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Oh yeah, I was right about being replaced. He's been on several dates with another woman. Definitely sleeping with her too, I'm sure. He talks about it with his coworkers with me on the other side of the partition. Then is sweet as pie to me, because as he said, we're friends. I can't sit by and listen to him talk about this new woman. It's cruel. We spent a wonderful night together and he dumped me at the end of it. Of course it bothers me. I crank up an an air purifier and started avoiding him.

He's still nice to me. But I think it's more to assuage his guilt and to make him feel better about himself for doing what he did. He kissed me first! It was his idea to take it to the next level. Then he yells at me and breaks up with me...after I lose my purse! Someone that loves and cares about me would have consoled me. They wouldn't have ended it.

I cried in my car, stopped eating as much. I ask him how he is and he says "Good". That's it. Never reveals the new girlfriend to me, even though we're "friends". He's noticing that my appetite is gone and that I'm not sleeping and I'm visibly in distress. Yeah, because I'm miserable! I got dumped, dude, and I know about my replacement! (Not to mention what happened this week...)

I must have struck a nerve today. He still comes to my car window and chats. He said he went out for Election Night - no mention of his date, although he told someone else. I heard him. He told me that I needed to take care of myself when he noticed my lunch was coffee and nothing else. I told him I was having trouble sleeping. He's caught me crying in the past. He asked what's wrong but why would I reveal what's troubling me to him when he won't even tell me about his life? I don't chase or beg to be taken back. I told him not to worry about me, that I'll be fine. Then I told him that I should get back to my book. Normally he ends the conversation, so I think that surprised him. Then my coworker parked next to me and chatted away so he couldn't talk to me when we usually chat, because she parked in his spot. He walked off looking a bit dejected.

It's only taken him a month and a half, but I think it's FINALLY hit him. Yeah, I'm losing interest! What did you expect? For me to sit around, pine away, and wait for you to come back around? You started it, you finished it, told me you didn't see this going any further, then you moved on and now you expect to have your cake and eat it too? I admitted my feelings for you and you rejected me. Now you want to keep me on the hook in case this other chick doesn't work out? That's not fair to me. He insisted that we were just friends, so we're friends. And that might mean that I find my book more interesting than being breadcrumbed, especially when I deserve the whole damn bakery. This is not my first rodeo in this situation. I was treated like dog shit for pining away for my first love, who never loved me back. He moved on to some blonde thin girl, wrote some cryptic shit in my yearbook, and forgot about me. Broke my heart for decades. I'm not going to make that mistake again. You're in love? Then say so.

Did DD get too close, then cut and run because he was scared? I don't know and don't know if I'll ever know. But I find it amusing that it's finally hitting him weeks after the fact, just as I'm resigning myself to a life of celibacy. I've lost all sexual desire. I avoid fantasizing about him because it hurts too much. He's the only one I want and since I can't have him, I'll have no one. And I'm coming to terms with that.

NOW he's feeling rejected and is regretting it! Well if he hadn't run his mouth after I found the missing purse, we'd still be together. The blame falls on him, so the burden of getting back together falls on him too. It's going to take some apologies, confessed feelings, and romantic gestures to get me back and nothing less. If he can't meet me at my level, then what's done is done.

I don't know if he'll ever come back, but it feels like he wants to come crawling back. I'm not going to chase and tie myself into knots trying to prove I'm worthy of being loved. You have feelings for me and want a relationship? Just say so. Break it off with her and take the leap. I would do the same but I want to be holding hands with them when I do so. I don't want to be left alone.

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He asked for the afternoon off for his daughter's dance recital. On a Wednesday?!? He was dressed to the nines. I call BS. There's a job interview or a date involved. The same man accused me of lying about wanting a Crumbl cookie yesterday. Like I would lie about being hungry and grabbing a snack. (I was hungry and wound up getting a pastry.) You're projecting, sir. I waffle between feeling numb and incredibly angry. I avoided him today...not because I was actively avoiding him, but because I didn't want him to encounter me while feeling angry and hurt. It's easier that way.

He's trying to run for the hills. He was dressed to the nines. Two afternoons off? Suspicious. He already nearly left for another job this summer. He says this job doesn't pay enough (I'd kill for his salary - $20K more than my pay - give me a raise folks). Never seeing me again is just another bonus, I guess.

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This is both easy and hard. I feel nothing. Well, actually I just feel numb. He was MIA from work on my birthday. That fact made it easier to detach. If he wanted to, he would. It's true. But at the same time, he was getting his car worked on that day and seemed sad that he missed it. (But again...if he wanted to, he would. Service appointments can be rescheduled.) Then when he inevitably shows up, we chat and I end up feeling a twinge of sadness and loneliness. Then I remind myself this is crumbs and go back to feeling numb. I've cut my hair and I no longer feel like wearing makeup. Just ready to be accepted for who I am with nothing transactional involved. If they want to, they will. Or someone else will.

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Just when I was getting used to being alone, DD has to show up. Why couldn't he have just left me alone???

He already has a date with someone else - not even two weeks and I'm replaced. I have this urge to avoid him and I'm listening to that urge.

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I had both the best day and worst day with DD in the span of 24 hours. It started with us having incredible sex and ended with a lost purse (including wallet, car keys, and house keys) and DD ending our relationship. It's over. He said he didn't want a relationship and prior to his shotgun wedding/very short marriage, he would fly around the country to hook up with women he met on Tinder. His ex-wife divorced him for being emotionally unavailable. He admitted to me he never cried. Why, I don't know. I thought that things were progressing, but they never were. Should have known when he told me his favorite band was Fugazi. That was my toxic ex's favorite band. The soundtrack of emotionally unavailable divorced men apparently. At least I understand his ex-wife's point of view now. DD will never open up emotionally, so it would never work. He's essentially a middle-aged fuckboy.

I took an Uber since I couldn't unlock my car and cried all the way home. Now I have to call a locksmith to have a key made so I can get my car out of his driveway. I don't want to be with someone who pulls the kill switch on a relationship because he got me drunk and I was forgetful while plastered. Someone who cares would understand that people make mistakes and he would drive me home. It really sucked because I woke up next to him this morning for the first time, feeling content and happy. And now I'm alone again, this time for good.

It's funny, because I almost cancelled on him last night. He said something that was rude to me at work Friday. I was speaking to him about something and he said, "I don't want to hear the play by play." My coworker called him out and instead of apologizing he said he was a "bit of a sociopath". I felt disrespected. If your lover doesn't want to listen to what you have to say, it's a red flag. I wasn't sure that I wanted to go and that remark was a passion killer. But I reminded myself that I was a catch and he was lucky to have me. But I guess my hunches were right. Ugh...and my astrology reading said there would be an ending from something that happened in March during this eclipse season. Spot on.

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Saw him last Tuesday. We made love but couldn't kiss because of crud going around, which was so difficult. We both wanted to kiss each other on the mouth, but had to settle for other places! We picked up some food at the gourmet grocery store and cooked dinner together, then watched the debate. Had a quickie right before it was time to go.

My anxiety was there when I asked him about weekend plans and he wouldn't share because supposedly The Detective blabbed. His last trip was a solo trip to the beach because he enjoys solo travel and just wanted to decompress. Guess she probably pestered him about it being a non-solo trip. My educated guess is that it's a) none of her business and b) he didn't want her to spread a rumor about a girlfriend and get me all pissed off over something untrue. I was suspicious that he was spending the weekend with someone else. So I asked him if I needed to get tested. He said no. Tested negative and was not having sex with anyone but me. He had sex with someone else...but that was when I had ended it briefly. Interesting!

I think he has his kid next week. I miss him. Can't wait to kiss him again. Would love to go away with him one weekend and we brought up some possible destinations on our last date. Hoping he'll want to meet up the week after next. There's always this lingering fear that he'll dump me for someone else, but that is my core wound/15 year old self talking and thinking about the past. His communication has been all green flags - open and honest. The test question was surprising. Emotionally, he's afraid to open up. When I was having a hard time, he changed the subject. He's still in pain from the divorce and hearing me talk about my own experience makes him uncomfortable. But on occasion we open up.

Looking forward to our next night together. He's going to need an oxygen tank because I don't think we'll be coming up for air. 😂

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I teased him about a surprise next week to see if he's still interested because my anxious attachment style was doing its thing. He said he was very intrigued! I guess guys need time alone to process things. Hopefully he'll be in good spirits tomorrow. I feel at ease as long as I don't fixate on it because I'm usually with him right now. Took my mind off of it by gardening, buying books, giving myself a pedicure, cooking myself a nice steak dinner, and watching movies.

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We spent the afternoon together last weekend. Had sex, went to a food truck, had what we agreed was so-so Nashville hot chicken (haha), drank a watermelon slushie, walked around downtown, then watched Twisters at his place after Round 2. I thought we were going to spend time together this week, but we didn't. He said he wanted to "go with the flow" and I was like red flag, red flag!!! So I said I'd need to check my schedule. I wasn't blowing him off, but being honest. He then said let's put it off until next week because he has a lot to do with domestic issues. I thought, shit. I pissed him off. Turns out he just needs some space. His ex has a new boyfriend and it's serious. His daughter has met the new boyfriend. She wants to have another baby (he didn't want anymore kids which was why they divorced). I overheard him say he doesn't want to think about it. He's upset she's moving on. He's been uncharacteristically quiet. So I know he needs space to be on his own. I'll see him next week anyway.

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We had a wonderful night together. DD took me for a spin in his sports car and we picked up burgers and had a sunset picnic in the park. He looked really sexy in his Ray Bans. He took me to a picnic table overlooking the river and we had dinner and talked and laughed over some goofy things. Before that, we had incredible sex. After dinner, he led me to this old oak tree that had a romantic canopy of leaves and proceeded to make out with me under the tree, hidden away from everyone. It was like something out of a romcom movie - just us, covered by a thick canopy of oak leaves under a live oak tree so old all of its branches touched the ground, creating a bubble of foliage. It was just us in this secret bubble, lost in a kiss. We plan to bring a blanket next time so we can go back to our secret spot. 😉 Later, we continued our romantic stroll, holding hands and talking, and at one point we sat on this bench and kissed passionately. We talked about our childhoods and turns out DD had lived in Nairobi, Paris, New York, New Jersey, Wellesley, MA, Houston, Denver, and here. He loves to travel, much like myself.

After dinner, we went back home for some, uh, dessert. The man made me come 6 times. That's a new record. The gummies made us feel so relaxed. DD gazed into my eyes and kissed me so much I could hardly breathe. We curled up on the bed and cuddled. He wanted me to sleep over and we were so comfy nestled in each other's arms, but it was a school night. That date was the most romantic one I've been on in a long time. Maybe the most romantic date I've ever had. No one has ever taken me on a romantic picnic and a walk hand in hand to these picturesque, beautiful places.

He told me wants to get married again, but for the right reasons. He had a shotgun wedding at his ex's insistence. According to him, he gave her everything she wanted. And he really did - left his hometown, bought the house she wanted, had a baby (she wanted kids, he was done but changed his mind for her), and had the wedding she wanted. Turns out he wanted a big fat Jewish wedding with a woman he loves and not a quickie wedding to make an honest woman out of them. He was honest and visibly heartbroken over the whole thing.

I'm down so bad for this man. Trying not to fantasize about marrying him and smashing the glass at the ceremony. 😂 My life has become very Charlotte coded. Also, he's considering leaving the job for not only $, but for me, to avoid potential conflicts of interest so it wouldn't jeopardize my job, yet we could still be together. Imagining the looks on everyone's faces and the clutching of pearls when we hard launch our relationship and I bring him as my date to the holiday party! 😂 The thought of me saying, "This is my boyfriend, DD. You may know him already." They would lose their shit over the big reveal! 😂

I also found out he talks a big game but the recreational drugs he bought were 5 mg gummies. Microdose stuff. The gummies at the CBD shop are stronger than that! Also, the marriage talk is because of his Jewish upbringing. I didn't know that dating was with the intention of marriage in some circles, which is why he was so quick to explain. Jewish men are not like the men from my spiritual background. They are much more egalitarian, which I love. DD also mentioned how it hurt him to hear how I was treated by my boss behind our shared partition. My boss is not as kind to me as his is to him. He wants to defend me so much but knows that would blow our cover.

He is really keeping deep cover when we leave work to avoid suspicion. It's because if DD looks at me, he goes completely gaga and makes serious heart eyes. Someone would be bound to notice. ☺️ He gets a bit shy around me the morning after our nights together, too. It's cute, really. I managed to sneak him a big smile this morning and he smirked, then put on his "all business" face as he walked past so nobody would notice. I told him I had an amazing time on our date last night and said I would love to see that tree again. He said he wanted to as well - it was very nice! 😉 I'm looking forward to our next picnic. I've got it bad...

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My anxious attachment is rearing its ugly head. Dude texts me throughout the week only to leave me hanging. So I got up and asked him about the weekend. Now he's going tubing with a group of friends and will be back that evening. But he was looking at me and grinning from ear to ear. I think the man is shy around me. Explains a lot. Will I wait by the phone? No. I won't sit around and wait on a man because I have my own life. If I'm around, I'll pop by.

ETA: Oh, it's on. ☺️ 🔥 Called me his girl again. ❤️ Screw my inner frenemy! Saturday he's with his little girl. She's his main lady. Sunday? Turns out it's a group of 30 people and it's a club, and they're all going tubing. It's a way for him to experience Texas and make new friends. Love that for him. Out of nowhere, I get a text that asks me to wear a short skirt and sexy thong that day. Naughty schoolgirl? I say. Fuck yes, he says. Then he texts me very dirty sentiments. I cooked up a sexy outfit and some edibles. It's going to be a night that'll blow his mind...among other things.

My trust issues are a hurdle, but he's so patient with me. DD has a very sweet nature. I'm so used to toxic masculinity and abuse that I've never experienced someone with sweet, you'd say "golden retriever" energy. He had his walls up too, and kinda came across as an asshole at first. But all that has changed. Deep down, he's a romantic, but also playful. I love the playful side of him. He said he never wanted to get married again at first when it was new and we were both guarded, and now he says he doesn't want to get married for a long time. I was like, honey...slow your roll! I just want to be with you. We don't have to get married anytime soon! He was visibly relieved. But the conversation made me realize where his head is at. By the way...I also heard him tell my meddling coworker (after she caught him in a lie that he didn't call the girl she was trying to set him up with) that he has a girlfriend! 😱 (Soft launched at the office. Holy shit!) He's falling in love and he's so scared after his first marriage ended. So am I. I won't pressure him into anything, which I know is his fear from past experience. I'm open to whatever happens next. Having agendas and pushing toward commitment when not ready or because you're "supposed" to ruins relationships, IMO. Keep it organic.

He's open to new experiences like I am, and we have so much fun together. I've never had a boyfriend with that playful side (but I've always wanted one 😉). I love his snaggletooth smile and his dimples. I love his shiny, smooth bald head and the tiny patches of white hair in his goatee. I love his pouty, kissable lips. I love the way he whispers my name and touches me. Our song? Benson Boone's "Beautiful Things" (with "Slow It Down" a close second). It played on the speaker during our very first date. The time apart only made us miss each other more. ❤️❤️ I still replay our first kiss in my head, nearly 5 months later. He caught me by surprise...and it surprised him too when I gave in to my feelings. I think I'm falling in love with him, inner frenemy be damned.

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I think he's losing interest. He was in a hurry to schedule 3 dates but then I got sick and had to miss Date #2 and was going out of town, but Date #3 was open. I thought he was still interested based on that. I scheduled something after I got back, but Saturday he's "busy" and he's trying out paintball Sunday and doesn't know when it'll let out. I told him I'm free Sunday, so the ball is in his court. Haven't heard anything yet about time, etc. I've made it clear I'm still interested and will say "If you want to hang out Sunday, lmk". I question whether he went on a solo trip to Port A like he said because he drunkenly said he wanted to go on a beach vacation with me. Taking his word, but my inner critic is suspicious. I feel like there's someone else, although I could be wrong. Could be my anxious attachment talking. Guy's allowed to have friends and he enjoys solo travel. His Saturdays are booked lately and he spoke in a hushed tone with his boss about what I think is another woman. Ok, inner frenemy, spill...(She's a bitch) I think he's going to either ghost or say he's busy, and that'll be that. Slow fade. Coincidentally coincides with his custody order hearing next week. Which means a set schedule, which means if there IS someone else, they will get dibs. Watch. I have zero expectations. The bar is low.

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Pretty sure his daughter got him sick. The timing of my illness seems to be a day behind his. My fever returned last night and spiked so I went to bed and woke up with no fever, covered in sweat. Woke up feeling much better. (Which is good, because I'm going on vacation today!)

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He gave me a cold. He got sick and I was down for the count a few hours later. But the germ spreading was worth it. 😉 Pretty sure I got it from kissing him. That make out session was lots of fun. I'm shivering and doing my best to kick this fever. He crept up to my car and said, "Hey sickie...get some rest babe." He checked on me and was like, "Aw, honey..." when he saw me trying my best to put on a brave face to get through work (with watery eyes, dark circles, rubbed off lip balm, and a red nose). If he wanted to be more serious, I would have loved to just nurse our colds together curled up in bed watching movies and napping together. He's terrified that because we're both sick it was an STD. But considering the crowds of tourists we were around that day, I'm pretty sure it was that or one of his board game buddies got him sick and he passed it on to me. Either way, he's Patient Zero. I try to shut up my own worst enemy/inner critic who says "He gave you something! It's a weird form of gonorrhea! He wasn't being monogamous like he said he was!" Couple that with "He'll dump you for another girl once the ink on the divorce papers is dry! They always leave!" But only time will tell. It feels like a cold spread by kissing and sharing our lunches with each other.

Yeah, it's evolved into a situationship. It's a strange dynamic where I'm his girl but he's not ready to commit so soon after divorce. He needs to discover who he is now and I can't complicate that by being all codependent. He needs to develop a new relationship with his daughter and I can't and won't interfere with that. Relationships in your 40's are much more nuanced than in your 20's because of all that comes with it. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. But I feel so comfortable around him, even coughing up phlegm with a snotty nose. 🙃 I don't see it getting serious unless he does a total 180 and does this grand gesture to make it work. Only then will I entertain the idea. The man is content being self-indulgent right now. He can do what he wants because he's a grown man and I'm not going to dictate his life, nor will he dictate mine. It works. We're both happy right now.

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I was briefly side-eyeing him because he was too tired and cancelled, then quickly changed his mind when I told him I'd be out of town next weekend! Suddenly, he's like, are you free Sunday? And how about the week after before you go and when you get back? Whoa. 🫨 3 dates? Damn.

I received a text this morning that his ex picked up his kid early and instead of dinner, how about lunch? I was a bit suspicious when he said he had other plans after 5:00. That was our original time. But I found out more about that. His plan afterward was to come home and go to bed early. The divorce is reaching its apex and he has to prepare for his hearing. At 43, going to bed early and doing laundry is also not out of the realm of possibility since I do that as well.

We spent the afternoon chatting, drinking (me virgin Bloody Marys and Pina coladas, him beer), sharing lunch, and then dessert. 😉 A really screaming, delicious dessert. 😈 He loved that I was so limber. 😉 We cuddled and talked, and he said he saw the light at the end of the tunnel - he had his hobbies, and his girl. I was trying to be as nonchalant as possible when he called me his girl! He wants to take me on a beach vacation with him and we talked about that. ❤️

My anxious attachment has me freaking out that he's seeing other women, but I know that it's my head trying to psych me out and make me feel like garbage. I was a bit anxious about "I'm too tired" going to "anytime after 5 pm" changing to "let's go out this afternoon, oh btw I have to pick up my meds after 5 pm", thinking he was seeing someone else that night and trying not to doom spiral. I saw him texting, but he was honest about it after seeing the anxiety etched on my face. He's self-medicating with recreational pharma and it was his dealer. The reason he left at 5:00 is because he had to ride his bike several miles round trip and driving after drinks was a no go. By the time he'd get back, it'd be time to get ready for bed and do our pre-work Sunday rituals. He wasn't going to get baked after and wanted to rest on his own. He wants to address the self-medicating issues after the divorce and he gets accustomed to his new normal. Fair enough. He did annoy me at one point by saying he wouldn't pay for my bar tab unless I drank, but then said he was joking because he didn't want me to relapse and said he liked this new, alcohol free version of me. His jokes land weirdly sometimes. Mine too. He was upset about my joke about stowing away in a coworker's suitcase because his upcoming vacation was cancelled. Ah. Makes sense now. Also, I think it can make him uncomfortable being confronted with his struggles by seeing me get over similar ones. I'm fine with others doing what they want to do and I don't mind MJ/shrooms/whatever and have partaken, but alcohol in particular doesn't serve me because I get depressed and can't function when I drink. Nothing against drugs/alcohol whatsoever.

We kissed goodbye and he asked me out for next week and mentioned I was a good mom when we talked about my upcoming trip.

Feeling secure for now. He says this won't last forever and has to end at some point, because he doesn't want to get married until he's really old and wants a companion. Who said I wanted to get remarried? 😂 I'm enjoying my time with him until our relationship has run its natural course.

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My coworker is setting DD up with some girl named Trixie. There's a happy hour this week - coworker was invited (or invited herself), and I was not. Because we are on the DL, he waffled. I want to fucking scream. Instead, I'm screaming on the inside and plastering a fake smile on my face. I don't want him to go out with her.

He went to my coworker's cube, added her to his social media and agreed to talk to her. Oh, lovely. What the fuck?!? So I guess we're sexually exclusive? Such bullshit. I thought there was something there, but maybe it was all an act. Who knows these days. This is not exactly helping to refute my case that men are trash.

What did I say earlier? Please don't prove I'm right. I know I can't predict the future, but I fear that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I guess at this point I also don't see this progressing until he proves me wrong otherwise.

I'm allowed to feel how I feel for right now, then I guess I'll just let it go because it doesn't really matter in the scheme of things. It's not a reflection of my worth. I don't know how he feels about me at this point and it's a toss up. Feeling numb inside and detached seems to be the best way to get through everything these days, but it's very hard to do without alcohol.

ETA Turns out he added her to appease the coworker! Does not intend on asking her out and will remove her. 😂 He knew that I was spiralling internally a bit overhearing that exchange, but we've got to keep up appearances so no one suspects. (We joked about him being the Resident Hot Guy of the office, considering the others look like potatoes or are geriatric.) Has custody of his daughter all week, but may make plans this weekend depending on how the child custody schedule shakes out. His ex has him walking on eggshells right now. Understandable, based on what's going on. They battled over custody and something must've happened last Sunday. (I may have checked court records...he may get primary custody. Wow for him and yikes for her.) He asked about my weekly therapy session and said he noticed I've changed - calmer, clearer, like an internal makeover.

The weekend? Nice. Very nice. I'll feel better once a date is set. It is a bit suspicious that he didn't plan a day, but he may need to de-stress now that the divorce is getting messy, and I also respect his boundary not to discuss our kids in depth. He loves my maternal side, but I'm not auditioning to be his kids' stepmom right now or anything like that. After all, he played flag football last week. There was no other woman. My jealousy tries to swallow me whole sometimes. I do need to work on my trust issues, but it's always a work in progress. I've been treated so badly in the past that I am guilty of painting men with a broad brush, and I was wrong in the way I treated him before. We had a chat last week that made him realize why I had my guard up and it drew us closer. Giving him the benefit of the doubt and hoping for the best case scenario. (But you can bet that if this man devolves into douchebag behavior, I'm gone!)

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2 months sober. 🤘🤘

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I'm feeling a bit foolish although a tad skeptical. I did a little sleuthing, and he was in Austin yesterday...because he's part of a flag football league. 😂 That's why the time was so set in stone! Me on Friday, flag football Saturday, time with his daughter today. Packed schedule. Nice. It felt a bit exclusive-y. If there is a roster, it's me and maybe one other.