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Thank you..

I think my life has been very overwhelming these days, today I cried after someone said Thank You to me. Out of all days, that I have been receiving Thank You(s) here and there, I felt different today. It feels like I finally deserve the gratefulness? Haha. 

I am struggling right now from so many aspects in life, I am battling my worries alone, so many external pressures have been bothering me which I know I shouldnt have to. I keep telling myself to take it easy but yea, I have so much time to keep thinking about those things. I used to go out and strolling to keep me sane, I tried it last time again but this time I felt instant tiredness and just get home right after. 

The only thing that can make me feel awake again is working out eventho I still am struggling with that too. But still, I feel like I gained another strength everytime. 

Well, to my dear self, thank you for acknowledging your struggles, thank you for checking up on yourself, thank you for feeling the feelings, thank you for still trying to gather your strength and courage to do things. I know it is hard, I know this is a challenging time for you, but Insya Allah you will get through this. 

I hope few days and months after this, you will look back and tell yourself, you’ve done well going through all this alone. And you are a whole lot stronger today. 

[nrlrbhh]

I am here, again?

well i guess? hahahaa. actually this week has been quite stressful for me in terms of my study. we got abundant of assignments due in the same week, all of the professors suddenly in rush of asking us to complete all assessments when they actually can give us little by little in the beginning but yea. it is what it is i guess. 

came here today because i just want to express how grateful i am for my life today. i mean i have always been, but to look back, and see how much my life has grown, in terms of so many things (including my age!), i am very grateful for where i am. i have many people to fall back into whenever i am in need, despite not having many friends, me being extra introvert, socially awkward, being anxious around people and whatsoever. i am actually happy that at any time i have big concerns, i can just pick anyone that i have around me and tell them how im feeling, what my concerns are and they can always be there for me. well actually, tbh, i forced myself to be a bit open to people. knowing myself, i have always wanted to keep everything to myself. but slowly i realized i can't live like this. for sure Allah made me meet those people for many reasons, and maybe one of them is to ease my days. 

i have been living as the only child left alone in this house for almost a year now. with my parents. im grateful that my family members are all nearby, so i don't have to worry about lots of things whenever im not around with my parents. being the youngest is hard, when i need to keep things sorted in this house, need to look for my parents, need to think for their meals everyday. it is exhausting some days, but well, we are just repaying what they have been doing for us, for years. it is not hard mentally, but sometimes my body just failed me lol. im never complaining tho, they have always been my priorities. and to look back, i am always grateful not getting any partner yet, not planning to get married yet. because i have so many thing to do for them, i want to travel with them, i want to come home to them one more time, each day. i want to look after them when they are sick. im just not ready to be separated with them just yet, because next after me, no one can do that. we all have our own commitments. alhamdulillah for the chances given.

in terms of friendship, my loneliness during my school days have been totally recovered by two beautiful souls. at least for me. we are so attached to each other, gather almost every week for the littlest things, celebrate each other, discover new places each time. back in the days i can relate when ppl said that true friendship is when u don't have to text each other everyday but just to know they are here with us, but not these days anymore lol. we never end our conversation in our group chat, we greet each other first every morning, let out every concerns, share every single happy things, ask to remind each other, even our daily selfies haha. if anyone knows me from the beginning, they know how much im not used to physical affection, i hate when ppl ask me whats wrong, i hate to be colour coded with other ppl, im just not used to being attached with other ppl especially ‘friends’. but a me in 2022 is totally different when im with these two. we plan our colours even for a simple lunch, we wrapped our arms around each other when walking, we even roast each other for the slightest mistakes but never took it to the heart. every time i feel like looking back to myself few years back, actually now, these two friends taught me to love myself a lil bit more. bc little did i know, their concerns never actually solve my problems, but help me to think abt myself more than i do. when i started to know how to love myself, then i can love other people more than i have always been. and i think thats the most beautiful thing that made me treasure this friendship the most. i can say most of the things, days, and time spent with them are never forced, i never feel forced to keep this friendship, i never feel forced to keep the conversations going, i never feel forced to love my friends, i never feel forced to hangout with them. it has always been my choice. because after all, we look for each other very well. we treasure the moments together. and they deserve all the happiness in this world. 

i write all these down, to look back one day, that if i lose any of these, i just want to tell myself that everyone came into your life for different reasons, and they have stayed long enough for you to remember, and keep them in your heart. if one day you need to let go any of them, for whatever the circumstances are, remember that you had them long enough that they brought you to wherever place you are standing now, they raised you, loved you, and shaped you to be the amazing person you are now. 

you are once loved by them, and you will always be. 

[nrlrbhh]

2021 and the next hope?

Fuh, i havent posted for a year!! there wasnt a single post from 2021 damnnnn. but here we are i guess? lotssssss have happened within a year, my family grows bigger with additional two family members, i started my master’s degree, i worked another job with different environment, i ended my contract on the last day of the year, still single but slaying and doesn't even care, lots have happened in the country’s management as well i guess, some medical issues here and there, i also diagnosed with some stuffs, i lost almost 5kgs, i got to talk to several people that i have been longing for so long, we had the longest lockdown as well, we had our two doses of vaccines.......too many things happened. all these are just what i can recall in few minutes, for sure there was so much more things that happened in 2021. 

and today, 14th of jan 2022, 14 days into 2022, i am currently quite struggling with my life but in a good way, i had my booster jab, i just rejected another offer bc of my study, i had to leave few amazing ppl behind for awhile, im in the plan of travelling overseas again in less than a month (my passport needs to be renewed and the flight tix wasnt purchased yet lol), almost entering final exam week, but after all, i have been praying so hard this year- it has been awhile since i got very serious in my prayers (what a bad thing haha) but i enjoyed listing the littlest things in my dua these days. 

may this year brings so much joy and happiness, success, lots of blessings and hope. may this year grows us a little stronger, brings a wider smiles, and larger amount in our bank accounts lol. 

[nrlrbhh]

2020 is really ending now

first of all, i really cannot remember when was the last time i posted anything here, i didn't check either lol

but i know, it has been awhile, like toooooooo long or maybe havent had one ever since 2020 started? im not sure haha!

life has been tough for me, let me recap some and few bits of my year. first and foremost yeap, we have never thought of what we, as a whole, have been experiencing in every freaking countries, regarding this pandemic. we have been locked in our house, gratefully if our ‘home’ has been very comfortable for us, but most of us are struggling, mentally, financially, physically :( we are not prepared for any of this, but it has been almost a year now ((the last time i checked, first case of covid was 17th nov 2019)) so it has been a year i guess?

and personally, for me, earlier this year me and family started our year with a lil traveling with our big-8adults-2kids family to vietnam- only for three days. it was all fun. later in january i got an interview call from the hospital i applied for, long story short i made it there, and started my first job on 3rd of february. i lacked so much in this journey but i made it far, alhamdulillah. i went through so much, i had to face a very bad personality-individual every single day, it was too much for me. at first i thought the problem is with me, i tried to be so positive about this because i know i have so much more to learn. i cried my heart out every single time, i cried in the toilet, i cried on my way home, i cried at night, only to be strong again and again for that 830-6pm job daily. until i reached my limit on august, oh have i mentioned i made it to be permanent there. i did good i guess? but the struggle hasnt stopped. starting august i start to feel bad about myself, i was mistreated the whole month, and i really reached my limit. until i decided to tender my resignation letter on the 3rd of september. i did. i did that. for my own good. i applied master for another engineering course. i did so much thinking on this and i finally applied and accepted, alhamdulillah. 

i don't really want to talk about this but i finished it anyway lol. 9 months of struggling, i really enjoyed my work. i enjoyed my life, but it was tiring. i love the people there- some of them yea. but it was a torture for my mental. as long as i was directly engaged with that person every single day, i can actually became crazy. 

almost a month living a jobless life now lol before starting the study life again, alhamdulillah im all good- at least as for now. can't wait to start over again, ugh. 

lets continue later-

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“This is what I like about photographs. They’re proof that once, even if just for a heartbeat, everything was perfect.”

— Jodi Picoult, Lone Wolf (via books-n-quotes)

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At one point of life, i hope we can meet again someday in the future.

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strong for others

Remember last year i wrote abt this one good friend of mine that went thru so much and all we could do is to be there with her there and then, we even delayed her birthday celebration bc of the things she had to go thru at that time.

this time, she slowly developed anxiety inside her, we witnessed that. as a person, as someone who sometimes feels like dying is better than living, as someone that went thru a phase where despite having a strong support from other i’d still feel empty inside, i said to myself i have to be strong for her.

i see myself inside her, i see how every positive things that we said couldn't really reach her, that something is controlling her, that she is not herself. but i have to be strong for her right?

sometimes i couldn't pick up her calls bc i was doing smthg else and i felt bad. i knew that there was a reason she called. that one time she called me and all i could hear that she was sobbing hard, things are going too hard for her but she knew she had to have someone with her, listens to her concern. 

i did the same too, i may wait until i came home, but she didn't. she is soooo strong to be able to reach up to us eventho she was crying hard.

oh Allah, grant her great great calmness in her heart, we know that everything is already written about her, make her so strong, stronger than us, stronger than the obstacles she had to go through. 

[nrlrbhh]

Some scribble

It has been hard for me since my completion of internship. I went through too many things that i couldnt make time for myself to write down my feelings here. it was a hard struggle especially for my emotions for the past few months. i was struggling so much to be the in the most positive vibe i could ever be. even up until today. i struggled with my own negative feelings about how unfair everything has became. i struggled to keep being positive after all the things people did to keep me down as if i never deserve any happiness in this world. i saw how cruel the world has turned right in front of my eyes. and if ever i did not have this strong faith and belief that i have to stand strong again after every falls, i might have just collapsed already. 

i couldnt see how this will end, everyone around me, around my age is struggling so much too and maybe this is just another phase of growing up. i keep on telling myself how one day things will get sorted eventually but at the same time as a human we can never skip every tests given, this whole world is a test after all.

i hope one day, i can read this post again and pat my back saying that i have done sooooo well on this day that i have survived every hardship, and on that particular day i have turned to be a much stronger person.

and i hope that, that day will come sooner than i thought because to be honest- i lost my hope already.

may allah grants me and all of us strength to keep going because it is hard for me-

[nrlrbhh]

Your home

It’s weird seeing you growing up but i could see myself nowhere in the story. Funny how you seem so close, yet in the reality youre way too far. After all, its good to see how you smile so widely now, being happy around the people you love, that could take a very good care of you. 

Everything seems so familiar yet youre nowhere to be found. Keep your heart at ease, may you feel contented from all the loves and supports. 

[nrlrbhh]

it hurts my heart too, may Allah always keep you safe, and bless you with great amount of blessings, until you feel contented and happy all over again

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what a great moment to start with this morning-

and yesterday’s ending too

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I am proud of-

So currently ive been doing my internship at this one private hospital since january and will be completing this semester in june before graduation insya allah. ive seen so many things, learned so many stuffs, met so many people and ive been loving this place except for few things obviously. but the environment, the people are so nice, they actually respect each other unlike few hospitals that really looking down to engineers especially in healthcare industry. okay my point here is that, for the past few months, ive listened to code blue alert few times but didnt get the chance to see it in front of my eyes. just that one time i was in icu and code blue happened, i saw few nurses from icu quickly ran towards a&e to attend the case. but today, i was doing tnc at a&e when code blue of adult, cardiac arrest happened and the alarm went off- everyone started to run towards the red zone quickly to save the patient- cardiologist and his assistant, nurses from special diagnostic, unit managers, nurses from wards and clinics, everyone basically went down, dropping everything what theyve been doing previously just to save a person. i felt overwhelmed over this feeling that God, so many people tried to save a single person, running around, dropping their things, throwing their phones inside the drawers, to ensure that the patient will finally be in a normal condition again. they are kind souls that wish nothing but a great health of the patients. i am proud of these people, may allah bless them and reward them with the greatest reward. 

[nrlrbhh]

2019, im here for you!

annually, at the end of the year, i’d list out things that i remember, or i learn throughout the year. but for this year 2018, i might not do it for some reason. 

im just here, welcoming 2019 calmly. alhamdulillah, 2018 was very great. i couldnt remember what hurts me the most but i definitely can remember what makes me happy. 

2018 is the year i grow up so much, i see people falls right in front of my eyes, i helped some, but too bad i couldnt help all. 2018 taught me about patience, taught me not to be panic during fyp mostly, taught me to love unconditionally. 2018 taught me about separation, taught me most about friendship. 

2018 taught me that love can be annoying, that love from other person is not what you are targeting, but love from Allah is all you need. 

2018 gave me experience of how bad a person can turn into when they are breaking down, including myself. 2018 showed me that ones absence can meant a lot to my life. 

2018 brings so much joy into my life in every aspects. i couldnt remember all but it will definitely come and hit me once in a while. 

i havent list down my resolutions yet for 2019, i havent even buy a planner yet hahaha. but im ready for any journey that awaits me. insya allah im ready for anything that can turn me into my better self. 

BISMILLAH.

[nrlrbhh]

Umrah and Ziarah; Allah is the best planner

Man, by only typing the title, i already feel like crying.

it was surreal. everything was like a dream. alhamdulillah, thummalhamdulillah, thummalhamdulillah. to be given chance, to be invited by Him, to be able to remember everything that happened throughout the journey, i feel blessed. 

since i was small, to be veyr honest, when my friends were about to go for umrah, i didnt feel anything. maybe i didnt know what it feels like to travel overseas bc ive never done one. or maybe, i was too small to even understand things. it was all started after me being a travel-person, loving to travel to other countries and appreciating the cultures and everyhting. since 2012, it was like an annual thing for us to travel once a year to anywhere. one day, mama asked us to pray that we can go and perform umrah as soon as possible, and be determined of it. that day when everything hits me. when suddenly i felt the longing to perform umrah eventho ive never done even once in my life. i set a goal in my mind and in my heart, plus saving money all i could because i said to myself, i need to pay this umrah for myself, at least half of the price bc i am big enough. things happened, our plan was postponed bc of the election. the plan started in 2017, but only being confirmed after May 2018. everyhting happened so quickly. the confirmation, the documentations, the flu shots and everything happened so quickly. 

until few days before the day. i didnt start packing yet up to two days prior. just then i start to talk to myself again lol. it is happening now. your dream is coming sooooo close. 

bam! we arrived in madinah. first of all, the excitement was crazy. the feelings was jist too beautiful. to be able to step on the same ground rasulullah has stepped on thousand of years before. to be able to experience the surrounding the companions lived in thousand of years before. along the way from jeddah to madinah, our mutawwif selawat with all of us. i cried for a moment. i know this is the environment that i miss. i know this is what my soul has been wanting before. since we arrived at midnight, we didnt go to masjidil nabawi right after eventho it was just 50 m away from our hotel. we went up and rest, ready for tmr’s journey, started with qiyamullail. hamdulillah, first step inside masjidil nabawi, i felt so calm despite the crowds. ive never felt that calm in my entire life. mama lead our way inside the masjid and we sat together and perform our first prayer inside. big thanks to mama that already been there thrice, she lead us well and ensure that we experienced every beautiful moments. 

days passed by so smoothly. it was our routine to ‘tawaf’ around the masjid after asr or isya so that we can remember every bits of the environment forever. since in madinah we had no umrah or other activities beside ziarah to other places by bus, we had quite plenty time to spend everyday. days passed by comfortably not too quickly. after two days, we felt so comfortable that it felt like already a week. everything feels so familiar to us already. 

i remembered the last day we were in madinah, specifically in masjidil nabawi. we went to perform ziarah wida’ that afternoon. we stopped right infront of makam rasulullah saw and bid our last salaam to him and the companions, i read the du’a right there. it was so so sad that i cried while reading it. the du’a says something about dont make this ziarah the last for us, and if the death meets us first, Allah has witnessed our faith. it was so sad as if you were about to bid farewell to your beloved friend that you’ll never knew when to meet them again in the future, but this is rasulullah, the one that sacrificed everything, that sacrificed his own life so that islam came to us. thank you, ya rasulullah saw.

went inside the bus, we were about to depart for mekkah this time. at this moment, i feel like everyhting was changing. if in madinah, we keep selawat-ing everyday, now, we started to read talbiah together along the journey from the miqat to masjidil haram. it took us around 6 to 7 hours to arrive so most of us rest in the bus but not for me haha. i didnt sleep at all eventho i felt tired. maybe the excitement this time to go to the second of the haramain. i clearly registered in my mind the fact that as soon as we arrived, we’ll be performing our first umrah there, but still, i didnt get any sleep inside the bus. alhamdulillah, i dint feel too tired bc madinah was a very calm place for me, i took too much rest there yeap. 

we finally arrived, thummalhamdulillah, our hotel was very very comfortable compared to madinah. i’d say 3x more comfortable. we took a 30 mins rest or time to prepare ourself before performing our first umrah that night. it was definitely a whole new experience. everything feels new to me. from tawaf, to saie, to tahallul. i will definitely remember this moment forever. seeing kaabah right in front of my eyes, when all this while ive been staring the picture only through monitors. subhanallah, at that time, i really feel invited, feel welcomed to be there eventho i was full of sins, eventho im a sinner. 

our first umrah ended at 2 in the morning i guess. umrah can be a lot faster than that but since it was our first umrah with this trip, the whole trip wanted to follow our mutawwif instead of going alone or with families. so the waiting after each tawaf and saie makes it draggy a lil bit but we enjoyed every moment together. since masjidil haram was going through major constructions, most of us chose to follow mutawwif bc we afraid that the route might have changed a iil so we let the mutawwif showed us the way first. 

there was four umrah sessions prepared for us all together. one down, three more to be done for those who wanted to do it. alhamdulillah i managed to do it thrice and voluntarily chose not to do the fourth one (with my own reason hewhew). every umrah journey was different. my first, second and third were different between each of them and that definitely teach me thousand of lessons. 

every places we went for ziarah, mekkah and madinah, reminds us to every specific seerah. alhamdulillah, our mutawwif is very very excellent in telling every stories that happened in the most exciting way, so we could enjoy without feeling bored. from jabal uhud, to tsaqifah bani saidah, to manasik haji, to taif, and more, every places contain it own seerah. alhamdulillah ive learned most of them in school and usrah, so i could revise every stories while the mutawwif tell them to us. 

i have lots more to write, but i think i should continue once im ready with photos included for my own future reference ahaks. thummalhamdulillah, the whole journey was very beautiful. the fact that we went to the best cities in the world, and to be accompanied by a great mutawwif, and a great whole trip itself that really feel like family, i am very grateful for having to experience the best first umrah in my life. i am targeting for hajj next, for sure, insya allah. but if there is any opportunities for me to come back for umrah every year, or any years, i’d love to do it. umrah gave me new spirit and motivation to continue life in 2019 onwards, and definitely lift up some of my worries and make me see the world differently. alhamdulillah. 

[nrlrbhh]

Been awhile ((for too many times))

aaaaaand im back hahahahaha. actually i have few posts saved in my drafts since ive been writing abt few stuffs but i stopped halfway since ive been busy for fyp presentation day and all so yeap im back, yea physically. 

alhamdulillah, in these few weeks and months, so many things happened, so many decisions made, too much emotions felt. thummalhamdulillah, im done w fyp2 presentation eventho the device didn't work too well that it could satisfies my heart but still okay and acceptable, still my effort thus- im proud of myself haha! we also decided to go perform umrah Insya Allah ((praying hard!)) this december, or i could say almost a month from now. it has been our dream, weve been talking abt this wayyyy before election day but mama had to do what she gotta do so we pushed it back and alhamdulillah, got the date and we ((me n my sister)) have went to the kursus as well. next is, my sister and i ((again,)) did a very very extreme decision abt smthg that will be happening next year in march Insya Allah, we didn't tell anyone yet but trust me it doesn't include crime or what lol. can't wait!!!!!!

i just had to rant here that along the days i went thru before fyp2 presentation day, it was very very hard. i was attacked w anxiety most of the time. i cried too much, my heart beats too fast, i was very very sensitive especially within the whole week prior to the day, i consumed too much caffeine, too many panadols, my body went thru extra bad routines everyday. up to the d-day i would say, i can never gat any nervous than that. it went very bad until few hours before presentation ((that morning)) i realized myself beng super calm. im glad the assessor came quite late that morning since i got time to calm myself down. i saw my friends went thru the same things with me, and saw the smiles in their faces once everything was done. thummal hamdulillah. 

i can't forget all the feelings i get while having to complete my tasks for fyp. it could be one of the best memories i guess??

things have been extra special to me these days. less than a month from now, we will be parting ways towards our own dreams, either to be engineers, or to do anything else that might were written better for us. some has already planning for their marriages, some has secured their internship and job positions, some still trying to managing their lives, and me? following whats in front of my eyes. these days, when i met my friends, i found myself looking at them fondly, i just had to capture everything using my eyes, and kept that well in my heart. four years may seem short but these people, these pure souls, taught me more than life ever offered. they taught me more than what i learned from schools. less than a month now, some may start to forget part of us, some may can still meet up. it makes me anxious that i actually will enter another phase of life as an adult, it makes me happy that i can actually take a break even just for a week, it makes me sad that things will not be repeating again. some might say that their highschool days were the best, their boarding schools were the best, their colleges were not, their universities were not. different places, i learned different things. and i was very very very grateful to be able to meet everyone here. dahlah sedih-

and alhamdulillah, i actually targeted to receive excellence achievers’ award during my first year but guess what? i got it in my third year haha! alhamdulillah, it was never my dream again after learning different kind of difficult subjects started from the third semester but to be able to achieve it in the sixth was great great enough for me. sadly, i can't attend the event since i’ll be having to attend clinical workshop on that day, but i’ll definitely claim it later. 

thats all? oh and sufy will be having a baby brother/sister soon Insya Allah!!

kkkkk raklu geng bye

[nrlrbhh]

Do i have to?

the problem about me is that, i am very expressive. or i could just say that i am way too expressive. but- around just few people around me. back in the years, i was expressive towards everyone else. or just- anyone. if i was very mad, i would turn into monster, i could make my emotion engulf me and affect everyone else around me. yes, i was that intolerable. this also leads me to that phase of life that i just don't want to remember, but it is still there, permanently there. 

the problem about me now is that, i am still super expressive, i changed the way i act upon it, i changed about to whom i express it and everything, but still, i am still expressive. 

if im tired, you can see it in my face, you can see that im exhausted, and i will start to babble about what makes me tired. if people about to compare their days with me, i’d end up saying yes- everyone’s tired too. 

if im sad, i’ll go quiet all day long, unless someone actually making me laugh or smile again. or not, i can smile all day but when i go back to my room, i will just stare at the wall and the sadness still never fade. 

and what breaks me is that, when im mad, i will go all out being quiet to anyone because i know i am in a very fragile state. i always tell people around me that if they feel that im not in the mood, don't push me towards the emotion. don't ask me if im feeling so, because at the end, it will lead me towards it. if im not being that mad, you will end up throwing me in the fire. if im not that sad, you will make me curl up crying in the bed. and i told this to anyone around me. i told them that if they sense something, just keep it to themselves and don't ask me. if im sad, don't ask me. if im mad, don't ask me. i will go back to my real self quicker, i will heal better.

this is the only thing about me that i wish i could throw it away. because at one side, it makes me better, but most of the time- it gets worst. i don't know how to handle it, i don't know how to control it, i don't know how to express it the way i should do- the positive way. 

im sorry, if i still hurting people while im hurting, im sorry, if i still breaking your heart into pieces while im fixing mine. 

i may look okay on the outside, but in the heart im not. im not for both you and me, and i don't know how to handle it. i may look strong, i may laugh at jokes while doing something else, but my heart is still wondering what i should do to heal everything back, to fix everything back. 

[nrlrbhh]

Lets just leave this here. I need time to write abt this or i’ll just leave this as it is.