observer-of-life-blog1

[observer-of-life-blog1]

A rare moment captured of two men in love.

[observer-of-life-blog1]

So just found out I hate eating ice-cream and to some extent, cakes now. Feels like I am eating mush of sweet chemicals and paying for diabetes. No matter how “organic” they say it is. I hope this is not the start of some orthostatic nervosa syndrome... But meh.

[observer-of-life-blog1]

*sigh* Jared has no idea how freaking lucky he is... god bless him.

This never gets old :p #Adorkable 

Bonus

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[observer-of-life-blog1]

I think, after this life leaves me, I’ll need to be alone for a while. Maybe wake as the only prairie tree for miles; one of those great, twisting, green trees in a farmer’s field. This soul needs rest. This mind needs silence. And maybe, for years, I will stand under a sky that flows from gray in the winter and cracking with lightning in the summer. I will know each branch from the beginning. I will grow wiser with each ring. I will stand alone, but also in such great company.

Schuyler Peck, Prairie Tree (via schuylerpeck)

[observer-of-life-blog1]

Communicate. That’s the biggest and best first thing you can ever do. Whether it be with a teacher, sibling, friend, parent or even a counselor. Being able to communicate is the first step to your life getting better. It doesn’t have to be even talking; it can be a letter or email or text…let people know what’s going on in your life, your thoughts and emotions. People can and will help you, you just need to search them out. Oh and one last thing, never EVER let someone bring you down. You’re you, and you is always good enough. Never stray from who you are because you never know who will come along and want and love “you”.

- Marc M. (Brampton, ON, Canada)

[observer-of-life-blog1]

You need a private talk? Just send me an ask!:)

[observer-of-life-blog1]

I can’t deal with this. It’s too much. It hurts.

Jensen Ackles | SPN S9 Photoshoot: Outtakes

[observer-of-life-blog1]

Where. Is. This. Guy. In. My. Life?

AHBL 09

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[observer-of-life-blog1]

Life & Death

There are days I wonder if this dream we called Life is ever going to end. And I became increasingly disappointed each time I managed to woke up the next day just to realized the dream has not end.

You can call me an ungrateful and immature brat and I probably won’t argue and will even agree with you because after all, are we all not brought up and constantly being conditioned and told that ‘Life is Precious’. Ah yes, the golden slogan they kept throwing at my face ever since I can remember.

Except, they forgot to add that ‘Life is Precious’, only if you are rich and wealthy and have loads of people sucking up to you with no worries of the middle or lower class commoners like us, constantly thinking and struggling on how to survive.

I wouldn’t say my life is extremely bad because being aware that there are people out there who had far worse, going through pain and suffering that I can’t even begin to compare. Which truthfully, made me feel like an imbecile, an ungrateful middle-class brat. It could have been worst for me. 

At least, despite going through some moderate mental and emotional abuse in the past, my family is financially stable for the past... I don’t know... until recently where my father begin having some financial difficulties with his company. Even so, despite me not being able to hold a full-time job due to mild PTSD and anxiety issues (terrible shameful but convenient excuse, I know), my parents are still able to provide for my living expenses while I try to find the “meaning of my life”. That, and job hopping around while I search for my “calling” or the "right” job (another crappy excuse I give myself).

But truth be told, deep down, I am so miserable and in pain. I think it borders mild depression, but these days, WHO ISN’T? Apparently, everyone is so depressed with the World/ Life today, that my depression is considered normal or pale in comparison to those on medications and intense psychotherapy.

That being said, I really don’t feel like living. No, I am certain I don’t want to live anymore and I have come to prefer death over anything by now. In fact, while death seems like the plague people want to avoid, I welcome Death with open arms anytime. While death seems like something sad or sorrowful, it’s nothing but the sweetest release of the pain and suffering from Life and the human existence. While others celebrate Birth and Life and mourn for the dead, I rejoice and envy those visited by Death and had left this world, beginning their journey into the other realms (if they exist).

It’s just that... I don’t want to be the one causing or initiating it. Like all people with mild suicide thoughts, firstly, I don’t want to go through the physical painful act of suicide. Secondly, I don’t want to be the unfilial one responsible for the sorrow and grief to my parents. Thirdly, being raised in a somewhat religious family where the religion states that suicide is a sin and will be punish in eternal pits of hell (assuming that exists), I really don’t want to risk the chances. I wonder if having no intentions to live is a sin? It feels like everything is a sin these days. 

Man, I am so tired... and exhausted... but nope, Life will not give you a break. Life doesn’t care. Because Life doesn’t take sides. It just does what it does. Flowing according to the Universal Plan it has for all of us. And knowing that doesn’t bring me any comfort, at all.

I really just want things to end. I just want Life to end. I will never ever find and be with my “soul mate” or the “person I love” because I am hiding in the closet. Yeah, I am gay. And in my country, well, it’s illegal to be romantically intimate with the same gender. Can’t migrate to other more liberal countries, because... well... money don’t grow on trees.

Can’t be with the person I love. What is the meaning of my life? Hmm? Might as well just kill me. I am not allowed to love the person I love. Or the person I love won’t even love me back because well, society doesn’t accept our relationship. I am NOT ALLOWED TO LOVE. And even if I do, there’s the searching for your “soul mate” part. Everything is fine, except when you are a socially awkward, passive introvert that have problems expressing yourself on a daily basis because you can’t ever be yourself. Yeah, everything is fine.

Typing all this out is making me feeling even more depressed. I think I am just going to stop here. Feeling tired with Life. Yeah I know, my life doesn’t suck as bad as others more unfortunate than me. But a guy can only take so much. And I don’t know how much longer I can take all this. When I hit old age, when I am no longer desirable. When I no longer have energy to make a living, who is going to be there for me?

I wonder....

Signing off,

XOXO

[observer-of-life-blog1]

Partnership Goals

So the other day when I was romantically depressed while web surfing, I came across some random self-help website which advocates listing the characteristics you want from your mate so you can identify the type of person you want to be with when you do meet them in real life.

GOD I SOUND SO DESPERATE AND PATHETIC.

But anyways... Gonna make a list of qualities/ characteristics I want in my partner. Don’t judge me, thank you. We all have a type and you know it:

Physical attributes:

1) Tanned skin (preferable but optional)

2) Beautiful, gorgeous, sexy eyes, lips, feet *cough*jensenackles*cough*

3) Toned body and not excessively muscular.

4) Height is not an issue *yay* but 180cm will be perfect (again, non-issue)

5) Soothing, pleasant voice

6) Big *ahem* would be nice (But seriously it’s non-issue for me)

Mental attributes:

1) Hygienic (Top of my list)

2) Non-aggressive (Somepeople feel it’s manly but seriously it’s tiring dealing with an impulsive, hot-headed person all the time, especially after a long day at work)

3) Moderate, non-traditionalist and open-minded (please don’t be some intense fanatic or overzealous religious/political/sports person)

4) WISE SENSE OF HUMOR (This is important because sometimes I take myself too seriously and I need someone to remind me how silly I am taking life so seriously. Also wise, because some people have a DARK sense of humor. Not my cup of tea)

5) Not some super arrogant, egoistic alpha who insist on his point of view. I mean, my dad has already filled that spot in my life, so... (Instead, he knows the meaning of respect, confidence, and decisiveness)

6) Not emotional or impulsive but not unromantic either (Which brings us to the next point)

7) A romantic at heart but not hopelessly romantic (it can get cheesy or cringy).

8) Not clingy or overly dependant on others but knows how to shower affection appropriately.

9) Wise and dependable when it really comes down to it.

I guess that’s it for now. I will update as time goes and look back at how my taste changes over time.

Till then, WISH THIS DESPERATE, DEMANDING, PATHETIC LOSER SOME ROMANTIC LUCK.

[observer-of-life-blog1]

Thanks, I needed the love.

Hey, stop scrolling.

Everyone who is reading this: I’m so glad you’re alive. I’m so proud of you. You are loved. I’m here. Don’t give up, we’re almost there.

Pass it on.

[observer-of-life-blog1]

Dear Universe or Life or Whatever Higher Power In Existence, This. This is all I ever wanted and asked for. This is all I ever need to be strong and live. Is it too much to ask? What have I ever done to NOT deserve experiencing this beauty and joy of receiving love from another soul that I love? All I ask for is to meet and be with my soul mate and I will find the strength to keep on living and face any hardships and obstacles the best I can. Why can’t I have this? Why? Please don’t give me “insert wise spiritual quotes here” answers.

This whole moment is amazing because Dean wasn’t expecting Sam to do Christmas but he still got Sam a present anyway. And the smile on Sammy’s face when he realizes that! It’s so genuine and happy. 

[observer-of-life-blog1]

Stay humble, no matter how much you changed for the better.  Stay kind, no matter how many people broke your heart.  And stay hopeful, no matter how many times you’ve been let down.

The Most Important Things in Life Are… (via letters-from-alex)