nosjericho

[nosjericho]

Shout your affections

To the void

You only seek

The echo anyway

[nosjericho]

Be the

Dandelion

On a sunny day

Wide open

Shining with

Your chest out

Nobody tells

Flowers

To be modest

[nosjericho]

A not so love poem

I want to write a love poem to my mom— but I don’t like her that much…

Those words rang true from the artist’s lips to my ears.

Straight shot down.

Into the pit of my stomach.

Why didn’t she love me?

And if she did, why was she so fuxking bad at it?

I see babies cradled in loving arms

I see grown adults laying in their mothers’ laps

Scratch my scalp

Hold my hand

Kiss my face

I was robbed

Without a gun

A knife

Or even just cause

Loving a child whole heartedly wasn’t in her cards

Any achievements

Were OURS at best

Never mine

Any trauma

Never happened

Swept under rugs

Place a coffee table

Over that pile

Nobody will know

And now

Now there’s a place for you to land

When I throw you

Down hallways

And across rooms

Into furniture

Walls that caught

And held me

More gingerly than she ever could

Corners

I whispered my truths to

Because she would just tell me

I’m lying

As though I had reason

To say that kindly old woman

You leave me with

Takes my clothes off

When she thinks I’m sleeping

Or

The teenage boy

In that family was not as “good with little kids “ as you thought

The truth would

Tear

at least THEIR

Family apart

You would just need to find new people to do drugs with

Dear mama

I’m sorry I don’t

Remember

Our time together

The way you do

I don’t remember

Our time together

At all

Excepting only

Flashes of violence

Straight jacket hugs

And the taste

Of bargain bin

Dish soap

I remember

I remember

Smallness

Feeling

Small

Physically

Being

Small

Why don’t I remember

Sitting down to eat

Together

Forever at the

Kids table

And I was

The only kid

While you

And your beverage

And whatever

Man you had

At the time

Sat

In a cloud of smoke

In front of the

Television

I could only

Listen

Aside from

Your stories

I don’t remember

Childhood tv

Unless we were away

With others

Only with

Others

I remember sneaking

And I remember

The tv that had an issue

That left a light beam

Across the screen

For twenty minutes

I remember

Trying to

Time

The twenty minutes

So I could watch

Tv and not

Feel so alone

The many hours

It would be

Before you

Got home

I was a child

Raising herself

In a minefield

I remember musicals

I remember singing

I remember books

I remember

Trying to

Tell myself

That was enough

Trying to

Stretch those

Few good moments

Like plastic wrap

Across

And over

Reality

Let it fog

With

Captured steam

And for a moment

Let it be enough

I remember solitude

And silent needs

I remember

Stifling cries

And wanting to die

No I wasn’t

Trying to

Burn the building down

The day I

Set our living room

Ablaze

I was just

Curious

And alone

I had a thing with fire

That year

Didn’t I

I remember

Creating a

Safe corner

Inside my closet

Because

My closet

Was the only

Door

I could open

Whenever I

Chose

I remember

You never had

Money

Until I was pregnant

And you wanted me

To abort

I remember

You had no idea

Where my dad was

Until

You sent me

To live with him

Effectively, a stranger

You’d only ever

Spoken ill of

I remember

You came to

My graduation

And I became

Someone else

I drank

Myself to black

But not before

Trying to fight

Some girl

About some boy

Whole time

I’m gay

I remember

My baby mama

Meeting that same

Me

When you came

To visit

“You were just — gone”

Thanks mom

I remember having to

Borrow money

For the rent

Because

I had it

But you asked me

For it

And PROMISED

you would

Get it to me

On time

I remember

Snapping that day

I remember telling you

To leave

And you did

And true

To fashion

You left a mess

In your wake

I remember

Seeing the

Discomfort

I knew in my soul

On my sons face

When you would

Hug him

I remember

Fighting with you

About his

Physical

Autonomy

It would seem

I remember

More

Than I thought

But still

Not enough

To write

A love poem

[nosjericho]

Emotions like

Wind in the valley

I get swept up

Tossed around

And find myself disoriented

Down looks like up

When your world is

Turned on its head

[nosjericho]

Imagine me

A tumbleweed

Aimless

Set loose

And headed

Nowhere

I can’t find

The point

I amble on

Round

Rolling

Anonymous

Seen but

Unknown

I can’t tell you

The last time

I was asked

My name

[nosjericho]

Eyes

Closed

Skin

Aflame

Mouth

Silent

Cheeks

Wet

Chest

Tight

Hands

Shaky

Feet

Cold

Have you ever held your breath

And not wanted to let go