observenture

[observenture]

Today We Talk a Lot

About the the culture/scientific mindmelt of being a millenial while the speed of change sprints forward faster than ever before: we the generation who grew up without smart phones and now have become equally tech native in the current universe of being plugged into smart phones and live streaming all the time, plus AI. And that's a hell of a mindmelt when you really think about it, let me tell you.

But thinking about the invention of television and what (if memory serves) was a fairly rapid evolution from live radio broadcasts as in in-home device to live black and white television that was actually streaming the landing of man's first walk on the moon. Unlike the phone/smartphone/now convention, where all phases stemmed from the same initial technological spark, just evolving one massive step further...

the rapid evolution from radio to television was a different "wow things happen fast" technological wave than the bounce from passenger aircrafts as a new phenomenon of people traveling to the moon!? Like, either one of those evolutionary folds would absolutely blow someone's mind. But, in 2 different arenas and yet at the same time, two equally expansive folds of technological advances by leaps and bounds.

If our ancestors had been told that not only had cell phones been invented but also that smart phones had become the ultra-connected device that everyone had in their pockets at all times (to the extent that such a handy device is ever put down at all)-- if you posed the question: of those two things, which is the future and which is science fiction of the future, you wouldn't know which could possibly be which. Nevermind that both are actually existing, not science fiction at all.

In the same way, telling some other ancestors that not only had radio been invented and morphed into television but also that humans had learned to fly not just in the sky but into space and therefore there was a televised landing of man on the moon and then posing to those ancestors the question of which is future and which is science fiction of the future... how could you have possibly fathomed even one of those seismic shifts happening so very soon? Nevermind that both of those things not only became dreamed up in science fiction but then also within a single lifetime the science fiction between the fact? How do you even wrap your brain around that?

And then when you consider that the radio space launch mindmelts of the last scientific revolution are actually not even all the way to "ancestory" of the generation experiencing the cell phone to AI on your smart phone mind taco of the current scientific mindfuck and in fact are barely separated by a couple of generations, have even been together and breathed the same air as humans...

the proximity of all that folding on our current epoch is probably why my brain feels one fold away from melting every single day of my life and I don't know how to take a breath

[observenture]

Reality Testing Extreme

I feel like I don't even know where to start on what is objective and what is construct. Nevermind, that one is easy-ish because obviously everything is a construct.

I don't know what thoughts/feelings/perceptions are from:

living in the current state of daily increases of fascism and validated, existential dread driven by a constant barrage of unprecedented events (not an exaggeration)

catastrophizing the anticipation of #1 while things are super not great but not quite as bad as all of that

depression (garden variety)

unprocessed/processing grief (dead brother)

unprocessed/processing grief (dead estranged friend)

unprocessed/processing grief (cancer mom, parental mortality, family dynamics)

depression (chronic and intractable)

living the life that past me planned for, without fully understanding how I would grow (and the world would change), leaving the current trappings of daily life filled with things that don't quite serve me

being overly-focused on ways that some aspects of my current life don't serve me (with no creativity of thought in how I can be the architect of my own destiny, possibly stemming from any of items 1-8 or something entirely different)

feeling lonely (again, either potentially stemming from items 1-9 or from evolving realizations of role of community as an essential in my life but not something I've built into the infrastructure)

exhaustion from trying to maintain that hyper-individualistic life that has always been unsustainable but now is more clearly so than ever

loving partnership that may not yet have the communication skills for wrestling with items 1-11 together, therefore double-intensifying both 10 and 11

D. some combination of all of the above.

Nevermind, this one is apparently easy-ish too because it's obviously "D."

So, at that point, is there even any benefit to reality testing which parts/how much items 1-12 are "true" vs. just "feels true"?

And does it even matter if everything I'm currently feeling is based on a recipe of 3 parts x to 7 parts y or if it's a dash of this and a dab of that? Maybe all of the above *matters* sure but doesn't inform the solution. And therefore the cause of the wound doesn't strictly matter when the immediate (and strategic) focus is finding ways to stem the flow of blood.

But how do you know the answer to that? And then what do you do?

[observenture]

maybe initially I was out of the habit of writing. I was adulting in that way that involves moving from being reactive to classroom stimuli and interest shifts to proactive in building your own life, deciding how you spend your time, coming to grips with the fact that there is no natural semester's end to close the door on certain projects. And certainly no summer or winter break to offer definitive, predictable respite from the grind, joyful and meaningful though that grind may of be.

So I think on the spectrum of things, maybe we had gone from positive writing/creating to neutral writing/creating and in that context, neutral was truly no "worse" or even significant that positive for this specific thing.

I've always been a reader. Always always, to as far back as I can remember as a kid. I read voraciously and for fun. During my "leisure" time, I would intentionally choose reading over any other activity, nearly every time. In the "standby" time of riding in the car or going with my parents on an errand/appointment, a book would keep me occupied. Reading filled the precious, found and hoarded moments of finishing an assignment early and getting to amuse myself with something else in class. Reading was a secret activity for staying up deliciously late to suck just a bit more meaning and time out of life.

Reading was my escape, whether *into* an exciting and fantastical story or *away from* the chores of mundane life or the truths of a not-always-comfortable existence. So, reading was there for me and I also used reading, both for pleasure and denial.

So I was definitely, first and foremost, a reader. But I think I was also richly the inverse. I was a dreamer, a storyteller, a walker between the realms of the what could bes of both the wonderous imagination and the equally compelling but less beloved anxieties of the potential. If I was occupied in such a way that reading was not an option, I could drift and daydream of futures and pasts and realms both known and unknown. I wasn't a "legitimate" writer in the way some of my friends were (writing long-form fictions with a focused dedication to storyline, completion, and outcomes). But I liked to toy with the trappings of poetry, spin a thread of a prompt into a wisp of a short story, or even journal, the least "respectable" form of all in my opinion, as it was only recording my own feelings. No flair or creativity or skill required at all.

So I wrote, or if I wasn't writing, I thought. Maybe writing for fun and thinking that way too was one of the few places that perfectionism didn't fully control. It didn't have to be fully thought out, world-built to the breadth and depth of Tolkein, or to chronicle an epic tale. I could just write here or there. My life, for myself. Sure, in places where an audience could see, maybe sometimes, but not for the sake, the pressure, of an audience.

[observenture]

And I've noticed that somehow, over the past several years, maybe through the furthering of adult hood, the transition of one stage of complex life to another...

or maybe through the continued, sickening trajectory of the world around us raising a whole new wave of concerns about surviving in the present times and how to "adapt"

when coping mechanisms intended only to tide us over during the acute-but-time-limited period of crises that all of us face at some point in our lives...

are now an everyday weight, the grind of a "new normal"

a normal far worse than any of us ever anticipated when we joked about a several-iterations-ago "temporary" normal as one element we had considered acute started to settle in as somewhat chronic, while yet being far to close to acute for comfort

So sometime over the past few years, either over the "normal" course of adulting through growth and experience or the intolerable normalcy of ever-greater crisis

during that time without a name, I did keep reading. I read and I read and I read. I read to escape. I read to shutdown. I read to stay "awake" and avoid the relentless sleep of depression and yet how far was the reading from dreamless sleep.

during that time I read but I wasn't really writing.

I've always been a reader. Always always, to as far back as I can remember as a kid. I read voraciously and for fun. During my "leisure" time, I would intentionally choose reading over any other activity, nearly every time. In the "standby" time of riding in the car or going with my parents on an errand/appointment, a book would keep me occupied. Reading filled the precious, found and hoarded moments of finishing an assignment early and getting to amuse myself with something else in class. Reading was a secret activity for staying up deliciously late to suck just a bit more meaning and time out of life.

Reading was my escape, whether *into* an exciting and fantastical story or *away from* the chores of mundane life or the truths of a not-always-comfortable existence. So, reading was there for me and I also used reading, both for pleasure and denial.

So I was definitely, first and foremost, a reader. But I think I was also richly the inverse. I was a dreamer, a storyteller, a walker between the realms of the what could bes of both the wonderous imagination and the equally compelling but less beloved anxieties of the potential. If I was occupied in such a way that reading was not an option, I could drift and daydream of futures and pasts and realms both known and unknown. I wasn't a "legitimate" writer in the way some of my friends were (writing long-form fictions with a focused dedication to storyline, completion, and outcomes). But I liked to toy with the trappings of poetry, spin a thread of a prompt into a wisp of a short story, or even journal, the least "respectable" form of all in my opinion, as it was only recording my own feelings. No flair or creativity or skill required at all.

So I wrote, or if I wasn't writing, I thought. Maybe writing for fun and thinking that way too was one of the few places that perfectionism didn't fully control. It didn't have to be fully thought out, world-built to the breadth and depth of Tolkein, or to chronicle an epic tale. I could just write here or there. My life, for myself. Sure, in places where an audience could see, maybe sometimes, but not for the sake, the pressure, of an audience.

[observenture]

I've always been a reader. Always always, to as far back as I can remember as a kid. I read voraciously and for fun. During my "leisure" time, I would intentionally choose reading over any other activity, nearly every time. In the "standby" time of riding in the car or going with my parents on an errand/appointment, a book would keep me occupied. Reading filled the precious, found and hoarded moments of finishing an assignment early and getting to amuse myself with something else in class. Reading was a secret activity for staying up deliciously late to suck just a bit more meaning and time out of life.

Reading was my escape, whether *into* an exciting and fantastical story or *away from* the chores of mundane life or the truths of a not-always-comfortable existence. So, reading was there for me and I also used reading, both for pleasure and denial.

So I was definitely, first and foremost, a reader. But I think I was also richly the inverse. I was a dreamer, a storyteller, a walker between the realms of the what could bes of both the wonderous imagination and the equally compelling but less beloved anxieties of the potential. If I was occupied in such a way that reading was not an option, I could drift and daydream of futures and pasts and realms both known and unknown. I wasn't a "legitimate" writer in the way some of my friends were (writing long-form fictions with a focused dedication to storyline, completion, and outcomes). But I liked to toy with the trappings of poetry, spin a thread of a prompt into a wisp of a short story, or even journal, the least "respectable" form of all in my opinion, as it was only recording my own feelings. No flair or creativity or skill required at all.

So I wrote, or if I wasn't writing, I thought. Maybe writing for fun and thinking that way too was one of the few places that perfectionism didn't fully control. It didn't have to be fully thought out, world-built to the breadth and depth of Tolkein, or to chronicle an epic tale. I could just write here or there. My life, for myself. Sure, in places where an audience could see, maybe sometimes, but not for the sake, the pressure, of an audience.

[observenture]

“Most of the old moles I know

wish they’d listened less to their fears

and more to their dreams”

The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse”

[observenture]

it's that I know that

I want to support you

in the things that matter most to you

so if you say that you want to limit snacking

I'll try to support you

by trying to find the best ways

to support limited snacking

I know you said that...

you wanted to be mindful of your eating and limit snacking, so that you could lose those few pounds that you've put on lately.

I know that because I heard you say it and I know that I love you and I want to support you

so I know that I support that

I know all of that

and yet

I still bought the snack-size cheez-its

and not just the cheez-its

I got Smart Corn Pop

and fffffffffFrito layzzz

all the minis

and I bought all that knowing that

we already had some pretzel minis at home

and plenty of other

not-minis at home too

I know that you said... and yet that I love you and I

bought alllllll the mini snacks

[observenture]

so no, it's not that I know

that I love you for so much more

than "just" your body

I know you said that...

you wanted to be mindful of your eating and limit snacking, so that you could lose those few pounds that you've put on lately.

I know that because I heard you say it and I know that I love you and I want to support you

so I know that I support that

I know all of that

and yet

I still bought the snack-size cheez-its

and not just the cheez-its

I got Smart Corn Pop

and fffffffffFrito layzzz

all the minis

and I bought all that knowing that

we already had some pretzel minis at home

and plenty of other

not-minis at home too

I know that you said... and yet that I love you and I

bought alllllll the mini snacks

[observenture]

and that's not

what I'm trying to say

and I hope it's not

what you think that you know

of me

I know you said that...

you wanted to be mindful of your eating and limit snacking, so that you could lose those few pounds that you've put on lately.

I know that because I heard you say it and I know that I love you and I want to support you

so I know that I support that

I know all of that

and yet

I still bought the snack-size cheez-its

and not just the cheez-its

I got Smart Corn Pop

and fffffffffFrito layzzz

all the minis

and I bought all that knowing that

we already had some pretzel minis at home

and plenty of other

not-minis at home too

I know that you said... and yet that I love you and I

bought alllllll the mini snacks

[observenture]

because it says that my valuation

of how much my feelings about your body

matter far more than

your own feelings about your body

as if

because I apparently don't particularly

care one way of another

about your body

because I think that way

you must also think that way

you must think my thoughts about

your body

and sometimes it really is that big

that extreme

that oppressive

that hurts us when done to us

by the ones we love

but other times it's not that overt

it's not the blatant crowing of

my card trumps yours

other times it's that

my feelings aren't more right

more important than

any feelings of yours

sometimes it's just that

my emotions are loud

and they take up a lot of space

and within our exhausted innattention

I neither have the wherewithal

to realize that my feelings

have bulldozed with their intensity

the softer

more subtle tones

of your feelings

And you likewise don't have the energy

the care to do the work it would be

to break through my

high waves of feelings

to remind me that

beneath the surface

your feelings flow just as strongly

and so, whether by malice

or simply habit

saying that I love you

for so much more than

"just"

your body

seems to say that I do love you

just not as much

as I love myself

I know you said that...

you wanted to be mindful of your eating and limit snacking, so that you could lose those few pounds that you've put on lately.

I know that because I heard you say it and I know that I love you and I want to support you

so I know that I support that

I know all of that

and yet

I still bought the snack-size cheez-its

and not just the cheez-its

I got Smart Corn Pop

and fffffffffFrito layzzz

all the minis

and I bought all that knowing that

we already had some pretzel minis at home

and plenty of other

not-minis at home too

I know that you said... and yet that I love you and I

bought alllllll the mini snacks

[observenture]

maybe that would be what you would think

that I meant

and I guess

it wouldn't be the end of the world

for you to think that

I mean that I hope you would find that

not just acceptable but even supportive

so maybe if I knew that you think that

it really doesn't matter that I let you know

what I really thought since it's not

what you currently think that you know

so I there's no need for me to let you know

that what you think I meant

isn't actually what I thought

I know you said that...

you wanted to be mindful of your eating and limit snacking, so that you could lose those few pounds that you've put on lately.

I know that because I heard you say it and I know that I love you and I want to support you

so I know that I support that

I know all of that

and yet

I still bought the snack-size cheez-its

and not just the cheez-its

I got Smart Corn Pop

and fffffffffFrito layzzz

all the minis

and I bought all that knowing that

we already had some pretzel minis at home

and plenty of other

not-minis at home too

I know that you said... and yet that I love you and I

bought alllllll the mini snacks

[observenture]

maybe that I'm trying to tell you

poorly

that we have been together for a while

And I loved your body when we met

and a few years later

when stress and time not grotesquely

made their weight on you clear

by increasing the burden of your body

for your soul to carry each day

I loved your body then

and when you decided to strengthen yourself

to better weather the grind of time

and so you worked to make your body thinner

for the sake of

quality over quantity

when it comes to both bodies and mortality

I loved your body then

and so whichever

or whatever, as the options are infinite,

size your body will be

I have loved thus far

and therefore can say with reasonable certainty

that I'll also and also again love your body then

I know you said that...

you wanted to be mindful of your eating and limit snacking, so that you could lose those few pounds that you've put on lately.

I know that because I heard you say it and I know that I love you and I want to support you

so I know that I support that

I know all of that

and yet

I still bought the snack-size cheez-its

and not just the cheez-its

I got Smart Corn Pop

and fffffffffFrito layzzz

all the minis

and I bought all that knowing that

we already had some pretzel minis at home

and plenty of other

not-minis at home too

I know that you said... and yet that I love you and I

bought alllllll the mini snacks

[observenture]

either that I don't love your

body at all

but hey, at least that

I find you so wildly attractive

in other ways that

it compensates for the

clear deficiency

of one specific area

telling you that is the worst

type of backhanded compliment

specifically because

I'm inflicting that shame

on somehow I profess to love

or

I know you said that...

you wanted to be mindful of your eating and limit snacking, so that you could lose those few pounds that you've put on lately.

I know that because I heard you say it and I know that I love you and I want to support you

so I know that I support that

I know all of that

and yet

I still bought the snack-size cheez-its

and not just the cheez-its

I got Smart Corn Pop

and fffffffffFrito layzzz

all the minis

and I bought all that knowing that

we already had some pretzel minis at home

and plenty of other

not-minis at home too

I know that you said... and yet that I love you and I

bought alllllll the mini snacks

[observenture]

I know that I love you

for so much more

than "just" your body

and yet

that alone

sounds

diminishing

dismissive

demoralizing

I know you said that...

you wanted to be mindful of your eating and limit snacking, so that you could lose those few pounds that you've put on lately.

I know that because I heard you say it and I know that I love you and I want to support you

so I know that I support that

I know all of that

and yet

I still bought the snack-size cheez-its

and not just the cheez-its

I got Smart Corn Pop

and fffffffffFrito layzzz

all the minis

and I bought all that knowing that

we already had some pretzel minis at home

and plenty of other

not-minis at home too

I know that you said... and yet that I love you and I

bought alllllll the mini snacks

[observenture]

Here's why (or how?) that I know that is that

I know you said that...

you wanted to be mindful of your eating and limit snacking, so that you could lose those few pounds that you've put on lately.

I know that because I heard you say it and I know that I love you and I want to support you

so I know that I support that

I know all of that

and yet

I still bought the snack-size cheez-its

and not just the cheez-its

I got Smart Corn Pop

and fffffffffFrito layzzz

all the minis

and I bought all that knowing that

we already had some pretzel minis at home

and plenty of other

not-minis at home too

I know that you said... and yet that I love you and I

bought alllllll the mini snacks

[observenture]

I know you said that...

you wanted to be mindful of your eating and limit snacking, so that you could lose those few pounds that you've put on lately.

I know that because I heard you say it and I know that I love you and I want to support you

so I know that I support that

I know all of that

and yet

I still bought the snack-size cheez-its

and not just the cheez-its

I got Smart Corn Pop

and fffffffffFrito layzzz

all the minis

and I bought all that knowing that

we already had some pretzel minis at home

and plenty of other

not-minis at home too

I know that you said... and yet that I love you and I

bought alllllll the mini snacks

[observenture]

Discovering the concept of pronoia