oblongoctopus - Tumblr blog

[oblongoctopus]

opto school update

hi

just reading back on the last post, i’m doing lots better! perhaps it was the moving away haha

changed my tag from heckinheckaroos to oblongoctopus to reflect the change in state of mind

umm, i have no close school friends at the moment - there's like... people i talk to, but they all have their close friends, you know? it's hard because i don't enjoy going outside at night and everyone likes to do so

that's all for now, back to studying for the last final :))

[oblongoctopus]

opto school

my mum wants me to stay at home and commute by train to the nearby optometry school. 

it is first of all, an hour away, not counting the time it will take my dad to drive me to the train station since we don’t have a car for me (and note this! I am not asking for a car! I don’t want nor need one at the moment! I just want some personal space in my own home!) The trip goes as such: 

1. Train half an hour from LA to Fullerton 2. Bus 15 minutes from the train to a spot near the school 3. Walk a mile from the bus stop to school. 

And then do it all again when I have to go home at the end of the day? 

With nowhere to relax, since the bathroom is in "my” room, and the door doesn’t even close? With my mum and dad constantly nagging me over the way I sit, or that I have to make my bed, or clean my room, or take care of my eczema, or....and on and on and on

To boot, I have no idea where my brother is going for school, so he may as well be living at home too! It already sucks sharing a room when I visit home for the holidays. 

I have no life at home. I am constantly being monitored. And that is not to say it is out of malice (i think)! If I am to go out, I am interrogated as to who, what, where, when, and worst of all, why. not that there’s really anywhere to go around here anyway more to come when i feel more terrible hahaha i am currently looking at flights and it makes me happy 

[oblongoctopus]

I wish I had known about this when I was in it. Abuse is a CHOICE.

[oblongoctopus]

jesus christ

being in an abusive relationship kills not only yourself but everyone around you

[oblongoctopus]

soap

binu > nabi

[oblongoctopus]

I’m angry

I have class from 5:30 to 10 pm, and we usually finish around 8. I don’t have a car so I have to uber/Lyft back to my home 8 miles away OR take a freaking 1.5 hour bus ride home at 8 pm! That means I get home at 10:30!!! Ridiculous! What the hell am I supposed to do with my time then?!?!?

Then, my stupid internet plan finished its year-long promotion, so now we’re back to 70 frickin bucks a month, so I have to call and beg or some shit, or switch to another ISP with a DATA CAP. a DATA FUCKING CAP. 

i have a fucking exam today, I still have to go to work, and I have to figure out who to fricking shadow, and what schools i want to go to

i just paid my SIXTY FIVE DOLLAR BUS PASS, and I’m trying to save for a trip. Okay i shouldn’t have gone out to eat yesterday but fucking hell man, why is living so damn expensive and time consuming. 

I think I’ll sell my borbs and my giraffe plush, my hamster supplies, a couple pieces of clothing. Fuckin hell man. 

[oblongoctopus]

i did it! no more espresso depresso

okay, some espresso depresso, only because i still care

[oblongoctopus]

espresso depresso

[oblongoctopus]

feelings

i’ve been thinking about the friends that (i think) i was forced to not talk to anymore. 

i miss them a lot. i miss having such a close connection with someone i’m not romantically interested in. i miss having fun with them. 

i read the last texts they sent me, which was about a year and a half ago. maybe even two. 

to this day they are each others best friends. and me? i have my best friend. but i am romantically involved with them. which

was the source of the problem. 

they didnt like my friends, and i couldnt and cant, understand why. 

although they said “we may reconvene someday” i’m not sure how that can happen. we are different people nowadays. 

i wonder if someone has gone through something like this. 

as it approaches christmas, memories of what our friendship was like surface more and more often. 

i wonder if can ever speak to them again. if anything, for closure.

[oblongoctopus]

why

why do you hide shit from me

why do you pretend you don’t love her

why do you pretend i’m your one and only when she’s all you talk to all day and i’m the problem

is it my fault

should i just give up