nut-today

[nut-today]

human.

------------------------------

"... Aku pusing banget deh pengen ketemu."

The moment Audy and Vazhimi's conversation wrapped up, Nuraga called Audy. And yes, that was the entire reason why he called, his energy drained and he needed to recharge it by meeting his favorite person. She made a swift exit through the mall. Vazhimi, mid-bit, threw his thumbs-up when she stood up, leaving him in a blink.

Though Audy was dying to know Nuraga's version, but that conversation with Vazhimi unlocked something. When Audy and Nuraga finally met, she found herself looking at Nuraga with an extra dose of affection and a tiny urge to squish his face. She adored him she could cry.

They agreed to meet in their apartment. Nuraga's face was all crumpled, he melted into the sofa with all the exhaustion on his face. He then told her everything. Latisya’s mom was there, somehow they ended up talking personal stuff. He couldn’t stop thinking about how awkward it was. He was bothered—clearly—but couldn't figure out how to shut it down without sounding rude.

"Why did they randomly join?!"

He kept talking. She let him rant, validating his frustration, reassuring him it's ok to be annoyed. He was like a little kid mad at the world.

"They weren't suppose to be there!" Nuraga pouted.

Latisya and her mother indeed wasn't invited, and they weren't planning to interrupted either. They happened to came back from shopping and ended up sitting in different table waiting for Latisya's father. Different tables but somehow conversations happened. Honestly Latisya’s father was genuinely kind. The kind of calm, mentor-dad energy.

"But I don’t like her mother—” he murmured under his breath inside her hug. "Acting like a know-it-all..."

"Now I got you." She hugged him while stroking his hair. Her hug was steady. "You��re not mad at the dad, kan? It’s the other two. So next time, just politely keep the distance if they show up. You don't have to feel bad, it's okay."

She then explained Latisya's dad was a great potential work partner. She didn't want him sabotaging a good business opportunity over something that doesn’t matter. The business has already running. Today was just one unlucky meeting out of so many good ones.

Nuraga, on the other hand, had the scene on loop inside his mind. Latisya being all flirty, her mom and the playful tone, while some of the uncles were in tune, "Wah, cocok nih!"

"Hey, listen, listen." Audy gently told him to sit, patting the couch. "Aku pernah ada di posisi kamu, dan aku mikir kayaknya ada kesalahanku juga kenapa aku draining..."

She's never been in that position and he was the one dragging himself to the emotional mess. She just wanted him to feel lighter.

"Don't absorb. Okay? Don't absorb the energy, sayang." She held his shoulders with both hands. Steady him like an anchor. "You’re a big empath, just like me. You feel things deeply, you care about everyone, that’s why stuff like this gets to you. But in work we don’t always get to choose who we meet. So, build stronger boundaries. Energy affects people like us more than we realize. You're not meant to carry everyone anyway."

She then explained she practically had built her own shield for a while now, and she thought he needed to built some of his own too. She'd trained herself with this everytime life threw her into groups of people she didn't like, especially for those who think they’re the main character in every room. This part was true, she really had been practicing shield boundaries in real life. She’d been through it, and it worked.

That's the hardest part of being an empath. We think we're strong enough to hold the world. We care so hard for others we forget to leave some for ourselves. The cue to stop was a grey area. And when we finally stood up for ourself—that somehow linked to putting one down by not tolerating them—we feel like we’re the bad guy, even when we know they're the problem, not us. As if everything started going wrong the second we chose ourselves.

They ended up ranting about all the energy-draining people in their lives. And just like that, the whole topic of Latisya was gone.

"Some people are just mean. Mistaking our empathy to walk over us." Nuraga still nag like a toddler.

"I know. And we need to accept everyone's got their own challenge, just like awkward people gotta learn to socialize, the lazy ones fighting procrastination, and this is our thing—feeling too much. Learning not to give a damn is a hard process. But it is still doable. Baby steps count!" Audy paused. "Honestly, emotions are like muscles. The more consistent you are, the more resilient you become."

Right at that moment, Audy opened her journal. Nuraga laughed, all he needed was someone to talk, but Audy swore she had read about this somewhere and insisted he needed to hear it too. And guess what? She was right. It wasn't baseless. Science said yes.

Study said the more we recognize our triggers and ride them mindfully, say no when we meant to say no, stepping away from energy draining situation, the more sturdy our boundaries become. It will still hurt, especially in the beginning, since our old emotional residue will take time to fade. But over time it will get lighter, bit by bit, like fog in the morning.

“Look, study even say pity can lower our vibe, because we start to resonate their negativity! Itu nggak boleh, itu SALAH! We are not less important than those who we thought was in need just because we care."

They kept flipping through pages. One journal to another. What started as a curiosity turned into an all-night binge-reading. It got so deep it led them to Chinese study that proved self-control bridges the relationship between personality traits and impulsivity, saying when we’re impulsive, our self-discipline weakens and consistency suffers.

"But I think when we linger ourself with toxic people it's not empathy, it's more of our impulsivity talking. Proof we are lacking discipline in our self-compassion."

That got them to another paper: impulsivity isn’t always loud. It can also look like having poor judgement because jumping in too fast, trying to fix things before understanding them, and saying yes without having clear boundaries. It's a sign of lack discipline and overestimating capability. That’s why discipline matters, and it ties back to impulsivity. Because sometimes people end up in circumstances they don’t want initially from acting on impulse, kidding themself they can handle it all at first, when really, it’s just them being overconfidence. And when it's already too far, they ended up taking unwise risks. All because they were too ashamed to admit they couldn't handle it, which locked them deeper, as if quitting made them the villain.

"I once stayed in a space that drained me way too long. Knew it was toxic, but I told myself I could handle it—I couldnt, I was just avoiding the truth. I was afraid leaving would make me the bad person. It's weird how you knew some people were not good for you but you kept showing up anyway. All because I was ignoring the fact that walking away will give me strength."

They continue to talk about boundary issues that rooted in trauma.

The sad part is, parentified children like them were wired to believe they're the heroes at home, since their parent rely on them in emotional war they didn't sign up for. So when they stepped outside of the world, they tend to overextend themselves because that's their default setting, to rescue others that felt familiar with their internal chaos—even when it comes with toxicity and costed them their peace. They didn’t do it out of desire, but out of programming, like a habit their body need to always unlearn. When, in fact, some people they meet in their life along the way didn’t even deserve the help. Matter of fact, maybe the parentified childrens were the ones needed the help all along. Because they never really been taught to prioritize their own needs growing up, that it led to them lacking emotional discipline to even simply say: "This isn’t mine to take care.”

“This isn’t mine to carry.” That's the cure. That's the way out. The exit strategy. The step one to enter freedom. To leave.

Just tell yourself, "I'm not for everyone, I shouldn't even want to be."

Kindly but firmly. Repeatedly.

Even if it's hard. Even if it's aching. Even if it feels nonsense. Even when your brain map got blurry because us humans tend to choose familiar hell over unfamiliar heaven.

Yes, you were raised like a firefighter in a house that kept burning. But not every fire needs you. Not every broken person is your responsibility. You really can walk away.

So, to all the empaths out there, when you're stuck in a position that costs your peace, with all due respect: leave. Whether you’re carrying the weight of the world, not thinking at all, running on a deep self-reflection, having only two braincells working, you can leave. You're allowed to leave. You have every right to release everything that ruined your sanity out of your body, your mind, your heart. You can choose to walk away. You are not chained to anyone, and you owe no one nothing—even if it feels like you do. Just like how they don’t owe you anything and you never asked them to, if they expect something from you, that’s on them. If they ever blame you for walking away, let them. Let them deal with their own discomfort. Let them be angry. You are even allowed to point out their wrongdoings if you think it's needed. If—God forbid—they lash out, let them. You don’t have to stay and make them feel better about it.

One day, without even realizing it, you’ll breathe and find yourself surrounded by better people. Life will nudge you into rooms filled with so many good ones, they will automatically glue the moment you stop begging to fit in to the wrong ones, following your better frequency.

If you trust yourself just a little bit more, you’d be surprised by how capable you are. That you’re way more capable than your inner critic thinks. Just imagine what would happen if you rooted for yourself the way you root for the one you look up to, you'd probably flying. One doesn't need the whole world to believe in them in order to evolve. Just a little more self-trust, then, boom: the game changes.

------------------------------------------------

[nut-today]

his palette.

------------------------------------------------------------

Audy froze mid-type, her fingers unsure. Should she tell Gisel? She didn't know. It just didn’t feel right yet. She’d just come back from Nuraga’s place, but her mind was still there, still feel everything at what had happened. It was not something big, but it's enough to make her feel a quiet kind of discomfort. Her body felt slightly colder than usual, her shoulder tighter.

She met Maya's older brother. Mas Adit. Maya's only older brother. And she didn’t know why, but the whole thing left her feeling deeply uneasy. They had a brief conversation, and honestly Adit seemed really kind. Genuine, polite, his eyes even got teary when he knew Audy was Nuraga's girlfriend. He looked sincerely happy—No tension, no weirdness, only good intentions. And that, more than anything, made her chest tightened. Why did I feel jealous over nothing?

He praised Nuraga, said Nuraga was one of the kindest people he knew, and that Audy must be really happy. He wasn't wrong, Audy was happy. But that's also the downside of being with Nuraga—he constantly treated his partner like a gold now Audy got jealous over the tiniest things.

But, wait. Latisya didn’t bother her at all. She didn't get jealous over girls like that. Yet Maya’s brother? One conversation and Audy curled up in her bedroom, trying to regulate her emotion slowly. It wasn’t jealousy, not really. But whatever this was, Audy didn't like how this made her feel. She wished she could turn it off.

Turns out, Nuraga’s been giving Maya's brother a million rupiah almost every month. Casually. Consistently. No fuss, no reminder, Adit never even ask for it. Every fasting month, Nuraga will come with a parcel or two. And any time he went somewhere—city or country—he never came back empty-handed. Every single time, he will always come to Maya's house giving souvenirs, handsels, box of thoughtfulness, you name it.

He probably bought Maya’s brother a souvenir from Malaysia when he first chat me, didn’t he?

For some reason, that made Audy’s stomach feel weird. When it came to money, Audy could brush it off. Maybe Maya's brother was in need. Maybe Maya’s family was struggling. But to think of Nuraga buying souvenirs for Maya's family in Kuala Lumpur... back when things between Audy and Nuraga had just started… Audy was being ghosted at that exact time, and he was apparently being thoughtful to Maya's family?

She could picture it too clearly. Nuraga calmly picking out snacks and keychains, while her messages were being unseen for days.

Fuuuckkkkkkk.

She was being mad for no reason. It's in the past and Nuraga's hers and he's being a total simp now, what's the fuming for? Also, the money Nuraga gave Audy was way more than that. She's making a big deal out of nothing.

But this was not just about expense budget! It was the thoughtfulness that got her, the fact that he remembered his late girlfriend’s brother like that. If Audy vanished tomorrow… would Nuraga still care about Zaki?

Her oldest-sister instincts kicked in instantly. Did Nuraga care about Zaki because he cared about her? Or was Zaki starting to matter on his own? Would Zaki still be on his radar if Audy wasn’t here? If she's gone tomorrow… would he check in on her cutie patootie little brother like he checked on Maya's older brother?

Of course I will, my love. Of course I will.

Nuraga's voice echoed in her head out of nowhere. Damn boy. Her jealousy slowly got softened. Memories then flashed in, how Nuraga suggested taking Zaki to Dufan. Him handing Zaki some money “just in case", making conversation even when Zaki gave him nothing back.

She closed her eyes and breathed in, out, in again. Trying to calm the storm inside her mind, not weighing the feeling to blame Nuraga nor herself. She started untangling the feeling gently, tracing the feeling back to where it started, figuring out why this small thing made her chest feel heavy. Almost felt like meditating, she tried washing out her brain leaving nothing but her anger.

"... Gue kesel karena liat kakaknya Maya tiba-tiba... karena gue sama sekali nggak pernah denger tentang dia... tiba-tiba langsung diceritain banyak tentang masa lalu Raga, bukan dari Raga nya langsung... karena ngerasa terlalu entitled of owning Raga, gue jadi kesel..."

Oh, that was it! She unraveled it carefuly. It wasn't jealousy, it's the feeling of not being let in! If Nuraga had told her first, not Maya's brother, she would’ve taken it differently.

Should she tried asking Nuraga though? Maya was a heavy subject. Nuraga himself said he’d only talk when he was ready. But God Audy was curious! And lately, Nuraga barely had time to even having regular date with her, let alone having a deep talk. He also had a new business to run and his channel wasn’t performing like it used to, he even got hit by another copyright strike two weeks ago. He’d actually said it out loud the other day that "I’m stressed", which, coming from Nuraga, meant a lot. She didn't want to add more stress, unless he himself said he was ready for heavy conversations.

"Atau... gue coba reach out ke temen Raga dulu kali, ya?"

Maybe getting to know more about his past, about the way he used to be, could help her carry him better? To understand him better. His history. His patterns. The shifts he never explained but still carried. Maybe it was greedy, but Audy wanted to love him in full colors. Not to repaint him, just to know his palette. So when something’s fading, she’d know exactly which shades she could help refill.

------------------------------

[nut-today]

to be loved as a whole is to be loved by him.

------------------------------

"... Aku lupa kasih tau, waktu aku ke Surabaya, aku digenitin, tau. Hahaha."

Eating laksa that night felt less satisfying of a craving and more like hosting a gossip podcast. Nuraga mentioned that while he was designing wedding attire for his friend he was also invited to another business colleage's house, saying there's this group of well-funded, very serious mining businessmen trying to pivot into social media consulting business. Nuraga said they ended up tossing around ideas, thinking of potential business plans. The whole thing sounded promising—good people, good vision. By now they weren’t just talking anymore—follow-up meetings had happened, even in Jakarta, which said a lot. Nuraga liked their energy, from the way they talked to the kind of business they wanted.

"... cuma ya itu, kocak banget kalo si perempuan yang naksir aku lagi ikut papanya."

"Aseekkk!" Audy giggled mid-slurp his soup. "Mayan itu bapaknya orang tambang—"

"Hih." Nuraga felt giddy just by the thought of it.

He had zero interest in that kind of girl. Sure, she was pretty. But he could tell she was probably used to get whatever she wanted since birth, from the way she talked to the way she flirted. And though some people found it cute, but that that kind of cute—spoiled, clingy—was not his thing. Not even close.

"Nama IG nya apa? Tau nggak? Mau liat aku."

latisyazanita

Naturally, Audy found herself deep-diving into the girl’s Instagram. She wasn’t even taking it seriously, just harmless scrolling for giggles—Audy being curious and nosy for fun. They had a huge age gap, this Latisya girl was way younger, she's still in college confirmed by her IG posts. But eventually it was Nuraga who ended up annoyed he decided to stay away from Audy, he started tidying his laundry pile, then moved to cleaning random corners of the house—anything to stay away from Audy’s phone screen. The aura just irritated him.

Across town, Robi and Vazhimi were also lost in their own little digital worlds. Heads down, thumbs scrolling, talking about Sew Ga.

"... Menurut gua tuh sebenernya kita udah butuh rekrut orang baru deh, takut mulai keteteran anjir!"

"Iya! Tapi Raga pasti lebih pilih naikin gaji kita dibanding nyari orang."

Sew Ga had been around for years without ever needing more people. But with Robi balancing edits and uploads, today’s copyright mess left him a little more on pressure than usual. He was scared he’d mess up even worse next time, especially if there was no one else to review his work.

Honestly, Robi's and Vazhimi's paycheck were more than great. Their salary were solid, and Robi knew Nuraga wouldn’t hesitate to raise it if he told him the workload was too much. But the money wasn't the point, he just didn’t want to mess things up again.

Nuraga's one weakness was, unfortunately, having a hard-time delegating tasks. Not because he didn’t want help—he just struggled trusting new people. Trusting people didn’t come easy to him. In the early days, it was Maya who recommended Robi and Vazhimi to Nuraga. From then on, the trio never changed. They never even thought of adding someone new. Same thing happened with Sew Ga tailor studio—the staff had been there for years. He only ever hired someone new if it was absolutely needed, otherwise he'd rather just raise salaries.

That's the thing about Nuraga, when it came to money, he had never been the calculating type, especially to people he trusted. Just like Audy, who at this very moment, was unaware getting his full attention. Audy had no idea how adorable she looked grinning at her phone, completely oblivious that Nuraga watched her from behind. He caught himself smiling, the kind of smile that only showed up in rom-com movies.

He was so happy he started planning things he hadn't said out loud. His brain wandered about Audy’s future monthly expenses, what kind of house she’d want to live in, and how she might decorate her future walk-in closet. Just as he was about to hug her from behind—maybe even kissed her hair—he noticed a tiny stain on the inside of her sweater collar. And just like that, his brain shifted. He started analyzing the fabric instead, already thinking about buying her a new one. That’s how much of a caring person he was. Sometimes, if Audy casually mentioned a certain scent or snack she liked, it would magically appear at her place within days—no big declarations, just consistency. Without making a show, he’d spend on her the way most people spend on hobbies—naturally, generously.

"Kamu kenapa?"

"Nggak apa-apa ini ada noda—" Nuraga didn’t even finish his sentence, he just leaned in and kissed her hair instead—long and full. Then he nuzzled deeper, quiet a sink-in, like he was making a home there.

"Aaaw..." Audy made a background noise.

After that, their conversation shifted to Audy’s YouTube channel. Brainstorming what could be prepped that very time, even if it's just the bare bio of her profile. The rest of the night, Nuraga went on full 101 YouTube tips mode, sharing strategies, algorithms, and little behind-the-scenes secrets growing a channel. Somewhere between all the talk, a quiet warmth wrapped around them. Nuraga explained things with so much care, gentle, with affection behind every sentence. Then Audy realise, being loved as a whole is being loved by him.

------------------------------

[nut-today]

aisles & affections

------------------------------

They made it to the supermarket. Audy rushed downstairs. The store closed at nine, and it was already 7.41 PM, Audy knew monthly shopping always took forever, so she’s hurrying before the store closed.

The supermarket was unexpectedly lively—carts clinking, people debating chili sauce brands, kids ran around. Nuraga and Audy strolled through aisle after aisle. One moment they were picking out shampoo, the next they were comparing milk labels, looking for one with the lowest calories. Their cart filled slowly—detergents, frozen foods, toiletries—and by the time they reached the seasoning aisle, Audy was already comparing brands.

"Bikin cookies mau nggak—"

"Yuk!"

Nuraga blinked. She didn’t even wait for the rest of Nuraga's question. They then turned their cart to the flour aisle. Audy's eyes lit up, she was already scanning brands like reading resumes.

"Tau nggak, cookies enak atau nggak tuh diliat dari teksturnya. Crispy di pinggir, chewy di tengah ..."

That one sentence opened the gates. Suddenly she was on a roll, explaining brownie crusts, pancake fluff ratios, and why cheesecake should never crack.

"... Brownies? Baiknya shiny di atas. Cheesecake? Jangan overbake, nanti retak. Pancake? Jangan diteken spatula ..."

Nuraga smiled pushing the cart, being all ears as Audy went on. Somewhere between flour and vanilla extract, he realized his head didn’t feel so heavy anymore. Before he went to the gym, his mind had felt dull over Sew Ga problems he faced earlier. He then told Audy about it. Audy started asking questions—about YouTube regulations, Creative Commons, and all kinds of copyright licenses—and Nuraga explained them one by one. That’s how they ended up talking about starting an ASMR baking account for Audy. The conversation got more animated, their mood went to the roof. They even started thinking: why not just record it the next time Audy bakes? Which, if things went as planned, could literally be tonight.

They were so caught up in excitement, Audy didn’t realize she’d been holding in her pee until it hit her. She really needed to pee. When they saw the cashier line, Nuraga didn’t even hesitate,

"Ke toilet aja sana, aku yang antri. Panjang banget ini."

And just like that, poof! Audy was gone, sprinting toward the restroom like her life depended on it. (It kind of did.)

------------------------------

[nut-today]

Papers and journals and unlearning

____________________________________________________________

"... So, apparently, being avoidant whether it's in career, friendships, and relationships is a trauma response! ..."

Nuraga and Audy were on FaceTime, casually nerding over psychology journals. Deep dives into all kinds of knowledge with legitimate sources was their kind of new fun since two weeks ago. Initially it started when they tried library date, turned out the both of them enjoyed this kind of quality time. The only difference was that while Audy only had stars in her eyes learning psychology, Nuraga was open to anything, he liked learning in general.

Just like today, earlier, Nuraga already had his share on global agriculture development. Now it's Audy's turn, jumped in with her psychology papers she found online. She's so fired up the energy was contagious.

"... this human behavior tendency I found is crazy. You need to hear this—"

"... it explains attachment style develops as a result of a child’s early experiences with our caregiver—"

"... Listen to what this one psychologist says—"

"Kak."

At one point, Zaki—Audy's younger brother—barged into the room. He briefly interrupted their FaceTime. Came asking for money then returned with snacks for both of them, he ended up enjoying listening his sister and her maybe-boyfriend unpack attachment theory like it's a podcast.

Speaking of boyfriends—yes, Nuraga's Audy’s now. There was no grand confession, they simply talked, said they were interested in walking through life together. Somewhere along the way, their gue and saya quietly softened into aku-kamu. Calls became part of the routine. Videocall, FaceTime, they called each other when they're apart.

Just like this moment.

The reason why Nuraga and Audy were FaceTiming was because Nuraga was in Surabaya. Audy was in her parents' house. Nuraga wasn't in Surabaya for another seminar, nor for shooting another content. He was there to work on wedding designs. After what felt like forever, Nuraga had started to love sketching again. One of his colleague wanted him to draw exclusive attires for their wedding. And yes, the client was national-important VIPs, they insisted on covering all of Nuraga’s expenses just to have him come to them not the other way around.

Moments like this made Audy wonder how someone like Nuraga could fall for someone like her. Well Audy is cool, and sure she might be even more cooler in the future, but Nuraga is VIP-level cool! Sometimes seeing him felt like a different kind of extravagant. Had it was not for her cookies, Nuraga might've never gotten that serious the first time they knew each other. God’s matchmaking is chaotic sometimes.

"Dek, gimana Windy?"

"Apa seh."

When the deep discussion ended, the FaceTime stayed open. No real topic, just light chatter, Audy pulled Zaki onto the conversation as if it was family show. Audy had said it earlier, Windy—Zaki's girfriend—had messaged her, and that’s how she learned that those two were in the middle of classic teenage drama.

"Windy sampe coba chat Kakak tuh! Baik banget dia, kabarin balik gih!"

"Ya nanti."

Audy found it oddly cute seeing Zaki started dating. Zaki had always been the popular good-looking kid in school, but this was the first time he actually dated someone. Turns out all those years being handsome didn’t matter, he just needed someone who have something in common. They bonded through Manchester United. Meeting at football watch party couple of times, now there they were.

"Suka MU, Jak? Nobar di rumah gua kapan-kapan, sahabat gua ada yang suka MU juga. Kadang kalo ada pertandingan bikin nobar di depan rumah."

"Iya Bang, aku kenal pacarku kan karena ketemu di nobar rumah Bang Raga, hehe—"

"Oh iya? Waaah!!"

Zaki then going full football mode to Nuraga, geeking out over the English Premier League. Nuraga actually didn’t follow football, he didn't even pretend to enjoy it. Football bored him. He's more of a hiking boots and chasing sunrise kind of guy. But he liked the way Zaki, or Robi, or anyone of his friends lit up when they talked about it. So he stayed and listened, sometimes he could still mention a thing or two, obvious stuff, like, "MU kalah lagi nggak semalem?"

On the other side, Zaki was totally unaware Audy had secretly called Windy with her phone. Before anyone noticed, Zaki’s girlfriend had somehow joined the conversation too—silently, sneakily, happily.

"Bang Raga kan punya banyak uang, mending beli MU abistu bubarin." Zaki grumbled. "Jadi club bola kalah mulu mending jadiin club malem aja."

"Hahahaha ..."

Audy and Nuraga laughed, so did Zaki. But the moment Zaki heard a laugh he knew way too well, his smile froze. His face dropped.

"Kakak telfon Windy ya?!!?"

Windy immediately ended the call but Zaki was already stormed out of Audy's bedroom.

"Adek! Adek!!"

"Kakak mah gitu—"

"Dia sampe langsung matiin telfonnya parah banget—"

"Jangan asal telfon lah—"

"Ya kasian itu Windy! Telfon balik sana!"

"Ish!" And just like that, Zaki disappeared. No more sound. Door slammed, boy's gone.

"Haha." On the other side of the FaceTime, Nuraga chuckled.

"Hey sorry for what happened—"

"It's ok haha, funny to see." He laughed because it kind of reminded Nuraga of his younger days. Years, years ago.

But because it reminded him of the old days, suddenly his mind shifted.

Berore growth, before gentleness. The old him, stubborn, prideful, all sharp edges, convinced the world owed him an apology before he owed anyone else one.

Damn.

Nuraga went silent.

"Hey?" From the screen, Audy noticed. "Are you alright?"

Nuraga was laughing just seconds ago. Now his eyes were unfocused. His pencil—earlier carefully sketching—now suddenly scratching over the blank page in frustration.

"Hey? Hello?"

His hand stopped mid-scribble . "Hm? Y-yeah."

It took him to moments he rarely visited—too sore to miss. Something about Maya had crept back in. Actually when Audy mentioned the part about career and avoidance, Nuraga had already thought of Maya. But he just didn't like this version of him. And if Maya was here, she probably hated it even more.

"Some things remind you of her?"

Now Audy noticed it too. Goddammit.

"What is it about Maya that made you this way?" Audy asked. Not with jealousy, but with empathy. She'd been there—grieving, longing—and if she could help him unlearn some of that ache, she would.

"How do you let go of your dad for real, though?"

"Emang waktu itu ada yang triggering banget, kalau case aku." Audy sighed. "Papaku yang sekarang dan Mama menikah, aku nggak bisa kontrol itu padahal I was still clenching too hard of this happy family I've had in mind, terus satu-satunya cara ya cuma ikhlasin something that is not even there anymore."

Nuraga let out a big sigh. He was deep in his thoughts.

"Is it because your story with her? The love? Too good to be true?"

No. No. That's not the case. If anything, he and Maya used to joked about it. Pretending love was a weight to be measured, whoever could carry more would win—Spoiler: nobody did admit.

"I mean, like... seeing your brother, jadi keinget jaman dulu, mungkin jadi relapse aja. Ntar juga lupa."

"But actually aku beneran mau tau tentang Maya if you don't mind. Not because I'm trying to compare or anything, pengen tau aja. Sama kayak kamu tau dua papaku."

Hhhh.

Audy was nothing but gentle. Nuraga knew she had this way of making people feel lighter, less tensed. But Maya… opening up about her meant facing corners of himself he still flinched at.

'Maya!'

'Nuraga!'

Suddenly it all came back—the little gestures, the way him and Maya used to joke, the way they used to laugh at nothing.

"Me and Maya met in high school, kita satu SMA. We weren't really friends at first. Sometimes we met in the hallway. Very rarely we ended up walking home by coincidence." Nuraga paused himself, sorting which stories to tell. There's just too much underneath it. "I think I can only talk about Maya whenever I'm ready?"

"Whenever you're ready."

____________________________________________________________

[nut-today]

her first safe place.

--------------------------------

Audy's father was her first safe place, her first love. Picture a warm hug in a dad form, that's him. He didn’t just raise her, he treated her golden age like it was an actual gold—handled with care, stored in warm blanket, emotionally insured. That man probably read parenting books for fun.

He’d walk Audy through a toy aisle and let her bought anything she wanted. Even when she was in trouble, she preferred getting scolded by him. Because he made scolding less of an emotional soap opera unlike her mother. With her mom, there were fights that could’ve ended with “Audy, don’t do it again” but somehow she made it in a dramatic monologue and yelling scene. Audy had told her numorous times—gently, logically, repeatedly—but she just couldn't change.

The more Audy thought about it, the more it hit her. Maybe for Audy, when it comes to emotionally detaching herself from her parents, it wasn't just about detaching from her alive mom, it was actually untying herself from her deceased father. She clings on him way too much, even after he was gone. At one point she realize she hung her hopes on a life that included him, as if his absence was just a long trip, not forever.

Until she understood that's not how life works.

Somewhere along the way, she stopped waiting to be rescued by her father emotionally and started owning up to herself. Taking responsibility for everything life throwing her at, whether it was nice or chaos.

As for Audy's mother, the worst part was her and Audy kinda shared the same flaws, except Audy did the work to change while her mom stayed exactly the same. That's where her heart ache because she believes kids deserve parents who grow, not ones who expect unconditional love while staying exactly the same.

Audy had lost count on how many times she’d tried to align her heart with her mother's logic and failed. Some of the things her mom did just felt… off. Misaligned in a way that left her questioning. It didn't sit right with Audy, like they were living two different versions of what ‘caring’ should look like.

She did love Audy, but she also did things that only made sense to herself. It wasn’t just the overdramatic way of expressing herself, it was how she's kinda self-centered. The way everything had to orbit around her mom's condition. Audy grew up learning to edit herself every now and then just to keep the peace—shrink this, soften that—until she realize she ain't doing that game anymore. Her mother could continue being who she is, Audy doesn't have to contort herself to be a good daughter. As long as she stays kind, stays grounded, stays empathetic, stays honest, she's enough. Even if her mom didn’t always see it that way.

It's unfair to always trim parts of herself to avoid becoming too much. Even if being her whole self meant not being truly understood by her own biological mother… Audy had made peace with that, maybe that's what life gave her, some people get different kinds of trials in family, some caused by poverty, some for the cheating scandals, and this was hers. Other people had it worse, she knew that. But this was still real. Audy's version of 'hard' came wrapped in politeness and passive guilt, and sometimes that's even harder to explain.

One time Audy was so mad she snapped at her mother. She didn’t mean to say it but it slipped out, hot and sharp: “You’re lovable just not so motherly.” And they both stood in silence, like something sacred had just cracked. That day Audy saw something rare—her mom actually stopped. She reflected, even cried. And for a second Audy thought maybe, just maybe, it will change from then on. But a year later her mom was doing the same thing, with the same behavior. Audy realise then her mom wasn’t a software she could update. She came with default settings, including the dramatic yelling feature when she's mad.

"Manusia kalo udah tua mah susah berubah Kak." Her younger sibling said it so casually once. Audy envied him by how unbothered he is. He's strangely so zen about it, even felt like he had made peace with it, as if expecting emotional guidance from parents was optional.

To her sibling, emotional assurance was a bonus. To Audy, it was supposed to be the standard. And maybe that’s why she stayed mad longer. And Audy recognized it too in Nuraga, how slowly he was to open up. The hesitation, the silence, the calculated kindness. It wasn’t coldness—it was survival. The same kind she’d practiced for years. Maybe that’s why she didn’t mind waiting for Nuraga to open up. She saw it. The way he protected his heart. Because she did that too. Out of habit. Out of fear. It's familiar. Like two people who had both learned not to expect too much—who were now learning not to expect too little either.

"And I think maybe that's why I'm so grateful of you." Audy said tenderly to Nuraga. “You remind me of my dad. The way you are… it’s almost exactly like him. You feel like home in a way I haven’t felt since my dad was around."

They were now sitting at the bench outside their apartment building, a month after laksa and hundreds of jog rounds in their apartment park. This time they were just chilling with milk-tea and snacks in hand, enjoying the fresh air under the trees. It wasn't planned, but as they were talking, Audy felt like telling all of those things to him. It wasn’t that she wanted to tell him everything, it was that she couldn’t not tell him her background story.

A month in, so many things shifted. They weren’t just talking—they were trusting. They talked more. Laughed more. And somewhere in the middle of all that, Audy realized Nuraga is apparently so protective, probably the most protective person she’d ever met.

She really meant it when she said she was so grateful for him. Maybe because after her dad was gone she became so emotionally guarded, when her dad got replaced she felt like she no longer had a safe place to land. Her stepdad was nice, supportive, paid the bills, but it's just hard to lean on him naturally. Even at her most vulnerable state, she couldn’t bring herself crying in front of him. To her, he's more of a 'structural support' than an 'emotional shelter'. Not because he is cold, but simply because he is just not her real father.

"That's also why," She said, voice half-buried inside Nuraga's chest. He's already hugging her now, like he always does. That boy really likes to hug, one of his top love language is probably physical touch. "That's also why I always told myself to emotionally detach myself from my mom, not because I stop loving her, but because I stop asking anything in return. And that screams love too, right? Accepting in its full form."

My good girl. Nuraga kissed her hair.

“I know she cares. Deeply. But love isn’t always enough when the personalities clash that hard. And maybe that’s okay. I will always try to respect her as two adults accepting other's weaknesses. It works rather than expecting her with the vision of daughter to a mother."

And that is why Nuraga admire Audy. Must be hard to always be the emotionally mature one in the parent-child relationship.

"Keren banget cewek gua."

They both laughed. But Nuraga meant it though, he might not say it out loud but he's so proud of Audy. That girl has depth, and it's his weakness.

Right then and there it reminded Nuraga of the old days again. Lingering himself to Audy felt like seeing Maya all over again. Audy and Maya got so many similarities, except now this girl is breathing, laughing, living.

Thank you, Lord.

But, wait. Can he stop thinking about Maya though?

--------------------------------

[nut-today]

Love.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

It was a light call. Turns out Nuraga laughed knowing Audy was overthinking—which, to be fair, that didn't make her assumption was wrong though. But still, she felt relieved. They ended up meeting at the lobby, and guess what? Nuraga joined her jogging. Just for one round, he thought to himself.

The sun came out unreasonably bright, matching their mood. Like a great romcom setup.

Nuraga talked about his mother for a bit. Said Audy didn't need to worry. Everything is "under control", classic Nuraga. Besides, he was actually going to his parents’ place today. He called his mother earlier this morning, so it's not because he just wanted to sound emotionally adjusted in front of Audy.

Audy let out a sigh of relief. She believes he could handle heavy stuff like that anyway, she knew he's good at regulating his emotions. Nuraga just had that emotionally-mature-boyfriend energy, even when it comes to childhood wounds wrapped in parental guilt.

But actually ever since he got closer to Audy, his feelings toward his mom got better too. Funny how things only started to heal once Audy was around, like she was the missing recipe this whole time. Is this what they call girlfriend magic?

By afternoon, Nuraga had lunch with his mom. Just the two of them. It felt softer than usual, like a little piece of calm had finally found a seat between them. His mom cooked his favorite dish. One bite in and Nuraga was eight again, feet dangling off the dining chair, no idea how messy life would get someday.

He also took Audy's cookies that she gave the other day to his parents. And before he knew it, her name slipped into the conversation. Then they started talking about her. Not in a big dramatic way, just a little mention—enough to make him smile a bit. Again, he found himself got a little tender now to his mother. Like when he brought up topics that it bothered him when his mom pushed certain stuff about him to other people, or that he needed her to stop crossing boundaries he wasn’t ready for, he didn't say it in anger this time. In fact, he was rather calm about it, trying to understand his mom has limits and weaknesses too. Was this what having an emotionally literate girlfriend did to a man? Because wow. The girlfriend effect is very real.

Later at night, Audy ended her broadcast with a conversation just as warm. Not really related to Audy and Nuraga's condition but she just wanted to brought that one up because it felt sweet. She talked about love—as cheesy as that sounds.

"... Di sini ada yang suka Queen Charlotte nggak? ..."

She opened the topic by talking about that prequel of Bridgerton first, telling the audience how she rarely enjoyed romance series but that one drama really did something to her heart. Then she brought it up, almost shyly. That maybe, just maybe, she saw herself in Charlotte.

"... Once a girl knows her love isn't being taken for granted, we could love you loud even in the most quietest way. Even if it involved making space, like how Charlotte was willing to stay away from George not because she wanted to but because he needed it, even though her heart was breaking. That wasn’t giving up, that was choosing him—in his own terms.

As Queen Charlotte wisely put it: 'I care not for his sanity. I care for his happiness. I care for his soul.'

And I think that's the most beautiful thing a person could offer, surrendering for the sake of someone they love. Because their happiness matters just as much."

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

[nut-today]

Underneath The Warmth

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The rain kept pouring. Even as the laksa sat hot ready on the table, it was still raining hard outside. Audy and Nuraga sat across from each other, the steam from the laksa fogging up the space between them. It felt like a scene. Honestly, it was the most romantic two soups she had ever looked.

The aroma hit them first—spicy, rich, yummy. Then came the smiles. Big, satisfied, damn-we’ve-succeed smiles. They’d been talking nonstop the whole evening, but as soon as they start eating, the conversation paused itself. Priorities, clearly.

Audy noticed Robi's place looked way tidier than before. Maybe it was because this time Robi and Vazhimi weren't around, but Audy had a feeling this wasn’t about them. This specific level of organized peace screamed Kusumo Danuraga. She remembered how clean his house was. Freakishly clean. This was totally a Nuraga thing, no doubt.

Technically Audy was tired, so tired she could feel the fatigue in her legs. But it didn’t matter. Today was fun in a very specific way. It was her first time seeing him in the kitchen, and honestly it's worth every ounce of exhaustion.

They cooked together, but the contrast was unreal. Audy chopped like she's giving butcher energy while Nuraga is out here doing Michelin-star realness.

"I think you're kinda wrong." There's even this one moment where he corrected her knife angle like a cooking instructor! Embarrassing! She might be untouchable in baking, but with foods like this she looked like a total menace.

"Damn," She muttered at one point. I’m the helpless one in this duo.

She knew she looked chaotic next to him. And weirdly… it made her want to behave. Hope that didn't sound so sexual.

Between the soft clinking of spoons and the bites of food, each of them quietly wondered, was there anyone else who tried to get your attention? And if there was… did they come close to being me?

If anyone tried to take their place while they weren't around… did they stand a chance?

Then out of nowhere Nuraga asked that very question. Audy nearly choked. Telepathy was real. And just like that, they talked about it. Awkward but honest. Genuine and safe. No, there was no one else. And if there ever was, they would tell each other for real.

They joked, they laughed, they debated how laksa should really taste. It was all easy and ordinary again. Until her eyes caught notifications pop up from his phone as Audy was getting ready to leave. Nuraga saw her glance, and this time, he knew she noticed. It was from his mother, and he didn't seem to be too amused getting those.

Without a word, he locked his screen.

Awkward.

It might seem like nothing’s wrong, but simply assuming he's fine wasn't right either. She never wants to come off as a know-it-all, but there were so many things Audy wanted to say. Not in a “let me fix you” way, more like a “hey, I’ve been there too” kind of way.

But every time she tried to speak, it felt like crossing a line. She wanted to connect, not lecture. So instead, she remained silent.

As she walked out of the door, her mind wandered. Had Nuraga tried detaching himself emotionally from his parents, so then he could love them without stretching himself too thin? Audy had so many things inside her mind, she'd learned it the hard way, advices she could give him considering she'd been there, done that and it helped her so much, left her wiser and happier. The emotional distance she built wasn't a wall, it's a soft place to protect the love she still had for her mom, because of course she still love her. And she knew, somewhere in that complicated mess, her mom loves her too. But love isn't a magical fix, especially when the people giving it don't even realize they're messing up. It's like using WiFi in a dead zone—technically there but good luck in actually using it. More often than not, parents weren't supervillains, they're just people with feelings they didn't know how to handle. Unfortunately that meant Audy had to grew up without a good compass. So she emotionally detached, not out of rebellion, just out of survival. It sucks but so did crying over the same childhood wound every year.

If only she could toss her history at him so easily. She felt like talking about this through her broadcast won't be enough.

Hope he's alright. She could only say that inside her mind as they say good bye.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[nut-today]

He got a serious emotional firewall—nothing gets in or out unless he lets it

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The call was nice. Out of nowhere, unexpected, pure serotonin. Nuraga said he saw how fun Audy's Insta stories were in Jogja and thought, “Yep, I’m calling.” very impulsive. Just like how he moved into Robi’s place with zero discussion. The king of “why not?” in a good way.

The call ended with something to look forward to: a meal together once they have landed in Jakarta. Nuraga mentioned there's this insanely good laksa he had in Singapore, so good he wants to try making it at home. All of those things left Audy with this giddy, quiet kind of joy, that made her last day in Jogja got twice better.

Getting ready that morning was supposed to be casual, but instead Audy had turned into a happy mess. She still giggled over last night’s call while shaving, blow-drying, and styling her hair. She nearly burned herself while she flat-ironing remembering something Nuraga said last night.

Nuraga started the call with apologizing. He felt bad for calling out of the blue like that—impulsive, even for him. Then, somehow, the conversation swerved into them—whatever this thing between them was supposed to be.

Nuraga’s words were simple: “If there’s no clear intention, I don’t see the point of getting close to someone. Wasting time.” and that is so Nuraga—logical, blunt, emotionally guarded. There was a moment where Nuraga went oddly quiet, or clearing his throat mid-sentence. You could tell he's not the type of person who likes to flirt, not because he couldn’t, more like he just doesn't see the fun in it. Audy figured if Nuraga made a move, it was because he had a reason. When he acted on impulse, it wasn’t for attention. It was because he really, genuinely wanted to. Everything Nuraga did felt… curated. Like how he kept the whole conversation in English last night. Which made sense. You and I were neutral ground. Aku and kamu? That was dangerous territory, something neither of them seemed ready to cross—at least, not yet.

Honestly Audy kinda wanted to be the first one to switch their pronunciation to aku-kamu just to break his emotional fortress. He also seemed to be too polite to do it first, which made it even more tempting.

The flight to Jakarta took a few hours. When she finally landed, the city greeted her with rain. A heavy one. The rain had her craving warmth in every form. So when Nuraga casually texted her he already had the ingredients ready for laksa,

"Hell yeah fucking right." It came out of her mouth before she could even filter.

Being home felt good. But being home and getting to hang out with Nuraga again? That felt so much better. He had insisted on cooking the laksa himself so Audy could eat the second she arrived but she begged him to wait. She wanted to cook it together. And so he did.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[nut-today]

The Cure Call

_____________________________________________

"Haha." Nuraga chuckled before he couldn't even stop himself. Seriously? How empty of me to be so full of you?

TikTok was usually just a work thing for Nuraga—reference-checking, algorithm-spotting, Sew Ga ASMR account—But seeing that one video Audy reposted got him staring at his phone screen a little bit longer. Maybe that was just a repost, maybe it didn’t mean anything, but that still felt like a digital confession, no matter how hard he tried not to get too cocky about it.

"ARGGGRGRGRGHH!!"

At the same time far away from his place Audy was on her bed, aggressively messing up her hair as she tried to remove the said reposted video. Too late, Audy, too late.

The repost was impulsive. Audy didn’t even think, just tapped “Share” like her brain was on an autopilot mode. Maybe because she’d been thinking about Nuraga too much ever since they live next door, or maybe because even though they live next door they barely even meet it got her moody. He was barely ever home, he's always flying out on work trips, and her own calendar was no better—meetings, recordings, chaos—So yeah, even though they live nearby, it seems like Audy could meet anyone but Nuraga.

She missed him.

"Tapi kalo dia baca terus kepedean gimana?!?!" Audy muttered, forgetting the fact that she baked him cookies and semi-flirted him for weeks now.

The thing is, though they seem to know they are catching feelings, both are too emotionally disciplined (or scared) to break the surface. Their chats were still bare-minimum, dry enough to be flirty but cute enough to called it a colleague—and yes, they still mix 'Saya' and 'Gue' every now and then—so to claim she's Nuraga's now is a stretch but God Audy wanted more.

Times like these hit harder. Audy was in her hotel room in Jogja, while Nuraga was miles away in Singapore. This time he came for YouTube community event like a real grown-up. She was horizontal and spiraling, he was probably in a blazer with a thousand-buck pen.

See? Audy is close enough to know where he is but not close enough to know how he is. Maybe Audy was being demanding, but God forbid a girl want to have her man's notifications every few hours.

Knock knock knock!

Her friend knocked on her door and she dashed out. She'd originally planned to swim with her friends, after that they had dinner in this one viral place their group had been dying to try before they even landed in Jogja.

"Hahahaha ..."

She was on full clown mode. Laughter was always heard every five minutes in between the group's conversation. But as fun as it was to be out with a big group, something about it still left her unfulfilled.

It's lively. But it's just not complete. Not without him.

"Hhh..."

Back in the hallway, Audy let out a long breath. Not dramatic, just… tired. The hotel hallway was quiet, it's past ten anyway. She yawned when she opened her door. If she was a phone battery her percentage might be 2% at best.

Drrrrttt

But then her phone buzzed.

A call.

From: Danuraga

Instant revival. Thank you, boy.

_____________________________________________

[nut-today]

Rom-Com Detected

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nuraga saw her differently now. Something shifted in him. It wasn’t because her scars mirrored his, it's how she had the guts to show them. It's as if the courage inside her say, 'Here, look—I’ve been broken too.’

When Nuraga found out Audy knew about Maya, he'd braced himself she might be like any other people that would pity him. With everyone else, knowing about Maya always changed something—like they stopped seeing him and only saw his grief. Their tone changes, their eyes soften. He hated it. He didn’t want to be pitied. He feared Audy would be the same.

But she didn’t.

She didn't even feel like trying to cheer him up. She just told him her story. Full honesty, gently laid out like a hand extended.

They decided to call and there was a subtle shift in the air. Audy’s voice had flowers in it. Nuraga didn’t know how to put it, one thing for sure he didn’t just listen—he lingered. Like whatever this was, he didn’t want it to end.

Nuraga then picked her up and they had dinner together before going home to the apartment. They still switch between 'Gue' and 'Saya' while talking, totally cute.

Mid-drive, with one hand on the wheel and eyes on the road, Nuraga dropped a lowkey comment about her broadcast earlier. Not in a big way—just a small bit in the conversation.

"Your broadcast tonight was really, really good."

"Haha really?"

"Yes!"

He wasn’t sure if Audy needed a pat on the back or someone to feel the sorrow for her but she legit seemed like she didn't need one, so he just told her he enjoyed today’s broadcast so much—like he always does. Nuraga meant it. It hit him right in the chest.

Since the topic today was grieving of her father they ended up on the subject of her stepdad. That her father now was the man her mom married only two years after her dad died. Nuraga, who’d been full of questions through the night, suddenly went quiet when he found out that part about her. Audy might not say it out loud, but the way they went silent after, it's as if she confirmed she didn't want her mother to get remarried so soon.

"Hhhh..." She even let out a sigh after. Like a perfect way of saying, "Shit happens. And if I don't like it, life doesn’t always ask for your opinion right?"

That made Nuraga also let out a small sigh. It must've been hard for Audy to endured it too early, too young.

The song played on the radio was the only one breaking the silence between them.

If this was Maya she'd already got five jokes to change the topic already.

NOPE! No! He blinked after that thought creeping in. He had to stop doing that—comparing the two. Completely uncool.

Audy, on the other hand, got her eyes wandered on the streets. Seeing Nuraga went quiet after that topic, not even a simple “I'm sorry to hear that.” Put Audy on a relief. Honestly she needed that silence more. It meant he understood there were parts of her story she wasn’t ready to narrate. On her broadcast earlier, there was also a moment when Audy thought, Should I talk about mommy issues? But nah, too early. It's not like her prediction of him was true, and even if it was, something that complicated better be talked once they've grown way closer than this.

They finally arrived in the apartment. And once they each finally stepped into their own apartment door, it suddenly hit her,

Holy crap, me and him are literally next-door neighbors?

So romcom detected!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[nut-today]

The Frequency That Found Him

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The days went on.

Audy went back to her regular radio shifts, spinning songs, throwing jokes into the mic, and pretending like she hadn’t lowkey psychoanalyzed someone’s entire childhood over a cookie delivery.

Nuraga, with all his emotional armor, starting to tune in not just out of habit, but because he wants to hear her voice. He even mentioned it to Vazhimi and Robi. A quiet flex disguised as a casual mention, like, “Oh, by the way—recognize the voice we always hear on the radio in the car? That’s Audy.”

It wasn’t just the music. Audy's segments always give soothes every time Nuraga listened to it. It was the way she talked about life, little pieces of wisdom slipped between jokes and song intros. Thoughtful, calming. Real. Nuraga didn’t even realize how much he needed that kind of voice in his day until it was there.

“This one show’s actually really good,” Nuraga mumbled one night when he was stuck in a traffic with Robi way before he knew about Audy being the DJ.

Robi, seeing how Nuraga suddenly started praising Audy and wanted to rent the apartment unit right next to hers, immediately connected the dots with Vazhimi.

"Tu orang abis dikasih kue sama Audy jadi seger lagi dah auranya."

"Namanya juga amunisi."

Audy and Nuraga were back in touch—messages, little WhatsApp story replies—that made Audy wanted to smile about it. But part of her braced quietly, unsure if this was something real or just something temporary dressed up in hope. That's why, on a sunny afternoon—too sunny to carry so much emotional weight—Audy decided it was time to tell Nuraga that her segment that night would be a little heavier than usual. Something a little personal. Not for drama. Just for... truth.

Because if he was building walls, she wanted him to know that she understood. She had some of her own too, that she's been careful too.

"Tonight's topic’s... I’m doing a serious topic on tonight’s broadcast.”

Translation: please understand me. I’m not just sunshine and playlists. I’ve got my own ghosts too.

Nuraga hummed. Of course he’s going to tune in. Without Audy saying "Please listen,” Nuraga was already doing that, every single night. That day, by the time the intro jingle played, Nuraga was already in place—leaning forward, elbows on table. He looked like a student waiting for test results—serious, focused, not blinking.

The broadcast opened just like it always did—easy laughter and a playlist full of warm beats. The first part of the broadcast played out like always: bright, bouncy, she cracked a few jokes, teased the weather—perfectly Audy. But beneath the cheer, he could feel it.

Something was coming.

In the studio, Audy took a deep breath. Long pause before the topic got deeper.

“My dad always said I talked too much,” Audy began, low voice but warm. “Which is ironic, considering now as a DJ radio I get paid to talk.”

There was a laugh.

Then a pause.

“He used to joke I was too loud, too talkative. The little child of me was kind of hurt when he said that." She muttered. "But then, it's incomparable when I got to experience the hurt of... seeing... he passed away too soon."

His eyes widened. Breath hitched.

"He passed away without any warning, any goodbye, not for any chance for me to say anything. It's a calm and peaceful passing they said. But what’s peaceful about a dad disappearing on a soon-to-enter middle school daughter who bonded so tight with him? Nothing but scar. Unfairly painful."

He listened, hands twirling on the back of his neck now.

She then talked about grieving. How her father used to cook the best meal for her, how he shaped her, how one day he didn’t come home, how grief sometimes still sat quietly beside her uninvited. And that absence echoes louder than words. Nuraga hadn't seen this coming. He had expected her to talk about relationships or some quirky life lesson, but not this.

Not loss.

The girl let out a long breath. She hoped he knew—really knew—that she understood his kind of pain too. She knew how hard it is to carry a pain that lingers even when the world keeps spinning.

"... That's the thing with grief, you know? It doesn’t RSVP. It just shows up. In the middle of your workday, or when you’re baking cookies, or—worse—when someone says, ‘Just move on' Like it’s that simple. Because you know for sure it's not just about missing them. It’s missing who you were when they were still around."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[nut-today]

Mother knows best (until she doesn't)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two zombies in front of Vazhimi. Robi was sulking, Nuraga was dwelling. Robi must've been caused by the loss of Manchester United against the Spurs last night, but Nuraga? Whatever the reason was, Vazhimi wouldn't dare to disturbed him—so then the videographer went on to tease Robi instead.

"M—"

"Nggak usah lu bahas-bahas MU!!!" Robi snapped just when Vazhimi opened his mouth. "EPL lost streak, UEL kalah, besok-besok lawan Persib Bandung aja dah kata gua!!!"

"Ck." Nuraga didn’t even bother, unlike his usual self likely to be amused every time Robi sulked over The Red Devil, this time he rolled his eyes so hard he even got out of the room after.

The fuck is wrong with that guy now? Both Vazhimi and Robi asked the same thing inside their head.

"Elu sih Bi!"

"Lah kok gua?!"

"Pake misuhin MU—"

"Lah salahin MU sono kenapa kalah!?"

They were still arguing even after Nuraga had left the house. He didn’t just got off for dramatic effect though—Okay maybe a little—But truth be told Nuraga also wanted to check the condition of the house next door he finally managed to buy. Lucky for Nuraga, the neighbor planned to relocating after years not wanting to sell the house.

Nuraga then walked around outside of the house. House keys in hand, irritation slowly evaporating into the breeze. His mood was a mess. He didn't like that Audy knew about Maya, even more that his mom talked about Maya to Audy. It's irritating to see how his mom kept doing whatever she wanted without asking his permission first. This wasn’t a one-time thing. His mother had been so reckless when it comes to him since forever—and while the adult Nuraga had tried to tolerate it, somewhere inside his heart, a small boy was quietly screaming. But he didn't have that much choice since his mom was always on the shield of instinct and impulse, "Nggak apa-apa lah begitu doang!"; "Kan Mama justru peduli sama kamu!"; "Justru bagus Mama cerita!"

No the fuck not. Nuraga could already hear his mom's voice if he tried to argue, that's why this time he decided to just left her messages on read.

What really pissed him off was that while it might seem harmless on the surface, the thing about Maya was very personal to him. He'd already imagined his mom telling Audy he couldn't get his mind off of Maya—which was not entirely wrong—but it's his private business, after all. That was his territory to share—or not share. And his mom just bulldozed it right through like it's something trivial.

For fuck's sake. Nuraga let out an annoyed sigh.

The memory of Maya and the day she passed away came back.

It was the way she died that made goodbye feel impossible. The hardest part wasn’t just Maya died. It was how she died—No diagnosis, no dramatic crash, no sirens and flames—She just slipped away. Sudden, hard to believe, unfairly quiet. If she’d been sick, maybe he could’ve braced himself. But she did not, at all. she was, just, vanished. Gone. On a sofa inside her house, on a beautiful noon—or a gloomy one for Nuraga.

He remembered it clearly, so clear in his mind, how they were just chatting right before Nuraga came to her house, then when Nuraga arrived, the house was already full—too full. People speaking in hushed voices, eyes that couldn’t meet his. And then Maya's mom—sobbing, shaking—said it: Maya’s gone.

Just like that.

There was no closure, no time to prepare. He felt like he was being shoved off an emotional cliff with no warning. That's why he hated how lightly some people suggested him to move on with life, because how do you heal from someone who vanished before you could even understand they were leaving? One day someone's laughing with you, and the next day everyone’s saying they’re “in a better place”. Healing wasn't some kind of skincare routine you could follow for seven days and wake up glowing. Maya had helped him in so many ways without her realizing, and by that she carved herself into Nuraga's entire sense of self before she was gone. So after her, every day felt like he’d skinned himself only to get back to his whole full-potential self but without her.

Knowing he’d walked through hell and was still here, still standing, and now trying to open his heart again, Nuraga never said it out loud but he's glad of himself seeing how far he'd become. It took everything in him to reach this point.

Nuraga then entering the front park of the house, keys swinging between his finger. The house was on a corner, furnitures already emptied inside. When he stepped into the entrance, he already thought about which wall to tear out, which window to save, and which part of that house shall be connected to his current place. He was mid-thought, somewhere between renovating the exterior and budgeting when,

"Mas!" A girl's voice chimed in, soft and playful.

He turned towards the voice only to find Audy with a box of cookies in her hand, bangs bouncing and face smiling. "Audy!"

Audy had actually been standing there the whole time, unsure whether to call him or not. But her time was tight, and she had many extra cookies left in her kitchen, so she thought giving those to him before going out was a good idea.

"How long have you been here?" Nuraga asked when he approached her. Now they're face to face, smiling to each other.

"Not too long ago."

Seeing his face closer, Audy offered him a smile. Well he smiled too, but his eyes didn't appear so, that made Audy's heart sank a little, moreover after she heard about Maya. Partly because what Nuraga’s mother told her, but most part it's because of the fact that she told her at all—like a boundary was quietly stepped over. Because the way Nuraga's mother told Audy, it's as if something deeply personal had been unwrapped in front of her without permission.

Audy was just dropping off some cookies to his parents' house, it was supposed to be just a quick visit. It took Audy by surprise what she got in return was something heavy, told too easily by someone who didn’t seem to notice how much it might cost to carry.

It started as a whisper, but then Nuraga's mother kept going. They poured out of her mouth, unstoppable, even when his dad tried to warned her, not once, not twice, but thrice. Thrice. He had been trying to stop her but she waved it off like it was harmless.

"Don't talk about Maya you know he doesn't—"

"It's fine!!! No big deal!!!"

It was something along those lines.

That's when Audy felt it in her chest—it wasn’t a story meant to be told like that. Audy kept listening though, politely nodding. But inside, her mind had started rewiring, every part of Nuraga’s quiet mode made a little sense now. His mom... The home he grew up in... Something is off...

It was not something obvious. No yelling, no violence, but it's the mundane everyday thing that built up that inherited inside him. Then she asked herself is this where the bottomline was? It's not entirely about Maya... It's how his mother's 'better judgment' controlled the house? Maya probably was the first person to ever... listened? He wasn't hard to love, he was just wary love might come packaged with an imbalance voice again, that he might disappear under his partner's conviction—just like his parents did?

It kind of reminded Audy of her own mother but she quickly brushed it off, whatever the reason was I came here to drop cookies!!

"Mas ini ada kue," She shook the cookie box that's getting warmer in her hand. "Tadi udah kasih ke rumah tapi ternyata sisa saya masih kebanyakan jadi kepikiran mau kasih lagi—"

"Wah makasih! Banyak banget," He answered. "Karena ibu saya bilang rasanya mirip buatan mantan saya yang udah meninggal ya—"

"Eh nggak!"

"Haha." He laughed a little. "Bercanda, bercanda."

"Kalaupun nggak bercanda juga emang bukan kok, Mas!"

Now Audy felt bad. She hadn’t meant it like that! Sure, a tiny part of her heart had offered those cookies as a silent gesture of care—not exactly for the ex but for the wound—because if something as simple as cookies could make someone feel better, wasn’t that enough reason? But she couldn't believe he could say that so easily!

"Saya emang mau kasih soalnya orang rumah nggak pada suka maniiiss—"

"Iyaa percayaaa.."

Luckily, Audy’s ride pulled up at that exact moment. They parted ways with the usual goodbyes, Nuraga said she was gone too quick and Audy answered she had somewhere to be so she couldn't stick around too long—totally true, but also a solid excuse to make a getaway.

"Bye!"

"Bye!"

As the motorbike rode through the streets, Audy couldn’t help but think. Is it because their backgrounds had the same shade that made Audy prone to think of Nuraga a lot more than she usually does to other guys? Because, somehow, they were built from similar pieces? Underneath, her body could sense faster than her mind that they both carried echoes of something lost, so to see Nuraga she unconsciously felt like reading the familiar book of her own life.

Bing!

Suddenly she got a new topic for her broadcast.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[nut-today]

Serendipity

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Her life finally stood up straight. Her hazard compass had stopped spinning. North was finally north. For once that day she finally can say 'Happiness!!!'

Just as she was mentally preparing for another questionable disaster, Nuraga called and told her he was next door. He was in Robi's flat. He-was-next-door!!!

"Katanya lo tinggal di sebelah ya? Ini kita ada makanan banyak, lo lagi di unit lo nggak? Kalo mau bisa ke sini ya—that if you feel safe enough around us,"

Audy chuckled hearing that.

Safe? That was an understatement. They were like an emergency call to her SOS, the 911 to her sexual abuse report, his call didn't just make her felt safe—She felt like toddler being invited to a tea party!

BISA! GUA BISAAAA!!

Audy dashed out of her flat.

Truth was, that night, Audy didn’t need anything grand. She just needed the presence of a company. Someone good, someone kind and nearby. And just when she thought her night couldn't get any worse, God's help came, as if He'd say, “You’ve suffered enough, girl. Here’s a little kindness.”

Yes, kindness!

Their invitation was technically an act of kindness. The kindness of that trio was real—That part was clear. But as soon as she entered the room, the vibe felt less 'Yaayyyy!' and more like a talent show audition—Audy blamed it on her nervous system! Her anxiety went through the roof.

"Haiiii!"

"Halooo!"

Robi’s unit was way nicer than she’d prepared for. It's what adulthood was supposed to look like—minimalist, unlike Audy's that was dominated by colorful and cartoon-ish interior.

The moment she walked in, the pantry light welcomed her. Soft, warm, reassuring yellow—the kind that usually said, “Relax, you’re safe here.” But her heart didn’t get the message. Just as her brain whispered, “Act natural,” she bumped into the pantry counter and made the glass hit the floor.

Clink!

Glad it was plastic. It clattered, not shattered.

Still Audy apologized though, "Maaf—"

"Nggak apa-apa...!!"

Thank God the bounced cup incident was the icebreaker. The vibe shifted, they were laughing and suddenly the awkwardness turned into easy smiles. Conversation flowed easily, they had their meals in the dining table, they shared laughter in between their meals, but when it comes to eye-contact Audy and Nuraga somehow managed to keep their gazes anywhere but on each other.

Robi noticed. He kept the chatter flowing, not making the awkward eye game stood too long. He then thought to himself, Nuraga with his tight shoulders, careful words, zero eye contact, that man wasn’t just being polite, he was protecting something. Too bad the barrier inside his heart prolly still as big as The Great Wall Of China.

"Oh lo tadinya mau pulang malem ini? Bareng aja sama kita!"

"Emang kalian mau balik juga?"

"Robi nggak, tapi gue sama Nuraga iya! Mau rekam konten ASMR midnight makanya butuh hening-hening ..."

Vazhimi had a conversation with Audy. And just like that—thanks to that one conversation—Audy got herself a drive home with Vazhimi and Nuraga. Wild how the universe works with miracle sometimes.

Audy was in the back seat. Not much was said. It was already past ten, the two in front seemed just as low-energy as she was.

She made it home peacefully, kicked off her shoes, and plopped onto her bed with her heart still doing mini backflips. She opened her phone, thumb hovering over the keyboard.

Should she thank Nuraga?

Was it weird?

Too soon?

Too much?

Ding!

One message received from him before she even type anything for him. One message ahead of her.

Life, as always, had a funny way to surprise her.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[nut-today]

Barely Better

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hello Korean lovers! ..."

Oh, those words. Audy had rehearsed them so many times in her head for tomorrow. The outfit? Already hanging proudly in front of her closet. All she could do now was sit there, eyes locked on the dress with teary eyes.

Bohong kalau dia bilang dia nggak mau nangis.

Audy wanted that one interview. A big-name celeb. Just once.

Scoring an international celeb interview wasn’t about flexing—it was about finally ticking that box in her bucket list. Big names. Big achievements. She was fuming, dramatically sighing into air, and that's the furthest thing she could do because complaining to her bosses would be like shouting into a void. They treated complaints like background noise; ignored.

"AAAARGHHH!!!" She finally made it to a full tantrum mode, arms flailing and feet kicking. "AAAAAARRRRHHHHGGGHGHGHHHH!"

WWWHHHHYYYYY???!!

In the middle of her dramatic meltdown, she glanced out the window. Only to see a young family swimming joyfully. Laughing, playing water cannonball with their kids. Perfect. The universe really nailed the timing. Happy family, poolside perfection right when Audy was spiraling. Perfect. Perfection.

That's when Audy broke down into tears. She couldn't help it. The week had been… not great. Audy was basically hanging all her hopes on that one interview. And just like that, the interview was also gone. Poof. Vanished.

Audy flopped herself onto the bed, eyes on the ceiling—tears streamed. God, why is it always one thing after another, after another, after another? It's not like Audy asked for more chaos in her life?

The crying escalated. Her face was soaked in silence. The sobs grew heavier. It kept building inside her, wave after wave, to a point she was scared they might echo through the thin walls of her flat.

"Udah, Audy, udah." Slowly she tried to control her breathe. Her sobs softened, replaced by the sound of her own breathing. Uneven, still trembling.

Just the other day she’d talked about acceptance on her broadcast. Now she was the one who needed to hear it the most. Come on, Audy. You meant it when you said it—so believe it now!

She cried again—just once more. One last release before she let it all go. Tomorrow she'd stay home, bake cookies, and give herself the kindness no one else could.

"Oke, udah ya Audy. Semangaattt!!!" She patted herself a little. Then she stood up, a new spark in her chest.

Too bad she didn't know the universe had already scheduled the next round of disaster.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[nut-today]

Epiphany

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trying to figure out who Maya was in Nuraga’s life really took a toll on Audy, and she decided she'd rather focused on better things to do. She opted for productive distractions: decluttering, deep-cleaning the flat, and dealing with boxes she hadn't yet unpacked when she first moved in.

She let out a sigh once the cleaning frenzy was done. Her eyes wandered to the window, gaze soft and unfocused. These quiet kind of time always made living in the apartment felt bigger—and emptier. She didn’t even know her neighbors, which somehow made it all feel lonelier.

Sometimes she thought about what it’d be like living with a partner. Putting up shelves together, laughing over burnt toast. Grocery shoppings would turn into little adventures, cooking would mean dancing with spatulas, and coming home wouldn’t feel like walking into a sad coming-of-age Korean drama episodes. Erika getting herself a London Boy the first month she moved to the UK was a smart move. Lucky? Also yes. The girl’s practically glowing when she says, ‘Living overseas doesn’t feel that lonely anymore.’

Thinking about Erika, Audy couldn’t help but wonder—how did she end up getting engaged first? Not that Audy was underestimating her. It's just Erika has always been the kind of girl with this unbothered, rich aunty energy. Settling down wasn’t even on her vision board. And yet, she met a guy who wasn’t just a Bumble match but a perfect life-fit? If Erika could find someone like that, then what was Audy missing?

Or maybe some puzzle pieces are just dealt by the universe. And since life’s lottery seemed to be drawn by the universe with its own mysterious logic, Audy had started to accept maybe marriage just wasn’t for everyone. Maybe the universe was dealing her blessings in other currencies—like late-night ice cream with no one judging, cookies that always came out perfectly golden, and this flat that felt like a romcom set but with a low rent.

But wait—didn’t Erika get those blessings too?

Late-night croissants in Paris, a cozy flat in London, even perfect skin without a 10-step routine. And now, a fiance who adored her chaotic soul like it was a love language? Well, well....

Sometimes it made Audy pause. Because if people like Erika could get both the sweet life and the great love story, maybe this wasn’t about blessings being distributed differently—maybe Audy was just… skipped?

Or maybe, just maybe, hers was still on the way.

Taking the longer route.

With a flat tire.

And no signal.

"HhHhhHhH." With a sigh and a stretch she finally got up and went back to tidying.

She hated to admit it, but yeah—her mind was wondering back to Nuraga. The thought wasn’t loud, but it was there. Which surprised her because normally no matter how good-looking or money-scented a guy was, she stayed unmoved. Take Gideon for example, Gideon had the kind of wealth where his family most likely had a trust fund somewhere for them to allow their son worked as a radio host just because Gideon felt like it. Objectively? He is perfect. Subjectively? Audy felt no butterfly around him. Gideon had been lowkey smitten for her. Audy knew, of course she knew. But rather than breaking his heart, she'd rather doing an Oscar act performance and pretended she didn’t see the heart-eyes whenever they talk. Which made it kind of ironic, really—because Audy kept checking her phone for Nuraga, knowing full well Gideon would’ve happily blown up her notifications if she let him.

But at the end of the day, it is what it is.

"Eh?" She murmured.

Maybe she could turn this emotional mess into a topic?

Acceptance sounds like a solid theme for tomorrow’s broadcast, no?

“Kayaknya bukan cuma gue yang ngerasain beginian?" Audy mumbled, already imagining her listeners nodding along tomorrow.

The next day came, and Audy was back on air. Her mood was dramatically improved. There was something about sharing tiny pieces of herself with strangers that made everything feel just a little more manageable.

"93,2 FM the best radio in town ..." Audy began her usual radio talk, spilling her thoughts like they were her best friends.

What she didn’t know was that, miles away, Nuraga was driving and listening to her broadcast, blissfully unaware that it was her behind the mic. In fact Nuraga had become a regular listener, loving her segments. But since they've only interacted a couple of times, and she wasn’t using her real name while DJ-ing, his ears didn’t recognize Audy's voice yet.

"... Here's the thing: when it comes to acceptance, you can’t just tell yourself, ‘I need to stop feeling this.’ That’s not how brains work. So, yeah, if it hurts, it hurts. Terima aja dulu kalo orang yang kita admire nggak suka kita balik, kalo nominal gaji yang kita mau belum bisa kita capai, kalo orang yang udah pergi dari hidup kita nggak bisa datang lagi. Mungkin kita emang harus melalui itu dulu. Mungkin kalo nggak melalui itu, kita kurang fokus sama kekurangan kita. Maybe it’s time to focus on our own growth instead of running after things that aren’t meant for us. Fixing ourself to be better is a lifetime project, kan? ..."

The radio show went well. Nuraga was off to where he was headed, and Audy wrapped up her broadcast just like usual.

By the time Audy finally made it back to her apartment, it was already 9 PM. The apartment hallway was almost too quiet, each of Audy’s footsteps ringing out a little more than it should have. Audy slid the key into her lock flat, the familiar click echoing in the quiet apartment.

"Eh Audy ya?" A familiar voice of a man cut through the silence while that guy also opening his door.

Audy turned her head, "Ya?"

The said guy waved her hand. "Gue Robi! Temennya Nuraga. Lo tinggal di sini? Sebelahan dong apartemen kita!?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[nut-today]

Mastering Acceptance

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"OMGGGG!!!"

Audy let out a big gasp. She blinked, then blinked again. Nuraga was on her YouTube homepage but not on his usual territory. That man was on a livestream, giving business advice on an international channel.

Where did he even come from this time?? Gue bahkan nggak subscribe channel Youtube yang livestream acara dia ini anjir!!

Audy's mind kept insisting the universe tried pulling some strings between her and Nuraga—which was partially true—But then again she had just spent the whole day binge-watching Sew Ga's YouTube videos. The YouTube algorithm was just doing its job circling her recommendation related to him.

She was already grinning like a teenager in a 2000s rom-com movies when she clicked the livestream. Audy reached out for her headset with one hand while her eyes were glued on the screen.

Nuraga was so handsome, wearing a suit with his casual hairstyle, looking unfairly charming. The way he spoke English was clear and confident, even through the screen you could tell he had presence. He looked so relaxed in front of the audience as if he did that every day. Doing a grown-up, fun, terrifyingly attractive business talk, Audy couldn't believe how effortlessly cool he was. And the PowerPoint? Not even about sewing. It was business. Tailoring got a little mention—like 20% max—but the rest? Business-savvy genius. That man has never been just a tailor, he's a boss.

Classic industrial engineering boy energy. Audy was mesmerized.

"Sudah terbiasa terjadi Tante—" Audy auto nyanyi lagu Tiktok yang biasanya dijadiin sound anak teknik kan!

Drrrrttt

A notification popped up on her phone. Her online order had just arrived and was now waiting at her front door. She'd ordered some baking ingredients online earlier since there was promo. Now that the delivery had arrived, she made her way outside to pick it up. Her attention drifted from the livestream.

The livestream she didn't pay attention to was in the Q&A round. Someone had asked Nuraga about how he's dealing things when it's out of control—both in running his business and growing his YouTube channel. He had answered it just fine, but the question stuck with him as if it hadn't really ended in that ballroom. It kept circling inside his head even after he got back to the hotel. Then it hit him; could he really anticipate things that were out of his control?

When it came to work, Nuraga had it all figured out. His team was solid, and he always had a backup plan (or two) before diving into anything. It's always been manageable to him—a bit tightly controlled, if he's being honest. But Nuraga had never fully made peace of Maya's passing—and that wasn't what dealing things that's out of control looked like. Mastering acceptance? if it was part of emotional intelligence it was one subject he needs to relearn again and again.

Drrrtttt

A message from Audy popped up. He stared at it for a second, then put the phone down. No energy to answer.

Just like it had with the three girls before her, the fear started creeping back in. A part of him was already pulling away. What if getting too close to Audy would only do more harm than good, just like the same ending he'd seen before?

Clarity had a price. In that clear space, one thought stood out: letting her in was not the smart thing to do.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________