noodlestix-blog

[noodlestix-blog]

10 things about motherhood I learned the hard way

You trade your Burberry eau de toilette in for La Bebe Vome odour de toilet. You spend the first 5 years getting shat on, puked on, snotted on and pee’d on. The little fuckers will leak bodily fluids on you that you never knew existed. And they are never completely empty. 

You never have enough money. 

Your bed becomes the new local sewage plant. At first it’s gross but after a while, you just put a towel over it and deal with it in the morning. Fuck it. Sleep is rare.

Sleep is rare. If you care about your kids' emotional wellbeing. When you start to worry about their physical wellbeing due to your compromised emotional wellbeing from sleep deprivation.....tell them the boogy man lurks in the passage and if they come to your room or wake you for anything other than a fire, it will get them. ‘Else, put KY on their door handles and M&M’s on their floor. That should keep them entertained for a while, and fuck knows you won’t be needing the KY for anything else. Little cockblocks.

You never have enough money

The little fuckers wait until you’re in a peak time grocery store line to ask THE MOST INAPPROPRIATE questions. Loudly. And if you ignore them, they break sound records. My personal favourites are “mommy, if boys have penises then what do girls have?” and; “where does that person find panties to fit her fat bum?!”.

You never have enough money

You will hate your husband at some point. He will never do enough. And when he does do enough, he will do it wrong. The poor guy. It’s nothing personal. You set unreasonable expectations for yourself. You want it all and try to do it all. Asking for help is a sign of weakness. All your kid's friends parents look like they have their shit together so WTF is wrong with you???? They don’t. They are as “FINE” as you are. Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic & Emotional. How are you doing today? - FINE. Have that glass of wine (or 6), in your puke stained yoga pants and dirty hair. Anyone who judges doesn’t have kids. 

You never have enough money. Are you picking up what I’m putting down??? I mean it. There is always something the kids need. “Feed me, clothe me, educate me, take me to a doctor” blah blah blah. They are money syphoning, soul-sucking midgets. And you will empty your bank accounts and move mountains to give them what they need. You always want them to have everything because they are the absolute loves of your life and nothing else matters as much as they do. Ever. 

They turn even the hardest, most miserable bitches into the hugest pile of mush; even after they have wrecked your stomach, boobs, lady bits and bank accounts. All the craziness that comes with motherhood and you can’t imagine your life being any other way. Mostly. There is nothing more sincere and pure than the love a child shows you. 

Macaroni necklaces will make you cry, (not from their beauty - don’t get me wrong!!! I didn’t lose my eyesight when I popped them out ffs! - but because they are given to you with such pride and excitement and love. 

Pregnancy brain isn’t limited to pregnancy. You forget to put mascara on one eye, you forget to go to the loo until you sneeze, you stop to buy bread and come out with a pair of shoes and no bread, and you forget how to count.