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ilsa had absolutely zero desire to be back in colorado . the only things this state brought them was disillusionment , regret , and guilt . part of ilsa was here to prove to themself that they could do it — they could get through a few days of people who'd only known her as a perpetually intoxicated slug of of a human and prove to them that they were no longer that being . ilsa apparently had an affinity for self-inflicted pain . mostly , she was here out of curiosity and guilt .

"do it ," ilsa told the familiar girl . despite years that had passed , carmen's voice , features , stature were all easily reocgnizable . "stab me with that glass right now and put me out of my misery . you'd be doing me a favor ."

who: open!

where: class of 2008 reunion.

With every passing second, Carmen wondered why she thought coming here was a good idea. College was exhausting for her, why did she think the reunion would be any different? If she wasn’t engaging in the most monotonous of small talk, she was dodging the company of people she once screwed over. Not to mention the Olive-sized hole in the room that was souring the vibe despite the cheery 80s covers coming from the band. She had half a mind to drink herself into a stupor just to get through the night.

Nursing a glass of champagne, she didn’t bother to even glance over when she felt the presence of another beside her. “I swear to god, if you ask me anything that is the equivalent of how have you been right now, I am going to stab you with this glass.”

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this reunion hardly felt different from his typical campaign events . hands meeting in greeting , benign conversation about what each party had been working on lately , and hushed whispers about have you heard 'so and so' did this or that . nate dalton was the kind of tortured individual who actually enjoyed reunions and playing catch up with those who hadn't crossed his mind in years . with his former classmates in town he felt at home in a crowd and city that had generally accepted and adored him for most of his adult life . when susana appeared at his side , nate slipped his arm around her waist with the comfortability and ease of a pair who'd been dating for several months — a far cry from two people whose last conversation was a drunken text exchange full of expletives and promptly deleted by the following sunrise . hardly skipping a beat , nate smiled at her in greeting . no way was her statement true , even if under different circumstances it would have sent him into a mild panic . "susie . you can direct that inquiry to my spokesperson or counsel . but i'll warn you before you spread that rumor that i don't take kindly to baseless accusations ."

@nvghtsignals ; nate.

she actually had spotted him a while back. behind the immaculate disguise of her upturned glass, susana watched him from across the room. smiling, clapping shoulders, bowing his head with infuriating grace and poise. such a fucking politician. it had been an age since they'd last seen one another - or, that's what it felt like. it ended poorly, as it so frequently seemed to. susie would let something particularly foul slip, usually moments after the hatefully libidinous fog had lifted, and he would kick her out onto the street like a mangy stray cat with her heels flapping loose between her fingers. she sort of liked it the predictable unpredictability - kept her on her toes. the deeper she sank into her champagne flute, the more alluring fucking with him became. she dodged and weaved, graceful like a reunion fairy, between streamers and balloons, until she reached the broad back of him. rolling onto her tiptoes, she muttered indelicately into his ear while he was mid-conversation with some nobody she either didn't recall or who had become so unfortunate looking that they were no longer recognizable. "hey, i have something to tell you. terribly important." she waited, dropping down onto her heels with a shit-eating grin spreading wide across her pretty face, until he turned to face her. then, it fell into an exaggerated grimace. susie leaned in to whisper. "i have a new baby at home, and i think it's yours."

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✰ ilsa spector — five of cups

the basics

full name  :  ilsa spector faceclaim  :  jenny slate skeleton  :  oc - five of cups occupation  :  emergency room doctor gender  :  demi woman ( they / she ) sexuality  :  bisexual & biromantic birthday  :  june 2nd age  :  thirty-eight

the details

tattoos  :  several , all random aesthetics languages  :  english , portuguese  alcohol use  :  often   cigarettes  :  sometimes   drug use  :  frequently before , sometimes now though they try to steer clear favorite color  :  lilac

personality

natal chart  :  gemini sun , libra moon , virgo rising  moral alignment  :  chaotic neutral mbti  :  infj  likes  :  early mornings , traveling around the world , gardening , certain musicals , comedy movies , journaling , fresh plants and flowers , teas , paddleboarding , decorating , spring most likely to …  :  die first in a horror movie

biography + olive + angelwoods

tw : drugs , alcohol , death , parental issues , addiction

in college , ilsa was infamous on campus ; everyone knew if you wanted top tier liquor and the most potent of drugs , you just needed to befriend her .  if you were lucky and your timing was right , maybe you’d even get an invite to one of ilsa’s parents’ lavish galas .  olive was no exception .  ilsa tolerated olive .  all ilsa needed was someone to drink and drag into a haze with so they felt less pathetic when they woke up the next day .  olive didn’t judge ilsa , and ilsa drowned loneliness through her presence .  it was mutually beneficial .  so one night when the pair was half-drunk and flying high and ilsa received a call from her parents to attend a fundraising gala ‘right now’ , it only seemed natural to have olive tag along to soften the blow from their family when they’d be scolded for forgetting .  what ilsa hadn’t anticipated was her impossible-to-please , manipulative parents immediately adoring olive .  if ilsa was sober enough to care , they’d have envied the way olive seamlessly slipped from ill-fated , inebriated party girl , to captivating spokesperson conversing effortlessly with colorado’s elite .  ilsa’s parents swore they raised more money with olive around , so her attendance at the galas became a regular thing .  ilsa didn’t mind . ilsa was a disappointment , and olive was the sunbeam of a daughter her parents never had . ilsa was more than willing to provide olive the center of attention that once was hers , stepping aside to allow olive to charm her parents’ donors and absorb them in her orbit . there was just something about parading around a bright , lively showpony to distract everyone from the crossfaded drunk at her side that was so … easy .  all those years of ilsa being told they were worthless faded from view when they brought olive around ; after believing ilsa would never amount to anything , landing a friend as ambitious and radiant as olive proved her parents may have been wrong .   if only they knew when ilsa and olive weren’t dressed to the nines , they were in the bathrooms of dive bars doing ketamine , taking tequila shots off strangers , and screaming at each other in their dorms after comedowns . this is who you always wanted .  i’m not sorry i’m not her , but hopefully she’ll make up for who i can’t be .  ilsa’s relationship with her parents had never been better .  suddenly conversations about ilsa’s lack of a future or husband shifted to “how’s olive doing ?  who is olive dating now ?  can olive join us for dinner next weekend ?”  their dynamic became so consumed by this whole other entity that when olive died , they discovered that ilsa and her parents had nothing left to say to one another . 

the worst night of ilsa’s life occured in olive’s presence , but i’m going to leave that to secret and history for now :~)  that said , olive’s death only added to ilsa’s overwhelming guilt .  though olive’s murder was never solved , ilsa couldn’t help but blame herself in a way .  they’d dragged olive down with them into the underbelly of high society and exposed her to all sorts of sketchy characters who could have contributed to her demise .  

there was so much loss and unexpressed grief in ilsa’s heart from those short tragic weeks that later in life when ilsa got clean and went through extensive therapy and rehab , they committed themself to uplifting and saving others by becoming an emergency room doctor .  maybe if she had been able to help that stranger at the party with olive - maybe if she’d been able to help olive sooner - things would be different .  this subconscious atonement is what drives them , even today . 

ilsa doesn’t know if she’s at this reunion to prove something to others or to herself .  she’s changed , truly changed — right ?  mostly , they’re dreading seeing everyone again .  those who judged and hated them for being such a deadbeat and bad influence , she knows what they think of her .  those who who were her friends may tempt her to drag back down into bad habits they’ve worked so hard to get away from . 

growing up an only child , ilsa wanted nothing more than to get away from her constantly fighting , abusive parents .  since she became an adult her parents have both divorced and remarried , so ilsa doesn’t feel like anywhere in particular is home or family .  realizing they had nothing and no one to depend on but themself , ilsa’s third stint in rehab after college stuck and they rebuilt their life , world , and self .  they desperately cling to the life they’ve now created as a doctor that will surely surprise people at angelwoods , but the fear that it could slip away at any moment is always there . 

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✰ nathaniel "nate" dalton — justice

the basics

full name  :  nathaniel “nate” dalton faceclaim  :  charles michael davis skeleton  :  justice occupation  :  politician and criminal justice attorney gender  :  cis male ( he/him ) sexuality  :  bisexual & biromantic birthday  :  feb 22nd  age  :  thirty-seven

the details

tattoos  :  zero languages  :  english , spanish alcohol use  :  often   cigarettes  :  never   drug use  :  never favorite color  :  emerald green

personality

natal chart  :  pisces sun , capricorn moon , sagittarius rising  moral alignment  :  lawful neutral mbti  :  entj  likes  :  espresso , late nights , exploring the city at nighttime , philosophy , meeting new people , proving a point / spirited debate , old classic films , horseback riding , hiking , camping , reading , winter most likely to …  :  become president 

biography

nathaniel grew up in a very modest home where he and his brother were raised by their single father .  though they did not have much in terms of materialist items , nate’s father worked hard to provide essentials for them .  as a child , he didn’t understand the exhaustion wearing down his dad’s frame each night ; the man was prideful and proud and didn’t want his sons to be concerned for their next meal or feel cheated in life from not having a mother in the picture .  the young boys spent their days mostly outside , imagining grandiose fictitious lives and playing in fields , woods , sneaking onto colorado farms to see with animals , and swimming in the local lake .  it wasn’t until nate was a little bit older and his elder brother fell into a rougher crowd that his worldview began to shift . 

nate’s brother was more than him — more rebellious , more impulsive , more impatient , more loud .  their relationship began to deteriorate , what once resembled a best friendship became a struggle at home and a minefield in town , as nate was known as the kid brother .  his brother collected enemies as he continued through high school and it made their family a target .  one fateful night , they suffered a home invasion and what little of value his father owned and had saved was ripped from them violently .  the thief was never caught or prosecuted .  it was then that nate realized how easily people could break , how starkly different right and wrong were , and that every action by one person held potential to cause damage to another . 

by the time he got to college , nate knew he wanted to study philosophy and law .  he has very strong morals that to him are black and white .  even though he does not always abide by his values or admit to his faults , he know when he’s making inherently bad choices .  after school he became a criminal justice attorney and fought hard on behalf of his clients he truly believed were innocent .  any professional loss his clients suffered sent him reeling in his persona life ; nate truly is a workaholic and his life revolves around his career . 

after gaining notoriety for a high profile case where he won acquittal for a man falsely accused of murder , nate pivoted into politics .  not only is he sharp witted and intelligent , but he can charm a smile onto any stranger .  he now serves as a prominent state attorney and is rumored to be considering a for governor or congress .  nate can be seen on local and national tv news media fairly often . 

generally , nate is impatient and blunt but only because he truly wants people to be their best .  he sees everyone’s potential and gets pissed off when they aren’t trying to achieve it .  nate can come across like an asshole sometimes , but he’s a male politician so he can get away with it - and even be praised for it at times .  man’s got an ego ; let’s be honest .  despite his pubic persona , there is a huge part of nate that is sensitive and genuinely concerned for humanity and the big picture .  he mostly keeps his worries to himself and channels his emotions to fight for what he believes is right .  even if some people question it or don’t see it , he cares deep down . 

olive + angelwoods … 

at college orientation , nate met a girl he liked and started dating her exclusively pretty quickly because he was always a traditional guy who preferred meaningful relationships over hookups or flings .  however , about a year later his girlfriend was away studying abroad and he met olive at a party . olive was stunning , witty , full of life , and nate was immediately in awe of her .  

they became quick friends and over time he showed her his softer side , confiding in olive ways in which he hadn’t with his actual girlfriend .  he was a young guy maturing into adulthood and growing into his actual self , with olive at his side as a “friend” .  at a constant war with his own morals and loyalty to the girlfriend he thought he would marry , nate’s willpower wained and he eventually started hooking up with olive and having an affair .  it was a total secret .  no one knew and everyone thought nate was still madly in love with his girlfriend .  

the connection he had with olive was so complex he barely understood it or what he felt towards her , though he constantly lied to himself and justified it in such backwards ways , believing it was simply physical and nothing more .  he was young , naive , and trying to maintain an illusion of an image he’d built of up himself in both his head and to everyone else .  

if people knew about nate and olive’s affair , he would have seemed like the biggest hypocrite with his judgmental attitude towards others .  nate was the charming , well-known perennial student government guy always fighting for some justice and cause .  he knew that what he was doing was wrong and he hated himself for it , but he found himself going back to olive again and again until her death .  no one knew his secret feelings towards olive and he buried them with her in her grave .  it was terrifying that anyone could ever find out , and he knew it would ruin his entire reputation and , truthfully , his sense of self worth .  

olive’s death made him inconsolable in private .  always doing his best to present a confident front in public , nate never told a soul that he had strong feelings for olive or the way that her death destroyed him .  he mourned in silence , and did his best to console the general student body in his role as student govt president , assuring everyone that the murderer would be brought to justice and planning memorials + fundraisers for olive around town .  olive’s death was a wakeup call to him that his relationship was completely fucked up , and he immediately became distant with his girlfriend and broke up with her within a week or two with little explanation .  the depression that ensued from her death was all consuming for a few months , but everyone who caught glimpses of it assumed it was because of his breakup with his girlfriend . 

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Our Men Do Not Belong to Us, Warsan Shire

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Woodworking at the End of the World, Ocean Vuong

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fragments from last friday working on site & buying coffee

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I WANT YOU BACK (2022) dir. Jason Orley