ocdaitathrowaway

[ocdaitathrowaway]

jesus christ this got a lot of responses in the little thingy so i guess maybe i should give some extra info for you guys?

yes, i am in fact a minor, as many of you have guessed. i won't be a minor for much longer. but i still don't want to state my age because it makes me uncomfortable (i kinda stopped stating my age until i knew people after i was groomed, hah)

a lot of you are recommending therapy/getting out of the house/getting away from my mother/family. i don't have the ability to do any of this, because

-for therapy we don't have money. i certainly wouldn't be able to go alone because i can't drive at all.

-due to my dad's work schedule, (only have one car) i don't really even get to go out WITH my mother very often, even to the grocery store, let alone go into activities (i also have some physical issues (wrist tendonitis mainly) that prevent me from doing the ones i've been wanting to do) or to try and socialize or anything.

-i don't have any other family members or trusted adults i can go to. the one adult family member i somewhat trust i wouldn't trust enough for this and said family member is in another state. i don't trust adults in general, usually, though. (grooming victim moment!)

• my father is far worse than my mother in a lot of ways (racist, transphobic, demeaning, somewhat ableist, believes in eugenics, etc. maybe a bit violent? i mean he's never really hurt me badly or anything.) (i mean, he openly talks about wanting to shoot/hang/kill trans people/furries/pretty much anyone he disagrees with. one time he said he wanted to kill "my generation" and then said "not you, though. you're one of the good ones." which prompted me to be a lot more afraid of him than i was before.) and he lives here already anyways. he's a big part of a lot of my issues, and i don't dare to talk to him about any of them.

-as i stated earlier, i can't drive. i am of age to get my license/permit in my state, but i don't know how to drive, and i'm honestly kind of worried about trying to learn. i'm not sure i can be trusted to drive without potentially trying to harm myself or shutting down or just randomly dissociating. i wouldn't feel safe driving without someone else in the car to take over should i need it.

i don't have a job, so i can't make anymore money. i think some of you might've suggested online donations, but i wouldn't be able to accept because if my parents found out i was getting money from people online uhh. maybe i shouldn't finish that sentence actially.

several of you have said that cps likely wouldn't take me away if they didn't think i was in danger, or have stated that being taken away or leaving wouldn't be that bad of an idea anyways. i agree that getting out of here would be great. i was frightened by the idea for a while but to be honest i'd love to leave here, and i've contemplating running away, but i'd have to prepare a lot more before doing that. as for the other part, you might have been assuming that i'm not in danger. i think i am. i don't know if i'm in current danger but if my parents were to find out some things about me (especially the fact that i am uh. not cis. (i'm genderfluid if it matters) and a lot of my personal views) i don't think i'd be very safe anymore. (re: that part i mentioned my dad wants to kill trans/nb/etc people)

a bunch of you have recommended noise cancelling headphones or earplugs and whatnot! my headphones are somewhat noise cancelling and i wear them most of the time. it does help. i feel a lot more comfortable with them on. i don't think i'd need earplugs, though.

-i don't remember if i mentioned it or not, but they're not too fond of me wearing the headphones. i'm not sure of the reason. my dad seems concerned that it will harm my hearing, but when i listen to music i keep it relatively low (low enough they definitely can't hear it coming from them! i always make sure.) and most of the time i'm not playing music anyways. my mother on the otherhand calls them "stupid" and thinks part of why i have trouble hearing/understanding her/others (which i have had for YEARS) is because of it. i'm pretty sure it isn't because these only slightly muffle noise, and i don't really feel like there's any difference. i've had to use subtitles for watching anything for years and i don't think it's much different, if at all.

she's especially not too fond of me wearing them in public (have to, i don't particularly want to end up having any issues in the store and she doesn't want that either). i think she sees me as an embarrassment or something, dunno.

lots of you have reassured me i'm NTA and that helps a lot! i'm glad to know i'm not just overreacting or anything. i struggle to trust my judgement. i guess that's a mixture of them and me.

you all seem pretty concerned i have zero outside contact offline, and about my isolation. i don't like it so much, either. hey, those of you with friends, what's it like to hug someone you actually want to hug or be hugged by? sorry i'm a bit silly there hehe. i agree, i think it is probably pretty bad that i don't really have any knowledge of what outside life is like. i don't have any perspective on what is or isn't right and i've begun to learn it and realize a lot of things they do are bad. quite bad. (ex. "maybe my mom getting mad at me for little things like not doing what she said when i was like 4 years old and saying "i almost died to bring you into this world and this is how you treat me?" is a bad thing!")

-i was in activities outside for a little bit when i was younger, but we moved. i never really connected with anyone in them. i ended up relieved when they stopped. i think part of why i didn't like it was that my mom was present a lot of the time and it made me uncomfortable.

-i'd like to have offline friends but i'm not sure how i'd do it. both of my parents seem to want me to have friends but also don't at the same time?? idk it's weird. anyway even if i got in some group or activity or something i'm not sure how much i'd be able to connect with someone. i wouldn't feel safe telling them about my interests or identity or anything like that because my parents could find out stuff about me through them. i don't like talking to people when they're watching. which they are usually doing. i don't feel safe or comfortable doing much of anything when they're watching.

-some of you have suggested i stop being homeschooled but 1. they wouldn't let me do that, no matter how often they threaten me with it (used to threaten to put me in military schools too lol). and 2. i don't think it would be much healthier, given a lot of my mental issues. i also can't just do that myself, i don't think. is that even possible??? i can't drive anyway. and i don't know where the schools are. i have no sense of direction

a lot of you have suggested that this is abuse. yeah i agree. i think this is probably abuse. i began to figure that out after a while, but i didn't really want to call it that in case it wasn't or anything. pretty much everyone has said this is definitely unhealthy. i definitely think it's unhealthy. i don't feel comfortable being around either of them for extended periods of time. i feel unsafe or afraid when trying to fix some of my issues or do the things i need to do when they're around. usually when that happens i end up feeling suicidal. then again, i'm suicidal almost every day. except for the past couple weeks, i've actually felt a bit better recently.

bunch of you have told me that therapists Aren't So Scary and most of them aren't bad and aren't going to do bad things to me or put me on "bad meds" like my parents want me to believe. i'd like to go to therapy, and i plan to do so whenever i get out of here. i wouldn't feel comfortable going to one who is much older than me, though. any advice for that?

overall, thank you all for the advice and the reassurance and helping me realize that i'm definitely NTA and that i need to get out of here as soon as i can. this is a big burden lifted off of me, knowing i'm not in the wrong here. if anyone has any other questions i'd be happy to answer

AITA for asking my mother not to do certain things?

Let me start off by saying i'm homeschooled. I've been homeschooled my entire life. I don't have any friends offline, so I've pretty much come here to ask for outside opinions from my friend groups (online).

Prefer not to state ages, if that's okay. It makes me uncomfortable.

I have ocd, suspected autism, and either auditory processing disorder or misophonia (we're not sure which.) as well as a plethora of other issues. my mother is very aware that i have ocd (she has it herself) and i've mentioned misophonia to her several times. she doesn't know about my other mental issues, as for reasons you're probably going to see here, as i don't feel comfortable or safe telling her. (or, i've tried, and she doesn't listen, or tells me i'm "being dramatic.")

my ocd is quite crippling, to the point i've tried medication, herbal tea (chamomile seems to work a bit!), asking friends for advice, and even asking her for advice. as of the last year, it's had a grip on my life and has been quite a problem for me. i'm unable to do things i want or need to a lot, and especially struggle doing most things, even basic tasks. i'm unable to see a therapist/counsellor or psychologist/psychiatrist for personal/financial reasons.

a lot of my triggers (well, not exactly triggers for the ocd, but they stop me from doing things.) revolve around sound, especially people talking. whistling is a major trigger for my misophonia/apd, as are other high pitched noises.

my mother has a tendency to watch tv a lot, and i often ask her to not do this when i'm trying to do certain things, as it makes my ocd a bit worse, and it's often rather loud. (please note i wear headphones a lot of the time for sensory issues.)

however, when i ask her either to turn it down, pause it temporarily, or ask her to turn it off for a bit, she has a tendency to get mad/upset. to the point of throwing a bit of a fit over it, in a way that to me seems a bit attention seeking (in the bad way). she says things like "fine, whatever." and flaps her arms about dramatically or slaps her legs, or she says "i don't even wanna watch it now, it's ruined."

i'll go ahead and say she's a bit self-centered in a lot of ways. for years she has said i've "targeted" her and "treated her terribly" even though any time i was (to her) doing these things, i was usually defending myself or telling her to do something that she needed to do that had been requested for days/weeks/months/sometimes years. i also have a tendency to ask her what she's doing, either out of genuine curiosity, or because she has done something strange to me that i didn't understand. which she gets mad over.

she also gets mad if i ask if she's coming over here (i have a tendency to walk/pace in certain areas to music, it helps with stress/adhd/also helps me write/act things out. she is very aware of this and this isn't really a problem.) or ask how long she will be over here. she seems to think me asking this is telling her she can't come over, or desperately trying to get her to move. admittedly sometimes i DO want her to move, but 90% of the time i am just asking so i know if i need to move to a different area to walk or just stop temporarily.

sometimes when i am having a particular peak in my ocd/anxiety/whatever else, i ask her not to talk for a moment/few minutes, either so i can do something i need to, or because i'm afraid it will make it worse. she'll either get mad about this, or go on a tangent about "not catering to me" and saying things "the real world doesn't work like this, and nobody cares that you have ocd/issues." she has a tendency to take my issues as a personal attack on her, when in reality i would ask anyone to stop for a moment.

she has a tendency to belittle me in a sense for it. i've tried to explain some of it to her (without revealing details of my trauma she doesn't know about, as most of my ocd is linked to severe ptsd.) and she says it "doesn't make any sense" and i "need to stop" and i "need to just make myself stop." she has ocd, and knows compulsions are not always rational, and yet still says these things.

part of my desire not to go to a therapist is because of her. she claims they will either try to put me away take me to another home/put me in foster care, or drug me up on medication that will make me dull. (the other part is more personal, and unrelated to her, but to my aforementioned trauma.)

one of the things i especially ask her not to do is whistle, or make a few other certain noises (eating loud, using nail files around me, etc) because they are especially triggering to me. she'll either blatantly refuse and say i "don't get to tell her what to do" or i don't "control her" (please note i am just asking, but when i DO specifically tell her to stop, it is because she either already knows this sound is triggering to me, or i've already asked, and i'm losing my patience.) or she'll do it louder/more just to trigger me further (my father also does this. sometimes as a joke which in some ways is worse.) or she'll go on the "not catering + nobody cares" tangent again.

i know my ocd and other issues can be a bit interrupting, but i don't ask huge things of her or anyone else. all i ask is for them to not make certain sounds around me, temporarily ask them to not do something/stop doing something, or ask them to do it a bit quieter for me. please note she has the ability to watch tv/videos on other devices with headphones easily, she just chooses not to. and worse of all, they treat it like it's not interrupting to me, when it affects my everyday life in ways far worse than asking/telling them not to do something.

it makes me feel unwanted and unappreciated, and i'll admit, i've contemplated....not existing, if you will, many times over this issue and others.

i just don't really know if i'm asking too much, or if they're just being shitty. i want outside opinions on this.

so, AITA?

(id put a tl;dr in here, but i don't really know what to put. feel free to do it for me. also, i know this was kinda long, but i needed to put some extra things in, sorry if thats like an inconvenience or anything!)

(adding my sideblog here so i can get notifs, @ocdaitathrowaway)

What are these acronyms?