obsoletehumanity - Tumblr blog

[obsoletehumanity]

I know I have an enviable life. sitting here in a bedroom in Canary Wharf, hearing to the rain, whilst thinking I'll have covered and travelled to almost every European country before I turn 26. armed with a bachelor's degree, a master's from Oxford and yet another masters to come. I'm in a better position than most people are.

but this brain hates me so much. I hate myself so much. I hate myself for not having a body of a god; I hate myself for being so stupid for not getting things at first instance. I hate myself for procrastinating, for always being tired, for not being worthy enough of anyone's love. I hate myself for all the people who've betrayed me, left me, and ghosted me — people I call friends and more.

there are days I really feel like — who do I do this all for? why am I trying to work so hard, to the point I'm greying out? I just feel like no matter what I do, I'll always end up underappreciated and unloved. it almost feels like my destiny in life.

and yet the only way out of this quagmire is to dig myself deeper into things like work, just so I can numb myself from the emptiness within me.

[obsoletehumanity]

I wish he was just hugging me now, and running his fingers through my hair as I sob. Even though I know I'm unworthy of his love, maybe for now; maybe forever.

I'm always trying to be the stronger one, being all very stoic and arguably detached in the face of stuff. It's just the last few days have been hard. EMDR has been so hard. I hate myself. I don't think I'm inherently loveable.

Is there anyone that has had an interest in me who wouldn't just turn cold? I'm so tired of reciprocating interest only to be rejected. It hurts. It hurts. Even if I'm happy to be everyone's rebound.

I'm just so tired. And all I want is a break.

[obsoletehumanity]

my life is strange. I didn't have anything to do, and now I have too much to do! yay me!

hopefully I can survive the next three weeks, and my thesis supervisor is up my ass for something due in September. like ahhhhh, why?!

[obsoletehumanity]

we spend so much time reifying geniuses that the rest of us are made to feel small.

concurrently, we elevate idiots to positions they don't belong to... just because.

this world is strange. very strange.

[obsoletehumanity]

I wish I had grown up not being compared to other people. Now I can't stop subconsciously doing it, and it's really affecting me quite a lot.

What's my latest chip on the shoulder? Not publishing as an undergrad (or even, a masters student). I feel like I need to get something out there. * and a bunch of others have stuff out there and I'm just taking it as a sign I'm not good enough for them.

Ugh. this brain sucks. I really hate it. But I can't seem to find a way out.

[obsoletehumanity]

you can do this, M. one day at a time. one emotion at a time. you'll be fine.

[obsoletehumanity]

I'm genuinely so tired. I'm so tired of being stuck in this brain of mine that keeps telling me I'm not enough over and over again day in day out.

I've been worn out mentally so much. This pandemic has screwed me over in so many ways. The uncertainty. No seeing people. No travelling to get away from all of my thoughts. No having sex so that at least I can please someone else for a bit and run away from the constant thought about how useless I am. and I can't even sleep and sleep usually is one of the few ways I get a fast forward button towards morning.

I don't know how long I can do this for. I just want something or someone to occupy my mind, to make their lives better, to make something better. But it always seems like I'm never going to be enough no matter what I do. Can someone please help me? I'm so lost.

[obsoletehumanity]

Honestly, hate this world and this stupid freaking dissonance of mine. I see people who have worms for brains and need brains indented, people not doing the right thing (circuit healthcare-worker gays in PV in the middle of a pandemic, hello?), people who are genuinely suffering from the Dunning-Kruger effect (not even the Trumpists but even some of the Rhodes scholars), and here I am just... just being so unsure and doubting myself every step in the way.

It's like... living can be a freaking chore at times and I'm so so so tired just trying my best (and it's good enough) but not getting anywhere (so, not good enough?), and seeing people know no utter horseshite getting ahead. Life makes one jaded and I'm so done with it.

Maybe I should have been like * and took things that didn't give me fulfilment but bleh, money. Like doing law or something. At least you have money to escape even while life is dreary as hell. Hell, life IS hell. You live amongst people who want to make you pull your hair out and you just are stuck with that crap and gross incompetence till the day you die.

[obsoletehumanity]

my bloodwork always comes back fine (LDLs and HDLs are always amazing), but I don't think the day will ever come where I just go "ah my weight is fine".

(well not like the docs aren't going to make a comment about it, anyway...)

For a moment I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone.

[obsoletehumanity]

now playing: headlights by charlie cunningham

whew. it's 4:30am on the last day of 2020. I can't sleep. and somehow I've found myself back on Tumblr, posting on this, because I can't use Twitter as a scream sandbox anymore. too many of my tutors from undergrad and other people are following me. so here I am, heh.

the funny thing is that despite all this time, it feels like I only go in circles. yes, I'm doing much better at this life thing. I'm no longer a failure in an academic/Asian sense - if it's not enough being at Oxford for postgrad + getting first class honours for undergrad at Bristol... well, fuck me.

it is true that the things that I worry so much whilst I was in JC and letting down people and being castigated to the ash heap of history and people's lives have passed. it hasn't been that bad. in a way, I've proven myself. in some ways, I should totally give the middle fingers to all the teachers at Hwach who have wished to see me fail in one way or another. fuck you, to the one who wrote "why do you even bother doing physics" on my prelim exam script. fuck the teachers who still give me nightmares 7 years after I've left Hwach. to those who act faux-compassionate and went out to set up tuition centres, may karma find you.

but above all that I still feel like a bloody failure. I don't have a job lined up after graduation. I have so many things I still need to do (yes, I don't have abs and all; I can't master Dutch for nuts; my net worth is still... bleh. I don't have a student loan and my stocks have done pretty well so I do have somewhat more money that most of my peers at my age, but still...), and ultimately, I can't find the energy to love myself. I just can't get over the fact that I'll never be enough and that this is who I am - I will only be this ordinary person that will get casted out and sidelined by people even if I try my hardest and my very best, and for arbitrary reasons. I know this world is unfair. it always is, but it feels like I'm always working against it in some ways and for what?

and I feel like what I've been doing for the past 2.5-3 years has been trying to reconfirm that. I know I'm broken so I make myself even more damaged so that I prove that no one will ever want me or think I'm salvageable. having a bit too much sex for the last few years. when I can't count the number of nationalities I've screwed with both hands. when I've fucked someone on the three trips I've taken in 2020 before Covid happened; and 8 at Club Church just before I had to take a flight back. me at Club Church? 18 year old me would never think about it. ha. but here I am.

I remember the time good friend S was worried about me being on Grindr and everything. Maybe... he still should, but I don't ever want him to worry about me. I told him before that I don't gain much pleasure from it. I don't. but he doesn't know that at the end of the day I just want, for a split second, to feel accepted and "loved", and that's the thing that I gain from it. aaand this is ironic because my first hookup with a guy, Calvin Harris and Sam Smith's Promises played in his car just after we screwed and he wanted to bring me to somewhere where you could see the Clifton Suspension Bridge. and the entire meaning behind Promises is literally having someone for the night. but yeah. me, using sex and me being promiscuous as a way to just make myself broken, damaged, and unrepairable to the Asian gaze, so that I prove myself right. go me!

I know I'm incoherent. but I guess what I want to say is that all my life what I wanted is just to be accepted for who I am but it always feels so distant. And I seem to be actively self-sabotaging that by making myself for damaged. I don't seem to be good enough for anyone, and people have proven that to be true before. and maybe all I wish is someone to just like and love me despite all the damage that I am, how 'used' and filthy I am. this is stupid and idiotic, but I wonder if the shorter-than-me and smaller-than-me robotic surgeon in Melb did have his way and raped me, would it make much of a difference, given that I already feel so dirty as a being myself?

also - I don't think I'm even good enough for my friends... I really feel I'm just a huge burden on my life, and it is true, I am. will anyone remember me if I'm gone? maybe a few will... but that's it.

but I won't ever yeet myself because I lost a grandparent to suicide and I've seen first-hand how that stuff really screws people up. and I've been trying to make sure people don't go the same path. life is shite, but there will always be a glimmer of hope. and even if I can't see that myself sometimes, I just hope others do. in a way I feel like my life... is just about being there for others. is this ego death? I don't even feel like my life is really that important except having enough money to survive and not be emotionally abused or held hostage to the whims of my parents or to society at large. I'm not sure if I'm truly motivated by anything except 1) being financially independent (so that I don't have to deal with being held emotionally hostage), 2) care and concern for my friends and 3) just a huge desire to be accepted and loved.

as for 2020... I know people hate the year a lot, and I do too. but were it not for 2020, I don't think I can achieve this level of personal growth, and confirmation that I'm the only person that I can rely on for myself. I do have regrets though. I regret not having enough balls to yeet way more money into my two biggest holdings (which are up 10+ times as of today) when my hand hovered over the button, or loading more stocks in March, or buying more VIX options when I knew something was happening (I hated myself so much for this). Maybe if I did I could somehow (no, I WILL) have seven figures in the bank, lol. But hindsight is 20/20 and I still believe playing things somewhat conservative will save my ass time and time over again. Plus I'm only 24. I still have time.

I also regret having my progress on trying to love myself regress after the entire debacle with * last year. I regret not chilling down more often and instead being stuck in a purgatory of executive dysfunction + stressed not-doing-anything, all the time. But the year has been pretty okay bar the pandemic. At least - I've graduated and for what the degree is worth, I have a pathway to jobs. somehow. and I don't have to live in fear that I have had over the last 20+ years about being cut off by the family because of anything I've done or not done. and hopefully that position will get strengthened further once I'm done with Oggs.

what about 2021? I'm just going to focus on 1) strengthening my financial position (which translates to less emotional turmoil if ever induced on the family front), 2) getting a job (and hopefully staying in the UK/Europe), and 3) being a better friend to people; and 4) being a better person to people in general. 5) Survive and thrive, because 2020 had royally screwed my plans to, so they aren't going to get in my way for 2021.

it's 5:30am now. and I'm not sure if I wrote anything useful or readable for the last hour. I just really hate myself at times and I wish I could just be enough for my friends, if I'm not good enough for anyone else. I really fucking do care about all of them, and my two sisters. I just hope they know. I hope I've done enough and will continue to do enough and be enough for all of them.

-

is this how K felt when I read his posts and knew his inner thoughts? this isn't even going to my finsta, and never will. I just hope K's alright. I really hope he is. I'm not used to radio silence from him. and to the eyedealmentality dude I follow on here. hope you're well too Mikey, I haven't heard from you in years. and to the person I once loved and probably still will forever. I know I will never be the person you want, and that's okay. I don't think we were meant for each other, and that is fine. I just hope you are well too. stay safe, take care, and may your future be brighter than what you've expected in your wildest dreams.

[obsoletehumanity]

Honestly, no one has the right to 'sympathise' with fat people except those who are or were fat. You don't understand how it is to be like to be fat. It's the only form of discrimination that the media validates these days.

[obsoletehumanity]

When girls go out wearing tiny, tight, skimpy outfits, I mean they have the choice to wear something else. some thing less provocative, so really girls are asking for it.

If you’re out in public and I see you’re not wearing any protective headgear does that give me the right to smash in your skull with a hammer? I mean you asked for it, since you’re not wearing something to protect your head. 

[obsoletehumanity]

inescapable pain + regrets

10 followers. no one's going to read this and that's probably great.

wanted to cry so bad but i couldn't; a part of me couldn't control yet my mechanism decided that waking people up would be worse. i haven't cried in the longest of time - even the tumultuous sec 3 and 4 years ended with the lack of tears and getting horrendous (not really but as a geper it was) psle grades didn't entice me at all.

still, even after an entire melodrama over trying to tear and unable to let negativity out, i have to act as if i'm always fine. but if i don't persist in being happy and joyful and stuff, who will? everyone's sad and i can only try to aid them when and before they start breaking down. it isn't altruistic too - the people i care being sad will make me feel worse. if ash isn't happy or doesn't looks so I'd feel terrible the entire day. it's hard to tell her that but i don't dare to. keeping a smile isn't an easy task by any means. it isn't. it really isn't. smiles are created with sweat and tears. smiling and trying to be happy and maintain a facade hurts. it really hurts. it hurts really really bad. but i'm not going to spread my negativity even if i really feel terrible. must listen to shao jie. the most awesome captain and senior of all time. i must listen.

mayhaps what's great i guess is that i can't really feel pain anymore - pain's become my painkiller - numbing me. i'm definitely hollowed out, my soul eaten bit by bit. well, it's just a defensive mechanism after being hurt time after time and stabbed over and over again. weak; yes i am. that's the past though - to proof myself of further weakness is what my body and mind is doing.

maybe it was just eurovision being over and conchita winning - there's nothing left to look forward to. those eurovision talks with jaymi stops at that day where the common linnets had to make do with second place. the drug i have been so reliant on since sebalter won the swiss selection in december ran out. supplies are only coming back this december. that's a long half a year plus.

but it still seems that to be sub-human is better than being a vulnerable human.

though i profess, a part of me wants to be human - to make people more human. there are some people i personally feel really guilty about not being closer to and somehow i feel as if i take personal responsibility for their state of aloof-ness. gerald comes into mind definitely, cheryl and benedict too. maybe it was just me, it's because i'm a terrible friend/acquaintance/idioticbastard. i probably never will know. i can only atone by looking at a side wishing them well. i really hope the best for them. there are some friends you'll never get but you always wished the best for them. i guess that's how it feels.

yay for og outing on sat, and maybe hacas lunch too on the same day. i hope both of them really happen. because after having nice memories with the people i care for too (my og's super lovely and the hacas exco has been an almost-wonderful bunch) - i don't want to see people for the next month while i try to buffer myself from pain and get rid of the self-hate that's eating myself up.

[obsoletehumanity]

Amiina - Hilli

the real question is, will I ever get tired of this song

the answer is a resounding “no”

[obsoletehumanity]

My life is made up of ‘I’m sorry’. I feel like I have to apologize to people, to things, to life itself. It’s like, ‘I’m sorry to be here’. I don’t want to disturb anyone.

Yohji Yamamoto (via iamcharliesangel)

[obsoletehumanity]

Lucid Stead | Phillip K. Smith III | Via

Phillip K. Smith III, an American artist based in Indio, California, has recently completed a stunning light installation in the middle of the California High Desert, near the small town of Joshua Tree. Titled ”Lucid Stead,” the work is actually an artistic intervention on a 70-year-old abandoned homesteader shack that plays with the concepts of light and shadow, reflection, projection and change.

[obsoletehumanity]