nonsmokingspace

[nonsmokingspace]

That type of sadness, the one of a kind, which feels so painful that you can't even stop the tears run down your cheeks while brushing teeth. The one you really want to fight and deny the feeling, like maybe you're being dramatic, or hormonal, or overthinking it too much, but anyway it hurts. The one that you wish you'll be okay with, that you're supposed to be not sad about it.

But yeah, your heart breaks. And you're sad.

[nonsmokingspace]

was me trying to make peace 2024

he is indeed valueable. he is cool af. tapi, tapi jangan lupa. kamu juga valuable. you deserve someone like him, but also remember u deserve to get amount of love as much as the love you gave. aku gamau krn kamu sibuk valuing dia, kamu kehilangan diri sendiri dg lupa valuing diri kamu sendiri. bukan, bukan kamu gaboleh make a move. bukan gaboleh berusaha. tapi usaha kamu ada batesnya, jangan sampe usaha kamu itu merenggut rasa berharga atas diri kamu. jangan sampe ketertarikan kamu bikin kamu ngerasa worthless. semua ke-greenflag an dia bukan lagi greenflag kalo bikin kamu ngerasa worthless dan ga pantes.

dia yang sesuai standar kamu, yang bisa ditemukan mungkin 1001 tahun sekali. tapi kalo itu bukan buat kamu, ngga ada gunanya. karena tujuan kamu set that standards adalah outcome yang baik buat diri kamu. kalo outcomenya ga sampe.. you know what i mean?

[nonsmokingspace]

old notes 2024 back then

you keep holding on to the idea of him be your partner. kamu suka value yang dia pegang, visi kalian selaras, kamu suka how he handle things, its indeed enough to fall for him to keep holding on to him. he is perfect. perfect as him. not as ur partner. dia ga sempurna untuk versi dirimu yang sekarang, yang masih merangkak nyari kewarasan, yang belum kuat berdiri di kaki sendiri, dan kalo tetep kamu pertahanin gatau kapan kesempurnaan dia bakal sempurna buat kamu. karena kamu ga akan bisa beranjak kemana mana dengan perasaan bodoh dan ga penting itu. let go of ur expectations.

[nonsmokingspace]

you will get over it on a random day

[nonsmokingspace]

nah, you can't change someone by loving them harder

[nonsmokingspace]

i replace u with peace not people. and that defines me as a person

[nonsmokingspace]

i am learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from the things that aren't meant for me

[nonsmokingspace]

how to know if someone is worth fighting for: someone who does not disturb your inner peace.

someone whom you feel secure with when ure at your best and worst state, who is willing to understand and not judge whatever state ure at atm,someone who's healing instead of triggering back your wound.

again and again i was left bcs of my weakness - in fact sometimes im afraid to disclose them. but YOUR WEAKNESS IS THE FILTER. we dont have that much energy to spend to all things in life, we need to choose and thank God we have those weaknesses.

cr : irene bougenville on instagram

[nonsmokingspace]

no matter how cool, how ideal this person is on your eyes, no matter how perfect this person seems to be on your life, this person wont always be the right person for you. the right person is they are who can meet your needs. the right person will lead you to the best version of yourself. your needs is your needs, no matter how small it is, no matter how stupid, no matter how random, it is your needs that need to be fulfilled.

[nonsmokingspace]

this sensitiveness sometimes look so ugly my heart full of hatred towards myself. tho in other day i see pity in me, to felt this hurtfull for something shallow and stupid as fallin for you this instant. but most of the day i see beauty in me and working for it. beautiful me feeling so grateful to get a chance to feel and learn from you. to not judge, to admit unwise actions i did, to understand, to find and improve my lack of abilities, to let go, to appreciate, and to keep going. no matter how hurt my heart ache on a moment like this. i will keep going and move on.

[nonsmokingspace]

they dont always make closure sound out loud,and i may not agree but it is what it is.

[nonsmokingspace]

at this point, i realize even if u choose me i still won't be happy

what i am craving for is not the way you make me feel but how i am feeling about you

it is so amazing to look at someone and all you can feel is just warmth

to look at someone's flaws but all u can see is just a beauty

when someone did you wrong all you can feel is forgiveness and understanding

i am so loving, and that part of me is so addictive

that love

now i believe i can start giving it to myself.

[nonsmokingspace]

my bestie said oh so you have not find your soulmate then. you find someone you thought matches ur soul before like he is the one but you still be able to keep going and find another one.

if soulmate was something like that i wish i wont never meet him. i find what i need in person. i find myself improving better than when im alone with myself in an existence of a person. someone's smile put me in peace. is my soulmate. and i wish i never put that title on a person, but qualifications.

the fact that i am be able to fall for someone else after a heartbreak is such a reliefe that i succeed it. i do not wish to say if its not him then i noone.

if he is not meant for me. i will meet another beautiful soul, like what happened before. a human won't be able to be a home cuz they are dynamic creature. so standards as a home. i will find my home anytime anywhere something be able to do it. i will always find my home.

[nonsmokingspace]

i was watching lee mujin live service with my lovely genie. it's been years since i saw him in real time—there is only old memories i can look foward when i miss him– and seeing him with a different vibes kinda tickling.

its not like jin before? he seems distance, doesnt feel as free as before, and onguard. he is not with the member, someone hes been close to but work partner so maybe thats why.

but when i realize what i am thinking i another question popping up. why do the idea of him changing sounds so dissapointing? we always expect someone to always be the same no matter what it is. when old friend changes, bf/gf, liek we hold on to an image and believing it will stay like this forever. even an soul less object changes.

to accepting that human is dynamic creature is hard. to believe that they won't never be the same every second of time passed. imagining his life on the military, what he is been thru when he is away from his routine, addapting and following where the world leads him, feels so cruel that someone asked him to be still. to expect someone to stay soft when the world being hard on him, to stay hard when the world trying to be soft on him is nonsense. especially to the people i only know thru screen. why does it feel so easy to build conclution.

me as army at with genie 2020 with 2024 are two different people in the same name, from fallin love to fallout love but we made it till today.

No one really knows anyone. That’s the thing about relationships - people are always saying, “I want to know you, I want to know who you are.” But it is so hard for anyone to even know themselves. Who I am is always changing, so how can anyone else share in that?

-Before Sunrise & Before Sunset Two Screenplays

[nonsmokingspace]

belakangan ini baru sadar, kalo tiap bengong dikit pasti saya otomatis ambil hp. entah buat chat, telepon, atau cari dopamin instan di media sosial. kurang lebih udah dua tahun lebih. dan ga sadar. which is damaging, karena saya sampai asing dengan diri sendiri. ketika sendirian, malah bingung dan panik dan takut dan sedih. padahal, harusnya kita paling bahagia ketika kita berdua dengan diri kita sendiri yang sudah berjuang bersama kita dari sebelum kita lahir, melewati hari-hari yang kita kira tidak mampu dilewati.

pelan-pelan, sekarang saya sedang membiasakan setiap "kosong" diisi dengan zikir, sampai terinspirasi mau ngapain. saya berusaha lebih mindful dengan apa yang akan saya lakukan dan kenapa melakukannya, karena sejauh ini mode autopilot lebih banyak merugikan saya ketimbang menguntungkan.

apakah mudah? tentu tidak. apalagi, dibarengi dengan berbagai masalah dan gangguan lain yang rasanya masih sulit untuk dibagi dengan orang lain. mungkin semua usaha ini akan worth it, mungkin enggak. either way, yang penting gaada penyesalan karena sekarang sudah berusaha mencoba. yuk bisa yuk 2025 sehat mental.

[nonsmokingspace]

i name it 'face it' for something that gave me butterfly sounds so ironic

[nonsmokingspace]

namjoon is love 💜 happy birthday joonie! thank you for constantly filling our lives with love and giving us reasons to love ourselves. I love you more than love.