not-tryin-2-have-a-debate

[not-tryin-2-have-a-debate]

originally dated december 21st 2015. i think this was me prepping notes before i went to a new psychiatrist that put me in a day program. the one with the nurse that was in the christian rock band that opened for neon trees one time

-Suicidal Thoughts I guess this is probably the most pressing issue. When I said I didn’t want to be 18 I meant that I really really do not want to be around to turn 18. I don’t know how to explain but its terrifying and thinking about it now makes me want to puke. I have suicidal thoughts often enough that I’m never totally sure how to answer you’re questions about it because I don’t want to say too many and be disappointing but also its hard to remember a distinct number and decide which times were like, serious enough to count. I feel really guilty about it because it’s not like anyone did something to make me suicidal it’s just. Me. And in a general sense I’m 100% terrified of dying but I kind of feel like I need to for a lot of reasons. “Like I deserve to” but Jesus Christ. I feel like it’d be upsetting for a while but in the long run it’d be a weight off everyone’s shoulders if I was gone. I’m dragging them all down and I’m very aware of it. the problem is that I really really can’t stand people being upset with me to the point that it’s really pathetic so i’m honestly afraid to kill myself because people will be mad at me for it and i don’t want to put the funeral cost and stuff on my family because we don’t have money right now. Also I never really know how to answer questions about planning either because I’ve had the same plan for over a year. Its honestly like morbidly In-depth and I don’t want to explain it because that’s fucked up and I don’t want you to have to read it. I tried to plan it out so it’d have the least lasting damage for my family. I feel really gross writing that though because I get it and I get the irony I don’t know. It’s really complicated and if i’m totally honestly I’m really scared about the future

-I Don’t Even Know What Word To Use For This Shit

-Paranoia, I guess, going along with the above stuff. Also I kind of assume people like get together to talk about how gross I am which is dumb.

-Extreme self-hatred, firmly believing I’m the worst living thing and that I’m legitimately evil haha;;. Anything is an excuse to self-deprecate! The world is your oyster

-Social Anxiety because to me, I guess, I’m going in knowing everyone hates me. Everyone I love stays around because they feel bad for me or because they’re obligated to as my family. When people look at me I assumed they think everything I think about myself, I guess. (that sounds so dramatic holy shit) I’m afraid to go out into my backyard because my neighbors might see me out there and think I’m weird. I’m afraid to get to know people because they’ll find out some terrible thing I’ve done and hate me. I’m afraid to play games with my girlfriend because I’ll do badly bring her down. I’m afraid to talk to people I love when they’re upset because I can only make it worse, I’m afraid to meet new people because I’ll immediately make a fool of myself. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc.  I end up getting really attached to anyone that I can think for a second doesn’t totally want me dead haha. which is kind of weird because I still have the same problems with them, like if Dani compliments me I know she’s lying, but it’s still nice that she would? But then it gets weird because I get kind of jealous when people I love have other (better) friends and stuff. I feel obsessive and creepy because if someone shows me the time of day and I know them for like a week I’m like in love immediately. At the same time again though, the more I like a person the more imperative it is I don’t fuck up around them so the more nerve-wracking and terrible it is to talk to them and the more I avoid interacting with them at all it’s complicated

-Self-harm Ideation I guess? It’s been really hard for me to not totally crumble on this front and I basically want to cut most of the time. I’ve done some very small things but I don’t think that count and they’ve been kept secret. I honestly kind of wish I could just not care anymore and go back to having everyone know and already being disappointed so I can just do it I guess. My friend also said that intentionally upsetting yourself counts as self-harm but I don’t know how much weight I put on that honestly.

-Daydreaming? I don’t really know how to word this one but I know that using escapism I guess too much is a bad thing and I know that I spend way to much time just thinking about weird fantasy future scenarios and shit.

-Nightmares. My sleep schedule’s been really screwed up forever so every time I come in I say there hasn’t really been a change usually but I don’t know if that’s...what I should be saying? Because I don’t know if she takes that to mean like “Normal Good Sleep” even though I also try to say it’s normal for /me/ y’know. Sometimes I won’t be able to sleep because I get freaked out, sometimes I over-sleep, sometimes (today) I had like maybe an hour of sleep and that’s apparently all I needed? It usually takes me about 20min-1hr to fall asleep and I’ll wake up a few times if I sleep for a normal of long amount of time. I almost always have nightmares, every night, and wake up with my stomach all twisted and gross. They aren’t normally very violent and are more psychological I guess? They’ll be about just really surreal shit, or people getting hurt because of me, or like, hating me and going out of their way to show how much they hate me I guess? That’s hard to explain.

-Issues with Thinking/Concentrating, problems remembering things and getting side-tracked constantly. EX If I’m trying to study sometimes I stop being able to comprehend what I’m reading, or I’ll realize I’ve read like 5 pages but don’t remember anything I was just reading. Normally though I won’t even get that far because I know studying is going to be stressful and overwhelming so I kind of get overwhelmed before I even do anything??

-Being completing unable to make myself do things even if I want to and its really distressing and frustrating because I can’t get anything done. my mom’s used “executive dysfunction” by name and has made charts and stuff to help me but I’m still useless it’s really ridiculous

-Issues with Speech in a lot of ways, not just being quiet and apologizing so much that it makes people angry haha. My brother and dad get mad at me a lot because I’ll completely lose track of subjects or keep changing them. If i’m having a weirder time I’ll have problems thinking of words at all or I won’t ‘want’ to talk at all but that’s hard to explain. I know that I have tons of annoying verbal tics and I get upset with myself over them. A lot of times I won’t really know how to say what I’m thinking or feeling, or I’ll say it wrong and then start cycling between like trying to find the right words and not getting too worked up over being an idiot. Sometimes people don’t understand what I’m trying to say even if I think I had the right words for it?

-Weird movements?? I don’t know this is another thing people have pointed out and I’ve started noticing because of that. I rock back and forth a lot which I know is like, A Thing, I guess. I’ll also like pull on my hair and bite on my hands or put shit in my mouth, and just generally...do weird movement things. When I’m around uncomfortable people or in public I try to not move at all; every time I leave a waiting room my neck hurts because I like can’t move from the very hunched over, looking down, no-one-can-see-my-face pose. Because I don’t want them to notice me and think I’m weird which is...kind of hilarious and counter-productive because it’s probably very noticeably weird body language......

-Extreme Fear of space, time, death, old people and getting older, any concept of infinity but also the concept of definite endings. If I have panic attacks it’s almost always because of this shit, I keep myself awake thinking of it a lot, It’ll make me want to self-harm or have suicidal thoughts which is honestly ironic (but usually if I’m getting that kind of worked up about it it’s mostly about me not wants to get old which probably sounds really gross) This has been a problem forever and I think a lot of these are understandably scary but its gets bad so I’m gonna put it on here I guess

-Mood swings that I feel totally out of control of. The smallest thing can totally change my mood, sometimes in ways that make no sense like recently I heard my brother laugh from the other room and got so pissed? for no reason? I love my brother and I’m glad he was having a good time? I feel like I don’t really have middle ground emotions. Even if I’m calm I’m like Way Too Calm if that makes sense. Sometimes I have very excited and almost like violent moods that my last therapist described as Mania but I don’t think that’s what it was at all because they don’t last that long and in general I don’t think I’m Bipolar so...

-Eating maybe? I’ll sometimes eat a lot when I get upset but I don’t know if I’d call it ‘binge’ eating honestly. I’ve repeatedly thought about starving myself but I always end up only going a day or so because I’m afraid people will find out, or I like ‘lose the self-control’ to even though that’s a good thing...and then I get upset with myself for not being able to and continuing to be fat and etc. etc. etc.

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originally dated june 2016

I get overwhelmed and upset whenever I try to write much about my nativeness, or my relationship with ethnicity in general. I worry I have too many things marking me as an oddity already and bringing up or becoming more involved with my heritage only deepens the divide between me and other people. I worry that I'm overstepping and stuck and will never belong. When I was young, the disconnection bothered me in a much simpler way: I was made fun of enough for being native that there was little room for me to question if I even belonged in that identity. I didn't know to be frustrated by how much I didn't know about my culture, especially since it seemed like all the other kids at my school didn't know anything about their's, either. All I knew is that I loved Disney's Pocahontas for being like me until I people started calling me by her name. Later I would read about her for a history project and end up not turning anything in because I couldn't figure out how to write while feeling so lied to. I never had anyone around to teach me things, and the family that was there seemed intent on separating us from anything off-white. I hated my grandmother for a lot of reasons, but I resented her for forcing me to be closed off. Now at least I know that she's just scared. Now I have the experience of trying for useless hours to track down some indication that her mother existed under the name we knew her by and finding nothing. I know what it's like to try not to picture her as a little girl in a missionary school. I wonder what her real name was. I cry because I have no idea how to find our clan heritage, and I cry because that was the intention. It all feels almost impossible to articulate. I feel ashamed and embarrassed and can't shake the worry that I'm telling someone's else's story. Other members of my family seem resigned to our assimilation, and where that used to drive me crazy I now feel a sense of hollow understanding. It feels like you've lost a fight. It feels like you were framed and put away in a prison cell, where you can't see your family or the outside world. I am a product of colonization. I am a product of the rape of abduction of native women, being married off to settler men, being put in schools and having their language and culture and names stripped away from them. But I am consumed by the fact that if I accept that and go on letting our heritage be ignored, I am not just a product effected by assimilation: I am the goal. We were meant to be taken so far from our cultures that we feel we don't even belong to them. We were meant to move on and let them die out. I feel like I can't just let that happen. I've grown up learning from a computer. I remember snippets of knowledge from undetermined sources: I've always known Niit'sitapi, maohk, imiita, akiiwa. Other words I looked up on my own. My enitre life I've felt homesick, and I've looked up the same little websites and videos and listened to strangers speak Blackfoot. Niit'sipussin. Niit'sipowasin. I try to determine which dialect is which. I try to remember as many words as I can. I listen to an old man talk about the weather is our slow, breathy, beautiful words and I worry that I've failed him. When I was a preteen, I found a specific word. "Akaisskotahkaayi. English meaning: They Have Returned Home (referring to the migrating birds)." Part of me thinks it's silly and stereotypical for me to focus on something like that. But I see that word and my heart just melts. Partly because its just plain beautiful, the language feels like I belong in it in the cheesiest and mushiest way possible. When I listen to it or read it I feel like I'm returning home, myself. I associate myself with birds, always have. The first time I stumbled across akkaiskotahkaayi it struck me. It felt like a million different signs. It felt like the world shifted, or like I'd had an epiphany and couldn't look at it the same way ever again. It still melts my heart to think about it, and I have no way to confirm it's even an accurate word.

I'm still at that horrible and depressing hitting-a-brick-wall-again-and-again phase of reconnection. I research for hours without making any progress and try to think of how to get relatives I barely speak to to tell me the things it seems like they want to the least. And I do all of this work while dreading actually making any headway, because headway means learning more details about something dark and horrible and heart-breaking that a women I never met but have always been compared to went through when she was younger than I am now. The one saving grace of my relationship with my grandmother was that she saw her mother in me: we looked just alike, we sang just alike. We had the same hair. All I know about her is these things about myself, though, because they changed her name. So I read books about our history and do research on my own and try and fail to muster confidence to actually talk to anyone that might be able to help me because I’m still so so so worried that I sticking my nose where it doesnt belong and trying to be something I’m not and aruging with myself because I know that’s stupid and I know I want get anywhere if I don’t take those steps and it has only ever worked out well when I have but like with all other things the fear just freezes me and I let time and oppurtunities slip by.

[not-tryin-2-have-a-debate]

originally dated june 13th 2019:

says he doesnt have any apetite when i ask if hes ate

complains that mom is telling him multiple stories about the car accident to cofnus him and keep him stupid

has been sitting here and talking to mom/to himself while im asleep right by him, angrily. ive been sleeping for like four hours and how no way of knowing how long he;’s been hee because this is like right where he was sitting when i fell asleep

doesnt seem to understand whats rationally going on

thinks mom is purposfully cutting him off from his friends? pulling grandma into the drama with nanny? talking about ending theirrelationship; hell be the total asshole, and then everyone will ‘see how hard she worked and not see the scratches’ (on him?)

just sitting there in the middle of the night shaking his leg, like visibly tense and angry

i heard him take  long draw off something while pretending to be asleep...couldnve been a cigaretet but doesnt sound like one

[not-tryin-2-have-a-debate]

originally dated jne 13th, 2019

doesnt seem to remember or understand or agree with why mo mtook the key to his car frm him

says she sotole it

chuckles at the idea of like ‘what would you do if i ‘stle it’? call the police because i stole your car?”

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sorry to my one friend that follows this blog i’m publishing the stuff in the drafts as of 4/8/25 so i can back up my teenage mental illness diary lmao.

originally dated 06/08/2019:

intervention plan:

-mom maybe should not come. it says it needs to be a motivating talk and people who currently have a bad relationship with the person shouldn’t attend

-have the discussion when he isnt high; early in the morning before he leaves for work is reccomended...........but also its apprently not good to have it at home. would it be too mean to have it at the botanical garden?

-make a script and practice what you want to say

-stay flexible and be prepared for weird reactions

-

[not-tryin-2-have-a-debate]

WHY have i just been fucking sobbing about everything for like a week and a half dude. i'm hoping my body is jsut still trained to school break schedule and recognizes this as it's safe time to break down. my mom was watching some mystery show with a lady that was like drugged and reliving her childhood trauma and at one point she asks to see her addicted mother and says "when is she going to take me home?" and i keep like blubbering about it. stop. stop

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smiles with serene detachment while all i predicted comes to pass

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hello gang-- @/yousefjehad0 dm'd me about his older brother, ahmed (@ahmad-syam-blog). ahmed's gfm appears on bees and watermelons list of verified/vetted campaigns (no. 171)

note: bees and watermelons is an instagram-based collective. they have already platformed youssef (see here); ahmed has yet to be spotlighted on their social media account since his campaign is very new (launched july 27th)

displacement strips families of their homes, valuable possessions, and sense of security. the move itself is costly- it takes money to pay for travel, then to purchase a new tent, etc. ahmed's family has forcibly been displaced 5 times

ahmed struggles to care for both his wife and newborn daughter. he cannot afford basic necessities such as milk and diapers. the sheer lack of supplies coupled with the high prices of, well, everything, has pushed new parents in gaza to the extremes. many have resorted to feeding their babies a "flour slurry" (cooked flour + water)

his family were present during the al-mawasi massacre-- miraculously escaped death-- and now are displaced in deir al-balah. please do what you can to help by sharing his message with your friends/loved ones + donating if you can

as of posting, ahmed's family has only received one donation ($5 CAD)

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im making this post to support the fundraiser of ahmed @yaminfamily who is very close to his goal but hasnt been making progress in the campaign lately. this is a verified campaign (264 on the vetted fundraiser list)

ahmed alanqar is fundraising for his wife and young children to escape gaza. unfortunately his old account @ahmedabuyamin was deleted by tumblr and he lost all of his followers and messages. for people who have already lost so much and are struggling to survive a genocide it is just such arbitrary cruelty to suddenly lose your main form of communication that might help you live. if you previously followed this campaign, follow their new account.

ahmed wrote in a recent post that he was almost hit by a stray bullet while in a tent with his family! so many people in gaza are living one second away from death at any time– its absolutely horrific and i really ask that people not be desensitized to these stories just because it has been going on for so long. in this same post, ahmed wonders if they will have to die in silence before someone notices them. please dont let that happen. people always think hypothetically about what they would do in times of injustice and genocide. this is something you can do. these fundraisers have the possibility of making a real difference for peoples lives. they only need to raise 9k more. please donate and if you cant, share with someone who can

€50,261 raised of €59,000

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Me when something happens to me and I don’t post about it on tumblr

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there's so much to do including so much i WANT to do but i have no idea how to structure that time so even the things i want just seem so overwhelming

i have an opportunity to speak and show work at a high school in october so i should plan around that but it's hard to teach myself how to transition to planning things out with my comfort and happiness in mind instead of putting all of that off all the time. i feel like i've been stuck in this exact same place since may....

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my friend that i had a very intense friendship with and like shared two jobs with and talked to and did schoolwork with all the time 24/7 is moving far away forever today :''(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( i'm very proud of them and i'm very sadddddd

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i love making my mom laugh. i told her stories until she went to bed and i feel so happy that my stomach hurts

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eooeiioieieoeoiieeioeieioeooeiieiuuuuuu

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i'm so worried there will be another pandemic. what will happen to the palestinians

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aurrrrrrrrrrrrrruahruuuuuuuuuuuuuhrhghghgggggggggggguuuuuuuuuuuhrgggggguraurhguharuhgurugaruugrhuhgrauuhauhguru

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it is weird when someone asks you if you've done something before or something similar and you earnestly don't know not because you don't remember but because you don't know if what you're remembering is real or a dream or what