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We as a fandom have collectively decided that

not only does Emmrich Volkarin fuck

Emmrich Volkarin fucks like it's his job

Even his tamest ao3 backstories have a throwaway "back in the day when I got laid six nights a week and only because I needed Sundays to meal prep" line. I read a one shot where my man had lugged an entire Adam and Eve checkout cart to the Lighthouse with him to keep in a drawer Just In Case.

Emmrich is occasionally nervous, but only because Rook turns off his brain cells or he's worried about the age gap. Once he gets started he knows what he's doing and how and where and exactly how many times and Evanuris help you if you thought you were getting out of there south of four orgasms. Sorry, dearest, a gentleman has standards.

Emmrich heard of the Kinsey scale once and lit it on fire.

He's not a rake or a fuckboy. He's not sleazy. He doesn't lie or manipulate, and he doesn't kiss and tell. Emmrich is never, ever in horny jail. Emmrich stormed the horny Bastille and instituted a new horny constitution where everyone gets exactly the amount and kind of sex they want and if their name is Rook he will see to it personally.

And I love that for us. Well done, team.

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Finally painted a tribute to BG3 ~

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Emmrich actually IS the suave and charismatic gentleman we've all been waiting for. Forget your Alistairs and your Cullens. Emmrich says dear and darling and has enough Big Dick Energy that you sense him coming from three rooms away. What's that shift in the air? Emmrich's natural necromantic aura touching the Fade? Well yes but also the sound of his monster cock swinging in his perfectly tailored trousers.

Emmrich talks to Rook like there's a love letter addressed to them specifically lodged in his voice box. He touches them like he paid money for the privilege. Emmrich uses his wealth to help others, he is NOT a person who desires power, and he expects the same of others. One time he looked at Rook and said, "The only good noble is a dead one," and even though Rook knew he was talking about the residents of the Necropolis, or perhaps because of that, it made Rook so wet they had to go sit down against a tree and bang their head a little to calm down.

Sometimes Rook shows up in Emmrich's room of an evening and without even missing a beat Emmrich says, "Come have a seat, darling," and Rook sits next to him only for him to tut and pat his knee. Immediately, Rook is perched there like he's Santa Claus.

"The things one can sense when truly in tune with the fade are inspiring," Emmrich says, and other such nonsense as his touch finds the path of least resistance to Rook's skin without hesitation. His fingers are cool and kind and they trace up the side of Rook's ribs like they might slot perfectly between them, like Rook was built as a home for his hand.

"You're killing me," Rook says, because he is, because Rook could actually choke and die from how badly they want to feel Emmrich's mustache on their thighs.

"Yes, but only a little death," Emmrich says. He smiles and his bangles jingle merrily away as he plays with Rook's chest. "Every time I touch your body, I'm already longing for the moment I'll touch it again."

"Guh," says Rook. "Hrng. Hunh."

"I quite agree. I find that words fail me when it comes to...how you make me feel, dearest." This is what Emmrich says, but fails utterly to demonstrate as he leans in and delicately bites Rook's earlobe, whispering seventeen of the twenty filthiest things Rook has ever heard. Things like I'll eat you like a cake, though you're more delicious and the Fade sings your name when I'm in you and--

"If I have to hear ONE MORE THING about that necromancer's cock," seethes Solas, who did NOT know that he was signing up for nightly pornographic lullabies when he decided to kick it in the back of Rook's head. This is the fourth time he's said that this week. He will hear many, many more things about that necromancer's cock.

"YES EMMRICH," echoes through the Fade, "Gods YES, harder! Give it to me!"

The spirits of the Fade, who like Emmrich a whole helluva lot more than they like Solas right now, twirl and giggle.

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No, no I iz no supermodel, no...#bellatrix #peachers #catsofinstagram

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Dem beans 'doh. #bellatrix #catsofinstagram

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The other half of my heart caught the picture. This half winks most flirtatiously. #bellatrix #peachers

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The "Hayselmi" clan in UNICORN FORM! Bella even has a tail. Quite proud:) #unicorn #christmas

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These people. These people keep my heart beating. Even when life feels like a slip-n-slide, I focus on these faces. I am thankful, thankful not only for them, but those of you who have the patience and acceptance for me as I struggle through my mental illness. Pettums, Tree, Bish, Michael, Debra and Debbie, Graham, Nesha, Robin, Ally, Gigi, Lynne...the list goes on and on. You keep me alive. And I am forever grateful for you.

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Even when she's horrified at toe smell, she couldn't be more beautiful. #bellatrix #catsofinstagram

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My two loves. #bellatrix #beebles #catsofinstagram

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These are a few of my favoritest things. #bellatrix #catsofinstagram #beebles

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My Everythings. #beebles #bellatrix

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I really didn't know. #myheart #bellatrix

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Two of my most favorite beings. #bellatrix #daddy

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My Morning Catjacket. #bellatrix #catsofinstagram

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Welcome to my Boudoir...#bellatrix #catsofinstagram

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#idaho #yellowstonebound