notarealredhead-blog1

[notarealredhead-blog1]

I'm a Fucking Unicorn

So I’ve gotta do a bit of updating, apparently holidays are a time for Crystal to come out (finally named my alterego).

Birthday aftermath- I was having a tough night post ridiculous birthday antics and got my tinder on, met a Brazilian and had some what I imagine to be typically South American fun. (Had some soreness with number twos that week).

Friday- Returned from nice relax and saw the Brazilian again, this time I could not quite handle his sexual appetite, after number two I just had to ask for a cool down, we were talking about sexual fantasies and I said mine has always been to have a threesome. He suggested we search for one together.

Saturday- At this point I’ve been messaging Tina, a girl from tinder for some time (thought I’d give all things a go these hols) and she wants to hang out. I’m at an event hearing about how my premiscuous friend and her partner use an app 3nder (yes threesome tinder) to have all their threesomes. I have every intention of going home at 1230 then suddenly it is 10am and I’m walking out of revolver. On way out from club I share cab with AFL player and almost get him to sleep with me.

Sunday- Doom day, running on no sleep and unable to sleep I download 3nder, I play all day and rack up some pretty sexy couples who wanna do pretty sexy things to me. I’m excited, I set a date for Thursday with Mr and Miss.

Monday- I finally meet up with Tina, we have coffee in the morning then dinner in the afternoon, she is 21 and very mature and hippiesk we drink wine talk about life then make out on the couch, I give her nips a lil suckle for fun times.

Tuesday- Whilst baby sitting, a hot solo guy from 3nder and I get chatting about the app and its prospects. He comes over that night to give me a demo of how he would bang should we have a threesome. It's not bad.

Wednesday- rest.

Thursday- Mr and Miss want to confirm with me and I think, fuck it, what’s one more for the week? I meet Mr at a bar as Miss is running late. It is about a 5/10 tinder date we are awkward and dry. Then the the beautiful Texan Miss arrives and the date becomes a 10/10 with Mr also improving as a human. With his new confidence after wine no2 he says ‘Shall we go back to ours?’ So off we go in the Jeep. At theirs we have more wine until finally Mr says ‘Shall we go to the bedroom?’ We all start undressing each other, go to the bedroom, kisses are dispursed evenly, Mr and I are gone down on, it makes a kind of rotation from theree, yup me giving to both parties. Fun times are had by all, I jump in an uber and go home.

So yep, I love 3 threesomes, I have had an outrageous holidays, I have not one single regret, and I thought I’d better share all that with any of you who give a shit!

OH: and I learnt; the additional girl outside of the relationship in a threesome, is called a 'Unicorn’. Guys, I’m a fucking unicorn!!!!

XOXO

[notarealredhead-blog1]

Wear a Dress and Don't Change Your Panties

Okay so this story is very X-rated. I tossed up whether to actually share it as I know there will be varying opinions on my choices around the event. But if I am to become a TV show then full disclosure is a must.

Day following last post (on weird date, ex sitting across from me etc). I get a text from The Pilot ‘how was your date last night spicy?’. Typical crazy assed bastard has to let it be known that he knows I was on a date but it doesn’t phase him and I’ll prove it by calling you a pet name and talking to you patronisingly.

Anyway a series of replies followed, went along the lines of me calling him a stalker and attempting to make him jealous by not imparting the fact that I hastily got rid of the ass liking weirdo.

One thing lead to another and next thing I know he asks me if I feel like being dominated, to which I reply, of course, then he is on his way to pick me up requesting that I ‘wear a skirt and don’t change my panties’.

I hop into the car with his delicious smelling self and he promptly demands I take off my 'panties’ and give them to him. He cradles them in his hands as we drive to an unknown location with my heart doing mother flippin triple pikes.

We get to the beach and his domineering attitude has made a noticeable shift, we walk along he shore, undiless, and he says the things that he had wanted to do to me; get me naked in a park, tie his belt around me and fuck me...but he no longer thinks he can do these things because seeing me just brings back hard memories. I tell him he’s gotta be fucking joking, he cannot say such erotic things and then not go through with them. We sit on the park bench and he does some inappropriate things with his hands far too close to potential public view, again. Then AGAIN he makes like he cannot go on with this charade so we walk and I get very angry at him and push him onto the sand.

I then tell him that I will be going to the toilet, he says okay I’ll wait here, to which I slap him a 'you will fucking not’ glare from the eyes. He obediently follows in behind me and locks the door. Turns out me telling him what to do riles him up and he has a surge of dominance again.

Next thing I know I am as described; naked, tied up with a belt and being banged over a very questionable toilet to which I choose not to look into whilst in compromising positions.

The session ends abruptly and he collects all of my clothes and hands me only my jacket. I ask if I’m allowed to zip my jacket up, which I am. I saunter back to the car with my bottom quite exposed and we get back into the car.

Then disaster strikes we are back in the car and aparently post domination is the time to discuss the reasons behind the break down of our relationship. It goes on and on and honestly Im not saying much 'nooo we can’t go back to what we were’ 'yeass I’m sure he really liked me’ bla bla bla BLA over it. We get to mine and I jump out of the car, lean over to him and say 'I know we can’t be in a relationship but I really like having a belt tied around me and fucked in toilets soooo call me again.’

[notarealredhead-blog1]

Don't Date Self Proclaimed Ass Lickers. Just Modest Ones.

HELLO I’M NOT A REAL RED HEAD AND IF SOMEONE DOESNT GIVE ME A TV SHOW OR SIGN ME UP FOR A BOOK CONTRACT STAT THEYRE A FOOL.

8pm rushing out of the house for date with super fucked up sexual talking , self proclaimed deep ass licker and pussy worshiper. Get to date, man is shorter than hoped but no bother. Ask if we should get a beer, ass licker says ‘I don’t drink beer’.

Strike 1. We stand up to go get me a beer, whilst walking ass licker brings up some sexual inuedo we have previously been discussing over text, something about my panties being wet. Like woahhhh buddy, I'm a dirty bitch via text and in the comfort of my home but not at a fucking bar, well not with him. I deflect dirty comment with sideways glance that says ‘don’t say that shit to me at a bar in front of real people’.

Strike 2. We sit down, he continues to attempt erotic conversation, I’m deflecting better than Williams in an intense set of tennis. Eventually trying to make normal conversation I mention that I play soccer, ass licker says 'ooh so your thighs are strong to hold yourself on top of my face….at this retarded moment I have completely tuned out. BECAUSE, WALKING IN THE DOOR IS NONE OTHER THAN THE MOTHER FUCKING THE PILOT AND HIS FAMILY.

For those not entirely in the loop, The Pilot is my most recent completely psycho X, who is still messaging me to this day but refuses to see me or date me because it’s 'too unfair’.

The family sit two fucking seats away from us with The Pilot and I’s chairs literally facing each other. Ass licker asks what has happened as I've completely tuned out of his D-grade public erotica and I tell him my X has just sat down behind him. To which he responds 'who is more attractive?’ STRIKE 8 MOTHER FUCKER YOU ARE COOKED.

To ass lickers credit he and I attempt to solider through the date, he does have an interesting career and tells me I smell nice, though he’d hoped I’d smell of 'wetness’. I literally consider sleeping with the guy just to get out of the pub and because really hes not thattttt bad, nice face, surely good in bed?

I go to the toilet and text the girls, tell them wtf is up and they tell me to immediately abort mission. Upon returning to the table tell ass licker we're leaving, compeltey avoiding The Pilots eye range, ass-licker give me a 'yeahhhhh lets goooo’ look and we walk out. Outside I say 'I’m sorry man but this just can’t happen, I thought I was okay with seeing my X but I’m just not’. He is understanding, tries to kiss-change my mind, I am un-whelmed, walk home, scream over the phone and write this.

Your sincerely, my life is TV show and I’m not a real red head.

[notarealredhead-blog1]

I've Been Told I Should Start Documenting My Stories

An update on what I’m considering titling: the Disastrous dating tales of a not real redhead. As many of you may know my most recent ‘love’ the hot af pilot/psycho and I recently ended. It came as a surprise because things were really heating up, only the weekend before the end he took me too a nudist beach and secretly fingered me on the towel whilst shrivelled schlongs and bonucing boosms passed by us. The erotica of that public act lead us to banging in the back of his van, which then lead to a romantic dinner of fish and chips. Things were seemingly heading down relationship road! But then... I decided to get a copper IUD put in (they are the fricking best I can't recommend enough), and though I wasn't 'getting it for him and I', like I really wasn't but I kind of was you now? We were both clean and I was sick of either risk-taking or the shitty need to whip a condom out in a heated moment. After the procedure he had promised to come and bring me takeaway but then he bailed. This total shit bloke act catapulted me out of my 'love eyed' bubble I had been in and reminded me he was not going to be my boyfriend, or be the boyfriend I need, ever. And so I ended it, we met at Grill'd, classy, small talked awkwardly until I got to the crunch and in a flood of tears declared “I’m need to be with someone who wants to be with me!!!”.

Quite Shakespearean of me don't you think?

Lucky for me a past tinder fellow reemerged, I had someone to focus on and I was excited. I went on the date and he was not the Dev Patel look alike I had so hoped for, nor was he anything else that I had conjured him to be in my mind. For one he was short, and for two our date was walking around the fucking tan with me listening to how much he had gotten baked with his mates recently oh and looking at about 25 pictures of his pet turtle. Needless to say when we got to the side of the tan with my tram line, I hopped on. He messaged me the next day saying ‘you’re great when can I see you again?’ To which I replied ‘I didn’t really feel a spark so probably not seeing each other is better’.

#honestypolicy

This let down, mainly of my own expectations, has got me really questioning why I ended it with pilot and so to deter from messaging him I tinder hard.

I come across a nice looking fellow and he asks me out to dumplings at 830pm on Sunday night. I’m tired and ceebs but I always say I love spontanatey so I go. He picks me up and as soon as I get in the car he is a delight, hilarious, playing great music, instant banter, yada yada. We go to dinner and he eats but I just drink, I’ve already had dinner, theres great banter and chemistry all round. He goes to pay and realises he's left his wallet is in car, I say "All good just transfer me". We walk to get gelati he puts hand around waist, it's all heating up, we get the picture. We get our gelati and he hands his card over, “sorry we only take cash”, I lol and give the woman my money, he says never mind I’ve got the next night out. We chat for ages till he drives me home, we continue to chat a bit and then as I go to leave the car he grabs my face and tongues me like an excitable P-plater, but in a good way. I escape his mouth and say goodnight, he says I’ll see you on the weekend.

I’m feeling pretty good, I let Monday roll by expecting a message on tinder as no phone numbers had been exchanged. None roll in so I send him a 'Hey last night was fun, heres my number for real world communication’. NO RESPONSE. NO TEXT. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MEN. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MY JOKE OF A DATING LIFE.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA #tolaughorcry