nonbinarynow

[nonbinarynow]

Op's pronouns: he/him, they/them

[nonbinarynow]

Everyone will talk the big talk about why enben are okay with binary gendered terms, but no one will critically deduce the reasons for why that is such a common thing in the NB community. Because when you are not binary aligned, those terms don't really capture your gender, explain who you are to other people and don't make space for people like us. But they are convenient, everyone knows those terms, and they "work well enough" if you ignore the fact that they are erasing you. They always cause discomfort, discourse, exclusion. So why are they so commonly used by non-binary people even though they do not accurately describe or include us?

(hint: it's binary supremacism)

[nonbinarynow]

Please forgive me if this is a stupid question, but what exactly is the issue with the nblnb and associated tags being only full of smut? Hear me out; I'm saying that if those tags are full of posts purely by nonbinary people, then... it feels kind of victim-blamey to point at them and say "hey, why are you only posting smut, that's fetishizing yourself" y'know? I highly doubt that's what you intended, so, I feel like I'm definitely missing something here, because I don't go through any of those tags basically ever. If it's full of mostly Binary people making smut posts and cross-tagging or something, then I absolutely get where you're coming from. I'm not saying that you're wrong, it's just a bit confusing to understand your point without the full scope of context.

(I'm nb myself btw) (also if those tags really are full of mostly smut then I'm not exactly interested in looking into them myself, y'feel? That's why I'm turning to you for the context. Okay thank you have a good day)

It's not a stupid question! It's a very good question actually, thanks for asking 😊

When you see the more binary associated tags, there are many facets of the binary t4t experience. Binary trans people between themselves see themselves not only as sexually valuable, but as platonically, romantically, humourously, theoretically, philosophically. There is a sexual side, but it is clear that there is other forms of value binary trans people have when attracted to one another. It's also a more nagivateable experience for anyone looking for t4t relationships and relatable content that is aiming to not only see sex. Contrastingly, the nb4nb tags are basically only nonbinary people posting only sexual context about ourselves.

Keep in mind, non-binary people knowing their sexual value within themselves and other enben is not a bad thing. However, it becomes a problem when you seek multifaceted representation and community in nb4nb as a diamoric person or you are repulsed by constant sexual imagery and the community is just about sex. It reflects how as an enban you are sexualised and comes across as enben only valuing themselves and other enben through their sexual worth. It can feel dehumanising and potentially exclusive for enben too. This is a learned form of exorsexism; in a world that oppresses and discriminates against you, you are desexualised but also hypersexualised. You may lean into either one for survival. It's not a fault of the individuals, the problem will always lie with the system. Enben are allowed to express ourselves sexually, and this is very important to note. But when you are attempting to seek a multifaceted community that is meant to show the multifaceted nature of enben and our different experiences of diamoric/enbian attraction, it kind of hurts to only be sexualised and see only sex. It reminds of how there is an effort to show the nuances of binary trans life, relationships, love and humanity, but how that effort hasn't been extended to diamoric experiences.

It's not a matter of pushing out or marginalising the sexual side of our community, but bolstering the fact there is so much nuance to enben, our lives, our relationships, our love and our humanity that is outside of sex too.

[nonbinarynow]

Please forgive me if this is a stupid question, but what exactly is the issue with the nblnb and associated tags being only full of smut? Hear me out; I'm saying that if those tags are full of posts purely by nonbinary people, then... it feels kind of victim-blamey to point at them and say "hey, why are you only posting smut, that's fetishizing yourself" y'know? I highly doubt that's what you intended, so, I feel like I'm definitely missing something here, because I don't go through any of those tags basically ever. If it's full of mostly Binary people making smut posts and cross-tagging or something, then I absolutely get where you're coming from. I'm not saying that you're wrong, it's just a bit confusing to understand your point without the full scope of context.

(I'm nb myself btw) (also if those tags really are full of mostly smut then I'm not exactly interested in looking into them myself, y'feel? That's why I'm turning to you for the context. Okay thank you have a good day)

It's not a stupid question! It's a very good question actually, thanks for asking 😊

When you see the more binary associated tags, there are many facets of the binary t4t experience. Binary trans people between themselves see themselves not only as sexually valuable, but as platonically, romantically, humourously, theoretically, philosophically. There is a sexual side, but it is clear that there is other forms of value binary trans people have when attracted to one another. It's also a more nagivateable experience for anyone looking for t4t relationships and relatable content that is aiming to not only see sex. Contrastingly, the nb4nb tags are basically only nonbinary people posting only sexual context about ourselves.

Keep in mind, non-binary people knowing their sexual value within themselves and other enben is not a bad thing. However, it becomes a problem when you seek multifaceted representation and community in nb4nb as a diamoric person or you are repulsed by constant sexual imagery and the community is just about sex. It reflects how as an enban you are sexualised and comes across as enben only valuing themselves and other enben through their sexual worth. It can feel dehumanising and potentially exclusive for enben lo. This is a learned form of exorsexism; in a world that oppresses and discriminates against you, you are desexualised but also hypersexualised. It's not a fault of the individuals, the problem will always lie with the system. Enben are allowed to express ourselves sexually, and this is very important to note. But when you are attempting to seek a multifaceted community that is meant to show the multifaceted nature of enben and our different experiences of diamoric/enbian attraction, it kind of hurts to only be sexualised and see only sex. It reminds of how there is an effort to show the nuances of binary trans life, relationships, love and humanity, but how that effort hasn't been extended to diamoric experiences.

It's not a matter of pushing out or marginalising the sexual side of our community, but bolstering the fact there is so much nuance to enben, our lives, our relationships, our love and our humanity that is outside of sex too.

[nonbinarynow]

Why is your post tagged exorsexism if it is dealing with just men, addresses men and subsumes is under men? Just because you are not misgendering us as men does not make you progressive, and certainly not more so than those who misgender us as women.

Exorsexism is non-binary specific. How can we be excluded from a term that was created to explain our oppression?

[nonbinarynow]

Something that annoys me so much is that there arent many transfem spaces. Sure there are plenty of spaces that call themselves transfem, but they mean trans women.

I dont have a space to go to which doesent instantly gender me. I want to be in community with transfems but binary trans women just forget enbens exist while still using the language of non binary acceptance.

This is what I meant in my post about the binarisation of nonbinary and intersex language. It will eventually push out those who it was made for, those who created it to be seen and heard and find community by forcing them back into binaries they do not fit and cannot fit even if they tried. I hope you are able to find a transgender community soon. You exist as a transfem and an enban, and there are others like you. You will find your community soon enough 🫂 💛🤍💜🖤

[nonbinarynow]

Could you make a post on how diamoric relationships aren't straight OR gay? 'coz I feel like they're either called straight (and therefore privileged) or are swept into being "gay enough" when really they are their own unique thing? I feel like calling nb relationships gay is just misgendering and also using binary gay people as a standard for what is queer enough to not be straight

ok, let’s start with the definitions!

a diamoric person is someone who considers being non-binary relevant to their attractions;

a diamoric relationship is one that involves at least one nonbinary person;

a diamoric orientation is one that involves being nonbinary and being attracted to specific gender(s).

that being said, here are the problems diamoric people face:

because nonbinary people aren’t so common and frequently have their gender identity invalidated, few people know they are attracted to nonbinary people.

this makes nonbinary people insecure, because they don’t know if other’s attractions are to their gender identity or if they are just associating a binary gender to their body or presentation.

when straight people are insecure about relationships, it’s because they associate stereotypes or being m-spec with “being gay”: as in, they are afraid their partner’s attraction patterns are less mainstream, usually based on stereotypes.

when nonbinary people are insecure about their relationships, they usually don’t rely on stereotypes or on the assumption people can only be attracted to one gender, they are afraid people’s attractions are more mainstream, since few people talk about being attracted to nonbinary people.

which leads to:

many nonbinary people don’t reveal their identity to their partner(s), because they are afraid of losing them or of being misgendered within the relationship.

they can also be afraid of specific forms of exorsexism, since a lot of people have different ideas of what a nonbinary person’s identity can or can’t be.

nonbinary people may also hear within their relationship(s) that their gender doesn’t matter, which can lead to stress related to misgendering or to staying in the closet.

nonbinary people don’t have safe spaces where they can explore attraction.

attraction from men to women, and from women to men, is normalized enough, so men and women approaching each other with the possibility of a relationship is seen as natural in a way other approaches aren’t.

there are exceptions to this regarding intersectionality (a fat woman approaching a thin man will be seen as ridiculous, interracial relationships aren’t accepted everywhere, etc.), but in general, especially considering people who are more privileged, straight people don’t stop and try to consider whether their interest is really attracted to their gender (which sure, it’s a social problem, but even if the person is respectful they will usually wait until the person says they are incompatible).

men who want other men and women who want other women usually approach people only on private, on spaces considered “liberal” (like, say, certain universities) or on spaces which explicitly say those people are welcome. Sure, those spaces are restricted, and many times there are cases of people who aren’t cis or white getting excluded, not to mention many neurodivergent people don’t have access or don’t feel safe on those spaces, and so on, but technically there are spaces on which people can approach people who are perceived as the same gender as them.

now, many binary trans people also don’t feel safe on those spaces, because people will be cissexist and say only their genitals matter, or they will keep their distance because someone is visibly trans, or because they say they are trans and don’t ~pass~ well enough. But, at least I know of some spaces that are welcoming of trans people.

but what about nonbinary people?

we rarely get anything outside of the internet, and I’ve never seen any space that is meant to be for nonbinary people to approach each other for dating.

and, when we seek spaces where we can try to date, no matter if they are for the general population, “LGBT” or “gay friendly”, nonbinary people are frequently expected to leave their nonbinary identities aside, or at least expected to adopt identities like “socially male” or “socially female”.

sure, aligned people exist, as well as genderfluid/genderflux people who sometimes consider themselves to be 100% binary. But saying their nonbinary identity should be pushed aside and considered irrelevant if they want to participate of dating spaces is still bad.

orientations geared towards nonbinary people are constantly invalidated

if someone who is femgender (a nonbinary person whose gender is related to femininity) is attracted to other people who consider themselves feminine nonbinary people, they might be inclined to say they are proqua (an orientation that means you are a feminine person attracted to feminine people).

but they will meet people saying that’s a ridiculous label, just because it isn’t well known; they will meet people saying it’s the same thing as lesbian, even though proqua was created by someone who didn’t feel comfortable saying they were a lesbian for being nonbinary, and even though this femgender person might not be attracted to binary women; they will say this attraction experience is fake; they will say that’s forcing the label of femininity on people, even if this proqua person is not.

if a binary person says they are attracted to “women and some nonbinary people”, that person will be accused of “fetishizing nonbinary genders”, of “not considering trans women true women”, of “only being attracted to vaginas and trying to bury that under an inclusive statement”. If that person is a man, he’ll also be accused of being a “gross hetero”; if that person is a woman, she’ll be accused of being a self-hating lesbian.

this ignores that it’s possible to see nonbinary people as their own genders, and to see binary people as their own genders, no matter their bodies or presentations.

this ignores that many nonbinary people often prefer having partners that identify as bi/ply/penulti than partners that consider their attraction to them an exception and keep identifying as someone who is only attracted to men or to women.

so, let’s sum it up. NB people:

often have no idea of what their dating pool really is because people don’t express attraction to nonbinary people often

are often insecure because people don’t know about their gender identity while dating, and may actually hate them for having their identity or not respect their identity

have few to no spaces where they can date without fear of being misgendered or asked to push their identity aside and pretend being something they are not

are discouraged from having orientation labels for themselves

have to deal with other people being discouraged from having labels that include nonbinary people

remember how diamoric means being nonbinary has a place on attraction?

so yeah, this can’t be all dismissed because “there are nonbinary people who don’t care about being considered binary regarding relationships”.

[nonbinarynow]

Could you make a post on how diamoric relationships aren't straight OR gay? 'coz I feel like they're either called straight (and therefore privileged) or are swept into being "gay enough" when really they are their own unique thing? I feel like calling nb relationships gay is just misgendering and also using binary gay people as a standard for what is queer enough to not be straight

ok, let’s start with the definitions!

a diamoric person is someone who considers being non-binary relevant to their attractions;

a diamoric relationship is one that involves at least one nonbinary person;

a diamoric orientation is one that involves being nonbinary and being attracted to specific gender(s).

that being said, here are the problems diamoric people face:

because nonbinary people aren’t so common and frequently have their gender identity invalidated, few people know they are attracted to nonbinary people.

this makes nonbinary people insecure, because they don’t know if other’s attractions are to their gender identity or if they are just associating a binary gender to their body or presentation.

when straight people are insecure about relationships, it’s because they associate stereotypes or being m-spec with “being gay”: as in, they are afraid their partner’s attraction patterns are less mainstream, usually based on stereotypes.

when nonbinary people are insecure about their relationships, they usually don’t rely on stereotypes or on the assumption people can only be attracted to one gender, they are afraid people’s attractions are more mainstream, since few people talk about being attracted to nonbinary people.

which leads to:

many nonbinary people don’t reveal their identity to their partner(s), because they are afraid of losing them or of being misgendered within the relationship.

they can also be afraid of specific forms of exorsexism, since a lot of people have different ideas of what a nonbinary person’s identity can or can’t be.

nonbinary people may also hear within their relationship(s) that their gender doesn’t matter, which can lead to stress related to misgendering or to staying in the closet.

nonbinary people don’t have safe spaces where they can explore attraction.

attraction from men to women, and from women to men, is normalized enough, so men and women approaching each other with the possibility of a relationship is seen as natural in a way other approaches aren’t.

there are exceptions to this regarding intersectionality (a fat woman approaching a thin man will be seen as ridiculous, interracial relationships aren’t accepted everywhere, etc.), but in general, especially considering people who are more privileged, straight people don’t stop and try to consider whether their interest is really attracted to their gender (which sure, it’s a social problem, but even if the person is respectful they will usually wait until the person says they are incompatible).

men who want other men and women who want other women usually approach people only on private, on spaces considered “liberal” (like, say, certain universities) or on spaces which explicitly say those people are welcome. Sure, those spaces are restricted, and many times there are cases of people who aren’t cis or white getting excluded, not to mention many neurodivergent people don’t have access or don’t feel safe on those spaces, and so on, but technically there are spaces on which people can approach people who are perceived as the same gender as them.

now, many binary trans people also don’t feel safe on those spaces, because people will be cissexist and say only their genitals matter, or they will keep their distance because someone is visibly trans, or because they say they are trans and don’t ~pass~ well enough. But, at least I know of some spaces that are welcoming of trans people.

but what about nonbinary people?

we rarely get anything outside of the internet, and I’ve never seen any space that is meant to be for nonbinary people to approach each other for dating.

and, when we seek spaces where we can try to date, no matter if they are for the general population, “LGBT” or “gay friendly”, nonbinary people are frequently expected to leave their nonbinary identities aside, or at least expected to adopt identities like “socially male” or “socially female”.

sure, aligned people exist, as well as genderfluid/genderflux people who sometimes consider themselves to be 100% binary. But saying their nonbinary identity should be pushed aside and considered irrelevant if they want to participate of dating spaces is still bad.

orientations geared towards nonbinary people are constantly invalidated

if someone who is femgender (a nonbinary person whose gender is related to femininity) is attracted to other people who consider themselves feminine nonbinary people, they might be inclined to say they are proqua (an orientation that means you are a feminine person attracted to feminine people).

but they will meet people saying that’s a ridiculous label, just because it isn’t well known; they will meet people saying it’s the same thing as lesbian, even though proqua was created by someone who didn’t feel comfortable saying they were a lesbian for being nonbinary, and even though this femgender person might not be attracted to binary women; they will say this attraction experience is fake; they will say that’s forcing the label of femininity on people, even if this proqua person is not.

if a binary person says they are attracted to “women and some nonbinary people”, that person will be accused of “fetishizing nonbinary genders”, of “not considering trans women true women”, of “only being attracted to vaginas and trying to bury that under an inclusive statement”. If that person is a man, he’ll also be accused of being a “gross hetero”; if that person is a woman, she’ll be accused of being a self-hating lesbian.

this ignores that it’s possible to see nonbinary people as their own genders, and to see binary people as their own genders, no matter their bodies or presentations.

this ignores that many nonbinary people often prefer having partners that identify as bi/ply/penulti than partners that consider their attraction to them an exception and keep identifying as someone who is only attracted to men or to women.

so, let’s sum it up. NB people:

often have no idea of what their dating pool really is because people don’t express attraction to nonbinary people often

are often insecure because people don’t know about their gender identity while dating, and may actually hate them for having their identity or not respect their identity

have few to no spaces where they can date without fear of being misgendered or asked to push their identity aside and pretend being something they are not

are discouraged from having orientation labels for themselves

have to deal with other people being discouraged from having labels that include nonbinary people

remember how diamoric means being nonbinary has a place on attraction?

so yeah, this can’t be all dismissed because “there are nonbinary people who don’t care about being considered binary regarding relationships”.

[nonbinarynow]

saying lesbians should be binary is also monogenderism

I’m assuming this is a response to this?

Yes, saying only binary women should id as lesbians erases nonbinary people who feel a connection to being women and lesbians, and this includes (but is not exclusive to) people with more than one gender that have woman or woman-adjacent genders.

However, nonbinary people:

should also be able to have their own labels, even if they are feminine/masculine/binary-adjacent in general;

should also be allowed to be uncomfortable with labels that were coined with binary people in mind, and/or that are mostly used by binary people;

shouldn’t have to always say “but it’s ok if you are in the same situation and want to use other labels instead” when coining their own labels/voicing their discomfort with existing labels.

Just like people accept that nonbinary people can have connections with binary genders and identify as lesbians/sapphic/achillean/etc., people should accept that nonbinary people can have connections with binary genders and not feel comfortable identifying as lesbians/sapphic/achillean/etc., and that the reason for that may be simply because they are not binary.

[nonbinarynow]

I do think it's funny that people will insist that saying transmen or transwomen without a space in the middle inherently makes you a crypto TERF when most of the people I see writing it that way are also trans, and moreover, it's a direct literal result of the words transfem and transmasc now being almost exclusively used as synonyms for trans women and trans men. You don't put spaces in those, so no shit the people who read those words a lot and type those words a lot are going to start leaving out the space in the other ones too. That's how language and brains work.

If you don't want people spelling trans men and trans women without spaces, then instead of using transmasc and transfem as direct synonyms, actually say what you mean. Lol. We all know you are almost all exclusively referring to binary trans men and binary trans women and the non-binary people you are misgendering into those categories. If you don't want transmen and transwomen to be spelled without spaces as the natural evolution of our language which you are directly contributing to, and is not inherently a bad thing, but you think it is a bad thing, then stop using transmasc and transfem as direct synonyms for that. These two things are 100% related.

But that won't happen, because these ~totally not reinventing the gender binary again~ terms just let the binary trans people sort non-binary people into the gender binary again, and claim it's progressive this time, and they are ~totally~ including non-binary people in the conversation when they refer to the entire trans community as transfems and transmascs so they're not going to stop doing that anytime soon.

like people. This is just how language works. You are training people's brains to see these as one word that does not need a space.

But you'd all rather die than actually include non-binary people in the conversation so whatever, stay mad over the problems you are literally creating for yourself.

Language evolves over time. That's just what is happening here because of the choices you are all making. It's not inherently a bad thing, you don't have to be mad about it. But if you are mad about it, you can just. Stop using spaceless synonyms for what you actually mean in an attempt to seem progressive while excluding and misgendering non-binary people as usual.

Trans men. Trans women. Nonbinary people. It's not difficult If you're not a raging exorexist

And if you can't be asked to just say that, then you don't get to complain when language evolves in the most obvious way possible. It is literally the path of least resistance and you are all paving the way by refusing to just say the word nonbinary.

[nonbinarynow]

saying lesbians should be binary is also monogenderism

I’m assuming this is a response to this?

Yes, saying only binary women should id as lesbians erases nonbinary people who feel a connection to being women and lesbians, and this includes (but is not exclusive to) people with more than one gender that have woman or woman-adjacent genders.

However, nonbinary people:

should also be able to have their own labels, even if they are feminine/masculine/binary-adjacent in general;

should also be allowed to be uncomfortable with labels that were coined with binary people in mind, and/or that are mostly used by binary people;

shouldn’t have to always say “but it’s ok if you are in the same situation and want to use other labels instead” when coining their own labels/voicing their discomfort with existing labels.

Just like people accept that nonbinary people can have connections with binary genders and identify as lesbians/sapphic/achillean/etc., people should accept that nonbinary people can have connections with binary genders and not feel comfortable identifying as lesbians/sapphic/achillean/etc., and that the reason for that may be simply because they are not binary.

[nonbinarynow]

I think people who get upset about xenogenders are missing the point. Xenogenders read to me as a satire of gender, operating on multiple levels. The first joke, the only one that people skeptical of the concept pick up on, is that xenogenders are ridiculous. The second joke is that the things that make xenogenders - preferences, aesthetics, activities - are the exact same things that make man and woman. Xenogenders are just as valid as the traditional genders, which is to say, not at all. 

People with xenogenders are ridiculously cool. They are loudly asserting that gender is arbitrary nonsense, so if you have an arbitrary nonsense hole in the brain, you can fill it with ANYTHING. You COULD pick the fashion-and-childcare gender or the vehicles-and-manual-labor gender if you WANT. . . . but the hole is just as easily filled by something unique to you.

Nothing has meaning, so anything can have meaning. It's the metamodernism of gender.

[nonbinarynow]

Gender creativity and gender creatives will never not be beautiful in my opinion. I feel that xenogenderism, systems such as the galactic alignment system and the creation of new ways for enben to describe ourselves both in and out of relation to the binary is the forefront of queer gender abolitionism and individual binary deconstruction. It's wonderful to see that we are taking metaphors for gender, just like binary people, but we are running wild with them. It's queering gender, it's removing the seriousness of it, it's wholly enbiness. It's fully binary nonconforming. That is what being gender queer is all about.

[nonbinarynow]

people saying that that having “too many labels” means your gender is fake… like why are you deciding how many is too many and why do you get to tell me if they’re fake or not?? gender is a social construct so if i wanna be 30 types of skateboard i can do whatever i damn please

this is exorsexism.

[nonbinarynow]

[nonbinarynow]

When gender or sex is made a binary, in any instance, whether it is male/female , man/woman, amab/afab, transmasc/transfem, whatever, it will always end up as a dichotomy. The separation into society into to factors will always result in bipartisanship: there is a a good, so there must be a bad. There is a black dark, so there must be a white light. There is a woman so there must be a man. There is a better so there must be a worse.

Whilst erasing the existence of morally grey, the light between shadows, the infinity of genders and sexual variations and the fact that there is nuance and equality, it closes people's minds to assume that there is automatically a rivalry between the two factions. There is the automatic assumption of an impossibility of understanding, of the impossibility of marrying the two "opposite" factions. Anyone who shows it's possible must go. There will always be discourse and violence and threats and sexism because there will always be a binary that subconsciously encourages people to think this way. Traits stop being universal and start being one or the other, where it can be classed as "better" or "worse" despite the fact they are equal on all humans.

As long as there is a binary, there will be gender wars, infighting, discourse, oppression. There will be a dichotomy. There will be exorsexism and intersexism. There will not be liberation of we are not all liberated from the binary that divides the world.

[nonbinarynow]

I made a post about this! Internalised exorsexism can lead to one seeing themselves and their own community as only being valuable through sexual commodification, leaning into fetishisation of their community. I can tag you in it if you wish 😊

The fetishisation of the nonbinary community is seen when #nblnb and #nb4nb tags are filled with just sex, whilst the more binary associated #t4t is filled with romance, friendship, alliance, art, sex, humour and life. One feels humanising, and the other feels... bad.