I don’t know but all I know is that I will keep loving you from dusk to dawn, til twilight to starlight.

-c

[nomorerants]

i want to scream i love you at the top of my lungs but im afarid someone is gonna here me

7/03/2022

Honestly, I never used to understand how writers, lyricists, artists and the like would write about love and heartbreak and find these metaphors that convey that specific emotion so elegantly and correctly. I thought perhaps it was a gift from the gods as though before birth the gods on mount Olympics sat and gave some humans the gift of poetry and words and the rest of us could strive for skill and talent in the art of words and never get there as one needs some certain gift. It's stupid of course as an oil painter I know that gifts as a child don’t matter, your ability to paint is equivalent to the amount of time, energy and practice you have put into t your craft, but poetry always seemed too mysterious. One can learn story structure, character arcs and building a world however how did one learn how to convey emotions in unique and interesting ways that no one has ever written before. It seemed like a gift. And then I fell in love with you. and now I realise how inadequate the English language is and describe any of my emotions towards you. the word love is too vague, and the notion of soulmates is too naïve. However, like the poets who have come before I will try to use the language, we have at our fingertips to describe the describe feelings that I feel you. now I get it it’s the never-ending pursuit of poetry to convey emotions with such accurately that anyone who reads it can understand exactly how you feel. Emotions are timeless and experiences are of their time. I in some ways I think that’s what makes good art using the experience of their time to describe the timeless emotions that one in fifty years can appreciate. So, for as long as I feel anything towards you will try to convey those emotions into words for the world to here. You will make me an Emily Dickinson out of me yet.

-c