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[nurchantiqa-adifa]

to my son,

Things have been really difficult lately and we’ve both felt it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’ve had to pick up odd jobs to pay bills and put food on the table, this isn’t fair for either of us. I’m sorry that we can’t go to KL or Hong Kong like your other friends do during the holidays Trust me, the guilt is real with that because you deserve it so much! I’m sorry I couldn’t surprise you with the toys you want every month, it’s still breaks my heart that it’s something I couldn’t do for you. But I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to be the parent you deserve.

If I could give you the world, I would. Twice.

What I am sorry for the most

I’m sorry I couldn’t give you the family you deserve. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think what your life would be like if I wasn't raped. You need that. As your mom, I can only teach you so much, but I sure try. I can teach you how to drive, how to shave, how to play ball, how to be a man, but that should’ve been your dad’s job. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’ve had to experience life without him. I’m sorry for not being able to give you the father you deserve. Even though it’s easier said than done, always remember, it’s not your loss, it’s his. You're such a sweet boy.

I am writing this as I watch you sleep and I can't help but notice what seems to be a void beside us. In the usual family with one child, there would be three, but for us it's just you and me.

Still I want you to know that regardless the number, a family simply means being with people who love and support you no matter what.

My journey as your only parent was never easy. I struggled from the day I told my mum about you, and I stumble once in a while even until now, but I am proud to tell you that for once I never felt that I was doing it alone.

I did not raise you alone. I want you to remember that we were surrounded by our loved ones, a family and a community of close friends who made sure I feel loved, safe and celebrated.

I am sorry for failing to ensure you living with a dad, but that doesn't mean you were neglected. Later on in life you will realize you have been taken care of by your granddad and uncles who acted as your father and even loved you as their own.

My son, we are far from perfect and we might never be the perfect family, moreover, I am not sure if or when we will be "complete" but what I am sure of is that you will always have me.

I love you, and on some days, that will be all that we ever need.

Love,

Mummy

[nurchantiqa-adifa]

Dear You,

I met you at a very fragile time in my life. I was just coming out of a relationship that had made me questioning my judgment of character and my ability to see people for who they really are. 

I felt raw and abused: mentally and emotionally. 

The entire time, I never knew if he even cared about me but I was still terrified of losing him. Somewhere in the midst of it all, I lost my sense of security and stability. I lost my faith in love and trust in relationships. I lost myself.

Then, you found me. It wasn’t a magical moment or love at first sight. A chance circumstance led you to be a part of me. The more I got to know you, the more I wanted to know. You were quiet, a mystery, a puzzle for me to solve. I found myself seeking you out, looking for a reason to initiate conversation.

For every question I asked, you asked me two. Not only did you ask, but you listened. 

You made me feel important and interesting. I went from sharing stories about my day to sharing my dreams. Without even realizing it, my wounds were healing and my faith was returning. I can’t say thank you enough.

Thank you for listening to me.

I’m a feeler, a thinker and a dreamer. I have an overactive imagination and an endless amount of things to say. You listened without interruption and judgment. You allowed me to work through things without trying to fix them. You cared enough to try to understand me when others didn’t. You made me feel heard, but more importantly seen.

Thank you for your patience with me.

I know I could be confusing at times, going from constant communication to radio silence . Instead of pushing me to open up, you gave me space. You let me know you missed me but gave me the time I needed. You asked if you could help but accepted the answer if I declined.

Thank you for sharing your world with me.

Your friends welcomed me with open arms. You trusted me with meeting the most special members of your family. They made me feel accepted. They all did.

Thank you for helping me love myself.

You found me when I needed you most and, because you found me, I found myself too. 

Every time you were there for me, I learned to trust a bit more. I was able to believe in relationships because you never pushed me for one. I allowed myself to dream again because you helped make them a reality. You helped me see the beauty in my flaws and to realize I’m perfectly imperfect. In the process of falling in love with you, I learned to love myself too.

Thank you.

Love,

Me

[nurchantiqa-adifa]

— Mary Lambert

[nurchantiqa-adifa]

People say that we find true love when we're least expecting it—that it's a whirlwind that sweeps you off of your feet and takes you away with it. Despite growing up as a hopeless romantic, the side of me that is an undeniable realist always doubted how valid that could actually be. As much I love corny romantic comedies, I know that life isn't one of them. I never expected that love could actually take my breath away—I never expected that it could consume me with every ounce of its power.

And yet, it did.

While it's true that we met through a dating app, I was never expecting anything to come from searching for romance online. I had this notion in the back of my mind that I could find someone to talk to for a little while—someone to temporarily fill the void… but in the end, I knew it wouldn't last. One day or another, inevitably, someone would lose interest and the contact would stop. Looking back now, I think I was only searching for companionship—as impermanent as it may have been. I expected the same of you; casual conversation that would go nowhere and eventually end.

When you expressed interest in meeting, I acted on a whim and agreed. In a different situation, I know that I wouldn't have. If I had been thinking more clearly—more rationally—I would have denied your offer, and we would have gone our separate ways. While sometimes I wish I had acted with my brain rather than my heart; there is still part of me that is so thankful to have met you. The love I had for you, and the love you had for me—albeit short-lived—was the greatest gift I could have ever asked for.

I have never met someone with whom I shared the emotional connection I did, and still do, with you. Nobody had ever known me in my rawest form, until I met you. I shared things with you that I had never shared with anyone else. Hell, I shared things with you that I've never been honest with myself about. I've always found it difficult to maintain a connection with someone, because I could never reveal my true self to them. I've spent my entire life extremely guarded. There have always been walls surrounding me that I previously thought impenetrable. Until you.

I'm no stranger to pain.

Pain is a feeling I'm far too familiar with. Often, I think that pain is a defining factor of who I am. It's one of the only things I've ever known, and one of the only things I ever expect to know. I never believed myself capable of being loved, or even deserving of it. I've always been the girl who was never enough—or the girl who was too much. There has always been some facet of my being, of who I am, that drives people away. After feeling that hopelessness for so long, you start to feed into it. I was that way when I met you—utterly hopeless. Then, somehow, you lit a tiny flame inside of my heart that eventually grew into hopefulness.

From the start, there was something between us that drew me to you. There was a kind of whisper beckoning me to you in the recesses of my heart and mind. The more we saw each other, the stronger and louder it grew. It was remarkable to me how truthful I could be with you, and how truthful you seemed to be able to be with me. Our conversations were natural—easier than any words could describe. The more I learned about you, no matter how troublesome or dark, the more real you became to me. When I looked at you, there was a beautiful glow encompassing you. A glow that nothing could blacken… not your flaws; your darkness; nor your misdeeds. The more you opened yourself to me, the more you glowed. To me, you were always more than the events that made up your past. You were complex, different shades of blossoming color. I knew, in my heart, that you were a good person who deserved so much more than you credited yourself for.

The openness we shared isn't something I expect I will be able to find again. Deep within the cell of my heart, I know there will never be another like you. There will never be another person to whom I'm so drawn—to whom I so viscerally love. 

I was taken aback the moment I realized just how deeply in love with you I was. It came suddenly, and it burned hot—it terrified me. I had loved before, but never to such a degree—never in such a way. I wasn't sure how to present myself; I wasn't sure what to think, or where to go from there. I tried to stifle it as best I could, at least until I knew you were ready to bear the weight of it. Looking back, I realize now that I burdened you with it far too soon. For that, I am deeply sorry. Perhaps, if I had continued to contain it, I would still feel your love.

Our duration together will always hold a special place in my heart. You made me feel as though I could be deserving of love; that someone could handle my intensity, and return it. You made me feel wanted; you made me feel beautiful; you made me feel funny and intelligent… but above all, you made me feel loved. Nobody else has touched my heart in the way that you have. 

That is both a blessing and a curse.

I never believed in fate, in soul mates, or in true love until I met you.

[nurchantiqa-adifa]

falling in love again

life has been dreamy since that one person came in. or, barged in, I think. he brought down my walls like it was nothing. sharing the same pain and struggles, I don't know if this was something more or mere sympathy. but I see the pain in his eyes, and how much love he could give. I wonder if he sees that too, in me. I wonder if he looks at me and hears the laughter of our future kids ringing. or if that's just me. haha. I am a dreamer, always have been. i like to expect the worst from people but then shove all my defences away at the littlest act of service.

im too tired of building a future in my head with someone, putting in all the effort towards that and then ending up with heartaches over and over again. I just wna be loved, truly. how or when, or who? I'll leave it all to the universe.

[nurchantiqa-adifa]

[nurchantiqa-adifa]

H

Perpisahan memang bukan akhir dari segalanya. Tapi ditinggalkan, adalah hal yang sangat menyesakkan dadaku. Dulu, kita pernah satu tujuan. Pernah bermimpi bersama, menjalani hari2 dengan suka cita. Bersama saling mencintai, bersama saling setia sampai akhir. Setiap kata dan janji yang kamu ucapkan selalu terdengar sangat megah, selalu mampu menghalau gundah. Seakan hanya ada aku yang akan kau perjuangkan, dan hanya akulah wanita yang akan kau jaga dan bahagiakan.

Tapi kini, mengapa kamu memilih untuk tidak lagi memperjuangkan mimpi-mimpi kita? Kamu lebih memilih uituk mengubur mimpi itu sedalam yang kau mampu. Kau memutuskan untuk pergi, dan membiarkan aku terpenjara dalam jeruji kenangan sendiri.

Kamu membiarkan aku dibelenggu oleh janji-janji manismu.

Entah mungkin kelak kamu akan pergi, aku tidak akan melarangmu, karena bagiku merelakan adalah salah satu bentuk mencintai yang paling dalam

[nurchantiqa-adifa]

An open letter to myself, right here, right now.

You have dreams and ambitions and you are the kind of woman who doesn’t give up until she has achieved what she wants, but for now, you feel like your path is lost, and even though there’s a lot you want to do, you don’t know how or where to start. You know exactly what you want: A life full of adventures, helping others to feel good about themselves, and finding true love. You want to give back to people who need it and also, you want to make your family proud of you.

You don’t have to feel guilty for knowing what you want, even if everyone around you claims that you are immature, selfish, too picky or have too high of expectations.

I understand the power that those words have on your mind. I know they have slowly killed your essence and that’s the reason why you’re in your room crying yourself to sleep every night.

Also, I know that you are not okay, but if there’s anything that I can tell you is that please don’t ever lose hope. Sooner or later, things will get better, even if right now you feel like you are going to be a failure for the rest of your life, always obligated to settle for what’s second best.

Do I even believe whatever I just said? Or was I again pushed to pretend like everything is good and will get better? Nobody has ever asked me if im okay. Frankly if anyone even tried to ask me that right now, I will fall apart and unravel all the broken pieces that I tried so hard to put together all this years.

[nurchantiqa-adifa]

It's been 2 years since I wrote anything here. How exactly am I feeling right now? I don't even know what or how to respond to that, my life feels a lot like a comedy show right now. Nobody truly knows who I am, even the man I was with for 2 years. I've spewed up lies after lies of who I am, afraid to be labelled or stereotyped as the usual minahs who got pregnant at 15 and left by their boyfriends to raise her children alone. That was not my case.

As a teen, I was the rebellious one compared to my brother. I excelled academically, he didn't. But he never gave problems to my parents, while I was always running away from home, making my dad search for me on his bicycle. I was just always searching for attention from all the wrong people, at all the wrong places. Until one day, I was r*ped. I tell people that I don't remember what happened, that I was dr*gged and didn't know whatever was happening. But I lied. I remember so vividly how 5 grown up men was slapping me and thrusting me so roughly that bl00d started pouring down my thighs. At that point I could only cry and beg for god to make everything end. I still feel the pain whenever I think about that. 28 April 2015 will always remain etched as a black patch in my memory.

Then I moved on like nothing happened - I was always so good at that. Carrying on like everything was okay while I wanted to desperately kms every single day. Suddenly at one point, I felt movements in my tummy. A strong, tugging feeling. At that moment , I knew I had another life in me. I stressed so much, thinking what to do. Can you imagine what me, a 14 year old girl went through at that time? It was such a painful ordeal, I ordered ab**tion pills from the web, worked my ass off doing banquet jobs just to pay for the pills. But none of them worked, I just recall bleeding heavily during my A Maths lesson. The cramps were horrible, I was in so much pain yet I couldn't tell anyone. I fainted then for about 30 minutes. Woke up, cleaned myself and joined my PE lesson like nothing happened. This's why I never let anyone make me feel like im weak or worthless, I've been through so much with myself and I have nothing but love and utmost respect for myself and how much I managed to put through with the toughest trials life has thrown at me, I went through the next few months with a growing tummy while still championing my Netball squad, getting gold for NAPFA. how did I do that.. I have no idea. I avoided thinking of my pregnancy, I just pushed through the days trying to distract everyone from my tummy. I started eating so much so that people would think Im just fat instead of pregnant. But how long can you hide a pregnancy? Eventually one day, mama found out from the way I walked. The rest is history, I gave birth to a beautiful boy on 1st January 2016 and I've been counting my blessings ever since.

But I was never the same after that. I lost myself completely, I hated everyone and I was angry at the world. I did whatever I could to make my parents angry, I got myself expelled from school, I started drinking, I did dr*gs, I smoked. I wanted so badly for someone to save me from the mess that was in my head. I just needed a safe space at that moment. I was only 15, forced to mother a child I never intended to have. I love him, and my whole world was focused on him, yet I hated the situation and what I could never provide for him.

And then it happened all over again, I was beaten almost to death by 3 guys.

Yes, that was me. The assault left me with a hairline fracture on my spine, a fucking messed up PTSD, BPD, Major Depressive Disorder and scars on both side of my face. None of this ever left me, it stuck with me till today. I still dream of the assault some days, and I wake up wanting to end my life. Im still living in constant fear over everything that has happened. I blame myself, everyone blamed me too. Just so sick and tired of it.

Doesn't mean there's no good parts to my life though. After what happened, I spent years trying to be a better person, better mother and better daughter. I can finally say im proud of myself, I built myself up from scratch. I found ways on how to climb my way to being an Engineer. The road was long and winding, I got rejected by a lot of companies. But I only had my son at the back of my mind, everything I did from that day on was for him. I want so badly to replace the times I lost with him, to replace whatever that I couldn't give him years back.

Im still battling my mental disorders silently. I don't go to therapy - my dad deems that im just a compulsive liar who uses mental disorders as a way out to every problems in life. I wish he knew better, I wish everyone knew better. But I can't be egoistic and expect everyone to keep filling my cup, so this is me, the raw, unedited, unfiltered version of my life story. I don't know where my life will go from hereon, but I know I'll continue to kick ass no matter what. Im as strong women like that, and nobody will ever be able to convince me otherwise. 🖤

x,

Dee

[nurchantiqa-adifa]

Ya Allaah peluk hatiku seerat-eratnya. Genggam imanku sekuat-kuatnya. Aku sudah banyak kehilangan. Dan aku tak mau kehilangan Engkau.

@terusberanjak

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[nurchantiqa-adifa]

Sesekali

Sesekali pergilah ke pantai, lalu lihatlah ombak yang beradu itu, dan kamu akan paham–rasanya mengejar seseorang, tapi sekeras apapun kamu berusaha, dia tak bisa digapai.

Sesekali pesanlah secangkir kopi panas, lalu perhatikanlah uap asap yang meliuk-liuk itu, dan kamu akan paham–rasanya dibiarkan pergi tanpa dicegah sama sekali.

Sesekali duduklah di ruang tunggu bandara, lalu lihatlah pesawat-pesawat sibuk itu, dan kamu akan paham–rasanya didatangi untuk kemudian ditinggal pergi lagi.

Sesekali pergilah ke stasiun terdekat, lalu lihatlah sepasang rel sedih itu, dan kamu akan paham–rasanya bersisian namun pada ujungnya tak pernah bisa bersama.

Sesekali pergilah ke persimpangan, lalu amatilah lampu lalu lintas itu, dan kamu akan paham–rasanya sudah menunggu lama, lalu dibiarkan pergi begitu saja.

Sesekali berdirilah di bawah pohon, lalu lihatlah daun yang jatuh itu, dan kamu akan paham–rasanya bertahan sejak lama, lalu dilepaskan juga pada akhirnya. 

[nurchantiqa-adifa]

— Caitlyn Siehl

[nurchantiqa-adifa]

dia yang pergi meninggalkan sejuta luka

Kepada Tuan yang saat ini sudah pergi Aku tak tahu lagi, bagaimana kabarmu saat ini Sungguh, menahan diri dari bertegur sapa denganmu, tak kukira akan seberat ini Namun demi diriku sendiri Aku harus kuat menahan ingin apapun Yang berhubungan denganmu Mungkin kau tak pernah merasanya Aku tak peduli Bukan waktuku lagi untuk berpikir sejauh itu, saat ini

Tapi dalam tulisan kali ini Biarlah aku singkirkan semua pertahananku untuk tak menulis selain tentangmu Karena kali ini, semoga benar yang terakhir kali Aku ingin merasa lega Karena berhasil menulis apa yang hatiku rasa

Tuan, bagaimana kabarmu? Dengan atau tanpa aku, aku yakin kau akan baik-baik saja Karena di sana, mungkin telah ada dia

Tuan, bagaimana dengan kebiasaan-kebiasaan burukmu? Aku mungkin begitu bodoh, karena sampai detik ini aku masih mengkhawatirkanmu Hal yang seharusnya tak perlu lagi kulakukan Ya, semuanya sudah berganti dengan doa saja, pada Tuhan

Tuan, aku mungkin bukan yang terbaik untukmu Kau pun mungkin bukan yang terbaik untukku Dan kita, sudah pasti bukan yang dijodohkanNya Betapa sakit menulis sebuah kalimat di atas Karena dalam mimpi pun, masih selalu kau yang kuharap menjadi pendampingku Juga menjadi ayah dari anak-anakku

Ah, Tuan Mungkin ini benar akan menjadi surat terakhir untukmu Karena hatiku butuh jeda Untuk sembuh dan hidup lagi seperti sedia kala Sedihku, sedihmu Biarlah disembuhkan waktu Karena sebelum ini, kita pernah sama-sama bahagia Sebelum Tuhan mempertemukan kita

Aku tahu, sebuah kalimat “aku akan bahagia, bila kau bahagia” adalah klise Karena nyatanya, mungkin bahagiaku adalah bahagia yang berbalur sedikit nyeri dalam hati Saat kutahu kau sudah bersama yang lain nanti Namun percayalah, aku tetap ingin kau bahagia Namun kali ini, menghilanglah sejenak dari hidupku Sejenak saja

Lalu, berbahagialah, nanti, dengan caramu Dan tolong ingatlah aku Sebagai perempuan yang pernah begitu dalam mencintaimu : walau saat ini, aku sudah tak ada dalam pelukmu.

[nurchantiqa-adifa]

Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

[nurchantiqa-adifa]

When a mother says “I love you,” it means so many different things. So this is a letter to my son about the many true meanings of my “I love you.”

Dear son: I need to tell you that I love you.

And I want you to know how complex and intricate and meaningful those three words are when they come from me. I have been saying them to you throughout your entire life, but I often wonder if you know exactly what I mean when I say them.

You, my child, are supposed to take my love for granted. You should know that I love you just as well as you know your own name. My love was your very first love, and it will last last your entire lifetime, even long after I’m gone. But in case you ever wonder, I want to tell you exactly what “I love you” means to me.

When I say I love you, it’s more than a natural feeling a mother has for her child.

It means I think of you all the time. All throughout my day, my thoughts of you are too many to count. When I think about you, it can be a simple hope that you are making the best of this current moment. If you’re at school, I often hope that you’re content, that you’re patient, that you’re learning or challenged or enjoying yourself.

When you’re home, I hope that home is serene, peaceful, and comfortable. If you’re out with friends, I hope that you’re fulfilled and happy. My love is much more than admiration. My love is more than pride for who you are and what you’ll become. My love is steadfast hope that never fades.

I love you also means you are the person for whom I would stop everything.

If you ever need me, even if I can’t (physically) be there for you instantly, in my heart, I’m by your side. I’m holding your hand. I’m holding you up. I’m holding you close. I’m guiding you forward. I am there for whatever you need. No matter where you are, I am with you. No matter what, you can always call on me. So when you run out the door and you hear me say, “goodbye, I love you!” remember, this is what it means.

Because I am your mother, my love is part of your foundation.

It helped you grow into who you are today. But I know it’s not enough. I hope you know your priceless worth, yet you are humble and graceful. I hope my love has helped your heart become strong, yet vulnerable and open. I hope all your efforts are brave, but careful. I hope your heart is generous, but discerning. You must believe that you are enough to make this world a little bit better. When I tell you I love you, I’m also reminding you to believe in yourself and to love who you are.

My love for you won’t erase your mistakes.

It won’t always catch you when you fall. It won’t spare you from heartbreak or failure.

But my love for you is why I always want what’s best for you. And while what’s best might not always be what’s easiest, you can be sure that I will always have space to encourage, champion, or comfort you.

It doesn’t matter how far away you are or how old we both become. It doesn’t matter how many years go by or how many children of your own you have someday. You will always be the fire in my heart, the greatest joy in my memories, and the reason I sometimes stay awake and worry. I will love you on your happiest days, I will love you through your lowest points, I will love you when you break my heart. This love of mine will take on a thousand different forms, yet it will never change.

As you grow older, you might forget some of the little things I used to do. But I hope you’ll always know how much it means when I say I love you.

My pride and joy, Azka Faturrahman. Mummy loves you more than life.

[nurchantiqa-adifa]

Dear Dee

I know you miss him, I know that you feel sick at the thought of not having him there or at the thought of him being with someone else, but listen to me right now. He has moved on, he’s not worth it. Remember that everything happens for a reason and if he’s meant to be he will come back, otherwise there’s someone else out there for you. I know that it hurts but you’re a strong girl and you can do this, I believe in you.I don’t know why you fell for him. But despite everything he was, you saw something special in his heart. Something you could never point out what it was. Something so special that you let him ruin everything you were. You let him break yourself into pieces. And he took the pieces with him, as he walked out of your life.

Get over him. It’s as simple and as complicated as that. He doesn’t love you anymore. You’re the last thing on his mind. It hurts like hell. I know. But he doesn’t care about how you feel anymore. He found someone else. He thinks she’s beautiful, he tells her all of the same things he told you. He tells her he loves her smile and that there going to last forever and maybe they will.

Go ahead text him tell him you love him and you just can’t get over him . He won’t care. He will only read the text then delete it. He has his new girlfriend to tell him all of those things . Knowing you aren’t over him drives everything he does. When you see him in public with her he will hold her a little closer. Kiss her a little bit longer. Only because he knows your watching. And he knows you still care. He doesn’t love you anymore. And he probably never will again. Stop dreaming about the day he shows up with flowers begging for you back because its never going to happen stop jumping when you get a text hoping its him. Because its not. Texting you is the last thing he’s planning. when your watching movies stop wishing he was sitting next to you, holding you, touching you, because he never will again. Stop putting depressing things on Facebook and tumblr because he sees it and finds it annoying. There are so many other boys out there dying to date you but you push them away because you can’t stop wishing for something that is never coming true. Do you realize no matter how many times you’ve wished it hasn’t come true? Why do you keep wasting them? Focus your attention on something or someone else. It will make your life so much easier. The boy you can’t get over, is way beyond over you. You barely cross his mind. And he just doesn’t love you anymore. It’s not meant to be and no matter how many times you try he will never come back to you, ever.