nympheuomene-hera - Tumblr blog

[nympheuomene-hera]

ngl, if this weren’t so true, i would’ve revealed my divinity to all of y’all

[nympheuomene-hera]

hera is disappointed in men once again

I just,,,,,,, DON’T UNDERSTAND?? I’m the literal QUEEN of Olympus, wife of the KING of the gods Zeus, and yet people still forget about me? I’M—

You mortals never fail to disappoint me. Pelias really thought he could throw a feast for the gods WITHOUT me? I will never not be mad about that. Y’all be testing my patience. He paid his price, I made sure of that.

Actually now that I think of it, I hate when people just don’t,,, see my worth?? Like my dick of a husband. Still don’t understand what he sees in all those women that I don’t already have. Ugh. And like you mortals never learn, do you? Nestor will die before y’all truly see my worth. (Actually tho, this man is like OLD old. Like, he’s no primordial god, but damnnnnnnn that man is OLD). Even after that Pelias situation, y’all still want to doubt my worth. Like that one mortal, Paris. I still can’t BELIEVE he chose APHRODITE over ME and Athena. It’s quite obvious I’m the fairest of them all. He turned down POWER for the most beautiful woman in the world? I hope he knows the mess he’s started.

Anyways, I have to tend to my birds. Peacocks are the most beautiful birds created, fitting for the fairest goddess in all of Olympus (you hear THAT Paris?!?!)

[nympheuomene-hera]

perhaps mortals snapped with tv shows

I know it’s incredibly cliché of me to say this, but you know what? I’m not ashamed! I’ve been binge-watching a lot of Say Yes to the Dress lately. I mean, at this point, this should not be surprising to anyone. I know y’all characterize me as this destructive and crazed wife, but as the goddess of marriage, it warms my heart to see these women getting ready for one of the best days of their lives. It’s adorable :’)))) I am Hera Telea, the fulfiller of rites, especially those in marriage. Finding the perfect dress, at least in this modern day, is an important step in the union between two people. As the fulfiller of rites, I take these rituals seriously, not necessarily just in marriage. For example, funeral rites are very important here in good ol’ Greece. I mean without it, Charon may not even let you pass into the Underworld. (Hades has been on my ass about this, but he just wants to remind y’all that the Underworld =/= hell; in fact, it’s not really an afterlife tbh. For the most part, you’ll be flitting around as a soul, that is, if you don’t commit some extreme hubris that requires punishment in Tartaros). It’s why Priam so desperately begged to Achilles to give Hector’s body back so that they may bury him properly.

Anyways, I am off-topic. Marriage is a beautiful thing. Heck, my daughter Eileithyia is literally the goddess of childbirth, the next step after marriage! Although, some of y’all really out here being born in the strangest of ways. Out of a forehead? Thigh? Hatched as an egg? Literally being birthed from bodily fluids hitting the ground?? 

Oh shoot, the commercial breaks over. Catch y’all later xx

[nympheuomene-hera]

smh

So uhhhhh, climate change, huh? That’s an oof. That is a big, big oof. Y’all mortals really don’t know how to take care of anything, do you? Man, after five ages, you’d think you’d learn to improve as a race but nah, unlike fine wine, y’all do NOT get better with age. First of all, you guys are ruining the ocean with garbage the size of islands, overfishing, and destruction of aquatic plant life. Poseidon is very pissed. Guess that’s why the ocean levels have begun to rise. Hope this doesn’t result in another flood.

Secondly, your greenhouse gas emissions?? WAY TOO MUCH. Because of it, the world is heating up hotter than it needs to, the ozone layer is being destroyed, and radiation is going to kill you all. Like Semele, y’all are going to burn down.

But seriously tho, isn’t experiencing winter already enough? I mean, my goodness, when Persephone went missing, Demeter was a MESS. She roamed the Earth searching for her daughter, slowly but surely starving the world as she allowed the crops to die out. And even when Persephone struck a deal to live part time in the Underworld, you humans still experience a season in which pretty much everything dies. Demeter starved the world out of mourning; but now, you mortals are doing this to yourself. Winters are cold and harsh enough already. And now with climate change, you guys are literally disrupting the balance everything. The glaciers are melting, and sea levels are rising. Biodiversity? GONE. Clean air? GONE. You are willingly defiling Gaea, and for what? To make cheap, disposable one-use plastic because it’s more convenient for you, even though y’all damn well know it takes a thousand years to decompose? It ain’t Demeter’s fault your crops aren’t growing, it’s YOUR fault. If y’all don’t get your governments to step up soon, perhaps it’s time to start yet another age……

[nympheuomene-hera]

song recs ayyyyy

Currently blasting She Don’t by Ella Mai because people - *cough, cough* MEN - be TESTING my patience once again. I can’t believe I have to deal with Zeus cheating on me all the time with mortals. MORTALS. Like, for example, what does Semele have that I don’t? I’M LITERALLY THE QUEEN OF THE GODS. WHAT MORE CAN HE NEED? THERE’S LITERALLY NO COMPARISON. Acting as if she’s special cause she’s with Zeus. GUESS WHAT HONEY – SO IS 99% OF THE FEMALE POPULATION (apart from Athena, Artemis, and Hestia, of course. While being the goddess of marriage I would naturally want these women to wed, I guess it is their choice to stay virgins). Good thing I put her in place. ZEUS LOVES ME YOU HEAR THAT. She did this to herself, all I did was point out his other affairs. She was the one who decided to get burned ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ She will never be me Zeus, you hear that?

Anyways, ladies remember your worth. As my gal Ella Mai says, “No comparison, no she don’t.”

xx, Hera

[nympheuomene-hera]

weakness? idk her

Listen, I know what a lot of you will say, “Hera, your greatest weakness is your extreme jealousy!” And first and foremost, how dare you speak to a goddess like that, much less the Queen of the gods? Such hubris will be handled accordingly, so I suggest you never let those words leave your mouth. And second of all, no, that is incorrect. What you may call ‘jealousy’, I call claiming what is mine. In fact, I think MY greatest weakness is the fact that I’m TOO loyal. Any woman in this modern day and age would’ve left their husband the minute they find out they are cheating, much less with multiple women. But that’s where you mere mortals are weak. As the embodiment of marriage, I am able to withstand the constant adultery. I am the BEST wife in the world, so y’all better bow down to me. I mean, you should anyways, because I am literally a goddess, but I digress. My loyalty stems from my empathy. If Zeus hadn’t come to me in the form of a bird, perhaps I wouldn’t have been queen. But as the Fates may have it, my empathy for animals allowed Zeus to enter my room and seduce me, and by my virtues, I agreed to marry him. So to reiterate, my weakness is NOT jealousy. I am simply loyal, and those other women simply had it coming for them :)))

[nympheuomene-hera]

my greatest strength?

Being that I am the queen of the gods, I would say I have many strengths; I am a leader, a strong woman, a loving wife. As I am also the deity of marriage, I am a fulfiller of rites, an embodiment of domesticity, a model for the ideal homelife. I am an amazing mother to three beautiful children: Hebe, Ares, and Eileithyia. (Haphaestus? Sorry who??? Is that some sort of tool? Idk her). I know, I’m literally the most perfect being alive, I couldn’t POSSIBLY chose my strongest quality. But alas, I’ve narrowed it down to one: I am incredibly dedicated. Whether that’s a good or bad thing, well, I guess it depends on what you do to me. I am dedicated to my husband. I’ve never committed adultery and our marriage has lasted eons.

However, I will not hesitate to slap a bitch the minute you touch my man. Let’s see, there was Io (yeah, the cow I mentioned before. I pursued her ALL round the world, before eventually relenting); there was Echo (I made sure she could never properly speak again). What else? I made one of the most beautiful goddesses in the world give birth to an ugly ass child because of her infidelity. I sided with the Greeks during the Trojan War just because I was ticked off that Paris didn’t chose me as the fairest.

I guess the final conclusion from all this is that I am a dedicated being. As a the goddess of marriage, and the fulfiller of rites, it is important I stay true to my virtues. The driving force behind many of the actions take are my virtues, especially regarding faithfulness in marriage. You may think my actions are extreme, but I stay true to what I believe in. I stick with it. (No tea, no shade, but I’m looking at you Kallisto. Girl, if you swear to stay a virgin, especially as a companion of Artemis, you must stick it, no matter how much you’re pursued, but that’s none of my business)

[nympheuomene-hera]

Erotes in the air but I ain’t feeling the love

MEN. AINT. SHIT. PERIOD. This is what I get for marrying the biggest fuckboy in Olympus – nay, the entire Cosmos. Ugh, I should’ve left that bird outside that window. Acting like Priapos cause he CAN’T KEEP IT IN HIS PANTS. As per usual, Zeus is cheating on me AGAIN. Zeus is lucky I’m the goddess of marriage or else I would’ve left his ass a long time ago. I mean, for gods sake, while he was out there popping children left and right, I made Haphaestus all on my own. That’ll show him. I can have children without him too AND without cheating.

How many times has this happened now? Let’s see: there was Io (God, how gullible did he think I was? That cow really thought she could run away from me); there was Leda, Europa, Kallisto…and those are just the mortals! And the AUDACITY he had to name his bastard son Herakles after cheating on me AGAIN with Alkmene. As if he would ever be the ‘glory of Hera.’ PSH. Imagine. I’m gonna make his life difficult. I think Eurystheus has some tasks in mind….

[nympheuomene-hera]

final update about the whole dad thing lol

Zeus was able to save us by teaming up with Metis! Idk if it’s just me, but he’s kinda hot ngl but he idk if he’s my type. I don’t think I’ll give in to his attempts. Anyways, I think a war is about to start. Time to overthrow my father, I guess.

[nympheuomene-hera]

update #3

He drank some sort of concoction, and he’s been gassy lately. Omg, I thiNK HE’S ABOUT TO HURLwj;vlslkv

[nympheuomene-hera]

Another Update!!

Pebbles started raining down on us??? Tf is he eating now

[nympheuomene-hera]

LIL UPDATE

There are currently five of us in here. I hear mother is expecting another child. More companions in here, I guess.

[nympheuomene-hera]

Okay maybe I should start from the beginning. Hello! The name’s Hera, and I’m one of the daughter’s of Kronos and Rhea! Yeah, my family is pretty messed up, not gonna lie, but as the Fates may have it, I am stuck with them. So, as I’ve been updated by my sister Hestia and Demeter, apparently our father is currently devouring his children because he fears being overthrown by his children?? UGH OUR POWER. I shouldn’t be surprised though. My father literally castrated my grandfather Ouranos, so him swallowing his children shouldn’t be that far-fetched.

Oh, you probably want updates on my current situation. So right now its like, super dark and I only have my sisters for company. I mean, I guess my father is nice enough to let us live, and like, not digest, so it isn’t that bad???? Oh shoot, I hear yelling coming from his esophagus. His next child is arriving, and it’s a boy’s voice. I have a brother!!

[nympheuomene-hera]

Hey guys, currently reporting from the bottom of my father’s stomach. Stay tuned for updates :-)