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you're laughing. the big announcement that ryan reynolds and hugh jackman are reuniting as deadpool and wolverine for the first time in 15 years was over shadowed by a youtuber who made his entire brand about loving his wife then cheated on her and you're laughing

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beauty in history: samoans 

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29 Sep 2022; 1:54am

For some reason I needed to log into this dusty ass account and have a little journaling session. Not for long, tho - Jake will be back from the bathroom soon and I don’t want him to see. I don’t want anyone to see, I never have. I get so embarrassed about journaling, about my own thoughts. Even though they’re harmless and lately, I say everything I’m thinking out loud anyway. Or maybe that’s a lie...

I found a notebook with some journal entries from the Sexwise tour earlier this year - I might type them all up and keep them here. There are still things about me that I have to just accept, even though they frustrate me - like the fact that the music I’m drawn to is mostly made by white women lol, or the fact that it takes me 2.5 years to finish one novel, or the fact that I prefer to journal with a damn keyboard. These imaginary little standards I’ve been holding myself to (I should be listening to brown music/I should be completing 5 novels a year/I should always be writing in a notebook with a good pen) could be indicative of other hang ups I carry around with me. We’ll see.

I caught myself getting cocky - wasting my reflection chances and using them to think about all the times I have been better than the people around me. I can feel this period of delusion fading away, and I’m kind of excited to have some of my own breakthroughs. I know they’re coming, I just don’t know how long they will take or what they will involve... 

The main update here is that Grandad Samoa has passed away. And I really need to unpack this because moving on after he was put in the ground was a little too quick and a little too easy. More on that later maybe.

Since I have such a shite memory, here’s a timeline of other things since sexwise:

Dawn Raids (ohhhh my god. I won’t journal this experience because this will be burned into my memory)

My GRandfather is a Canoe

Otago POlyfest

now we’ve been at home since last week, trying to find some sort of at home routine that involves feeding grandad regularly and keeping the house clean (well, at least i have - jake is on holiday mode af lmao. im working through the hangups i have around this, and letting him rest as much as i can. sometimes i can be so catty about housework but you know - its a been a fuckin crazy year. and he cooks bomb food when he can. so yeah he can be lazy lol)

Jake’s back from the bathroom. I must end this now lol byeeee

2:12am

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uhhh

always writing these at stupid havent slept hours in the morning. for future ref i am on the lounge floor of an airbnb on Manor Place in dunedin. The mattress is from “my room” that i never moved into because surprise my flatmate was my partner the whole time haha.

off top of my head updates to expand on

2021 “director” no.3 and moana jr hooooly shit man - otago polyfest, creative natives (nah wont expand on that one lol) jakes emancipation and our relationship upgrade wow, also maybe xmas committee and new bday tradition (whos bday is next?)

2022 me and jake getting this touring gig together. and also i got glasses and i dont have them on right now zzz getting money, divas getting money

current frustrations include: - Jake and I are on separate teams for this touring gig, and they depart tomorrow :( - this is last day for cleaning airbnb and shopping for gears (need rainproof jacket and shoes) before we go on the road - We were actually supposed to leave last week but Covid hit our big bubble and threw us all into isolation! which was a blessing and a curse: Blessing mostly because i was w jake and we just got to be lazy together and snuggle for an extra week! which was fun that we got to do that before we part ways. Curse because over our isolation we absolutely trashed the fucking place lol and have only today to clean it up. I havent slept and the sun is pretty much all the way up. wahoo

anyway i cant sleep... but i cant really see either (blind ass) sooooo oh hey  maybe i’ll use this old thing to be my journal. I bought a fucking notebook and pencil case thinking i should keep a diary but who am i kidding lol

aw man ive just remembered i told jake he can take the laptop :( okay maybe i will stick to that dumb notebook... or maybe i’ll just afterpay another laptop LOL

ps i just wrote this really long thing about my 5hr conversation with lijah regarding his realtionship and its influence on his mental health but deleted that because 1 sad and triggering 2 private and 3 ✨boundaries✨ which now im patting myself on the back for setting

“yea hell yea”

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ok heres a quick update

its 2020 i dont know why i didnt do this during the lockdown

*cue the Apparently kid*

well apparently its been about 2 years since i posted here... i havent updated in a while..

and apparently its my birthday.. and apparently ive never been 25 before LOL

> okay so xmas was great, grey day but had a lovely meal outside (tonys 7 dishes made in like 3 hours - magic) with aunty taloa, susi, both grandads, all the AKMavs, all the wellingtonians (mish tony mac) and uncle cliff present. Jake in Auckland with his humungous family lol, I should have gone with him but we’re not married yet so whatareyagunado. yashudasuckanigaddickfafree

I would like to have a special mention for Uncle Cliff who was having a riot of a time and was my talent quest partner, although we lost the comp I think we won in Xmas cheer hahahaha.

I would also like to have a special mention for Cliff’s brother, my dad lol who was my other talent quest partner and was holding it down for the bro so he could have a good time without it getting out of hand (it be like dat sometimes - cliff is alcohol dependent, misdiagnosed w schizophrenia, actually bipolar i think, regularly medicated i think, super crazy talent music art brain, constantly damned to hell by their minister father)

> ummmm the year - i had a great time in isolation sorry lol, i really liked being allowed to do nothing and not having to feel guilty for it. 

> ahhh what else im sick of being broke? well actually im okay with it and im happy to go job searching and spend another year here actually venturing out into the canterbury world, BUT: jake has decided he wants to move to australia and get rich quick lol. no opinions about it yet except weve both been floating around here for 3 years tryna do our theatre thing and nothing is working lol. (im coming to realize that there are certain people here that say they wanna support us with our artist ventures but still expect us to work for free - could be our fault because we joke about being broke all the time, but I still dont think its right. imagine you went to school for 3 years to get a paper in a thing and then people still expect you to work your qualified ass for exposure) so the mindset is, if we’re gonna switch lanes to start working shit jobs just to make money, we may as well go to a place where the shit jobs make shitloads of money.

> and to address all those broken ass posts from a while back... holy frick was i a mess. glad to say i am in a better place mentally and emotionally. i think i have matured a lot and even though i still dont think that whole situation sits right with me, i have accepted that theres nothing i can do or could have done and im ready to get the fuck on with it. 

the depression stuff was/is a lot and i realized that jake was a shitbag during my depression because hes been depressed his entire life and didnt even want to acknowledge it (call back to that other post where he said ”we all have it”) its not something i want to get into with him yet, but i keep it in the back of my mind. im strong again, im at a place where i can feel genuine empathy for him - which is an emotion jake’s robot brain knows how to identify but cant actually feel. yet. he needs help and i hope he can find it before the big leap idk if thats my job or if i just have to squeeze his hand through his journey to being a new man (this is a ref to him getting his pe’a this year woop woop)

thats all i can process atm

happy happy birthday me

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Jason Anderson, Paintings.

Stunning abstract landscapes by British artist Jason Anderson.

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Be sure to follow Supersonic Art on Instagram!

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i don’t know anything about culture i am just at my house

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https://www.instagram.com/p/B4VF4k9Jfwj/

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