not-elia

[not-elia]

the archer by taylor swift

Combat, I'm ready for combat

I say I don't want that, but what if I do?

'Cause cruelty wins in the movies

I've got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you

in this verse we start with the feeling of mentally preparing yourlself for somehting, a fight, and not knowing if its what we really want. we have spent all our lives watching as the bad people get away with things, so why not us. then there is the over thinking aspect of a fight, planning what youre going to say, then hating it, and then repeatign the cycle.

Easy they come, easy they go

I jump from the train, I ride off alone

I never grew up, it's getting so old

Help me hold onto you

people come and go into your life all the time, and its easier to jump off and leave on your own accord than to be left alone. never growing up feels like everybody moved on, everybody knew what to do, everybody exept myself. i want to stay and not feel like i have to leave, help me do that.

I've been the archer

I've been the prey

Who could ever leave me, darling?

But who could stay?

i have hurt people all my life whether i want that or not, but ive also been hurt more times thatn i can count by the people ive trusted the most. theres this aspect of just fake ego, who could ever leave me if im so good, if im this grand person who ive imagined myself to be to protect myself, but then again its just a facade to so get hurt, buecase nobody ever stays.

Dark side, I search for your dark side

But what if I'm alright, right, right, right here?

And I cut off my nose just to spite my face

Then I hate my reflection for years and years

i search for oyur flaws, somehting that might make me hate you, but what if thats not really the problem. ive self sabotaged all my life because i dont want people to leave me and i hate that about myself.

I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost

The room is on fire, invisible smoke

And all of my heroes die all alone

Help me hold onto you

i cant sleep, i stay awake overthinking everything, even stuff that isnt there. because thats all ive ever seen, people end up alone, and although  i think i am doomed to the same fate it sacres me so much.

I've been the archer

I've been the prey

Screaming, who could ever leave me, darling?

But who could stay?

(I see right through me, I see right through me)

on this chorus we start to hear background voices and heartbeats that intenify. growing with every second, the same words over and over again haunting my thoughts.

'Cause they see right through me

They see right through me

They see right through

Can you see right through me?

They see right through

They see right through me

I see right through me

I see right through me

because everyone can see that im not who i pretend to be, who i thought i wnated to be, who i became to try to protect myslef. can you see who i really am too? i thought that i could fake until i made it, that if i pretended to be all that i would become it, but i was wrong.

All the king's horses, all the king's men

Couldn't put me together again

'Cause all of my enemies started out friends

Help me hold onto you

all of the good things that happened to me cant overcome all of the bad things, because the only people who can really hurt you is the ones that you trust the most. help me unlearn that. 

I've been the archer

I've been the prey

Who could ever leave me, darling?

But who could stay?

(I see right through me, I see right through me)

Who could stay?

Who could stay?

Who could stay?

You could stay

You could stay

we have this moment of just overwhelmingness, the backgtoud voices, the heartbeat, the growing hamonies, the feeling of trying to find out how you are feeling.

Combat, I'm ready for combat

the song ends the same way it started except that its has a totally opposite meaning, this time it means that im ready to fight for what we have and not give up.

[not-elia]

Fml yet again relapsed because of the same 2 mfs

[not-elia]

unstoppable force (wanting to be the kindest version of myself) vs immovable object (all the anger and hatred I have inside myself)

[not-elia]

jesus christ. fine. ill say it. im sleepy. im sleepy, okay? do you know what being sleepy does to a person? to their spirit? i should be pitied.

[not-elia]

Nico, at the slightest provocation: I came into this earth screaming and covered in someone else's blood and and I'm not afraid to leave the same way.

[not-elia]

Hurt people heal and help other hurt people

But sometimes hurt people en up hurting other people

[not-elia]

I hate how I fell I wanna go to sleep but I cant

[not-elia]

Literally nothing is real rn and I'm just venting on here lol

[not-elia]

I would probably burst from the insides in any of my irls foun this mf blog it quite literally has all o fmy most fucked up thoughts (my notes app being a close second although they are basically the same Tumblr being a public way of sharing it whilst it sill is a secrret)

[not-elia]

Seen

Dont you see you have a daughter too

And don't you she she is struggling

No

You don't see

You don't see past what you want to see

You only see the good grades and the hobbies

You don't notice the depressive episodes

You don't notice the anxiety attacks

You don't notice the way I starve myself for weeks or the secret blades I put to my skin

Cause you only see what you want to

And you don't want me

You don't see me as the child I am

You see me as this adult adjacent that can do well on their own

That doesn't need help so you leave me alone

To fight on my own all the demons you know are there but ignore

Don't you see

I am your daughter

I am your child

And I'm not perfect but all I'm trying to do is be seen by you

Poem (?) idefk anyomre

[not-elia]

I hate that the auto correct thing can't understand how much I love writing the word fuk and always changes it to something else

[not-elia]

when I say I don't really like boys, I mean that I don't want a love like a boys's and a girl's. i wanna love like that from a boy who loves another boy, like achiles and patroclus, without the tragic ending. I only like women in a sapphic way and through the female gaze. I don't like labeling my sexuality l because from years of self exploration I've learned that I don't fit in any of them and that trying to put my self in a box only deteriorated my mental health, but if there's one thing I know is that I want a queer love that rattles my insides and changes the way my brain is wired.

Queer notes app blurb lmao

[not-elia]

Omgf I just relapsed after like less that a week and it's fucking hard because last time it was just to feel something but this time it was to make myself feel physically pain to distract myself from the fuck ton of emotional pain I has bottled up.

I had stayed clean for like 3 moths before and I was genuinely doing better but then I realize that I am not in fact getting better I am just busy with other stuff and I'm just bottling up my feelings and stringe them aside to deal with whatever I'm doing at the moment and I dont even realize that I'm so fucking drained and burned out.

And the the tiniest incontinence comes around and atry to manage it bur it all starts snowballing on me and I can't control the way my mind starts to race and then suddenly I'm disassociating for days on end then I break down and I relapse yet again.

And that fucking relapse leads my fucjed up brain to start thinking horrible shots and I makes me feel shit about myself so I start relaxing with Ed shut again.

And it's all so fucked up cause in still so young and my brain I'd just so fucked up and I can't seem to do anything to make it better and I wonder how the fuck will I survive when I'm older Cause one part of my brain thinks it will all be better when I live on my own but another thinks that u might just end up way worse.

Any ways I fucking hate my brain and how it works toodles

[not-elia]

im just a mirrorball girlie who fall in love with a gold rush girl

[not-elia]

“growth isn’t always constant. relapses happen. it doesn’t erase all your success.”

— Unknown

[not-elia]

[not-elia]

Ok I'm back on Paul Blofis (cause he's the dad Percy deserves not Poseidon) what if Paul is the one who trash talks the gods on behalf of Percy and Sally?? Like he's seen his son go through 2 wars before legally being an adult. Watched his son get kidnapped by a god. Watched Sally lose her mind over worry.All while the gods, including Poseidon who claimed to like them, do absolutely nothing. Paul will snap.

Paul: Pay your child support before I bring my class of first graders to olympus

The gods: ...

Paul: I also have a car and am not afraid to run over one of you

And the thing is Paul is basically immune. If the gods killed him - Sally would personally kill Poseidon somehow while Percy would get two camps of demigods to overthrow Olympus.