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still waiting for god to just kill me so i can rest

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the issue i have with my ptsd being about people hate me and will hurt me if i am noticed, is that i cannot, logically, reach out, to people, and say i am struggling, because, as, the aformentioned, they hate me and will hurt me, even if i. well even if part of me claims it knows that irrational, which its not because it always happens.

so even people who i have no proven reason to fear yet who might benefit from being told i am a skitterish little bug. uh. oh god duedddee

fuck i hate having to pretend to be normal and functional while im dying inside and terrified that shit sucks so bad

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if i am in a loop like i suspect of re-living this life over and over because this is hell. i dunno man. i hope god takes mercy on me and fucking kills me for real at some point. i don't . i don't want to think i deserve this. couldn't we just, all of us awful un-people, couldn't we just stop existing? wouldn't that be better? does the universe really need to be fueled by our eternal loops of suffering? can't we do better?

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i just hope that when i kill myself eventually there's no afterlife. nothing. just sweet fucking non-existence. that's all i want. for it to stop.

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im sorry im sorry im sorry

my anxiety has been getting way worse (im sorry im sorry im sorry) lately. a lot of trouble sleep (im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry) ing (im sorry im sorry im sorry) (im sorry im sorry im sorry)

ptsd, really. (im sorry) with the flight or fight (im sorry im sorry im sorry) (im sorry im sorry im sorry)

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its ok. just siphoning up the scraps . its good actually. no one apprciates . undre-rated

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detritivore

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i don't deserve to eat. unless its in service of something else, useful. its ok if its fuel for me to do other tasks, or waste. and its really not ok if its fuel i should be able to burn myself to do it without any outside help and. then i should die when my tasks are all complete for everyones lifetime.

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i always liked. eating something that would have been thrown away otherwise. it makes it feel ok. and good even, im preventing waste. im preventing waste. im making sure. its. im eating the scraps and leftovers. that nobody else wants. so they don't get thrown away. so its ok. im useful. and its ok. and thats when i get to enjoy food, if nobody else wants it and theyre going to throw it away. then its ok for me to enjoy it as much asi want and im not taking it away from anyone or hurting anyone or . being greedy so its all. its ok for me to eat that specific unwanted thing. so its ok.

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yes i don't deserve to eat or be comfortable but i'm eating because i do have to eat food whether or not i deserve it. its ok im sneaky. theres a lot so i can sneak a little. its ok. no one . is stopping / would stop me. its ok. but also its ok because im. im being careful and sneaky and only eating the stuff other people don't want so its ok. i'm not hurting or in-con-ven-i-enc-ing any one

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it doesn't matter that i'm worthless without being yelled at. i can still eat and refuel and be tired tomorrow and hide it and hide it and be a good actor and hide it and . play it off like its nothing and pretend its okay and just be tired tomorrow. it doesn't matter. i'll just eat and. ignore that i'm tired. my suffering doesn't matter and if i try to make it hatter it'll only be multiplied so. i just have to. i just have to. i just have to.. o just i just have to. i just have to.

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it doesn't matter its never once mattered and; if i tried to --

it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter.

typing over and over is soothing. it's soothing. just echo. it's soothing. just echo. oh god. oh god. oh god. it's -- oh god.

what hurts is that i can't-- i have to pretend it matters and be a good actor and be a good actor and be a good actor and be a good actor and pretend that i am human and be good and pretend and pretend and . i have to pretend it matters, because if i'm honest: it's awful its un-- its cruel it's awful its horrible its too sad it hurts them it hurts them it hurts them it hurts them it hurts them it hurts them. and i can't because then they'll feel bad and then if they feel bad they'll hurt me. and hurt me and hurt me , and so i can't make them feel bad by being honest or asking for anything or asking them to be nicer to saying that it hurts or showing that it hurts. i have to be a good actor and be good and be good and be good and be good and begood and. to be quiet and keep quiet and be quiet and be quiet and keep quiet and keep . and be good and quiet and good; i have to hide any feelings i have because i'm not supposed to have those. its wrong and bad . for me . to be feeling things. im supposed to be a toy. a robot or a servant or a robot or a . little wind up doll that dispenses infromation and validation like a vending machine forever for free forever on demand forever. i can't . ask them to stop hurting me or using me i don't have a purpose i dont have personhood i'm just a machine. if i don't have a purpose , then i'm. then i should be thrown away. i'm just a machine.

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you know maybe i would believe i was a human worthy of being considered if god visibly touched me reached down and put her hand on me and left his mark glowing mark on my forehead and let divine love-power-light surge through and reset me and turn me into an entirely new thing. if god put the soul back into this body where it was suppsoed to be and "i" was erased. then maybe i'd believe that. i was worthy of consideration and safe. if god just completely transofrmed me in some undeniable way.

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i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry

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i wish i could sleep at night and not be kept up by anxiety or by desperately trying to enjoy the scarce few hours where i can't be interrupted, and then yelled at about sleeping in too late and being lazy after struggling for several hours to lay down and relax enough to sleep

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once i beat the depression and the burnout and the anxiety and the loneliness and the exhaustion and the guilt and the awkwardness and the apathy and the low income and the chronic illness and the impatience and the vulnerability and the creative block and the capitalism and the cruelty THEN you'll see

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if its not true why does all the evidence point to it being true and all the data correlate with it being true and all the predictions it creates map onto reality to well. if its not true then why does it keep being proven accurate and true and applicable. if that's not true then what the fuck is happening and why, because it seems an AWFUL LOT like the truth is something very nearly approaching that.

'what if it was just okay to disappoint people?' uhhh its not and ill get killed.

'...' and i'll deserve it. because i mean you knwo i'll deserve it because theyve been. theyve always been . trying to hurt me when im bad and disappointing them and so if i just. it's.