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[ocaelo]

I grew up being terrified to fall asleep. “Que duermas bien (sleep well) more” (short for amore) my mom would say, as she would close the door to our shared bedroom. I’ll pray in English tonight, and not in Spanish, I thought as I would feel fear creep up my spine.

Ghislaine Leon, founder of Fearless Leon, talks about facing a life-altering disorder with strength and grace. 

[ocaelo]

FEAR(LESS)?

Before closing out what has been a heartbreaking, educational and powerful series, I’ve decided to share my own response to the question of why I am not afraid of the police. 

As a journalist, I have to remain objective. As a matter of professional ethics, I cannot, and refuse to, be afraid of the police.

I don’t want to paint them with a biased brush, because it is impossible that all police officers are bad or, even, that they are all trustworthy. 

That being said, I can speak on my own experiences. 

The encounters I’ve had with police have been mixed.

I was given a breathalyzer on my way home from work one weeknight. It was almost midnight, I was exiting the highway near my apartment and I passed with a score of 0.01, I believe. After I passed, I was told that it was a routine checkpoint and assumed that was why I saw another car stopped on the side of the road. 

During our conversation the officer asked me where I lived twice, where I worked twice and the second time I responded— I worked for a television station— he said he couldn’t believe it. I “look[ed] like a model.” 

He continued to talk to me as I got in my car and put on my seat belt. 

I wasn’t scared. I was wildly uncomfortable, but I wasn’t scared. I smiled like I smile at the airport, at the DMV. I smiled because I know who I am, and what I look like — "friendly." I know that the idea of not judging a book by its cover is mostly a myth because I know I am a much bigger asshole than I appear to be and I am constantly given the benefit of the doubt. 

I would’ve ignored a man on the street, perhaps even insulted him, but I had to speak to the officer, even if I didn’t want to, and I was, hopefully, in the blessed position to be able to smile my way out of it. 

I’ve encountered police officers who’ve ticketed me illegally and those who tried to help me get out of the tickets they wrote. I’ve encountered lazy cops, compassionate ones, been asked to roll my window down to flirt, had interview questions ignored by them, been followed for blocks and blocks in the middle of the night. 

It hasn’t been all good and it hasn’t been all bad. Readers can infer what they’d like from my story, and hopefully learn a lot more from the stories of others who responded to the question.

                                                                                                   - Celeste

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"Domestic violence is 2 to 4 times more common in police families than in the general population. In two separate studies, 40% of police officers self-report that they have used violence against their domestic partners within the last year. In the general population, it’s estimated that domestic violence occurs in about 10% of families." One of the more compelling reasons for the lack of trust: 

http://www.purpleberets.org/violence_police_families.html”

- Rachel, 27, NYC

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"At face value, I’d say I’m not afraid of the police. I’ve never had a real, confrontational experience with the boys in blue. That said, I’d still shy away from making any real eye contact for fear of being questioned for no reason other than "staring too hard." In light of recent events, it seems that not much more than this is needed for an altercation, so uh… yeah. I’m fearful to a degree." - Aaron, NYC 

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"I’m afraid of police who abuse their authority, and act out in violence, instead of using their authority to reinforce peace. Police brutality remains a problem and recent acts prove that there are a lot of cowardly police who are also afraid." - Alicia, 27, Brooklyn, NY 

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"I'm scared of them for the same reason you're afraid of the bullied kid in school cause you never know what they might do to be seen, to have that 10 o'clock spot on the news.

I'm afraid of them cause you can never trust someone who doesn't trust you.

I'm afraid of them for the same reason your mother doesn't want you growing up playing with toy guns... 'cause you'll eventually get comfortable, and cops and robbers along with cowboys and Indians become cool, it's fun and it's now your reality and something you live to do... Catch the bad guy.

But if you decide that all bad guys are from the eastside is that not a road to genocide? Im scared because... They're ignorant!

And God blesses the babies and fools but there's no sympathy if that's a deliberate choice to pull a trigger, 'cause I don't look like you or I DO look just like what a thug is supposed to?

I'm afraid cause even the simplicity of their uniform choice lacks the truth. They're the boys in blue which symbolizes peace, one-on-one communication yet that's never present when they come through. Why does it take 3 cars to traffic stop you?

Scared cause my house was underwater and my baby needed food so I needed to loot and they saw fit to shoot.

Scared 'cause my brother was dragged out of a barber shop, harassed and verbally abused 'cause, "We were looking for someone who fit the description of you."

Scared 'cause a few weeks back I missed my court date, you stop me on today and I get treated like I'm an enemy of a state in which I faithfully pay taxes. I'm sacred because of their presence, because they're never present. Forever maleficent and we're doomed..." - Taryn, New Orleans, LA

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"I am afraid of the cops because we live in a world where one can be black, unarmed and innocent and be targeted and shot with excessive force, but be white and guilty and get passed by. Cops mentally incapable of diffusing basic situations without firearms should not be patrolling the streets. They’re just Zimmermans who slipped through the cracks of the police academy." - Kalila, 24, Brooklyn, NY

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"When it comes to the police, I am most afraid of what they are capable of doing to me, whether I deserve it or not. They have the power to act upon their own beliefs with complete disregard to the rights of civilians, as well as the law.

My voice is looked at as a weapon by the police, rather than a form of self-expression. Using my voice as a form of agency has been enough for multiple officers to body slam me to the concrete and hit me with a baton. So, I fear their power, I question who and what they protect day by day, and do not feel safe when they are around.” - Michelle, 21, Long Island, New York

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"A couple months ago, I was coming from an art/fashion pop-up street market in the heart of downtown LA, only blocks from skid row. The event ended shortly after midnight, and I proceeded to walk to my car to head home. 

Seconds after I drove off, a young black woman runs from a dark alley and jumps just feet from my car, completely naked. I was shook.

I pulled over to another street where I thought it was safe and called the police. The operator asked me a number of questions: what was her ethnicity, was she screaming, was she still in the street?

I answered as best I could, still shaking myself and asked if they could hurry and bring a police car to check on her. The operator tells me, “How about you go back and see if she’s still there? I’ll stay on the phone with you.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

Not only are you not sending an officer to check on a woman who could have been a rape victim or God knows what else. Now you are willing to put me, a single female, directly in harm’s way.

I thought your job was to protect and serve.” - Jessica, 27, 

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"I personally am not scared of cops. I am, however, aware of their ability to impede on citizens’ rights without consequence. And that is scary!"

- Patrick, 24, New Orleans, LA (Patrick also wanted to be identified as a 6ft, 2in black male.) 

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 ”I wouldn’t say I’m exactly afraid of the police, I would say I consistently question their intentions. I would say that I realize their abuse of power.

I acknowledge the fact that when it comes down to it, no matter how smart I am, no matter how well mannered I am, no matter how compliant I maybe, no matter how economically stable I become, I will always be a target because I can never be enough of these things to escape my Blackness.

The innate criminality, sexuality, and hatefulness associated with being nonwhite is what scares me.” - L.A., 27, Brooklyn, NY

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"I am mixed on this. I fear no person in this world because we are all human beings. Growing up in the Bronx I’ve experienced harassment by police for absolutely no reason.

With this being said, I do experience a little bit of fear when there are groups of police officers, because, in my eyes, they appear to be nothing but another gang at that point.

The way law enforcement has been abusing their power, both in front of me and across the nation, has left me with a feeling that I cannot trust those who are sworn to “protect” me and with that comes a reasonable sense of fear that my life, or body, could be in jeopardy when dealing with these busters.” - Hector, 28, Bronx, NY

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“History proves that the police have never been on the side of African Americans.

So as a black male in America I am very cautious towards police. Unfortunately we in the urban community see them as an adversary and not a protector.

So I am “afraid” of the police for these reasons. Black males are stuffed in one category and it normally fits the profile of a set of young people in our hoods committing crimes, many of which have psychological conditions instilled through our historical/economical hardships. We are talking about kids in poverty, many of which just searching for a way out.

Many of whom have parents who fell in the drug epidemics and whose elders’ spirits’ were broken by the civil rights and post-civil rights government wipe-out.

The authorities handle us all the same. I’ve been stopped and frisked since I was 14 years old and never once have I had a weapon or drugs on me.

I don’t have a criminal record at all.

I was physically assaulted last year by 3 detectives because I understood my rights and asked them to uphold theirs.

In my heart, I only see one answer. I see a need for more black Americans to become officers and patrol the very streets they come from.

That will rid us of the idea that white officers are in fear for their lives so they shoot first, ask questions later. The image in my head is that they ride in patrol cars, carry guns by day, and attend rallies with burning crosses and white sheets at night.” - Rashid, Staten Island, NY

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"After all the heinous acts that those hired to "protect and serve" have committed in my community, my feelings towards the police aren’t necessarily those of fear.

I’m not scared of them. I’m irritated and disgusted with them.

They are the enemy to me. I don’t trust them with my safety or my life.

Which means that it’s all up to me to educate myself and be aware and cautious so as to never wind up in a compromising situation that would require me to dial 911.

It’s sad that it’s come to this, but I would call so many people before resorting to that option.

911 isn’t the solution to distress; it’s the cause of it.” - Stacy-Ann, 24, New York

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“The answer is complex and should be from anyone. I am afraid of the police simply due to the fact that there is no telling what they will do.

That’s speaking in the most general terms. 

More specifically I find that the police are more involved with pretty crimes because it keeps them safe. They troll the subway for people not paying fares but avoid neighborhoods like Brownsville.

That’s just bad use of resources.

But I will say most candidly that I acknowledge the good fortune I’ve been given being born white in the world we’re living.

And because of that, I am always very conscious of how ignored (for lack of a better word) I am by the police in situations where I should be the main suspect.”

- Greg, 27, NYC

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“They abuse their power. And they treat everyone like criminals even if you did nothing wrong.” - Anonymous

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“I wouldn’t say that I’m necessarily afraid of the cops, but I feel like I don’t have the leeway to be anything besides on-point when I am near them.

Growing up, hearing stories about police brutality like Abnee Louima and Rodney King, it made me feel like of course there are good cops out there, but there are also horrible ones and it is impossible to differentiate.” - Kwaku, 25, Queens, NY

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"The times police have been involved in my life they have been there to help, thankfully. But, growing up, I was not oblivious, to police brutality. I remember hearing about Diallo and Sean bell, Antony Baez.

These are names of people that stay in my head after all these years and all these men have two things in common— they are men of color and have dealt with police brutality.

I have not lost complete faith in the police, because I do have relatives on the force, but these latest incidents have made me question this. - Anonymous

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"I submit it’s difficult to confess to a fear of uniform but, I cannot deny the apprehensive reflex felt when walking or driving by a police car, or in a white uniformed officer’s presence.

Having studied the psychological heuristics of latent and subjective fear triggers, I understand that my knowledge of arbitrary and capricious exercise of police power throughout history cannot be unlearned.

It’s also my emotional connection with Black life in America, now, and  during the Jim Crow era of yesterday which raises my heart rate uncontrollably in a white police officer’s presence.

The fact remains we as a nation have had more segregated days than desegregated days. Therefore spillover racial bias is in all of us, whether conscious or subconscious.

I cannot concede that I fear the police, but I cannot deny it either.” - David, 27, Washington, DC

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“I’ve never been scared of the police. But, in the past two years, between Oscar Grant, Trayvon Martin, Eric Garner and Mike Brown, things have changed.

I’m not necessarily “scared” of the police but I am scared of what they can do. I’m not going to do the simple thing and label them all as bad cops. White people have been doing that to us for years, so I won’t. I’m going to be better than them, because I AM better than them. I’m the bigger person. I’m the bigger man.

But at the age of 30, I’ve never been arrested and two distinguished degrees…I now know that none of that matters.

I’m still a target and maybe always will be.” - Anonymous Journalist, Indiana

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"Anyone with any form of power can abuse it. Even the security guard at Macy’s. Though almost insignificant in comparison to the larger scale of malfeasance, it happens daily and may often go unnoticed.

As a resident of the city of New York, police brutality and abuse of authority has been a topic that is very hard to overlook.

Although these individuals with “power” have chosen to protect and serve in a less than humane way, I have a strong feeling of internal righteousness that overshadows any acts of cowardice from certain public officials/servants.

It has been ingrained in my being that we, like any group of targeted people, have the willpower to rise above ignorance and make for a brighter future.

I have an extreme amount of faith that with the current state of our nation and the strength of our people, we will initiate that change that is destined to come.

We will create courage based off of the need for change and eliminate the feeling of fear.” - Marlene, 28, Harlem, NY

[ocaelo]

Lauryn Hill's Tribute to Michael Brown: "An old sketch of Black Rage, done in my living room. Strange, the course of things. Peace for MO." - MLH Lyrics: http://mslaurynhill.com/post/95329923112/black-rage-sketch

[ocaelo]

I had never really thought about being afraid of the police. I was always afraid of going to jail (not constantly afraid, but I knew it was something I wanted no part of) so I guess it would be understandable for me to be afraid of the cops, who are the ones who could put me in jail. However, it really only made me dislike the police. The feelings I felt around them were not ones of fear, is what I'm saying, you know? I felt like, "Oh jeeze. Here come these losers." And maybe that's because I don't really give police a reason to interact with me. Not saying that who I am and what I look like isn't reason enough, but I can deal with that. In any case, that's how I feel.

Jamal, 21, St. Louis, MO

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I believe that trust is something that is developed over time between two individuals. I don't trust any strangers. I do feel that an entire occupation is having to carry the burden of what a number of bad seeds have created. People (in general) are unpredictable. There are good and bad in most organizations. Hot tempered and cool heads, as well. It becomes more of an issue with cops because they are armed with deadly weapons. If you put a gun in the hand of a hot-headed teacher, I fear we would see much of the same. Better psychological screening should be done before and during the academy. As a mother of two African American boys, my advice to them is to keep a cool head when confronted by a cop, and treat them with the utmost respect. I would rather pick them up from jail alive, and fight the battle with legal aid, than plan a funeral.

Cecily, New Orleans, LA 

[ocaelo]

I was once walking home around midnight up North Capitol St. in DC when a cop car pulls up to me and the officer inside asks, "Young man, where are you headed tonight?"

I told him the nearest intersection to my house.

Looking as if to be debating something, the officer responds "Be careful around here. Have your wits about you."

The interaction ended. I was asked no further questions, he never left his vehicle.I am not afraid of the police because, based on the color of my skin, they assume I am the victim of crime and not the cause of it. I would wish that all people had similar interactions such as mine, but unfortunately they are products of privilege that my black friends do not have.We all deserve to be treated as innocent until proven guilty, not just those who look like me.

- Ryan, 28, Washington, DC

[ocaelo]

THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE HAS RAISED MORE THAN $13 MILLION — MEANWHILE, MEDICAL RESEARCH HAS BEEN CUT BY BILLIONS

Bill Gates, Lebron James, and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker don’t ostensibly have much in common. But they’ve all recently poured buckets of ice on their head in support of ALS research. Yes, members of this motley crew — alongside hundreds of your Facebook friends — have posted viral videos of themselves shivering gleefully in order to raise money for a good cause. 

For more on the ice bucket challenge read the full story here.

[ocaelo]

I AM NOT AFRAID…..because the police are humans, just like we all are, and WHO they are afraid of determines WHO they attack.

Ernest, 26, New Orleans, LA

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I’m afraid of the police because my little brother is black with dreds, and I’m afraid of him being in the wrong place at the wrong time. My brother is intelligent and insightful and inquisitive. He is a gentleman and a lover of all people. He could probably “change the world with his hands behind his back.” But being being who he is, none of that may even matter and that’s what I’m afraid of.

Anonymous

[ocaelo]

I do not know whether or not I am afraid of the police, exactly. I grew up with a single-parent law enforcement officer whose friends were all within the same field, in some capacity.

Have I seen the police do things that are wrong? Absolutely! Do I believe that time and place should be taken into account with the question? Of course!

As a young black female, I have been harassed by officers both black and white, male and female. The chances of a cop harassing me when I am alone in my neighborhood in Brooklyn are slim to none. The chances of the same cop being unnecessarily aggressive when I am somewhere more populated by minorities and if I am with a male are far greater. I do not know why, but I could take a guess.

Nonetheless, am I afraid of cops in a rural neighborhood when I am alone? No. I can be afraid of cops in a more city-like setting when I am with black men however. Are we supposed to fear those who have been hired to serve and to protect us?

- Adelia, 27, Brooklyn, NY

[ocaelo]

My first experience with a cop: One day, on my way to school, a cop slowly drove down my block, keeping up with my pace. I was alone and there was no one else around. (My school was only two blocks away.) He waved at me as I walked and asked me if I wanted to come into his car, much like the creeps that cat call women. I immediately sensed that his intentions weren't good and sped up to get away from him as he stayed behind and laughed with his partner who had been on the passenger's side. I was in third grade. I don't trust them. In my neighborhood, I grew up with the sense that cops aren't really there when you need them. Rather, they spend their time harassing civilians.

Vanessa, 27, NYC 

[ocaelo]

Are you afraid?

It is undeniable.

This has been a particularly bloody summer for people of color living in the United States. Communities across the country are mourning police-involved deaths from Eric Garner to John Crawford to, most recently, teenager Michael Brown. Brown was a young man who likely would've been purchasing books or pulling closed the zippers on his last duffle bags if he were still alive, because he was set to start at local Vatterott College. 

Eyewitness, Dorian Johnson, claims that in his final seconds, Brown put his hands up, pleading with his arresting officer not to shoot him. Johnson describes palpable fear, from a harmless young man. 

Some say officers are dealing with potentially dangerous individuals, in neighborhoods with heightened rates of violent crimes. This is a tragedy, many acknowledge that, but they say that officers are afraid, and with good reason.  

Each of these incidents has this general issue at the center of it: the right to fear.

Who is afraid? Who is justified in being afraid? Once that is determined, legitimate blame becomes increasingly easy to assign. 

But those questions are nearly impossible to answer. 

So, we asked people in metropolitan cities across the country to tell us how they felt about the police. 

The answers paint a grim, albeit realistic, picture of our country, a violent summer and the fractured relationship between American citizens and those employed as their authority. 

[ocaelo]

FIFA World Cup™ fans know this emotional see-saw ride all too well. Brought to you by Team Hyundai. [created by alexlikesdesign] #BecauseFutbol

[ocaelo]

Maya

by Maya Baxter 

Today I celebrate the life of an amazing woman who will never know the impact she's had on my life.

On September 30, 1982 my parents named me Maya, after my father's favorite poet Maya Angelou. I grew up listening to my father tell me about how moved he'd been seeing her speak in Boston, Mass. when he was a young man. He'd share his favorite pieces, tell me the same stories over and over. (He still does. Lol.) 

And I would jump at every opportunity to explore her body of work or her life, whether it was for a school project, essay, research paper or during one of our weekly trips to the library. It wasn't until I read my favorite piece, "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings," that I truly felt the power of her words and her life.

I realized that my name had a much greater meaning.

I went to college and studied English. I wanted so much to be a part of her world. I read, and read...and read. (Lol.) I wrote my little heart out, filling up notebooks with my own poetry. In 2004, I had the pleasure of hearing her speak at my alma mater. I couldn't believe that I stood only feet away from this "phenomenal woman"!

I hung on every word, every syllable, every consonant and vowel that left her lips. I savored each sound as though it would be my last taste. And to my dismay, it would be the last time I would see or hear her speak. But I am beyond grateful for that moment as I'll always have it with me.

Her work, her purpose, her love expressed her joy in seeing everyone--despite race, creed, religion, origin-- live FREELY. I love my name.

"Maya" - the power by which the universe becomes manifest; the illusion or appearance of the phenomenal world.

May her beautiful soul rest in the most blissful, serene, peace.

"Instead, pursue the things you love doing, and then do them so well that people can't take their eyes off you."                                                                                         - Maya Angelou

[ocaelo]

'I just wanna fuck, be friends and live comfortably...'

Can friendships with benefits really work?? 

If you’re lucky, you’re f*cking someone you adore. You’re in a committed and monogamous relationship with this person and you can see marriage in the near or distant future. But if you’re not “lucky” right now — if you haven’t drunkenly stumbled, or gracefully sashayed into “the one” yet (and I say that with just the slightest snicker), you may be f*cking one of your friends.

The friend-with-benefits is becoming a common (non)romantic situationship and I would argue, it is its own strange, off-brand of auspicious.

As emotionally risky as consistently sleeping with someone you are blatantly disconnected from can be, 20 and 30-somethings are taking this plunge daily, weekly, and monthly in order to fulfill basic sexual desires.

How could a potentially hazardous but sexually fulfilling situationship with a person you kinda-like in a platonic way ever, ever, everrrr be a good thing?

Well, one of several young professionals I spoke to actually said doing a friend helped her maintain a healthy, hormonal balance. And experts say this is a scientifically-proven reality. Safe sex releases hormones, adrenaline and is a good form of exercise.

It increases self-esteem!

…And, apparently, we’re not mature enough to be celibate and wait for a soulmate to come along the way our parents and grandparents did.

Even though we are more interested in achieving personal and career goals before settling down then they were, five and ten years of jump-offs can add up if you’re sharply opposed to long-term celibacy the way our generation seems to be.

That being said, the “situationship” is not only a reality but a commodity.

Proof of this is in the conversations taking place on boozy Scandal  Thursdays and in shoe-shopping marathons, after bar crawls during March Madness, and Sunday afternoons at the gym.

I’ve had my share of conversations with friends about how finding one of these fellas is more of a challenge than finding a mate. And while that may be a gross exaggeration, cut buddy falls right beneath boyfriend in my book.

A successful f*ck-around– according to the singles, and semi-singles, I spoke to– has to be consistent, considerate, reasonably attractive, reasonably good in bed, trustworthy, interesting, reliable, a friend but someone who doesn’t like you enough to become attached and who you don’t like enough to become attached.

The heart of the success of the friendship-with-benefits is precariously balanced between these platonic emotions and satisfaction with the overall situation. The minute one of those things goes awry, it’s over.

It’s really f*cking easy for all this fun to turn into a devastating and dirty breakup– just like a real relationship– as soon as natural, but unreciprocated feelings start to bubble up.

For an anonymous 27-year-old journalist, the relationship became a ping pong match of unrequited feelings. A young accountant from NYC’s situationship ended with a bottle-throwing blowup.

Often, drama like this is an occupational hazard–everyone has experienced some version of these stories. Situation-shattering conflict is often unavoidable, regardless of the spoken, or unspoken, rules of the relationship.

Successful friendships-with-benefits, do, in fact, require a level of compassion. You really have to be good friends, for it to work, while simultaneously being so starkly different that it would never work, for real. You have to be able to sit down at IHOP with her after a long night and enjoy her company enough to share a meal, but not a memory. And that’s an almost impossible dynamic to hold on to for any length of time.

After a year of weekly breakfasts, or seven months of scheduled Saturday night booty calls, somebody is almost guaranteed to get attached.

And though Black Hollywood, Steve Harvey and an assortment of other sexperts may try to propagate the load that it’s emotional women who find themselves yearning for men who don’t yearn for them, I know from being on the other side of this conundrum, that’s not the truth.

The same man I interviewed whose situationship made a tearful exit after chucking a bottle at him said that despite an overall disinterest in affection from a cut buddy, (his exact description was that it would make him feel “annoyed” and “guilty”) he would get into a committed relationship with the right woman.

Others I interviewed were either committed and unwed, open to, or seeking monogamy.

Neither women nor men would turn real love away, even if they were busy knocking boots with a long-term friend.

At least to me, it seems that aside from actually being friends, friends-with-benefits have to be content with the situation. In the relationships that were most successful– the longest of my interviewees’ lasted for nearly a decade– both parties had to be content with the situation.

But how is that possible, when the very basis for a friendship-with-benefits is unhappiness?

How can we maintain successful situationships when we are each so painfully aware we’d rather be doing the real thing with someone else?

…And when there are a slew of unpleasant emotions– like deal-shattering attachment, jealousy, anger and unfulfillment– is it worth it to keep doing this to each other?

I guess I’ll know for sure when it stops working for me.

- Celeste 

[ocaelo]

via cnn.com: Malaysian Airlines Flight 370

In tragedy, we are all the same.