occasionallygrey
occasionallygrey
all of the above
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occasionally known as hyebiany pronouns // 한-EN
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occasionallygrey · 23 days ago
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an ode to a queer friendship
which i would call homoerotic, but she had a girlfriend at the time and i don't think any of it was really romantic; but the friendship loss somehow still is grieved all the same
i wonder if she ever thinks about our old friendship and wonders if we could go back? now i basically hate her and that's. so interesting. because back then she laughed at my jokes and we complained about people who wouldn't stop talking and drew on the same notepad and sat in the hotel hallway until midnight waiting for our room to be ready. we played before your eyes together on your phone and i almost sobbed at the end and there's some things that bond people together and one of them is a sad indie game you play in one sitting
we laughed at everyone who thought he had a girlfriend to go to the dance with, because we knew he was gay. queer recognize queer. we were kind of rocky but dealt with it. i was at my lowest but i still had fun. i wish i could have been strong enough to apologize in person and talk to you directly, i'm sorry i suck at socializing and was probably the reason for it all anyways
we had grown so close in the beginning of the school year and somehow it just. disappeared. and i tried multiple times in indirect ways to apologize for it being my fault and i don't know where it went wrong and sometimes i wish we were still friends and we still talked and you still commented on my instagram posts and liked my stories and dmed me about random shit and i made fun of you for being gay which was ironic coming from me and i knew your style and helped you bargain and i brought the matching plushes to our trip although you forgot it and i know you hate me but i hate you too but not really because i really just want us to be friends again and laugh like we used to i still have pictures of you from years ago in my camera roll i never really deleted and your pictures are the cover of some of my playlists from when we were closer and i still follow you on spotify and see what you're up to and i wish you the best and our friend groups are intertwined but we don't talk when we don't have to and i get mad and hurt easily
you were lowkey my role model and good at everything and i know you carried a lot of burden on your shoulders and was insecure about being so extroverted but you were everything i wanted to be and i hope you dont fear that anymore i hope you dont care about what other people think of you i hope you come to peace with yourself and never stop being who you are despite it all you still wear the jacket i picked out for you cuz it does suit you and i hope you are happy and think about me sometimes
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occasionallygrey · 2 months ago
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(the burden of) loss, love, and moving on
almost a part 2 of my previous rant about an itfs fic but this time its about given and its commentary on loss and love and moving on
first draft title: moving on, self-expression, and homosexuality: given in a nutshell OR: i cried so fucking hard at this anime, probably because im hormonal and gay
okay. so im not even going to try to sound remotely intelligent in this one because its basiclaly a brain dump
starting off with the short poem i wrote after crying to ue/yuki's song to mafuyu:
I dreamed about you again last night But this time I didn’t cry; You encouraged me to move on  While you stayed there. 
I’ll scream at the top of my lungs So you can hear me from afar. 
Inspired by Given, Mafuyu and Yuki (lol)
(yes i will cringe to this in a week, yes it is literally recapping the events, do i care, not really)
i think this hits especially hard after yk, graduating high school. mafuyu's turmoil about moving on is so fucking real and unfortunately a little bit too close to home for me. well in this case his struggle to move on is also due to yuki and comign to terms with loss, but its all the same really. fear of moving on. the fact that theres too much weight in each of our choices and we cant ever go back. mafuyu my son (we are the same age) you are so incredibly real.
oh. also the parallels of mafu/ue and mafu/yuki in the beginingn and end are so making me so fuckign ill. "you'll forget this" but he didnt, the memory lives on. and the footprints may have washed away but his memory still remains. in the music, i guess. (these animes about art just fucking end it all for me.) but hes making new memories now. like honeslty as a chronically insane jealous person ue is strong as hell bc i would be kinda sad knwoing that you did the same with your previous boyfriend. but holy FUCKING hell, its about moving on. its so significant because FINALLY, mafuyu is able to come to terms with yuki's loss. yes he kind of moved on but he hadnt really, not until this final movie to the sea. god i cried during the song the interpolation(?) of the other lalalalalala song that yuki always sang tears my heart fucking out. but its the same beach. same weather. same waves but the footprints are gone because he's finally moving on. GOD. GOD!!!! someone kill me.
oh also the sex comment. ik thats significant to some point but i dont really know why he said that. yes it is paralleling yuki but i cannot fathom why its significant. OH but i will tell you this. when yuki first said that in the anime series i cried. so fuckign hard. like that was supposed to be a gag line but i started sobbing. heres my live notes after watchign:
Bro said lets have sex in the bathroom and i laughed and then i started crying for what?? lMFAOOOO anyways Its that gay people find small moments of solace in wherever they can like um that hozier song something greater sin than when im with you Holy FUCKING shit oh only heaven ikll be sent to is when im alone with you Its that even as children they have to hide  Damn im thinking about how uenoyama was like thinking it was wrong and hes like. Hes just a kid. Dude. im gonna kill msyelf
theres also that special thing that hits home which is loss. and dammit i havent really lost anyone like that have i? but i mean as ive said before there is loss with life with people that come and go. loving and losing is what makes it living.
yuki's suicide was NOT selfish, i'll tell you that much. maybe I am selfish, but he was not. he was struggling. did his death impact many other people and leave them with grief? yes. is he responsible for that? yes. but how can you claim suicide is selfish when its selfish of YOU to convince them to stay alive???
anyways thats a tangent. one of the main things i wanted to talk about was uenoyama and his role in helping mafuyu heal. yes i am incredibly glad he is there for him and so loving and caring (and god i wish i could find a girlfriend like that) but. alas. thats not what this is about.
i feel bad, but internally i was screaming at mafuyu during the third movie. like yes, i understand him. a little too much for my liking. i understand not wanting to move forward and being scared of the unchangable future. but i also understand uenoyama. to my understanding, ue was mafuyu's pillar. and to me it sucked that he coudlnt do the same. like a support triangle, except not really cuz they should support each other while also being able to stand on their own. again though, this is me projecting. i acknowledge that.
when mafuyu eventually gets closure though, its beautiful. im so glad ue was able to do that for him. ohmygod and that proposal scene was so cute. sighs deeply. mafuyu is finally able to part with yuki. he understands now that moving on doesnt mean abandoning yuki but rather leaving him behind. somethign he can always come back to i guess, but doesnt need to. not anymore.
old love, new love, i could never understand ts coming from someone with zero relationship experience but i can imagine its hard to move on. i think if i get a gf and fall in love and then break up and watch this i'll cry SO much harder. lol. lol. revisit this in a couple years, future me. was i right?
what was it? "the love was still there." or the love IS still there. mafuyu's love for yuki is still there but its not like. the same anymore. yk? he loves uenoyama now. and theyre so cute. and theres enough love to go around.
i kinda abandoned writing more bc i (1) forgot what i was gonna say and (2) got distracted looking at the hidden inventory movie pictures of stsg as kids and almost cried. we NEED to kill toji.
anyways. happy pride. every thing i see is making me miserable about gay people so its not very happy, but we should celebrate anyways. im gonna watch stranger by the shore next and bawl my eyes out too.
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occasionallygrey · 3 months ago
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mourning highschool: a self reflection
read as: ranting about nostalgia and graduation (again) like i don't have an ib exam tomorrow
a message i sent to my friend:
why does nobody have an essay on mourning high school im trying to read something profound and resonating
?????? is no one else like. wow all the media I’ve watched throughout my entire life tends to center around glorifying high school and focusing on high school life and is made to be this huge ideal part of you that is also integral and the most fun and now im graduating and the media i see so commonly will no longer resonate with me because i am old and time is unforgiving. and i no longer have the capacity to dream about high school and what could have been because i am graduating and for some reason a vast majority of media focuses on high school (a measly four years of life) as opposed to the adult world and makes me scared and terrified to move on to a new chapter when no one is glorifying it in a way that makes it exciting to grow up
and its just like. in my years of living, it feels like everything i've ever known only ever talks about high school. the countless disney channel shows, the hundreds of YA novels i read in elementary, the anime settings, the GL settings, everything and anything seems to all take place in high school. and now that my four years are up, i feel as though i've missed out. there's no more "what ifs" for me to dream about that might happen, no high school romance, prom, sneaking out fantasies that i can possibly indulge in. my time is up, it seems, and dramatic as it is, i don't necessarily think this thinking is just me. i think a lot of adults probably mourn high school, which is why so much is set during that time. hell, it's only four years of your life, but somehow 70% of the setting for all media ever.
i've been so excited to graduate, but i'm also becoming scared. it feels like there is nothing to be excited for in the future. there's no what-ifs for me to imagine, no possible scenarios for romance, no "prime years of life" type of idealization that i can seek out. as an adult, you don't have the freedom for trial and error, it seems. obviously its going to happen---but not as freely as i would like, or as anyone would like.
my whole life, i've read, watched, and heard about how fun high school should be. i should be having groups of friends hanging out every weekend. i should be sneaking out late at night and making unforgettable memories. i should be, supposedly, living life to the fullest. but it feels as though i didn't, and now there no longer any "do it later," because later is now and now is ending.
here is where i kind of start going on a tangent (i.e. i forgot what i wanted to say, so i'm just yapping):
it feels like becoming an adult limits what you can do---especially as i see online, people reliving their past often end up jealous of the current youth. i'm already kind of jealous of the current youth.
as i grow older, i also become more afraid of my fading imagination. i can no longer think as freely as i used to---those simply "complete the drawing" prompts leave me with only the simplest ideas. and it hurts to know i'm getting old, that aging comes with both good and bad, and grief, and loss, and change. how we all hate change.
well. change is inevitable. i'll come back to this in a year or so.
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occasionallygrey · 5 months ago
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grief, time loops, and high school love
another brain dump (at a particularly bad time for my own academics) about imagine being loved by me by katerpillar on ao3
i suffer from extreme short term memory loss for whatever reason, but i digress. my main thing was about time loops and just the nature of it all. i think it really like spoke to me in that i love the game 12 minutes (or 11 minutes?) in which you as a husband have to keep going back over and over and over again until you can save your wife somehow. god i love that game. played it for hours and then dropped it because i did not know how to proceed. i love time loops. i love time loops for love, specifically. where you die over and over and over again and deal with grief and loss and butterfly effects but you still choose that person. again and again.
i already forgot what i was gonna say. damn! this is what i get for losing so many hours of sleep to read fanfiction. this fic was like the trolley problem in jjk; save everyone but megumi, save no one but megumi. and yuuji chose megumi. he endured loss, over and over again---loss of his grandfather, loss of megumi, but not once did it shake his resolve. even when megumi died in that one timeline. he didnt give up---he just wanted to try again. i was screaming at him from behind the screen because damn, is he stupid---but isnt everyone? something, something, what is love if not a bunch of silly mistakes done together? (corny as hell but whatever)
ugh. this brings me back to my yearning for highschool love. which, instead of trying to find for myself, im here writing on a tumblr blog to no one but myself, reading fanfiction about two idiots who i love so much. i cant say it was time wasted though. damn! every time i read something so earth shatteringly beautiful like this i just cant help but remember how much i love writing. i love reading. i love literature, i love authors. i love every aspect of it so much. and i remember why i want to write, and then i realize i cant, because i have this massive essay looming over my head that was supposed to be started about 8 hours ago but still has been left untouched since then!
ooh. this one also combined some of my favorites. parallel universe of what could have been. time loops! (messy---reminds me of da capo al fine by oh_meadows, which i have to revisit when i come back to my kafhime phase.) learning from each loop. moral dilemmas. memory loss. it really has it all, man!
finally circling back to the main point i think ive been wanting to talk about---"it'll be lonely without you, fushiguro."
again, im gonna make it all about satosugu (woahhh, really?) because they were my first love in terms of jjk ships and also the parallels drive me nuts. up until reading this fic, i thought itadori's statement to fushiguro was one of selfishness---thats what gojo lacked, to an extent, and why he could not "save" geto that day in shinjuku. gojo was selfish, sure---selfish in not hollow purpling geto right there in that busy street. selfish for not putting a stop to his antics for a damn decade. because he didnt want to be the one to do it, not really, he didnt want to have to kill his best friend. only when geto forced his hand in that alleyway did he comply. i thought that if gojo had asked geto to stay, they wouldve worked things out.
but maybe not---maybe thats not how it is. i recognize there were a lot of flaws in that reasoning, mainly that 1) it didnt solve the root cause of geto's defection, which was the early deaths of young sorcerers; 2) that would mean putting up with a system that suffocated him for the sake of someone else, which was not only extremely codependent, but also unhealthy; 3) that geto would simply abandon his ideas of mass murder and continue living "like normal," and the higher ups would like, disregard his killing spree.
so, a lot of people say itafushi was everything satosugu was not---had stsg just communicated, they could have also worked out. part of me wishes this was true, but the more i think about it, the more it just. couldnt.
going along with the argument of this fic---which i am only hesitant to put my full faith in because i will change my perspective at the drop of a pin---yuuji gave megumi a choice, but let him know that he was there. megumi's love for yuuji was what made that choice for him and allowed them to stay together. on the other hand, geto was not allowed a choice explicitly because of the actions he had already taken.
i think its a myriad of factors---gojo raised as a weapon, the strongest; geto's actions that had already branded him a threat; the control of the higher ups over jujutsu society that, while not entirely binding satoru, still restrained him somewhat. geto had made his choice, and he chose to walk away. no amount of pleading could have changed his mind, at least i think. which is why theyre so tragic, is that they couldnt be helped.
and, i think, gojo had a hand in helping them too. he helped create a world where jujutsu students werent treated as disposable weapons---he made sure they grew strong, strong enough to one day overthrow the higher ups. he created an environment where no one had to be forced into any position; where no one WOULD be forced on the brink of all they could handle before finally snapping, as geto did.
if i read more fics, i would probably understand why people think satosugu could have worked out. as much as it pains me, i just dont think it could. there had to be fundamental change in the way they were treated as students, and that was still far away from becoming. geto shoudl have been able to be given that choice, but he was already too far gone.
...anyways, i have an essay to write. i will most likely be revisiting timeloops later... preferably in the form of satosugu (where there is no happy ending, lmao.)
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occasionallygrey · 5 months ago
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nostalgia, queer identity, and missing out
and im feeling all three; so here i am, writing in the dead of night, to no one in particular
anyways, im back in my intensive satosugu obsessed era. this time mixed in a little bit more with itafushi too, but i digress.
something about the two of them makes me so profoundly sad and nostalgic. which is weird, in a way, because 1) theyre about the same age as me, 2) im still in highschool technically, 3) its not like the fics im reading have anythign profoundly sad in them.
maybe its the way i mourn being queer and losing the highschool romance i so desired as a kid, the romance i dreamed of in the thousands of books i read, in the fanfictions ive read from sofitz to percabeth and then to eimiko and beiguang and kafhime and clorivia and now satosugu and itafushi. it definitely has a lot to do with gege's impeccable writing, but ill hold back on the glaze for now.
i guess this is just a thought dump. i mourn my own life when yuuji and megumi are stupid and in love, when they dance around the elephant in the room like their lives depend on it, when they blush and stumble over words like they just learned how to speak, when its obvious to the whole world except them two. i guess because i'm graduating soon too its some sort of nostalgia of missing out on the life i never had. hell ive been obsessed with romance since i was literally in elementary. maybe like, since second grade. romance is my life and i desired so deeply to have my cliche moment with someone and be stupid. i think its specifically the itfs and stsg fics that are about them realizing they are in love with one another that kills me the most. because as tragic as their stories are, as tragic as the jjkverse is, homosexuality is just so normal (in fics). maybe if i had realized i was a lesbian sooner, maybe if i had opened up to this notion, maybe if i wasnt so scared i would have been able to have my own imagined fantasy romance too. its a lot of what ifs that are practically pointless, but imagined all the same. what if?
reading more fics about them as teenagers, in highschool, making me reminiscent of my own highschool career. what have i really done? i held hands with a guy i thought i liked, and i felt nothing. like literally nothing. i never will get my fictional romance, and sure, it doesnt end in high school, but dont we all imagine the picture perfect highschool sweethearts story?
oh yeah, and this brings me to the other thing i was thinking about: if gl manhwa/manga/manhua authors tend to write stories abotu girls in highschool to mourn the life they could have had. like i do now, although im not quite out of it yet.
anyway, back to satosugu. i think its also just their innate bond. sure, they ended tragic, but lets think about their "eternal blue spring": being able to understand each other in being the strongest, being able to be stupid teenage boys together. maybe i also mourn that too; the innocence of boyhood. sometimes i wish i were a boy.
excessive heart beats pumping out of ones chest; redness and a warmth that spreads across the face; jabs and teases about liking someone; being set up by friends; being oblivious and awkward and so, so teenagerlike.
another issue with me is like, i dont knwo how to put my emotions into words. i think if i could, i would become a really good author. but if i were to try, id say it feels like im reading what my life should have been. its like, im supposed to have these memories of a great highschool romance, but its missing. its not there; theres a gap in my brain, slotted perfectly for "highschool romance" to take its place, with its awkward bashfulness, stumbling, clumsiness. and in reading these fics, these stories where it DOES happen, its like my brain highlights the gap: you dont have this; you need this! and then spend the next couple h ours thinking incessantly about how you are missing this vital piece of your life that you want so badly.
oh, i think its also because of how close they are as friends, not only as significant others. they were able to be best friends before they were lovers. dancing around the topic, gradual love, noncommital commital confessions of love. friends turned something more---there it is.
i desire a friendship so close it could turn into being partners for life. someone who despite it all, would remain by your side, understands you as innately as a friend but loves you as something greater. thats why itafushi and satosugu speak so deeply to me, huh? as opposed to my other favorites, they have grown up together. they know each other as friends first, lovers second. being able to joke and tease as friends do, with tension underlying constantly---a constant game of chicken to see who decides to cross the line first. its so fun. i love reading about that. i would love to experience that.
and, maybe a little more selfishly, going through somethign traumatic enough to bond the two of them together. obviously that didnt really work in stsg case, but i digress. perhaps i just want someone to understand. thats probably it. lmao.
regardless, i have about 4000 words to write in teh next 3 hours (4 if i can stay awake that long) and 1k of which were probably wasted here. i like tumblr as a blog. its fun. maybe this is what i missed out on, being born in the later years of the 2000s. ill probably return to reflect on my own writing, after i finish < even i am not infinite >. 
as always, it is some cruel twist of fate that pulls me into writing what i always wanted to when i physically cannot absorb myself into such. darn this ib program.
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