nowaythatsnotme

[nowaythatsnotme]

Happy birthday to the you that I used to know

The you that still spent time with me

The you that was something to me and not just a headache.

Happy birthday to the you you'll never be again.

[nowaythatsnotme]

I want to draw you

Paint you

Sculpt you

But it hurts too much to even try

To even try to lift a pencil

To think of a composition

To get out the paper

To grab a sewing needle

To anything

[nowaythatsnotme]

I miss you so much it physically hurts.

I can't breathe

My head throbs

My chest is tight

And my stomach has been folding itself

into all sorts of knots.

I wish it didn't hurt so much to miss you.

[nowaythatsnotme]

I had a dream I was holding you, carrying you around a castle like the Queen you are. You were alive once more for this moment of bliss, but the moment I woke up you were out of my grasp.

[nowaythatsnotme]

There's no winning with you. It's always about you. Always what you want. Always what you need. Always you.

[nowaythatsnotme]

I feel angry and bitter.

I expect nothing from you.

Your outburst? Uncalled for. But I'm removing myself from the situation.

I'm trying.

I'm trying to get over it.

[nowaythatsnotme]

Yes, great idea.

Take your aggressive dog that killed my cat to the shelter instead of putting him down like you should.

Who's next?

[nowaythatsnotme]

I finally deleted your cell number off my phone. Even though we never text (we always messaged through social media), it still hurts.

Are you happy?

[nowaythatsnotme]

You didn't like it when I matched your energy.

How do you think I felt?

[nowaythatsnotme]

There's no one to stop me

No one to care.

What does it matter

If I'm even here?

[nowaythatsnotme]

Your pain and discomfort isn't what brings me joy, but the fact that it's exactly what you did to me.

I don't think you realize though, and I couldn't laugh harder.

[nowaythatsnotme]

I don't know what the universe is trying to accomplish by crushing me each step, but I will not stand for it.

[nowaythatsnotme]

I used to be surrounded by people I thought were friends. Now...

Well,

I'm not surrounded anymore. It's just me.

Standing alone in an empty field.

[nowaythatsnotme]

I want - No. I need you out of my head.

Pack your bags and leave before I kick you out.

I'm taking this space back for myself and those I give it to. You don't fit.

[nowaythatsnotme]

I'm mad. I'm upset. I'm disappointed.

My heart is tight, and it beats with unease.

Look what you've done to me.

[nowaythatsnotme]

I'm somewhere between throwing-things-angry, fast breathing panic attack, and a fit of tears. Do you realize what you've done? Do you realize everything you've torn apart? Do you realize the consequences to your actions?

[nowaythatsnotme]

Everyone says I shouldn't be upset.

But we've talked about things like this before. You know how I feel.

And that on top of everything else is too much.

I don't know what's going on with you, and frankly, I don't give a damn right now.

You hurt me. You hurt me over and over.