oberon-loves-unicorn-sparkles

[oberon-loves-unicorn-sparkles]

Witch King: i'm so sorry about the torture you faced at the hands of Melkor.

Sauron, sniffling: I miss when he'd wear his sharp boots and step on me for hours at a time...

Witch King: Um?

Sauron, wiping his tears away: And when he'd string me up for days on end... I miss him so much.

Witch King: Master, are you alright?

Sauron, sobbing: I used to call him Master.

[oberon-loves-unicorn-sparkles]

Mairon: Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury. Over the past four days you have witnessed the Valar’s prosecutor attempt to effectively bamboozle you with a series of hearsay arguments and loose, speculative evidence placing my husb—CLIENT near the scene of the crime during the time of the murder. You are tasked to consider the evidence and whether it proves beyond a reasonable doubt whether my client is guilty. Is my client a perfect man? No—

Melkor: I killed him, yea.

[oberon-loves-unicorn-sparkles]

Melkor and Mairon sharing a braincell like

[oberon-loves-unicorn-sparkles]

I’m convinced that when Tolkien wrote that Sauron was wiser than Melkor, he was actually trying to tell us they’re the “Dumb & Dumber” duo.

Being wiser than a guy who almost got eaten by a giant spider just because he wanted to snatch some magic gems he didn’t even need—let’s be honest, the bar is in hell 😭😭😭

[oberon-loves-unicorn-sparkles]

The part of the Silm they don’t want you to know about: Melkor’s horrible, awful, no-good pickup lines.

[oberon-loves-unicorn-sparkles]

Sauron is a NERD

Sauron, slapping a packet of papers on Melkor's desk: Please read over these forms, and sign them if you accept the terms.

Melkor, squinting at the papers: What is this??

Sauron: My marriage proposal.

[oberon-loves-unicorn-sparkles]

Melkor: Mairon’s mad at me :(

Thuringwethil: Because you stole the silmarils?

Melkor: No, that’s not it.

Thuringwethil: Because you got yourself in jail for a couple of thousand years without any conjugal visits?

Melkor: No.

Thuringwethil: Because you got robbed 'cause you got distracted by Luthien’s two hot arguments?

Melkor: No.

Thuringwethil: Because you crept into his forge again and hid all his tools?

Melkor: N- well, yes, but that’s not it.

Thuringwethil: Because you left the window open and it rained and every stack of documents on his desk got soaking wet?

Melkor: No.

Thuringwethil: Because you read his mail and scrawled stupid side comments and doodled wangs all over it?

Melkor: No.

Thuringwethil: Trouble with “performance” in bed?

Melkor: What- NO!

Thuringwethil: Did you ignore his safeword?

Melkor: What’s a safeword??

Thuringwethil: You forget to clean the toys?

Melkor: I AM all the toys he needs!!!

Thuringwethil: Because you screamed and killed the spider that was actually his friend?

Melkor: Wait, they were friends?!

Thuringwethil: Well, I really don’t know why he would be cross with you, Lord Melkor.

Melkor:

Melkor:

Melkor: I ... I said his ring ... you know, the one he’s just made ... well, I said it reminded me a bit … a bit ... of Voldemort’s horcruxes.

Thuringwethil:

Thuringwethil: You better call for a really good divorce lawyer immediately.

[oberon-loves-unicorn-sparkles]

Someone: Oh, Sauron, it's okay. None of this is your fault!

Sauron: No, it really isn't.

Someone: You were tortured by Morgoth!

Sauron: Oh yes, I was tortured. Terribly, terribly so.

Someone: Your evil master forced you to do such horrible things!

Sauron: Oh, he did! *wipes away a tear* And horrible they were indeed!

Someone: All of this is just a result of your trauma!

Sauron: Oh yes, I am very much traumatized! Poor me!!!

Someone: You're just a victim yourself!!!

Sauron: A poor, endearing, gorgeous-looking, totally not responsible victim I am!!!

Melkor: Wait... So ... all the sex we had ... you told me it was great and it wasn't??!

Sauron: Oh no, it was wonderful.

Melkor: ... So ... that time when you asked me to take you REALLY hard on the war table actually traumatized you??

Sauron: Oh no, darling, I very much enjoyed that.

Melkor: ... So ... when you slayed elves and humans in my name you actually suffered??!

Sauron: Oh no, I very much enjoyed that, too.

Melkor: ... So ... when we married I was actually FORCING you to forge our rings????

Sauron: Oh no, that was quite fun, I had even made them in advance, I had been waiting for your proposal for ages. You really took your time, you're so shy.

Melkor: ??? So ... all of this is just one of your lies again????

Sauron: Ah, my lord, believe me, watching you playing Tic-Tac-Toe and losing against Húrin time and time again was nothing but utter torture and trauma.

[oberon-loves-unicorn-sparkles]

Personally, I really like the take that Vala/Maia couples weren't really supposed to happen, because views about such pairings would range from "You can't sleep with your boss!" to "This profanity is against Eru's will!"

And I really like this in the context of angbang, because I can just imagine Mairon pacing in circles after the first few times they got together, rubbing his temples and going:

Mairon: This is extremely inappropriate... I am his bloody lieutenant! And a consummate professional. I am a consummate professional. I am—

Meanwhile Melkor would just be like:

Melkor: I hope our love offends God.

[oberon-loves-unicorn-sparkles]

Melkor, unbuttoning his shirt: there are certain... benefits to being on my side

Feanor: are you trying to seduce me into the ways of evil?

Melkor: is it working?

Feanor: no. Should it?

Melkor, insulted: it worked well enough on Mairon

[oberon-loves-unicorn-sparkles]

As I can't see my own reblog once again, here's a repost:

A direct answer to this enlightening post:

Sauron: Let's destroy these worthless Noldor elves.

Melkor: Yes!

Sauron: Let's wipe them from the face of Arda!

Melkor: YES PRECIOUS!!!

Sauron: Let's make the young kill their elders and the elders drink their own children's blood!

Melkor: YES PREC- ... wait, what?

Sauron: Let mortal men become insane while eating their own flesh and dwarves bury and suffocate their brethren and kin beneath their heaps of gold!!!

Melkor: Uhm... okay...

Sauron: Let's annihilate ALL LIVING BEINGS in Middle-Earth forever and forevermore!!!

Melkor: *rather timidly* Uhhh... isn't that a bit, erm... drastic? I mean, could we not just... erm... I don't know... enslave them for now...?

Sauron: And then, when ALL is burnt and wiped out of chaotic existence until only ash and darkness remains, let's march upon the Valar and destroy THEM as well and rip their hearts out of their crumbling bodies until their VERY SPIRITS flee with terror and despair into the void NEVER to return again, so everything will be and remain in PERFECT order and be ours, ours, OURS!!!!!!!!

Melkor: Uhm... y-yes... sure babe... but uhm... shouldn't we perhaps... well, leave some of them alive so *cough* we don't run out of slaves and prisoners to torture and elves to hunt? W-wouldn't it be, uhm... rather boresome to have no wars to fight and no one to scare out of their wits anymore, precious?

Sauron: Oh, well I guess... you got a point there, my lord. Perhaps we should slow down our efforts for now.

Melkor: Whatever makes you happy, precious.

Melkor: *SWEATING*

[oberon-loves-unicorn-sparkles]

Given that much of Sauron’s character throughout the legendarium features him being very openly obsessed with his lord, (“Tidings enough from Thû there came/but short while since,” his temple to Morgoth in Númenor, “Grond” and his other naming conventions post-WoW, “adored,” “bereaved,” etc), I would like to propose that the seduction of Mairon was less “Evil Job Offer” or “Melkor making eyes at a cute forge Maia,” and more Mairon blatantly hitting on the local He Who Arises In Might while Aulë bluescreens in the doorway.

[oberon-loves-unicorn-sparkles]

As I can't see my own reblog once again, here's a repost:

A direct answer to this great post:

Melkor: *tiptoing through Aulë's forge deliberating nervously* Oh f*ck what should I say to him... I need the perfect line... the perfect words... I bet he's terribly devoted to that ass Aulë...Void, what should I say to him...

Melkor: *stopping before Mairon's forge*

Melkor: *taking a deep breath*

Melkor: Hi

Mairon: *thinking* Oh my f*ck that's the hottest, most fascinating stud I've ever seen, I'm gonna ride him for all eternity right in front of Aulë's face till kingdom come.

Aftermath - what was actually said:

Melkor: Hi

Mairon: YES!

Melkor: Err-

Mairon: YES YES YES!!!

Melkor: ...pardon me?

Mairon: YES, I will marry you, I've got the rings ready, I forged them while you where in the back there murmuring to yourself, yes, yes, YES, here they are, here's my hand, give me your hand, let's DO this!!!!!!!!

Melkor: ...

Melkor: Cool.

Melkor: *thinking* I'm so smooth.

[oberon-loves-unicorn-sparkles]

do you think when sauron forcibly demanded that the numenorians make commissioned the nude Melkor Statue, he sat beside the artist describing every single detail so that the cock and balls looked perfect?

[oberon-loves-unicorn-sparkles]

Melkor being bisexual makes so much sense.

How else do you explain him controlling both fire and ice?

[oberon-loves-unicorn-sparkles]

Mairon to Melkor when he's being weird about Fëanor again

[oberon-loves-unicorn-sparkles]