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I ruined all three of my kids lives because I was not strong enough to slap that shit down when it was presented to me. How am I ever going to be okay? I want to be with him so bad. Even the pills do not work any longer. I want my boy my boy my son 😭😓
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The being alone is the worst. Tarra is always a phone call away and she comes by every time she has a few minutes.
Lyric hates me as a person but loves me as her Moma.
So we all grieve separately.
It is hard.
I miss everyone and I don’t see much good there is in life.
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Do you know I should’ve punched him in the face I don’t know why I didn’t. He’s like I was just give me a kiss and I’m like no what the fuck is wrong with me 
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So my oldest called me and she’s having a tough time to obviously she’s a big sister of the two kids and of course it’s her responsibility to take care of the end, which I don’t think my older sibling thought, but Tarra’s definitely thought. And she agreed with me, or at least gave me her permission to have a I have Derek autopsies. I’ll talk to you. I have to tell you I think something else is wrong I just I’d rather pay three or four grand right now and find out that something went wrong then never know and just always think it thank you Tarra’s sometimes you’re just on my wavelength
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Do you know it’s just so fucked up dude it’s within time for you to go who is not time for you to go this song is stupid things I have to look at who cares can look at any of it  do not want to let anybody else down
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Yeah, it’s funny you always fill valve on Sunday loses somebody I need to have you come from real pain for them and you can feel it over a long period of time but when you spend every minute of every day of your life, you know give or take a few hours It’s really fucked up it is really hard you know when I like my beautiful girls I feel it to 15 times a day I feel it 100 times a day 100 times a day because that’s how many times a day I would’ve and I acted with him, or spoke with him, or thought about making a plan with him or damN
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I mean you watch movies and stories and like Debbie Reynolds died the day after after her daughter Carrie Fisher they she died of a broken heart, I actually read up on it, my heart I could feel it beating and if it wasn’t for everybody else I think I would’ve rolled over and called it a day. he was my youngest, he was my sweetest, my only boy and he was the only one that really understood me or at least didn’t blame me. Thanks I really appreciate you tell your wife thank you.
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I lost my only son and youngest child who was my best friend. I was right there and I should have handled it better.
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I might have to go hide in a one room hotel in the middle of nowhere from November 24th through December 27th. Just me and my dog. How will I survive our favorite holidays when I am barely making it through a Tuesday night?
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I am banned from my one and only grandson that I had to wait until I was 55 for!
I always said I hope my kids significant others like me. That is not working out so well.
I had to FaceTime with Leo tonight, my grandson, because I upset Lyric last weekend at the party.
Daniel is always pushing my buttons trying to get me to argue with him and I just leave the area now I refuse to fight with him.
I am not going to repeat the night but at the end of it I hurt Lyric’s feelings by the things I said upstairs in my room afterwards.
It is unfair but so is life.
I cried a lot the last two weeks over missing my grandson. Funny thing the week before Daniel all of a sudden would not let me watch him after we had time scheduled every day, but he asked others to watch him.
For some reason what I did was worse.
I fight to keep my family together but there is always some outsider trying to fuck that up.
The worst thing is most likely if I get another grand baby it will be from this Lyric and him.
That makes me even sadder.
He will always have some control over me and he loves it. Trust me.
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Barbra Streisand- you helped me to be okay with being this not quite beautiful a bit off but amazingly relatable.
I always fell for the too good looking ones. Always.
No more fantasy about good looking men for me! ( The Mirror had Two Faces)
But I am only attracted to good looking men. So not more fantasy about anyone.
Period.
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I will never ever get why you walked away instead of getting your shit together because in the end you would have been happier.
I hate attachment and commitment and love. When it comes to romantic love, this sucks. Get fucked over, still care,
How many times do I have to think this, before it becomes true?
“I hope I am done. What a fucking burden running around in my head and heart. I cannot wait to not care any longer!”
Never again.
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In the end you regret what you did not do more than what you did,
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So funny how today went and then coming here to document it and reading the last post ! Seems I am piggy backing n the last feelings.
I have children and I give them and raise them the way I wanted to be raised.
Then your children tell you the truth and you have to hear it and listen to it. Unfortunately they are a lot like you and they only say it when they are fucked up also, like me, they do not realize I have been through this lecture, so many times.
As I think about that I am happy they tell me how I have fucked them up and I am proud I did not do t more!
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Why am Not the way I am? I mean there are a lot of different subjects this could cover but right now the subject is :
How come I can become totally inappropriate to people I love or people who do not know me lol r worse to people who then have to defend me
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I am so sure of this loan and I am so excited to help all three of my kids and get us on a even scale. I feel accomplished. I would say blessed but that word does not express the reason this is happening.
This might not be the popular view but
Thank Me!
Thank Me for working hard all those years and paying my mortgage. Not always on time but it always got paid.
Thank Me for cleaning it and living in it with the intention of keeping it.
Thank Me for all the people who needed a place to live and I supplied it to them, most the time for free.
Thank Me this is all happening for me so I can follow my dreams and live happily ever after.
Thank Meness!
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