notsobalfeels - Tumblr blog

[notsobalfeels]

Something more people ought to know is that a pearl is most commonly an oyster’s response to a parasite, like a tunneling tapeworm larva. It’s almost never a grain of sand. They live in the sea, they don’t care about sand!

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Late fall hike to Yellow Aster Butte. Max sliced his paw open at the trailhead. We bandaged it up and he did great. What a good patient he was. Washington 1980

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Lately, I feel like you don’t care about me anymore and it leads to me overthinking that you don’t love me anymore.

I just wanna cry in your arms peacefully when I get random anxiety attacks, I just wanna be babied when I try to be clingy to you, I just want random kisses to know that you think of me while you’re doing something, I just want you to say yes to every adventure that comes to my mind even though we’re not sure if we’ll even ever do it. I just want the simple things, the small things, the bare minimum.

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The things you make me feel makes me mad at myself for letting you

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Names you’ve called me

Baby

Childish

Snowflake

Playing dumb

Ngil ad ug batasan

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i dont wanna be with someone who i constantly have to ask for more

or tell them how to deal with me

it gives me frustration

it gives me anxiety

it makes me think im hard to love

love shouldn't be like that

but i know when i tell you these things

you'll just tell me

it is my responsibility

my feelings are my responsibility

love should be easy

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I hope we will all find someone who is soft for us, someone who’ll love us more than we love them.

Someone who isn’t selfish to think of you, too. To ask for your opinions because it is as important as to theirs.

Someone who know his priorities and knows how to manage his time so that you won’t question yourself if you’re as important as they are to you.

Someone who constantly try and try until you give in to them.

I just wanna be babied 😪

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I’m about to graduate, it’s my last year in university.

And I have this thing ever since I started feeling unstable again, where I formulate my graduation speech. It’s a thing where people thank everyone in their lives and post it on facebook during graduation day.

My thoughts right now:

I would like to thank my aunt for always supporting me financially. And to my mom, for just being there.

I would also like to thank my best friend, who was always there for me. For keeping me sane my whole college life, especially during the pandemic. I don’t know if I could do it without you.

There were a lot of times I really wanted to give up, just give it all up.

The anxiety and depression creeps up any time of the day and I just would want to cry but I can’t. I can’t show vulnerability because my family and I don’t do that.

I did not want to fight this battle alone, but I can’t fight it with you.

There were so many times I needed to talk to a therapist. I knew I needed help.

But I don’t want to be a burden anymore.

You’ve paid so much for my tuition already. I don’t want you to worry over something you think it’s just in my mind.

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September 26, 2021 9:17 PM

I needed to write my thoughts fresh from the shower.

So, it has come to a point that I feel alone in our relationship. I don’t know where it started but I feel jealous of you that you’ve found yourself again after what happened on Mikha’s birthday last 2020. Don’t get me wrong but I am happy for you, it just felt so unfair. It’s not your fault though because I did this to myself, I’ve held on to it for as long as I can remember. We never really talked about it.

I hate every time you go out with your friends. Kept that because I know it’s toxic, and I don’t want to be. You just don’t update me anymore like you used to. At first, I made an excuse told myself that I care about your health. I am! But that wasn’t the first reason why I didn’t like you going out. Going out with your friends meant long replies (which never bothered me before), and no usual good night calls and I don’t even know why. Kept on thinking what lead me to this. Well, when that thing happened, there was no updates and no more replies. After two days, Tere told me what happened. Maybe I’m just afraid that it’ll happen again?

Made me think again that you didn’t really want this relationship. Maybe you felt pressured because even before we were together, I already brought you here and meet my family.

Sometimes, just sometimes, you’re selfish. I remember when you were here in Bacolod and after I wash our clothes and it’s time to fold it, you’d just fold yours and stop there. You wouldn’t help me with mine hahaha. Also, when I’m in San Carlos, you know that you’re the only one that I have there (except for my family, of course but you get it), I’d still have to fight for your time with me because you want to go out with your friends. I know I am not your whole world but I just wanted to be with you. We spent so much time away from each other.

Maybe I’m just being too clingy or needy.

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Why do I forget my thoughts every time I'm about to write? Dammit.

I wanted to go back to journaling, instead of cute stuff on my notebook, it'll be more words, more feelings. I'm still not good at forming my thoughts into words. I try tho, I try my best. But I feel more secure when I pour my feelings here, in tumblr. Where no one knows me. No one who knows me follows me here. Where it is password-protected. Unlike an ordinary notebook, where it's just hiding in plain sight.

I don't know if whatever I'm feelings are true because every time I listen to somewhat sad songs, I get...emotional, and I am listening to Adele right now.

It's been months since we talked, like really talked. We do talk every day but what the fuck do you do with all the good mornings and the good nights, that's all we do. Is that even talking? God, I don't like it.

I hate it.

I even forgot what we used to talked about everyday before you started sharing crypto to me almost everyday every hour.

I am supportive, baby, I do. I am happy that you are with your crypto and stuff. It's just not my thing. I tried listening to you and trying (not much tho) to learn it but it just doesn't interest me. I don't get it. I don't have the time and you know that. Maybe I do, I just don't want it.

I'm getting tired with this routine of ours. Yo don't even ask how was my day, you don't even ask how I am even though sometimes I tell you that I'm mentally unstable.

I want to let you go so bad but I can't. I'm scared I might not find someone better than you. I hate that I made you so perfect in my mind yet you are not.

You mess up my mind. Ever since you kissed her.

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IDK anymore

There's too much on my notes, not even half of my thoughts. There's just so much to say I don't know where to start.

I never really got over what happened last year. I never got the chance, I never gave it to myself. Because you needed me. Never went into my mind that I needed myself, too.

It's actually been days or weeks(?), maybe months if I think deeply about it, ever since my mental health is on edge.

It was last week that triggered my anxiety.

I kept remembering what you told me last year—that you'd choose friends over me. Then I'd overthink what Aprielle has told me when she left, "You chose him, I hope he will continue to choose you as well".

I feel so alone at that time (last week), because I realized that: you can have fun without me; you have plenty of group of friends; you have something that keeps you going and I don't.

And I realized, if ever were gonna break up, you'll get over me easily.

I'll having nothing. I made my world revolve around you and I hate how much I needed you right now. I know how much you hate dependency.

I needed to feel like I don't need you.

I also got to the point where I would hate myself because I pushed you before when you needed space. I feel so stupid because I realized that I deserved so much more. Even though I was the one who got cheated on, you didn't even said sorry before you ghosted me.

I always forget that I have this issue with you whenever I am with you, like I'm the one dismissing myself. That's why I told you last week, "I'll see you when I get home". Then you showed up. I tried opening up about it but got dismissed a lot of time also so, I dismissed it myself. I was trying to enjoy the time I had with you.

They say, you'll never get enough of everything with your love. I'll never get enough time with you. That's how clingy I am.

And I hate that I'm clingy because being clingy also means being needy and being needy means being dependent. And you don't want that.

I just wanna love you the way I wanna be loved but I find myself limiting because I'm afraid that I'll be too attached (like being dependent and all)—although, I know it's too late.

This is hard for me to admit, but here: I am insecure.

Days before M's birthday last year, I saw a post where my ex commented and answered a question he was asked. He was asked about, "Why do men cheat?" and he had the fucking audacity to answer, "Di man guro na mangita ug di mag kuwang". The fuck is wrong with you?

I tried to tell you but then you were busy having fun with our friends. I mean, I do understand that but I needed you.

Then, the thing happened. It just triggered my whole damn traumatic experience with my ex.

I started questioning myself and started being insecure again.

I hate how I question my worth but there I was again.

Then, I hate how petty this sound, but I was hurt about what you replied on the video I sent to you on tiktok.

I'm drunk na...i'll finish this soon

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Thoughts during Shower

My mind be flooding my brain with stupid thoughts (or realization???, I think I’m still in denial) during shower.

I’ve just realized more red flags today from you and I thought to myself, “Do I want this for my future?”. I also start to think that I don’t see you in my future anymore. I used to, but everything’s changing.

Red flags. With an S.

Here I am again, begging you to stay another day to spend time with me. I know, I know, you’ve been here for almost a week now. But time will never enough for someone who’s love language is quality time.

Yet, if it were your friends, you’d be like, “G, pare”.

You’re always asking for it and I’m not in the mood to do it. I just don’t get how you don’t get it.

If ever you’ll feel regret that you stayed here for another day for nothing, then, just go. I won’t be needing that kind of energy.

I’m just so tired with all these bullshit with you.

I am in love with you. So in love. But you make me not want to be that kind of in love.

This ain’t my max capacity of falling in love. I feel like I can love a person for 200%, I love you for a hundred.

I would love to be that kind to love for 200, do al the stuff I wanna do to my s/o. But with you, I feel like I just need to do all the bare minimums because I feel like you won’t be giving back the same energy.

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Lonelier

It gets a little lonely, most of the time.

I'd miss our friends and everything we used to do with them.

I wish so hard that you should've stayed a happy-stupid crush during our senior year.

Should've took time with myself after my break up. Should've waited for the more mature me, where I would know what's the right thing to do.

I used to be so sure of my decision, but now, you make me start to regret it, choosing you.

I don't even know if you'll be choosing me.

I'm starting to blame you for everything.

And I hate it. I don't wanna be mad at you or I don't want to blame you. Because I love you.

Or so, I think.

I'm starting to get tired of everything.

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Ignored Messages

It's been days since he was here. He's still in my ignored messages and I don't plan on undoing what I've done to his messages until we talk about it. I'm still frustrated about him choosing his friends over me.

I don't know if he wants to talk about it.

I know that his past relationship deprived him from spending time with his friends. But now, it's like I am the one that's been deprived of his time.

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Space

After saying that I'll see him when I get home in our hometown, he just went here. I mean, I should be mad because I wanted space. But, I did the same thing when he was the one who wanted space last time.

I just don't know about my feelings whenever I am with him. It's like I'm lost in his wilderness and I don't understand everything around him.

And now, we're just back to normal like I never even ignored his messages. I want to talk but he's like dismissing it. Ugh

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Choose people who will choose you. I repeat, CHOOSE PEOPLE WHO WILL FUCKING CHOOSE YOU!!!!!!

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Commitment

Created a new blog because the other one was so messy for me. And I realized that I can't go public with this one because it's private and I just wan to have something to share my thoughts with. I know, I have Nicole but as of the moment, I feel like I'm giving her a burden by sharing to her my very heavy thoughts. I'm just thinking about her, too. I know that it's not healthy for our mental health having to carry more problems and negative thoughts than our own.

This will make me sane, although I really need therapy. I do. But it's very pricey.

Anyway, self, this will not be a perfect blog. As you already expected that. I won't be proofreading anything because no one will ever read this.

I hope.

If you ever happen to read this, know that I have these days. We all do. Just pretend, you didn't see anything and I'll forgive you.

Also, this won't be all about my current relationship. But the days of my life where I feel like I need to write.

Welcome again!