notestothewriter

[notestothewriter]

I’m not sure this is the best way forward for me. I think writing anything to you will make a bad situation worse; a situation that doesn’t really affect you much, I’d imagine, but one that affects me. So, it’s important to write it down either for closure or for an explanation to you.

I realise how odd this must be for you. We’ve never met. We’ve never really spoken. I’ve made some passing comments on social media but you’ve not reacted (search #rmj on twitter for a real lol). You did react once, and it made my day. So, to get random messages (often nonsense) from a faceless profile must have been strange. To be wished happy birthday by someone you don’t know must be weird. I get that. And I get that reading this must be equally weird.

I noticed you in passing once, when I was nearby where I think you live by coincidence (you showed up on Near By on Grindr). This was maybe three years ago. You were 29.

Your beauty almost killed me.

You had some social media links, so I learned a bit about you. Your name, what you do, where your passion lies, what little history you’ve made available. This was all public facing information, by the way. Maybe I’m trying to justify how I know these things. I read your twitter (a lot of it) and looked at your Instagram. You interested me, you’re intriguing. And so funny. I just wanted to get to know you but I had a difficult time expressing that properly.

I don’t think I became obsessed, nor did I build up some unattainable picture of you in my head. I was careful of those things because then, if one day we met face-to-face, I didn’t want to risk comparing you to something that doesn’t exist. I always had this picture of the “perfect man” in my head, the guy I always wanted to end up with at whenever point in the future. He never was this some unimaginable ideal, more like a set of characteristics that I thought were interesting. He had dark hair, was my height, my age, had interesting eyes, was way smarter than me, had a nice name. He had the wilderness at heart. Introspective. You checked all these boxes – not that I was analysing you or measuring you, just appreciating what I saw.

I don’t know if you believe in “signs”. I do to an extent, more like a guidance. I was probably seeing patterns in things that weren’t really there. Patterns or chaos, I liked how it felt, like I was gearing up to eventually get to know you. You felt like you were worth the wait. I was in the gym once and put music on shuffle and a song came on that was such a telling moment for me. It was ‘Alone’ by Heart and that song just rang true, it felt like the universe was saying there was something there.

I explained to a couple of close friends that I was feeling something unique and nicely strange to me, that a guy I noticed was very interesting, more so than before. We’ve all met guys on Grindr or wherever, and we have a normal, measured reaction to the people there; “this guy is nice, let’s see what happens”, “I don’t feel the thing here, let’s move on”. With you, it was different. I don’t know how to explain it properly. It felt more; different; not wrong. I didn’t say anything properly to you at the time. I didn’t want the first place I spoke to you to be something like Grindr. I wanted to meet you in person first, casual-yet-set-up in person; meet-cute-able; hey-I-bought-this-book-do-you-like-this-book-too-maybe-we-can-go-out-and-talk-about-this-book.

I don’t think you even knew I existed or that I was admiring you; maybe you did. It was my waiting because I figured a guy like you probably wouldn’t be interested in a guy like me, at least from a physical perspective and I wanted to change that first to make the best play I could – I realise some body image issues now and I’ve gotten over them and I am working hard on changing them. Partly, it was to become a guy you’d find more in your league. I don’t pretend to know what kind of man you like but a quick look through social media led me to believe I’d have more of a shot if I was in the gym more, looking after myself more. So, I started doing that. Hello, bench press. I’m doing it more for myself now (I was told it’s dangerous to do something like that for other people, especially people you’ve never met) but if another guy finds that a good thing then that’s just icing. At the start of May, I had a change of mind and felt less body-image oriented and more about being a grown up. Still working hard on changing what I don’t like but also not being ashamed of what I am and what has been.

I got tired of waiting for myself to approach you at that time. Previously, I wanted the time when I approached you to be when the stars aligned; if I was going to make a play for you, I wanted to do it properly (even if over Grindr…), I wanted to be top of my game, I wanted to be muscular, wearing a tight top, beard sculpted, smelling good, contact lenses in, you know the jam; first date kind of level. People can pretend looks aren’t important and that body-type isn’t important but you need to feel the thing, right? But I got tired of waiting. So, I just did it, I bit the bullet, uploaded a selfie for the first time in many years, sent you a message. I realise that I hit you with a whole lot of crap you probably didn’t need or want to hear. Equally, I didn’t want to open with “Hey, how are you?”. I missed the mark though; I shouldn’t have laid all that on you then. Maybe “hey” was a better idea.

I just wanted to let you know that someone had been thinking about you, that someone liked what he saw a lot. I can appreciate some of my behaviour might have come across strange. I bought two books you wrote stories in, is that weird? I quoted one of them back to you and tried to plug the other on the net, is that strange to you? I wanted to help you succeed. Not that you need my help, you’re doing fine on your own for what you do (what you really do).

There seemed to be much more point to writing this when I started. I wanted to explain to you. Like I had to justify stuff to you. I realise this might make it worse. I’m not saying I want to get married and live happily ever after, nor do we have to be some sort of movie love. I just wanted to put words on a page.

I just wanted to get to know you. Wouldn’t it be a shame if nobody did?

I’m just a guy who likes what he sees more than he knows what to do with or more than he has before. I get that it’s probably unrequited but at the same time, you don’t know me and I’d appreciate a chance, even digitally, just to be pals. What can I tell you; I’m a bit older than you, a bit taller, born and raised in Edinburgh, I like to be creative and I like to play my music loud during sociable hours. I’m working hard on dieting and building at the gym, where I go four times a week. I do a bit of yoga on the other days but I’m not very flexible. Lately, I’m working on being more of a “grown up”, my own car, my own flat, my own job. Usual grown up things like paying taxes. I love deeply and feel hard, the people I care about are everything to me. I have a cat called Stormy. I have an odd obsession with the Moon.

Having you in my life seems better than not. You blow my mind. If you’ve nothing to say to me, I get that. Again, I’m not doing myself any favours here – just a shot in the dark. If this does nothing, I’ll try once more in a couple of years when I’m closer to being a buff gentleman. If you’re still single, then. But then, I want you to be happy, so however that looks for you is good with me. I just hope we could at least be friends.

That’s it. As you don’t like being ghosted after the third date, I too would appreciate even a “I’ve read what you wrote now fuck off”. Better than sitting wondering and not knowing.

Daniel.

[notestothewriter]

Dear Ross,

A while ago, I had a dream about you. We were just driving around, going nowhere in particular that I remember, you were playing music - the dj - and I was driving. It felt right.

I’ve started making a present for my mother’s 50th; a sort-of collage style memory book of things we have in common. Many of the pages have backgrounds of watercolour that I’m painting myself and it’s so enjoyable. I think I will start trying to paint a bit more myself. I can’t draw but I’ll try out some of this watercolour lark and see what it’s like. It’s vital to create.

[notestothewriter]

Some day we'll meet face to face and I'll be born again, you'll be born again.

[notestothewriter]

Jun 14 2017, 15:24

Dear Ross,

It’s been a little while since I’ve written anything for you. I am concerned that I have built this picture of you in my head which is unobtainable but when I sit to consider what it is, I don’t think it’s too unrealistic. I think that’s the danger of not knowing you, only knowing what you let be known on things that I can see. From that, I think you’re perfect. 

I read your story, Fireworks, in a magazine. I enjoyed it, I loved the metaphor of memory as cinema that ran throughout it.

I have been thinking about signs. I’ve always been in two minds about whether there are “signs” for things from the universe. On one hand, a scientific nature suggests that things aren’t there to give us guidance, they just happen. The universe or “God” or whatever may be there (if anything, but that’s another topic) isn’t “sending” signs. On the other hand, some of the signs I have been seeing, hearing, experiencing just seems too much to be a coincidence. My friend, Calum, and I were listening to “Alone” by Heart, a song we both love. The lyrics are so applicable to how I think of you. I never really bothered with wanting a relationship, needing that someone else. Then I was at a concert, alone, I think in April. Loreena McKennitt. It was great and I’m glad I went, but I couldn’t help but feel something - someone - was missing from it. 

I love my friends and they are brilliant, but lately, I feel that another would be a good thing. To come to concerts and hold hands. To go on an adventure with. Someone to come home to. Someone to love. I think it’s an age thing. Things seem to shift as you get older.

But signs. So, I started associating “Alone” with you as it felt an appropriate song. Then, I started hearing it everywhere. At work, on the radio. I have it on my playlists on Spotify and I’d be on the treadmill jamming, then I’d think about what you might be doing... and then it comes on shuffle. No joking. I asked Anise and she said she believes in signs. 

Signs or science, somebody somewhere is telling me to ask you out. In time. Have to make a good play, has to be worth it. I mean, you’re worth it, I just need to match up to that. 

One day maybe you can take time out, be a kept man, and just write.

[notestothewriter]

Apr 29th, 2017 - 23:00

Dear Ross,

I tried writing a poem based on your death. Not in a “hey die” way, just in a way of what it would be like if we were together that long, and how I imagine it would feel to lose you. I suck at poetry apparently.

[notestothewriter]

Dear Ross,

Now that I’m close to finishing my Masters, I’m starting to reflect on doing it in the first place. I always felt that I should go as far as I can in education because it is such a gift to have, to be able to get a good, full education is rare in many places in the world, and so I felt like I should take advantage of the fact I can. Plus, being a student is an easy life…

On one hand, I’m glad I’ve done it. Well “done” it. It’s not finished yet and my exams could go horribly wrong, of course. Assuming I pass everything fine, then I will be glad I’ve done it. I suppose I should wait to reflect until it’s all done.

You have starred in all of my day dreams.

[notestothewriter]

Dear Ross,

I messaged you on Scruff over the last couple of days. You didn’t reply. It was a little bit of a set back for me but I’m not so worried, or at least I’m telling myself not to be worried about it because I didn’t have a photo up and most people won’t reply to such messages if they can’t clearly see the other person. I thought you’d not be that guy but I can appreciate why. Calum said he would do the same and not reply to a faceless message. Maybe one day soon it will be a bit more natural for you to respond.

[notestothewriter]

12 April 2017 14:54

Dear Ross,

I think that one of humanity’s purposes on the earth is to be its caretakers. We are meant to be akin to an elaborate janitor. Of course, cutting down trees, not doing the recycling and killing much more than we need takes away from this purpose. So does hunting things into extinction. I’m sure I read about a species of rhino that went extinct recently and it was almost purely down to human hunters who wanted to loot its horns or something. Pointless.

I saw an amazing video today where a shark “asked” human divers for help (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FIIO5smSjVk). The shark had got rope tangled around itself and it was cutting into its skin (do sharks have skin?) in a way that was causing it pain. It came to the divers, subdued, and allowed them to remove the rope. You see these things a lot, there’s a reason you see them, videos and pictures of people rolling beached dolphins back into the sea, cleaning birds caught in oil spills, helping cats and ducks to cross roads.

It seems to me that one reason for our intelligence level is so we can care for the world and look after it; mop the floors and free caught animals, dust the ornaments and save abandoned kittens.

I know a lot of the bad things that happen will happen because of us, and some things are just nature’s way where we shouldn’t interfere. There are two foxes outside our flat who kill bunnies because they’re hungry. I’ve wrestled with whether I should scare the foxes away from killing the bunnies or just let it happen because that’s just the way of nature. I think the first time I heard it happening (absolute blood-curdling bunny screams) I went and scared the foxes away but it was too late for the, now dead, bunny. It happened a second and third time, again the same horrifying screams of prey becoming prey and I felt like it was a bit of a losing battle. My flatmate said it was the food chain in action, which I knew.

Are you allergic to cats?

[notestothewriter]

April 10th 2017, 13:03

Dear Ross,

You’re not the wind, you’re the tree and the way it sighs. You’re not the ocean, you’re the waves and the crash on the shores.

You are what they call a human season. You are all the alphabet in one. You are every colour of confusion. You are all the silence I’ve become.

I’d like Sarah Slean to play “One Who Adores You” at our wedding, for our first dance. Like, live, she has to actually be there.

I’m trying to source your writing but I can’t find it.

[notestothewriter]

April 8th 2017, 18:34

Dear Ross,

It is such a beautiful day, I wonder if you’re enjoying it. I’ve done some more gardening today, I love that things I’ve planted are growing well - for the most part. I think I overwater a little, and so some plants here and there are taking a bit of a turn for the worse from my drowning them. I hope that it will be smelling lovely on our balcony during the Summer. It would be nice for you to enjoy it, too, someday. We are having a barbeque on Monday, the first of the season. Maybe there will be chicken for you.

“Be not afraid of the wounded one, who comes with fiction and who drinks from the fountain of how little we know about love and god and letting go. He’s been to the Shadowlands but still, you want to love him, want to hold those hands and hear him say your name”

Have you been to the Shadowlands?

[notestothewriter]

Apr 6th 2017, 20:49

Dear Ross,

I finally joined the gym today for the millionth time. I feel like this time I will stick to it though, as you are the end prize. Getting fit means I can make a serious proposal and ask you out, which will be wonderful. Why make a half-assed proposal when I could make the better one? I know I shouldn’t work on my own body for anyone else and I’m not for the most part. However, a small part is for you.

I went on the treadmill, which I’ve always avoided, and within 20 minutes I wanted to start moaning about my sore legs but I persevered. I ended up doing a whole hour and I felt exhilarated afterward; like I could have taken on the world and won. There’s this cool app called “Zombies, Run” which I started using last week for a few walks around where I live. It’s fun and so I will use that often on the treadmill - just walking fast-paced for now. The sweat was pouring off me so I feel I really did work today. I hope to go tomorrow.

I wonder what your middle name is.