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[nonlethal2]

04/24/24

Well, last night on Instagram, I unfollowed/unfriended Kerr. After I did it, it felt like heartbreak all over again. Looking back, I don't know why it hurt so much being that he was still the same jerk he has become. Plus, why should I give access to a person who just tries to tear me down. I don't view him as a friend. I don't think he knows the meaning of being someone's friend. This all started when he I didn't know tracked me down on Instagram. He is and will always be blocked on Facebook.  He sent me a friend request, which I ignored. He took the request back. He sent another one, which I don't know why but accepted. Then, on Messenger on Instagram, he was back playing games like changing the theme to Willy Wonka and sending emojis. I didn't change it or acknowledge it. Then this was around the time Dave was in the hospital dealing with his foot and infection.  Kerr changed the theme to Winter Wonder Land. It has snow and a snowman on the background, which I thought was adoreable. I sent a heart emoji. Then Allan told me he was suspended  at work.  Here, he refused to take a drug test, and if you refuse, they could fire you. So I messaged him to ask him why he didn't test. Of course, he couldn't just tell me. I was worried at first that the reason he didn't test was that he was taking steroids or he was sick and taking some medication he didn't want people to know about. All he said basically was that he was suspended until he decided if he could have his job back or if he was fired. He then told me that with him being suspended, he was getting paid to go to the gym. Plus, he had enough money that he didn't need to worry.

I finally got it out of him that the reason he didn't test was because he wasn't able to sleep and he went to the doctor who wouldn't do anything for him so he decided to smoke. That's why he didn't test and told management the reason. However management instead of firing him, gave him the opportunity to resign from what he said so if a new employer called them to get his work history they wouldn't be able to say the reason for him being fired.

So he went to work at Asda distribution center, which I told him he wouldn't be able to do because of how physically demanding it was. He did quit there and got another security guard job in some refuge hotel. Seemed pretty sketch to me.

Anyway, he started sending me memes, which felt like he was making fun of me. For the most part, I would ignore it or send memes to try and get under his skin. Then we started this back and forth of what a man is.

He sent me this meme that said this sandwich causes brain cancer. That I don't need to worry since I don't have a brain. I replied back great that you are safe. Now you can leave me alone. He said boo hoo. That my life would be empty without him. I told him no it wouldn't that I have friends with a lot in common. I told him to go harass his son, future daughter in law, his brother, Susie. He replied back triggered? I will do that.

Than he said Before I go

Another definition of a man is someone who doesn't raise there hands and hit a female

Another one is when your wife is getting fucked by Another man u do something about it

Bye.

U will be in touch again

Like I said.u can't be without me.

I said back Not triggered. I don't need to waste time and energy on someone who always thinks he is right. Wants to hurt people. Yeah, and a definition of a man is to be there for someone in their time of need. To help them not continue to put them down and make them feel worthless. Not to play games by making comments on post. One minute blocking them, and the next sending friend request

I won't be in touch. You're the one who contacts me when no one else wants to bother with you. Just like you sending emails randomly.

Now this morning I go on Instagram and he has already sent me a friend request.  Are you serious??? I am suprised that he even noticed that I unfollowed him with all his gym following. 

[nonlethal2]

August 4th 2023

I still can't believe but kind of can that in this day and age you open up, tell someone how you are feeling. What you want, and they say nothing back. Which drives me crazy. It's like you want to know what is going on inside their head. What they are feeling but they won't show you their hand. I feel like an idiot sometimes being so open and letting people in. Only to find out that they don't care, and yet I still let them hurt me.

[nonlethal2]

July 9th 2023

I finally completed the end of Allan Kerr. After the email exchange back in April of me asking him why he was randomly contacting me and him not answering. I sent him an email telling him to block my email just like he done on all social media sites. Apparently on Facebook he didn't block me. He just hid or whatever the messenger chats. I could still see his profile picture which means that I was not blocked. About two weeks ago I went to look something up on Facebook. On the drop down it showed people's names and I noticed his profile picture changed. I clicked on it.

Immediately I knew the artist was Gustav Klimt. The picture was the woman with the fan. It was Klimt finally art work since it was found on his easel in his studio when he died. Anyone who knows me knows that Klimt is one of my favorite artist. I love the kiss. I have posted his pictures of his artwork that I took when I went to M.O.M.A. now this guy changes his profile picture to his artwork. I don't know why but I started crying. When I looked up the artwork I seen articles that it just sold at an auction and is one of the highest pieces of art. So that could be a reason for him posting it. Another could be he likes it or lastly trying to push my buttons. I figured that by me not blocking him, I was allowing him to continue with his games. I figured that I needed to cut the ties and start moving on because if I didn't I was just allowing him to continue to hurt me.  I blocked him on Facebook.  Now he won't be able to see my profile. If he has our chat it will say I'm not available.  I'm not going to lie. It wasn't easy but in the end it needed to be done. Too many times I opened up to him and he still wouldn't to me or tell me why he was contacting me. Like I said, I don't need him hurting me anymore. Now if he does contact me by email. It would be just ignoring him. I do find it funny. There were two comments on his profile picture. A guy said that Gustav Klimt was too high brow for him. To which he replied how rude. Seems like someone knows him pretty well.

[nonlethal2]

06/30/2023

He still knows how to get to me. I was on Facebook and I went to search someone when Kerr's name came up from the list but it wasn't his usual profile picture. Here he updated it a day ago at 3:22am. He just happened to update it to one of my favorite artist Gustav Klimt the piece is called Lady with the fan. I didn't know the name of the piece but I knew based off the art work who the artist was. Apparently it was the last piece Klimt did when he died. It was found on his easel in the studio where he died. I seen there was 2 comments on his profile picture one was a guy from where he lives saying that Klimt was a little high brow for him to which he replied he was rude.

He could have posted the picture because it's up for auction and was sold at the highest price.

For some reason I broke down crying. Thinking God I hate him. So I don't know what to make of it. Probably shouldn't think anything about it. Just meaningless.  The last email that I wrote him. I said the only thing we had in common was music but we even used that against each other.  I wonder if this is way of reminding me about how we had art in common as well.  Why though that artist out of all of the artist out there.

I miss John who I could talk to about this and him keep it real with me.

[nonlethal2]

04/26/2023

I want you to do the same thing that you have done on all social media sites with my username and email address which is block it. I don't need you contacting me sending me a link from Facebook or whatever else. Just to try and push my buttons yet you can't answer a question.

I have many regrets in my life but one of them would be talking to you, opening up and confiding in you.  I thought you were someone different but I was wrong. Only to let you continue to hurt me. Yes, I know what happened was not right. It shouldn't have happened but it did and I felt a connection to you and I tried a number of times to push you away.  I have apologized for it and tried to move on and be friends.  However, you couldn't and as you said you would never tell me anything personal again. Fine I understand that so that's when you move on and don't contact me since you can't be a friend. Yes, there were times I wanted to contact you but didn't since trying to move on. 

My best friend died at the end of January this year almost one year of him being diagnosed with lung cancer.  The last thing he told me was "do and go whatever and wherever makes you happy same as being with someone that makes you happy. " He was just 58 years old and it made me realize how short life can be. 

I don't want to fight with you,  I don't want to tear each other apart and go there again. I don't want the negativity. You might consider that banter but I have had banter with other people and it was never negative. You are who you are and I am just me with my issues.  The only thing we had in common was music but we even used that against each other.

The attachment says it all. 

Sent from my Verizon, Samsung Galaxy smartphone

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[nonlethal2]

October 22, 2022

It's been awhile. Feeling a bit depressed. Maybe because not much has changed in my relationship. I bring up that he doesn't want to marry me and he says that's not true. If it wasn't true than you would have done it already. He isn't serious about his health which means his issue will not get fixed. It's to the point that I kind of just want to end it. I just know that's how it's going to be. He is nothing more than a free loader. He isn't saving money for Scotland and doesn't seem interested in getting his passport.

It's funny how you have people messaging you and then they act like they are too good for you. Seems like people who are suppose to be your friend just use you until they get what they want.

[nonlethal2]

06/26/22

People just live life full of drama and petty. No one enjoys laughing or being funny. This was a line that I said during a conversation.  After saying it and thinking about it I realized how I wasn't doing it.  Point and case what happened between me and Allan Kerr. We started out being able to talk about anything and everything. We shared stories, music, and he was into memes. We would get in constant fights. Reason being I was trying to push him away. I didn't want to hurt him or get hurt myself.  Obviously the truth came out and it happened. He got hurt and so did I. It seemed like we were constantly fighting or trying to hurt each other.

After saying the comment I realized, I didn't want to fight with him anymore.  I was tired of it. So I sent him a message saying If you want to try to be friends again. I am willing to put the past behind us and try. I sent that on Thursday. It was showing sent but not seen. It was like that until today Sunday. I wasn't sure if he blocked me after our previous exchange.  I was tempted to remove the message but I decided not to. I would leave it. If he ignored it fine. If he commented on it fine. It's his decision but I put it out there.

His response back was sending me a song by Queen called Love of my life.  I listened to it and was reading the lyrics as it played. I started crying.  He has the ability to make me cry like no one else.  It was a beautiful song but it was also sad. I realized how much I have hurt him. I feel very badly for that.

He has the great ability to express himself or how he is feeling with music which is something that I can relate to.  I didn't say anything back. Honestly I don't know what to say. I am using what I am learning from therapy which is not to be too quick to respond back without giving what was said some thought. As well as not reading into it too much.

[nonlethal2]

06/18/22

It seems whenever I have a 3 or 4 day weekend something always happens or goes wrong. Yesterday went and picked Kaleb up. He was acting up at the restaurant.  Took all this food. Didn't eat it and saying he was full. Than had the nerve to ask for fruit. I told him he wasn't getting any. He was also carrying on about his tablet. Of course I had to be the bad guy. Dave was upset. I asked him what was wrong and he said he wanted to have a good weekend. So you want me to ignore him acting up??!? I asked him if he wanted me to take him back to Danville? He said did I say that? Some other things were said. I honestly don't remember but he said we were over and to take him back to Danville because I think he is not good enough for me and neither is Kaleb.  I told him that I never said anything like that. We came home. He put Kaleb to bed. We had a talk.

We have a lot of issues which I know. He has his own personal issues from what happened to him and I have my own as well. Our own issues affect us. Sometimes what we are dealing with personal affects our relationship. He talks but the only thing he talks about somewhat openly is work. I use to tell him everything and anything. However, I haven't been. I am like why bother?  I seen where I told him something when I brought it back up later he sometimes wouldn't remember it or what I was talking about. He had a panic attack last night. I hate when he gets them because there is nothing that I can do for him.

I also got upset but I am kind of proud of myself. Dave and I were in the living room getting ready. Kaleb and the dogs were outside. All the sudden we hear one of dogs growl. I thought it was zoe. That he did something and she was warning him. We called Kaleb in and asked him what happened.  He didn't want to tell us because he knew he would get in trouble. He finally told us that he tried to ride Dresden. I told him he can't do that to any of the dogs. I checked Dresden out and seems to be okay.

I got this guy from fet talking to me. He is married but looking for something on a discreet level.  He said he was in an asexual relationship. I had to look that up. It basically is a relationship where the person doesn't want sex.  He said his wife had breaat and after that she didn't want sex and when they try it would be too painful. This guy was nice to have a conversation with in the beginning but I see he wants to be pegged. He doesn't want to tell his wife. He sent his picture and I haven't. His profile says switch yet I feel he is more dominant. I think about Kim Kardashian West. How unhappy she was in her relationship with Kayne. She realized the impact it was having on her. She decided to end it. Now she is a new relationship and is really happy.

[nonlethal2]

06/13/22

What is asexuality? Asexuality is a spectrum. Here are a few terms to know: Somebody who is asexual does not experience sexual attraction to anyone. A grey-asexual (grey ace/grey-a) person may experience sexual attraction very rarely or only under specific circumstances.

When you said "he looked confused", it made me think of the many many discussions we've had here. I think for someone who no longer has the drive it is hard to recognize what is missing, hence their confusion. I'm realizing as I age there are more and more grey areas.

[nonlethal2]

06/17/22 Head Over Feet

I was listening to Alanis Morissette's song Head over feet today. One of the lines in the song is "you already won me over inspite of me and don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet, and don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are. "

It clicked and I immediately started thinking how rare it must be to find that one person who accepts you for who you really are and for all that you are.  Accepts the way you look, accepts your faults. Doesn't criticize you but just accepts you. Listens to you and is there for you no matter what. I feel those are two major things people seek out in life. Love and acceptance. I am sure many people rarely get to have both at the same time in life. Yes most of the time it can be one or the other. However both of those things should go hand in hand. I feel like in order to love someone you need to accpet yourself. If you can't accept yourself then you can't expect other people to accept you. If you don't love yourself than how can you love someone else? We all have things we don't accept of ourselves or do not acknowledge.  We just rather push it down and not even acknowledge it. We are too busy just trying to survive this thing called life. It's all about possessions, work, family. People rather not deal with there issue's. However it's getting late in life that you realize avoiding these issues only break you down and start taking a toll on you. You need to face them head on. If not you just end up unloved which is one of the worst things to have to feel in life. As Alanis said it would be a surprise for us if we found that person who loves us for all that we are.

[nonlethal2]

06/16/22 No expectations, yeah right.

I was thinking last night. Past couple days Dave has been telling me he was calling people out for not doing there job. He got into it yesterday with this guy who set a bay wrong. He said he got mad and the boss and him were asking him what happened. The guy was trying to convince them it was right but finally admitted it was wrong. I was wondering why can he be so confident at work but not in his personal life?

So as I am taking him to work this morning I asked him. He tells me because people have expectations at work to do there job. I said yes but if you have expectations about doing your job and showing up that you should have expectations in a relationship? He said he doesn't have them. That blew my mind. I said well I have expectations which I told you from day one of wanting to get married, have a kid, have sex. It's like what did you think those things were???

I said you expect me to be there for you, help you out, love you. Go get your kid every other week. He said well I know you love me. I should have said well don't you expect me not to cheat but I didn't think about it.

He got upset and smoking than starting to show signs of a panic attack. He said he was going to be in work thinking that I am mad at him but truthful I am disappointed and upset more than anything else.

[nonlethal2]

05/19/22 Life

I never expected to find a friend online especially a site that dealt with taboo things. John just happened to come into my life very randomly and he was local. We had a lot of things in common and our dad's seemed to have the exact same personality which we could relate with things and how we were raised. We both shared what was going on in our lives and gave each other advice especially if we didn't want to hear it. I definitely didn't want to hear it but he was right. I knew if I needed anything he would be there for me and vice-versa.

Unfortunately he is now battling lung cancer. It's not looking good for him. I have to be the optimistic person. Anyone who really knows me, knows I am never optimistic. In fact I am nothing but pessimistic. I am trying to be positive.  Telling him to fight it as well as start doing things in his life. Enjoying it. Basically living it to the fullest and maybe travel. He messaged me today saying he has been thinking. He basically killed himself by not stopping smoking. He knew that by smoking he could end up with cancer but he did it anyway. He went on to say that he wasted his life worrying about stupid stuff such as saving for the future. His advice was to go wherever and do whatever I want. As well as make sure I am with someone that I love. That last part about being with someone I loved has me thinking. Obviously questioning if the person I am with is someone who I really want to spend the rest of my life with. I honestly can't imagine what he is going through. I probably would be so upset and resentful. Being with him on this journey I am starting to realize that we all take life for granted most of the time. However, we don't realize it until it is almost over. He basically is looking back now and having regrets about the decisions he made but as I told him he still could have ended up with cancer even if he didn't smoke. He needs to focus on the here and now. He needs to focus on him fighting the cancer. I deal with death seven days a week, over forty hours. You think that I would be prepared for this, have it be like second nature and be able to say the right things. It's just different when it's someone you know. Not just another contract number.

He is a great guy and he would do anything for anyone. Why does it happen to such good people.I am now evaluating my life and my decisions. I know when I was younger I use to say that I have no regrets. As Frank Sinatra sang I did it my way. Yes, I did it my way at the time but obviously looking back it probably wasn't the right or best way to handle a lot of things. As I said I can't change the past but I need to think before reacting and think over my decisions. I need to change and not just for me but also for John. I know he wants the best for me and I owe him that at least especially for what he has done for me.

[nonlethal2]

04/25/22

"A man only dies if he is forgotten"- Chris Cornell. I am realizing that quote is definitely true. I have been listening to a lot of music lately and if you look at Curt Kobain the song you know you are right. Kobain says he is in pain. A song written right before his death. Curt was such a great writer which he transformed his pain into the most notable music ever. Amy Winehouse is another point and case with her song back to black. She talks about her relationship and how the guy is with her yet goes back to his original girlfriend. How she is left to deal with it. She also has a song called Rehab which her dad wanted her to go to rehab but she didn't want to. Chris Cornell did some of the most amazing covers such as nothing compares to you, Thank you, and p

Patience. His take on those songs were beautiful. He also covered John Lennon's Imagine which he felt like he could related to this song because of his childhood and what he experienced. Yes these artists did drugs, however they were using the drugs to self medicate themselves. There music is still current and relatable to this day. Even though they are not physically here anymore their music will live on for future generations. Yes, depending on your own issues these songs are relatable but you don't need to end your life. There are ways to deal with any issues that you are going through..

"Focus on the pain the only thing that's real"-Trent Reznor

[nonlethal2]

4/17/22

The tide is calling out for changes

Oh, what an ocean of time that we wasted. I had to pay for all of your bad behavior

But expensive lessons are always the best to know.I put the pieces back together

So thank you or whatever.

Nothing lasts forever, I guess so.

We could've tried a bit harder,

I could've practiced more patience.

Neither one of us is wrong

Neither one of us is right

I never fully had faith in you. You see

'Cause I always knew you'd fall out of love with me. Which you proved me right. Even though you told me over and over that you wouldn't.

So why should I change? If love always ends this way. You couldn't put your past behind you. You couldn't get that shit past me.

[nonlethal2]

04/24/22

Someone once told me that life has been one wild ride and the best ride they ever had with me. Unfortunately all rides come to an end. Looking back on that particular time in my life yes it was definitely a ride. It was full of twist and turns, highs and lows. Suspense and drama. It started out as a great ride, I looked forward to what was to come each day. The unknown didn't matter. It was thrilling and I was loving it. As long as we were together we seemed invincible. I was definitely on cloud 9. However, when you least expect it the ride goes off the rails. What you thought you knew, wasn't what it seemed to be. The ride was nothing but a big hype with no staying power.

The truth came out, you weren't there for me. You praised me for saving you however, when the tables turned and I needed saving you got off the ride. I was left to continue this ride solo. Once you take the ride and have time to reflect on it. You realize the person had their own issues they didn't want to handle. They wanted to control you, told you whatever you wanted to hear. They put their own issue's on you. This ride was suppose to be ride or die. I was willing at that time to ride it until I died. I was committed to it fully. He wasn't fully committed or ride or die. I must say because of experiencing that ride, I am lucky it ended because it probably would have killed me. The ride wasn't worth dying for him since he had his own motives. If I had to do over again, I would skip this ride. I did learn some things from experiencing that ride. I know the signs to look for, not to just jump on the ride without taking it slow. The ride might be too good to be true which usually is the case. Even if the ride has a safety belt or latch you can still walk away getting hurt. Just be cautious. Think before you jump if this ride is a must ride or is there a better ride just ahead.

[nonlethal2]

I was laying in bed and I was thinking. If something happened to both my parents things would be really ackward between me and my brothers. We don't have anything to do with each other since my mom and I had our falling out. As far as Timothy and I go. He doesn't exist to me. He made his decision and the day he did that he was dead to me. He only has himself to blame.

I then was thinking about my mother. She has been telling me a lot lately that I am just like her, she won't have to worry about me because I am a survivor. Yes I am surviving but at what cost. Having severe depression which is in and of itself not fun. My grandmother Nelly was right when she said that I am just like my mother. I have issues however my mother is more cutthroat than me. I am stupid and believe what people tell me. I take them back no matter what has happened. My mother on the other hand wouldn't. I have seen her cut people out and them die and that's it.

You think if Dave cared about me after I went off on CVS he would have comforted me. Instead of yelling down the steps to see what was going on. This is a fact and I am sticking to it. I am not paying for his trip to Scotland. I did that with Hill and I won't do that again. I have paid for too much with Dave and the promise of him paying me back which never happened with his laptop and his cell phone bill. I paid for his birth certificate. I will not pay for his passport or anything else. He wants to go well get your money. This bank is closed.

[nonlethal2]

06/12/22

I just flipped shit with the CVS caremark person. I am tired of this company making me do there job. The website sucks. They say they try and contact me doctor for preauthorization but are they really or are they just saying that so they than tell me to contact his office. When I do contact them and finally get the doctors office to submit it. I contact cvs and they say no that I need to contact me doctors office. This phone representative tells me it was approved yesterday but it gets stuck in the system. What do you mean it gets stuck in the system?!? Why doesn't your online site reflect what is truly going on?!?!?

I have had enough with these companies.

I was bored. Went on chat. I don't know why I even bother. It's mostly 19 to 35 year old guys wanting fun. I think that is so stupid to go looking for that on there. Been there done that and such a waste of time. I got this guy who was 52. Of course he is married and on there looking for fun. What happen to just talking and communicating without wanting anything.

I watched the third ghost busters movie. I thought it was awesome and it made me cry. The kid in the movie called pod cast. The things he was saying and his actions reminded me of Hill. That's one of the many things that I liked about him. His smile, his expressions. Just the stuff he would say to get a laugh out of you. He had a good sense of humor. We were connected in a lot of things. We can just have a conversation and be on the same page.  The conversations with Hill were natural. I didn't need to think about it. I could tell him pretty much anything except how I was feeling.

I been thinking about things. Hill one time said he missed me because of our conversation and how I was there to listen and give advice and that he wished we could be friends. With every thing that went down at this point I would have to say no. Too much went down between us. Things would really have to be discussed as to what went down and why things happened. I get that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. However you left me your dog. You got your life together and paid off your bills. However did you ever stop and send me money to take care of your responsibility no. You told me if I couldn't take care of him to find him a good home. Sorry but you should have done that. Not me. Yes it is the past. I need to move on. Yet me watching that movie was a trigger. I need to let go