notaimannoor

[notaimannoor]

A week ago I tried to end my life but woke up in the hospital instead. I know I should be grateful for the chances I've been given but when does it end?

[notaimannoor]

To anyone that finds this, know that I didn't have a choice. This year, this year took everything from me. I just can't give anymore.. I have nothing to give

[notaimannoor]

I deserve this. I deserve all this pain. I'm a piece of shit person and there's nothing I can do to change that.

[notaimannoor]

Cuts on my wrists just feel something.

[notaimannoor]

I thought I had something to look forward to. But I didn't. So now I really don't have anything to live for.

[notaimannoor]

I just don't want to suffer anymore

[notaimannoor]

It's not a desperate attempt for attention. It's an ultimatum.

[notaimannoor]

Im going to kill myself. It's happening on the 1st of September. I'm writing this not to seek attention or validation. If I wanted attention I would post this on my instagram or twitter where everyone can see. I'm not writing this to make her feel bad or anything. I'm done with her. I moved on. I think I have. But the scar she left me is too painful to bear. I admit some days I feel better than most. But that's just it. It's never going away. I'm over her but the pain is still there. That's proof enough. She broke me. And I can't be fixed. What made things worse was when I went to the people who promised me they'd be there for me they'd just shrug it off as heartbreak. They never listen. Sure they hear you talking and yapping and ranting but that's just it. They listen just to give their opinions on the matter. I don't need you to tell me what I already know. I've never felt more alone in my life. I know now how unimportant I am. How if I just disappeared nobody would ask or look for me. Because I tried it, I dissapeared for a whole week, no instagram no twitter no whatsapp. But nobody came looking. I guess I'm writing this so that anyone can prove me wrong. Prove to me that I actually cross your mind, that I'm important to someone, heck I'll even give you guys a chance. I'll put the link to this blog on my social media accounts. See if anyone cared enough to see what I've been blogging about. But I know that's not going to happen. So that's it. 1st of September. That's all the time I'm giving myself, because honestly, I am so tired. Label me as selfish, or irreligious I don't care. I've been in pain for too long and no one ever cared.

[notaimannoor]

It's happening again.

[notaimannoor]

Last Words.

I've broken up with her for half a year now. Although I've suffered from depression and anxiety way before I met her. The break up was a catalyst to my suicidal thoughts. It's not her fault. She found someone better. There's always going to be someone better than me. I've always known that. I guess I hoped that I'd get picked instead. I just hoped I get to be happy too.

I can't be happy. I tried, I really did. God knows how much money I spent on shoes and clothes and starbucks just to feel joy. But it never comes. I can't feel it. I don't know what else to do. I gave up. I can't get that feeling again. My happiness when I was with her. I could really have anything in the world but it couldn't amount to her company. Any money or property or material things I have I wanted to share it with her. All of this, worldy possession means nothing to me if I couldn't have her.

The thing is, I think I still have feelings for her. I still think she is the most beautiful and perfect person I have ever met. I still think I was blessed to have spent two years with her. I still fall for her smile. God, that beautiful smile. Her voice, her laugh, the way she pouts when she sulks. The way she smells. The way she screams when she's playing around with me. How excited she is when she talks about her nephews, and her cats, and her rabbits. There isn't anything wrong with her. I can't look at her flaws as flaws. Instead, I see her flaws as beautiful pieces that make up the perfect puzzle that she is.

Let's face it. Nothing really ever affects me than a relationship. It was the same with my first ex. God how embarrassed I was remembering how I went full psycho that time. But really that is my point. Spend enough time with me, and you know I'm just like any other person. I do try to be nice to everyone just like how momma taught me. I laugh at the same thing other people laugh. I do things like other people do. Pretty normal stuff. I was confident. I used to speak at pretty big events. International events. I was a peformer. I wasn't big. But we did performed at a lot of places. In front of a lot of different people. We actually opened for Aizat Amdan and peformed for the late Sultan of Perak. Pretty big event if you ask me. But I was never afraid, I was confident. I was brave. I could handle whatever life throws at me. Poverty, sickness, work, anything really. But when it comes to relationships, when it comes to breakups, fuck I become so weak.

People just handle things differently I guess. But if I ever put 110% into anything, it's gotta be my relationships. I'm a romantic. I'm a lover not a fighter. I like novels, not sports. I write poems, not kick balls. I hang out a lot with my friends, but I never talk about love stuff or quotes or anything. I'm the 'treat you like a princess' kind of guy. I'm the 'randomly buy you chocolates cause I want to' kind of guy. I like spending time with you and look at your pictures when I can't.

I'm not a bad person. Really. Yeah sure, I've been psychotic, desperate, straight up crazy these past few months. I'm not a reckless driver, I don't have road rage. But these past few months I am, and I do. But honestly what happened really changed me. I saw what it did to myself. The negativity and bad traits building up inside me because of it. This is not me. I don't like what I've become. But I don't know how to stop it.

I'm a loyal person. Maybe it is bad. Fuck, it is bad. But honestly it isn't if this was last year. It's bad because she doesn't feel the same way. It's bad because this love is destroying me. If we were still in a relationship it isn't bad is what I'm trying to say. I did try to get over it. Over her. Met a lot of girls, went here and there. Did things I always wanted to do. Bought things I always wanted to buy. But nothing. Nothing really fills this empty hole inside me.

I do wish things ended differently. I do wish I was strong enough, but I'm not. I do love everybody, I am grateful for everything I have. But I'm just not happy. I'm not living. I'm just breathing and surviving. I wish I could say these things and not be labeled repetitive, or ungrateful, or desperate, or attention seeking. If I could stop feeling like this, if I could stop loving her, I would. But I can't. God damn it I can't. Fuck I can't okay? Please understand that I did everything I can. But honestly, aku sentap gak dengan the reaction of some people closest to me, who I consider friends and family. When I opened up. You know who you are I guess. But I want it to stop I want this to stop. Enough. I gave up a long time ago. But I set out that my family could celebrate raya with me one last time. And I survived. God knows how hard it is to survive. Really, it took everything I have to survive each and every day. But I'm tired, and I'm done.

I prepared everything. I settled my debts. I put all my passwords of all my accounts on social media on my phone's notes. So that anyone can deactivate them. Fuck, I am scared. But I really want this. I've thought about this every day for the past 6 months.

I always thought of myself as a writer. But a writer, a poet is supposed to convey emotions through their literature. Make people feel something. I realised that I couldn't even do that. I guess I am a failed writer too. Last words? I honestly don't know what I want to be my last words. All I could think of is ending my life. I don't expect anyone to uderstand, I don't really care. I'm just going to be that guy who killed himself. I guess my last words would be a request. To anyone who reads this I guess, not that I expect anyone to. Think about all the good times you had with me, instead of the emotional fuck up I was in recent months. Think of me that way, remember me like that, the happy Aiman. Because I think about him all the time.

[notaimannoor]

Don't be fooled by my recent optimistic attitude. I still feel suicidal. I'm just faking.

[notaimannoor]

I wish things were different. I wish I didn't feel like this. I wish I was different. I wish someone notice I was gone. I wish someone cared.

[notaimannoor]

“You said “Forever”, and I almost bought it.”

— k.b. // gracie abrams - i miss you, i’m sorry

[notaimannoor]

“It was the first time in my life that somebody made me feel beautiful without saying anything.”

— k.b. // you made feel beautiful

[notaimannoor]

It's raya, and I just had a panic attack. It's the happiest day in the year for us muslims and I wanted to hurt myself. Then, my friends videocalled me so I had to wipe off my tears and I guess I'm alright now. I just didn't know what would've happened if they didn't.

[notaimannoor]

“Daydreaming about one day holding your hand in mine.”

— k.b. // holding your hand would be great right now

[notaimannoor]

You know, despite all that's happened. I look back and I think to myself, what we had was magical. Yeah it ended, and it still hurts and there's a million things I wish I did do and didn't do. But what we had was beautiful. I've never felt anything like it. I'm so sorry it ended the way it did, and I'm sorry for what came after, what I became after. But our time together was something out of a fairytale and god knows what I'd give to have that feeling again.