notaliveuntilyourliving - Tumblr blog

[notaliveuntilyourliving]

I am white. I am a woman. And I would say I am as privileged as any other white women can be. I will never truly, definitively, or spiritually understand the fears and horrors that my black friends and colleagues endure on a daily basis.

2020 sure is giving us all hell right now, but the loss of an innocent life out of sure ignorance infuriates me. I agree that all lives matter, but I see and understand that this isn’t about all lives. This is about the lives of our black friends and colleagues. This is about understanding the truth of our nation. This is about listening to them, understanding them and believing in them. I am undeniably disappointed is the acts that have occurred over the last week throughout the country and in Atlanta.

I see that you are mad, upset and outraged. I understand that you feel you have no other way right now. I hear that you want there to be change. I know exactly what it feels like to think you have no other way. I have been in the position of feeling so angry that only punching or kicking or throwing something will make me feel even the slightest bit better. I GET THAT.

However, I do want to express how disappointed I am while watching citizens of my own city destroy it. What was supposed to be a peaceful protest escalated into endangering the lives of MORE innocent people. As much as I understand and know the feeling of wanting to get violent, I know there are other ways of going about the situation.

For example: I am continuously outraged by the poaching and illegal animal trafficking that occurs across the global. Something that affects billions of lives everyday. SOMETHING THAT CAUSED THE PANDEMIC THAT HAS US GOING STIR CRAZY. But it has always been preached that proper education of the coming generations is ultimately the BEST way to create change. Earlier today I watched a video of a black police officer express his sincere disappointment in the citizens of Atlanta and he preached that education needs to prioritize this. THAT is what needs to happen. THAT is how we can make a difference. Children are our future but we are the ones who mold them. Nurture is just as important as nature.

Those who know me know I typically do not participate in politics. This isn’t about politics though. This is about human lives who are being forced to live in fear. I am nervous to post this, but that nervousness will never compare to the fear my black friends live in every single day. I want to be a voice as well as a listening ear. I hear you. I see you. I understand you. But most importantly, I believe you.

Hoping we can figure out how to live together peacefully but right now things are not looking so great. Hoping this is like healing a scab; it gets worse before it gets better. There is so much going on in the world today that it is hard to comprehend it all, but we are in this together.

[notaliveuntilyourliving]

the worst thing in the world is when you say somethign as a joke and everyones like. “hey. thats not normal. are you ok?”  please stop psychoanalysing me im clown i dont have emotions 

[notaliveuntilyourliving]

Mount Rainier National Park in Washington is a place to let your spirit and feet run wild. From the hub of Rainier’s snow-capped peak, miles of trails spread out across the backcountry, offering endless adventures and stunning views. Like walking through rooms in nature’s mansion, you can stroll through an alpine meadow past a shimmering blue lake before hiking over a mountain pass into a deep evergreen forest. Every turn is a surprise and every moment is a treasure. Photo courtesy of Albert Yang.

[notaliveuntilyourliving]

[notaliveuntilyourliving]

[notaliveuntilyourliving]

tbh seeing jenna marbles living her best life at 33 is really comforting when you’re in your 20s and completely lost

[notaliveuntilyourliving]

excerpt from mortal hearts // L.H.Z

[notaliveuntilyourliving]

[notaliveuntilyourliving]

[notaliveuntilyourliving]

NDJDJFJUDIIEKIE

[notaliveuntilyourliving]

HONESTLY rice terraces are one of the most sophisticated and aesthetically beautiful forms of agriculture, if you haven’t seen what they look like, ur missing out

[notaliveuntilyourliving]

we could sit in a car for 2 hours and talk about life, and that’s a date right there

[notaliveuntilyourliving]

[notaliveuntilyourliving]

if trees could talk i’d probably get emotionally attached to them

[notaliveuntilyourliving]

Journal #9

(Fair warning for anyone {no one} who might actually read my stupid journals but this is a long one) Last time I was here writing to you, I was wallowing in self-pity for no apparent reason. Which is normal I presume. It is good to keep yourself in check with reality when it seems things are going so swimmingly. And things are just that - going swimmingly. 

Last time, I mentioned my best friend’s wedding, which has become one of the most magical nights to me. We cried we laughed, we danced. I did not think I was going to cry since I’m not much of a public crier, but boy did I bawl when I watched her husband-to-be choke up at the sight of his wife-to-be float down the aisle. She was stunningly perfect that night, so I get why he did. But at the mere glimpse of his reaction, I couldn’t help myself. The waterworks came rushing. It was a beautiful tiny moment of pure happiness. It wasn’t until that I knew what I wanted. I want someone who chokes up at the look of me walking towards them to be with them for the rest of our lives... I’m gonna get a little crazy here now because this is where my mind is going but I just thought - what if the person I marry dies before me?!? I do not know if I could handle that... even if it is after 50 years together knowing I still may have 30 years to go.. 

Anyway back to that magical night. I went into this wedding weekend with a completely free spirit. I was ready to party and have fun as a young 20-something-year-old. Point-blank, I wanted to make out with a boy. I had one prospect in mind. His name is Wilson. He is tall, (not very dark, quite the opposite actually) but is very handsome with an insanely contagious smile. He was a groomsman who became friends with the groom through journalism school. For some reason, I was warned that he might be a player, but upon getting to know him, I didn’t catch that vibe at all. Regardless, my goal for the weekend was to kiss him. 

We started talking at the rehearsal dinner, some flirting, some joking around. I think at this point we both knew then that we were into each other. The next day we did a lot of flirting and dancing together at the reception. Two of my fellow bridesmaids decided to pop the question to him, “which bridesmaid are you interested in?” and If I am being honest, not so shockingly, he said me. So all the other single bridesmaids and groomsmen decided it was best if we all went out for drinks after the reception. I think the goal really was to just get Wilson and I together though. Everyone knew we were interested in each other. I like that thought though, that everyone wanted us to get together, so they tried to make it happen. Anyway, we all went out and of course Wilson and I pretty much just sat together the whole time and talked nonstop. By the end of the night, we were sitting on some bar stools on the patio of what I believe to be the dingiest bar in the Virginia Highlands making out at 2AM. “Damn is he good kisser!” I kept thinking. Hell, I would have taken him home that night to show him how I really felt if I hadn't had to get up and go to work the next day. But I’m glad I didn’t, because otherwise, I don’t think we would be where we are now if I had. He drove me back to my car and asked for my number and out on a date for later that week. 

Our first date was essentially a sweet old Taylor Swift song. The one that goes “Walked in expecting you’d be late, but you got here early and you stand a wave.” To make it more surreal it really was a “Wednesday in a cafe” when he threw back his head laughing like a little kid and I really had spent the last eight months thinking “all love ever does is brake and burn and end.” AND to take it even further, I really did think about bringing up my ex, but he started talking about the movies his family watches every single Christmas. I quite literally felt like I was experiencing it Begin Again. 

But as always, there is a twist. He lives 9 hours away in Baton Rouge. We went on three more dates out of convenience of him having to be in Atlanta. And I could feel us liking each other more each time. Our hugs are like nothing I have ever felt before. He gives the best kisses with an array of soft gentle foreheads kisses to I don’t want you to leave me kisses. How am I supposed to just let how I am feeling go just because he lives in a different city? I’m such a hopeless romantic... but we made plans. I was gonna visit him. 

A month and a half later, here I am, sitting in my bed at home writing this stupid ass real love story the day after I got home from spending the last 48 hours or so hours with him. I don’t see myself letting this go. So, we shall see where this goes. 

I know I’ve written so many stupid posts and journals about my love affairs over the past year, but this one just feels so good. I’m terrified and full of butterflies. And he is the same. That’s the difference.