notesfrommysoulx-blog

[notesfrommysoulx-blog]

//letting go & healing

if I could pour my heart out and show you all the things I’m holding in it. If I could continue writing things knowing I’d let you read it. If I wasn’t trying to grow as a person and be the bigger person by not saying how I feel...

I would tell you. I would tell you that you were the last person on earth I’d believe could do this. I’d let you know I feel like you really haven’t changed at all. I’d remind you of the promises and moments even though they’ve lost there meaning.

I’d tell you I’m confused, my words would say I’m hurting and you’d ask me why?

I’d reply telling you that I would of preferred the strong concocted speeches of how this was meant to be stay locked away from me. I would preferred you never kissed me or told me you’d been waiting. I wish that those moments you spent holding me and making me feel safe were just in my imagination or a wonderful dream.

Many years of friendship and I never thought you could be this cold. I just wish what ever the problem was or however you felt.. you’d realise years of friendship means I can take it. I’m not scared of the truth and you won’t hurt me but to leave and You’ve found another, without a word to me.. meanwhile Id just started accepting that what you had be saying was reality.

The sad part is, when she asks about me you’ll say I never meant much at all. You’ll forget the years of us growing together trying to find who we were. you were the person I looked up to. I’m angry because I’m throwing this away because it’s my time to grow. I’m glad the universe planned for you to have happiness but please I honestly pray.. don’t forget me, because a friend to you I’ll always be. 🌙

#writing #loss #ending #imokay #venting #understanding

[notesfrommysoulx-blog]

not sure where the roads going to take me from here, or what trials I’ll continue to face. don’t know when I got so damaged I mean I know where it all started.. but how deep does this pain go?

did it start by the unnecessary bullying, the longing to be accepted I carried all through school?

maybe it began when my mother lost hers, the family started crumbling? or is it the fact it didn’t take long for my dad to find another?

can I feel the pain of the empty hole in my organ that keeps me living from when dad got married deciding we were too much to handle and a life with her would be better?

am I mad because I went to Africa and feel like I can hardly remember, the beautiful souls and country that gave so much hope to me when I was there to try change their world?

it’s got to be the fact that when I was gone, god decided to take the man who raised us, up to heaven where he can watch over us ever so closely? he was my mother’s father.

possibly feeling the hurt of losing what felt like part of my being, was enough to send me to that empty place where hell had to of been better..

Fortunately god sent me a message he knew I desperately needed. I chose to keep breathing and move forward a little further.

okay, i admit it.. it still hurts knowing that looking in his eyes back when high school had just begun would mean we’d find our way back together. we had another shot.

maybe I’m angry cause I didn’t hold on when I knew my grip should of been fastened. I let my first love go.

I’m utterly shattered that later someone would come along only for me to be almost possessed by every word he said, only for him to chose another without letting us speak or telling me it was over.

I’m disgusted and horrified that one more time I’d find someone, the person who made it feel new, I had no questions, no doubts with him. It was perfect. this isn’t even the part that hurts me as much as you’d assume it would.

I’m in shock we found out we were going to have a little one, only to find out god needed them too.

but what absolutely shatters me, really shatters me? what tears my heart out little piece by little piece? what scares me more than you’ll ever imagine?

I’ll tell you, through all my life journeys and past lessons I’ve come to learn the one thing that terrifies the deep pits of my soul is maybe this is it. maybe my heart was destined to be puzzle with multiple missing pieces. Maybe every time I get close to another or something that gives me purpose I’ll lose it.

I’m petrified that all those magical moments, all those promises were meant to fade away.. it may be dramatic but it’s like a dagger, it’s unbearably overwhelming because I know now it was all just a lesson.

#firstpost #mysoulinwords #deepestsecrets #desires #feelings #writing #myoutlet #heartwords #notesfrommysoul 🤍