ofeva

[ofeva]

oofjaemin​

her  answer  is  disappointing ,  not  at  all  anything  jae  would  agree  with  nor  want  for  himself ,  and  one  he  thinks  is  more  suited  for  someone  ordinary  and  boring ,  definitely  not  eva .  so  there’s  a  scoff ,  subtle  as  it  leaves  his  lips  in  more  of  a  huff .  “  you  get  to  have  more  than  just  not  being  sad ,  "  he  begins ,  and  he's  close  to  leaving  it  there ,  it  would  be  acceptable  to ,  but  his  mouth  opens  once  more  and  he  doesn't  slow  his  thoughts  to  stop  it .  "  —  you  could  thrive ,  you  know  ?  be happy ,  actually  live  a  bit ,  for  you .  "  he  doesn't  know  everything  about  caledonia  or  mr. stewart  but  he  knows  eva  didn't  pull  her  own  strings ,  knows  she's  been  used  for  other  people's  gain  rather  than  her  own  and  it  pisses  him  off .  he's  so  used  to  doing  exactly  what  he  wants  for  himself  at  all  times  and  he  knows  he  could  help  her  do  just  that .   he'll  fall  quiet ,  finding  it  a  challenge  to  explore  the  possibility  of  a  non  hypothetical ,  to  ask  her  something  direct  and  true  and  without  a  veil  he  can  hide  behind  when  she  answers  with  something  he  doesn't  like . "  look ,  you  know  i  want  you  to  stay ,  but  you're  not ,  so …  regardless  of  what  i  ask  you  or  what  i  want ,  it's  all  hypothetical  because  you're  not .  "  he's  not  used  to  not  getting  what  he  wants ,  but  he's  more  focussed  on  what  she  wants ,  and  had  she  wanted  him ,  perhaps  she'd  have  a  reason  to  stay  and  there'd  be  no  need  for  what  ifs  at  all .  but  jae  also  knows  that  she's  not  quite  as  likely  to  say  yes  and  go  along  with  whatever  he  wants  when  he  wants ,  he  knows  she  has  a  habit  of  shutting  him  down  and  rejecting  him ,  and  while  he  believes  he  takes  risks ,  attracted  to  that  sense  of  danger ,  he's  not  quite  prepared  for  that  rejection  without  the  safety  of  hypotheticals  or  jokes .  even  just  the  idea  that  he'd  ask  her  something  like  that  without  the  intention  of  a  game ,  without  solely  thinking  about  the  prize  at  the  end  of  the  night  would  be  new  to  him .  he's  not  ready  for  it ,  can't  form  the  words  even  in  his  thoughts ,  let  alone  on  his  lips  —  the  idea  of her  turning  down  something  that’s  real  plays  once  in  his  head  and  that's  enough  to  scare  him  off ,  shutting  down  the  whole  thing  in  an  instant .  he'll  disguise  his  dilemma  with  a  stub  of  his  cigarette ,  ridding  it  of  its  embers  as  he  uses  it  as  an  excuse  to  look  away . 

"  you're  no  fun . "  jae  tells  her ,  just  in  case  she’s  unaware ,  though  he  hardly  thinks  so  when  he's  smiling  at  her .  "  ridiculously  attractive ,  ten  out  of  ten  company ,  and  the  best  in  bed  ?  glad  we're  on  the  same  page .  "  he  has  to  hold  his  grin ,  which  he  only  does  as  to  not  assume  he's  joking  in  any  way .  eyes  will  fix  on  her  calling  out  his  name ,  and  he  doesn't  know  what  he  expected  to  hear ,  though  he  knows  what  he’d  like  to .  but  her  words  stump  him ,  he  can’t  fight  them .  he  could ,  but  he’s  in  a  predicament  when  he  believes  she  should  get  that  chance .  still ,  he  hates  this ,  how  she  can  make  him  feel  guilty ,  embarrassed ,  upset  and  lost ,  but  also  warm  and  grateful  and  soft  — soft  as  he  looks  at  her ,  lost  as  he  doesn't  want  her  to  go ,  guilty  he's  wasted  their  time  tonight  but  grateful  she  even  allowed  them  to  have  it ,  and  he's  upset  she's  saying  goodbye  to  him  now ,  embarrassed  by  the  warmth  of  his  cheeks ,  inside  his  chest  and  how  it  lingers  in  his  stomach . "  eva  —  wait ,  "  his  fingers  curl  around  her  wrist  on  instinct ,  a  step  forward  as  he  reaches  out .  "  fuck — ” sake ,  fuck  it ,  fuck  this ,  fuck  me .  jae  curses  just  the  once  despite  them  all  roaming  in  his  mind .  it's  as  far  as  his  thoughts  go  before  he's  kissing  her ,  never  one  to  think  before  he  acts  —  she  doesn't  help  with  that .  there’s  a  haste  in  the  way  he'll  cup  her  face  with  gentle  fingers ,  his  thumb  gliding  across  her  cheek  before  he  pulls  away ,  a  soft  frustration  on  his  features ,  in  his  voice  as  his  forehead  will  meet  with  hers .  “  i'll  let  you  go ,  i  just  —  "  lips  return ,  rushed   in  fear  of  not  wanting  that  to  be  the  last  time .  he  knows  it  will  have  to  be ,  once  he  pulls  away  from  her  again .  he  knows  he’ll  never  be  content  with  the  memory  of  it ,  how  it’ll  occupy  him  for  weeks  and  there’s  a  feeble  ferocity  in  how  he’ll  kiss  her ,  a  battle  with  himself  as  to  whether  he  should  take  his  time  and  savour  it  or  do  himself  the  favour  and  allow  her  to  go  quickly .  fingers  will  trail  through  strands  of  her  hair  as  he  knows  their  time  is  up ,  eyes  not  quite  meeting  hers  as  his  gaze  lingers  on  her  lips  once  he’s  created  that  distance  again .  his  hands  move  to  fix  her  hair ,  the  stray  strands  he  created  tucking  behind  her  ears  with  delicate  fingers ,  only  looking  in  her  eyes  then  before  he  feels  a  tightness  in  his  throat .  “  goodbye ,  eva . ”  jae  manages  a  smile ,  forces  it  despite  it’s  sincerity .  his  eyes  will  follow  her  until  they’re  unable  —   he  won’t  follow ,   instead  reaching  back  into  his  pocket  to  light  another  cigarette . 

– THERE ARE A LOT OF WAYS EVA COULD REACT TO WHAT JAE'S SAID, but mostly she's just surprised. she puts so many walls up with her words, talks in circles most of the time, and it works on most people. she can make a question sound like an answer, or leave you wondering what the hell you intended to learn from her in the first place. jae cuts through that quickly, somehow, he knows that she's not like that, that she's not the sort of person to just be happy with complacency. eva draws her eyes away from him, looking up toward the stars as her teeth sink into her lower lip. she doesn't want him to see her smile, especially because if she did, it would be for him. " maybe. i guess...i just have to see what happens. but i think you've proven that you know that i'm a little more ambitious than that and i'll figure things out for myself, " she adds. it's embarrassing, of course, the way that she's been used and drawn out, taken advantage of for wanting something as simple as someone to look out for her. it makes her feel stupid more so than used, and she knows that jae is aware of this more intimately than anyone other than the rest of the caledonia agents on the mission with her. " but you're right, jae. i'm not staying, i just...i can't, okay ? it's not even just about safety, it's that i can't be in this place. and if i did it for you, that wouldn't be right. " for starters, she's done doing things for other people, and additionally, she knows that doing that just breeds resentment. eva likes the jae that she looks at now, likes that she can hold all of their memories in the palm of her hand. the nights on the rooftop or even their most recent encounter in his room are tinted with something soft, something...meaningful. the longer she sticks around jae, the more chances there are for those memories to be tainted. she likes that they can all be preserved in a careful, nostalgic wrapping where not even she can touch them and ruin them. " so, don't ask me again, " she adds, her gaze drifting back to his with a softness that implies that she might not even be sure how to answer at first if he asked her in all seriousness. it's how eva can be certain there is something real here, otherwise there wouldn't be any hitch in her breath. she wouldn't be sad at all.

" i didn't say that, " she says, a shine in her eyes as he jokes, shaking her head at him. there's something bittersweet about the familiar banter now, though, the way he ignites his own ego for her in this lighthearted way she's grown accustomed too. after all, this is the last time that they'll share such a moment as this, and eva is too sentimental a person not to notice that. her lips linger on the goodbye before she turns away, not expecting him to try to say any different. even if he doesn't like it, he must understand. that's why his voice catches her off-guard, turning her head with slightly parted lips, but before he can even finish his thought, she's meeting him halfway. against her better judgement, she steps toward him, leaning into his touch without a second thought. it's all on impulse, the way that eva kisses him back with a touch of desperation. he's even the first to pull away, fingertips soft on her cheek, holding on to her the way that people carry something precious. she doesn't know what to make of that now, of course, she'll think of it later, laying awake at night thinking of the few times that anyone has ever touched her like that and his fingertips will linger on her skin even longer than his lips. eva's glad that he doesn't finish his sentence, she doesn't want empty words or goodbyes that she can do nothing about – she wants one more moment to wrap her arms around him, to move with his touch with none of his hesitance. it's quite possible that she doesn't really know how to do it halfway, that she only knows how to give him all of her in this moment before she takes it all back and brings it with her when she goes. but for now, he can be hers. with a labored breath, she pulls away, that same vulnerability present in her eyes when they drift upward from his lips. eva is used to wanting, a longing has been ever-present in her heart since she was a child, and she's always been good at swallowing it. she does it again now, pushes down what she wants in favor of what she needs, resists the urge to grab him by the lapel and pull him close yet again, to not yet say goodbye. but that's not what she needs.

her hand drifts down to his with a gentle squeeze, a smile lifting her lips when she looks back at him. eva knows him well enough to know that this must be hard for him, that this isn't typical. all the more reason that she should let him go, too. hopefully his memories of her will be as soft at the edges as hers are of him. " goodbye, jae, " she says it like an agreement, a nod of her head before she turns on her heel in the opposite direction, ballgown swirling at her feet as she walks through the ballroom and leaves the event entirely. no matter how well practiced she is, eva doesn't think she can take any further goodbyes.

[ofeva]

oofjaemin​

jae  likes  figuring  things  out  and  finding  answers ,  he  wants  to  come  to concrete  conclusions  when  he  does .  so ,  he  doesn’t  sit  comfortably  in  the  realm  of  never  knowing  something  for  certain ,  not  when  he  had  the  chance  to  and  quite  literally  allowed  it  to  pass  by  without  even  a  thought  at  the  time . so ,  there  is  a  pause ,  a  moment  of  deliberation . " and  you're  happy  with  that  ?  never  knowing  for  certain ?  i  think  you’d  have  fun  with  me . “  jae  says  with  ease ,  a  genuine  belief  in  his  tone ,  and  really  he  doesn’t  know  why  he’s  trying  to  convince  her  but ,  when  she’s  so  against  it  ,  it’s  like  a  need  to  prove  her  wrong .  though  jae  is  just  trying  to  keep  hold  of  a  possibility  that  they’ll  have  the  opportunity  to  go  on  some  stupid  date ,  to  still  know  each  other  in  however  long  and  have  the  option  to ,  even  if  it’s  just  to  be  shut  down  when  he  asks .  but  maybe  it's  just  where  they  differ .  that  fucking  one  percent .  he  smirks ,  a  little  lazy  as  it  is  light  before  there's  a  nod  following .  "  i'm  curious  to  know  what  you  think  of  me ,  yeah … and  you  might  even  grow  my  ego  so  be  careful . "  he  warns  her  with  a  playful  glint  in  his  eyes ,  because  criticism  or  not ,  he’s  quite  good  at  twisting  words  and  meanings  and  manipulating  something  into  whatever  answer  he  wants to  hear ;  she  already  knows  that .  there's  a  scoff  that  leaves  him ,  though  a  smile  still  plays  loosely  on  his  lips . "  when  have  you  ever  spelled  anything  out  for  me  ?  "  an  inhale  of  smoke  before  he  releases  it  in  a  cloud ,  he  thinks  it’s  the  opposite .  "  if  you  want  the  latter  then , surely  to  ruin  your  night ,  i  have  to  go  with  trying  to  get  you  back  to  mine  instead .  i'll  even  try  the  whole …  modest  thing  if  i  have  to .  "  doubtful ,  and  his  words  are  empty  anyway  when  he's  already  decided  he'll  give  her  what  she  wants  by  not  getting  what  he  does .  he  doesn't  want  to  run  the  risk  of  pissing  her  off  tonight ,  not  enough  to  risk  losing  her  company  altogether . "  exactly ,  it  doesn't  really  mean  anything  so  you  can  just  tell  me . "  jae  says  simply ,  more  or  less  an  attempt  to  ignore  the  fact  she  wouldn't  want  him  to  find  her .  logically ,  he  gets  it ,  but  he's  quite  offended  by  that ,  takes  it  a  little  personally .  "  —  but  if  that's  what  you  want ,  or  don’t  want … "  jae  takes  his  gaze  from  her ,  suddenly  hesitant  but  he’ll  attempt  to  disguise  it   with  a  glance  up  to  the  sky  instead .  though ,  he  can’t  quite  help  how  his  eyes  will  fall  straight  back  down  to  her .  “  you  know  where  to  find  me  if  you  change  your  mind .  ”

– JAE HAS A HABIT OF ASKING QUESTIONS THAT MAKE HER HESITATE. is she happy in the unknown ? eva takes her time with her answer, mulling over her words as she studies his face, eyes tracing the curve of his jawline until her gaze flickers back to his eyes. she doesn't know how he can ask such things with ease when she feels like she's at war with her inner turmoil, and she wonders if it is as simple as it looks to be him. " i'm not sad with that. and i guess that's enough for me, there are a lot of things in life i'm just never going to know for certain. i've come to terms with it, " she says. " are you getting tired of asking me questions and getting nonanswers ? if you really wanted me so badly, you'd quit speaking in hypotheticals. i think you're just not used to being rejected. " eva's pretty sure that's where his persistence comes to play in the first place, and she'll test him, pushing every button she can reach up until their last moment together. but the fact remains that if he wanted a stupid date, well...he's still never asked her. even now, as they hang on the precipice, she's not sure what her answer would be, but she's quite familiar with the feeling : want. but that also means she's quite familiar with shutting it down.

" well, if i'm at risk of inflating your ego, then i'll probably just keep my thoughts about you to myself, " she says, " though i think you probably already know most of them. " that he's impossible and persistent, a thorn in her side but also a COMFORT, when everything about this year seemed to spiral. he'd taken on an impossible task of trying to understand her, and even now she doesn't believe he succeeded, but he'd tried. and she'd WANTED him to. eva does think jae is special, that he has value, but probably not in the ways that he already believes he does. even so, she'll keep that to herself, any kindness hidden behind a secretive smile when she looks back up at him. " jae – " she cuts herself off, not sure what she was going to say. but he looks back at her and her expression is soft, almost gentle. " i'm tired. will you just let me say goodbye to you like a normal person ? just take a fucking break from trying to figure me out or anticipate my next move and...let me. because i haven't really gotten to do that a lot in my life, usually i'm lucky to get to leave in the first place and there’s not time for much else. so, i just – thank you for everything, " she says, a sigh that's soft and sweet punctuating her words. she tries to revel in this moment because what she said was true, she's not often offered the ability for parting words, and instead of ruminating where she might go next or whether she might find him again, she just wants to be sure that she’s gotten the chance to say – " and goodbye. "

[ofeva]

oofjaemin​

she’s  right  ,  he  didn’t  think  to .  but  now  he’s  here  he  doesn’t  know  why  he  didn’t . “  maybe  i  regret  not  asking .  "  it  comes  out  with  more  ease  than  he  thought  but  it's  different  with  eva  when  he  doesn't  just  automatically  hide  what  he's  feeling ,  he  can  be  honest  about  it .  "  —  but  you'd  never  say  yes ,  so  i  don't  regret  it  THAT  much .  "  not  exactly  what  she  said  but  he'll  find  a  loophole ,  negate  the  blame  a  little . jae  hums  for  a  moment ,  in  thought .  "  fine ,  then ,  i  like  it  about  you .  "  the  only  reason  he  wouldn’t  like  it  would  be  if  she  were  mean  to  him  but  he  also  thinks  that’s  really  hot  so  he  doesn’t  dislike  it  about  her  at  all .  "  do  you  hate  things  about  me  ?  "  because  if  she  does  he'll  need  to  figure  out  something  he  hates  about  her  to  even  the  field ,  and  he  is  kind of  curious .  "  can't  tell  if  you're  lying  and  it  is  bad  or …  ”   sort  of  a  joke ,  since  they're  now  in  potential  lying  territory ,  but  he'll  move  a  little  closer  .  his  eyes  don’t  drift  away  from  hers  as  he  inspects  her ,  as  if  he's  trying  to  figure  it  out .  he  has  no  clue .  he’s  been  drinking ,  that’s  what  he’ll  blame  it  on .  gaze  will  drop  again  to  catch  her  smirk  which  will  only  pull  one  onto  his  own  lips ,  watching  as  she  smokes .  she’s  so  hot  .  jae’s  pretty  sure  she  knows  it  and  everything  is  intentional .   he’s  not  complaining .  he  takes  a  drag  from  his ,  a  raise  of  his  brow  at  her  support .  “  see  i'm  tied  between  trying  to  get  you  back  to  my  dorm  room  or  ignoring  you  for  the  rest  of  the  night …  but  i  think  you'd  find  pleasure  in  either ,  to  be  honest . "  jae  says  with  a  laugh  but  part  of  him  knows  he  couldn't  ignore  her  anyway ,  at  least  not  all  night .  though  getting  her  back  to  his  still  has  potential .  the  thing  about  jae  is  :  he  doesn’t  really  let  things  go .   "  it's  not  a  hint .  i  don't  know  if  you  know  this  but  continents  are  kind  of  big ,  eva  —  you  could  be  anywhere .  and  i'm  not  exactly  going  to  come  and  try  to  find  you .  "  though  he  might  if  he  had  a  city  name  to  go  off . 

– EVA BLINKS, NOT HAVING EXPECTED HIM TO ADMIT SUCH A THING. and she hates how he keeps catching her off-guard like this, saying something she doesn't expect because she always thinks she's good at reading people. " well, i guess now you'll never know for certain ? pity. you always like to try and call my bluff, " she adds, because, well...she can think of a pretty BIG time that he'd dared to and it worked out in his favor. but it's true that it won't work every time, she'd never allow herself to become so predictable, and tonight she's not quite as emotional – determined to hold on to her self control around him. " you're really going to open yourself up to that kind of criticism from me ? though, i guess your ego can handle it, " because she's yet to learn what will dissuade him apart from the time that...that he thought he couldn't trust her any more, which is interesting because she's the most untrustworthy person that she knows. " maybe that you keep asking me questions like this, " she decides, because he is nosy as hell. " you'll just have to trust your instincts on that one, jae, i'm not going to spell things out for you all the time, " she says this dismissively, a bit of a SHARPNESS to her words – she doesn't think it'll cut him anyway, but she doesn't care if it does. she tries to push him away and he keeps inching closer. it makes her all the more glad she's leaving, not sure how to handle having someone that could potentially care about her around. someone she could grow attached to. " do i get to pick ? " she asks, " because i want the latter. maybe for others, but for me...the arrogance isn't a turn on. " that actually isn't a lie – and surely, if jae were to think about it, the one time he had any success with seducing her was when he was the opposite of arrogant with her, instead he was caring and honest, gentle with her, and she'd hate to admit it but those are the kinds of things that entice her the most. " it's still a hint. and if it wasn't, what would be the point of me saying it anyway ? you're not going to find me either way, not unless i want you to. and i don't want you to. "  

[ofeva]

oofjaemin​

 jae  will  keep  a  bit  of  a  grin ,  even  if  it  falls  slightly  at  her  addition ,  narrowed  glare  in  her  direction .  “  i  don't  have  one  now ,  and  it's  not  like  i  have  them  often  ,  but  i've  had  dates  before … and  i  always  guarantee  a  ten  out  of  ten  experience .  "  he’ll  say  confidently ,  and   he  thinks  it’s  enough  grounds  to  make  better  late  than  never  count  for  him ,  not  that  he's  even  asked  her .  though  maybe  he  should  have ,  but  the  fact  he’s  even  debating  whether  he  regrets  not  doing  it  makes  him  shut  down  his  thoughts  quickly .  he's  not  sure  there's  anything  about  eva  he  doesn't  like ,  or  he  just  hasn't  discovered  it  yet ,  but  he  isn't  actively  looking  for  something ,  either .  she  hesitates  a  little ,  and  when  she  flips  it  back  to  him ,  he  lifts  his  shoulders  gently  to  shrug .  she’s  right ,  though . "  like's  a  strong  word ,  but  i  don't  think  it's  a  flaw ,  no .  "  flaws  are  kind  of  subjective  anyway ,  but  he  wonders  if  she  was  kind  if  he'd  be  half  as  intrigued  by  her  as  he  is  now .  "  i'll  just  assume  everything's  a  lie  from  now  on .  "  he  teases  with  a  short  laugh ,  a  smile  on  his  lips  remaining  ,  because  at  least  she'll  remember  something  about  him .  he  doesn't  think  he'd  forget  her  and  maybe  it's  selfish ,  or  just  vain ,  but  he  wants  to  be  remembered  by  her ,  too  .  his  gaze  will  fall  to  her  lips  a  moment ,  just  as  the  flame  ignites ,  before  flickering  back  up .  he  can't  stare  for  too  long  or  he'd  have  to  kiss  them  again .  the  thought  does  run  through  his  mind .  jae's  not  expecting  that  response ,  rather  something  blunt  or  in  agreement ,  so  he’s  a  little  surprised  by  the  compliment  —  because  obviously  he’s  taking  it  as  one .  "  good  to  know .  .  .  though ,  now  i  am  tempted  to  try .  "  something  about  pursuing  the  impossible  is  just  so  alluring  to  him .  she  shuts  him  down  so  quickly  that  he  scoffs .  "  okay ,  fine . ” except  not  really.  “  —  what  about  the  continent  ?  or  timezone  ?  "  he'll  try  and  find  out  what  he  can  while  he  can ,  even  if  she's  refusing .

– HE GLARES AT HER AND ALL SHE CAN DO IS SMILE IN SATISFACTION. she shrugs her shoulders. " i just think it's interesting...that you're trying so hard to prove this point to me when you'd never think to ask me anyway, " she remarks. she's just not the sort to let something slide, " so, i guess we'll just have to settle on the fact that i'll never know. and i won't take your word for it. " however, eva finds herself resting comfortably in unknowns all the time, and that's perhaps where she likes it best. both options are not ideal anyway : the idea that she'd have a miserable time is stifling, the idea that she'd actually have a good time...terrifying. still, she'll remain stubborn as ever. " i don't think it is, " pedal on the gas, so to speak, she'll push forward, " but i guess it's better to know that it's not something you hate about me. " she's never minded being hated, disliked, it's something you grow used to. but she does think it would sting more than most if jae disliked her, mainly because she thinks he knows her better than the rest. it doesn't hurt so bad to be hated by someone that doesn't know you, but by someone that does...yes, she wants him to like her. she won't read into it more than that. " that wouldn't be a bad idea, " sometimes she doesn't even know what's going to come out of her mouth before it does, a truth or a lie, it's whatever feels right in the moment. she wishes he'd laugh longer. a somewhat calculated smirk reaches her features when his gaze hurries away, raising the cigarette to her lips, amused by the way he tries not to stare. she’ll do no such thing, however. she doesn't move far, just a little bit back toward the railing as her eyes trace his profile, watching his face mostly, exhaling smoke. it’s important to her, to take this time to try and memorize him, doesn’t care if she stares a little. " give it your best shot. i guess i'd like to see what your idea of ruining my night would be, " she says. " there's no point in giving you hints if i don't want you to know the answer. you've just got to let it go, i can't be convinced. "

[ofeva]

oofjaemin​

his  eyes  will  squint  a  moment  before  he  tilts  his  head ,   a  slow  grin  forming .   that  was  too  quick ,  and  he  most  definitely  believes  he’s  worth  a  thought  at  the  very  least ,  especially  when  he’s  given  her  plenty  to  think  about .   “   okay  —  if  you  say  so …   you’d  be  missing  out ,  though .   my  dates  are  unmatched .  ”  coming  from  the  guy  who  just  said  he  didn’t  do  them .  but  he  wants  her  to  want  to  do  them  with  him ,  purely  because  she  doesn’t .  maybe  it’s  wanting  what  you  can’t  have  and  jae’s  never  been  great  with  that .  “  you’re  right ,   but  i  know  you’re  not  kind  …  and  i  don’t  mean  that  in  a  bad  way .  ”  because  it’s  easy  for  that  to  sound  like  an  insult  and  he’s  not  trying  to  be  offensive .   it’s  not  like  anyone  ever  got  anywhere  being  kind ,  anyway .  “   oh ,  no ,  i’ve  changed  my  mind  now  ,  lie  away .  ”  jae  thinks  she’s  lying  already ,  but  the  invalidity  comes  completely  from  the  fact  he  won’t  believe  she  wouldn’t  want  him .  so  he  won’t  thank  her  for  keeping  up  the  honesty ,   even  if  he  does  appreciate  it  in  general  (  just  not  right  now  )  .  he’s  already  shifting  in  his  pocket  for  his  pack  once  they’re  outside ,   it’s  those  fancy  af  ones  in  the  cool  boxes .  black  is  high  key  on  theme  ,  too  and  jae  is  that  extra .  so  he’ll  hand  her  one ,  wait  for  her  to  clasp  it  before  he’ll  extend  his  hand  out  to  light  it  for  her  when  she’s  ready .  “  not  my  intention . .  annoying  on  the  other  hand ,  maybe …  but  i’m  not  trying  to  ruin  your  night .  ”  if  anything  he  wants  to  make  it  better ,  so  he’ll  shrug ,  actually  letting  it  go  before  letting  a  second  pass  as  he  lights  his  own  cigarette . “  so . .    do  you  know  where  you’re  going  yet  ?  ”  he’s  hoping  she’ll  tell  him  this  time .   

– “OF COURSE THEY’RE UNMATCHED,” SHE NODS IN AFFIRMATION, and for a moment there’s no ounce of sarcasm, like she really believes him, until she adds : “ because you don’t have any, of course. isn’t that what you said ? ” she taps her chin in thought playfully before she winks at him, teasing. she doesn’t actually know what sort of game he’s playing, bringing up dates and all that, but she won’t agree just so that he can turn her down. eva’s never really been the casual date type, she was honest when she said that. he’s right, though. she isn’t kind, not inherently – she does love how it comes naturally to some people, how their first instinct is to help others or put themselves second, and she thinks that’s SWEET, it’s endearing, and she’s fascinated by it...but she’s never learned how to do it herself. “ no, it’s...not something that comes naturally to some people, i guess. but i think you like that about me, ” since clearly he doesn’t mean it as an insult, and she does kind of like that he seems to understand, even if she’s being coy. “ i’ll remember you said that, ” though if this is the last night, there will be no need to remind him of the way he gave her permission to lie. still, anything that sounds like a ‘get out of jail free card,’ eva will always file away for later. she likes bumming cigarettes off jae best because she feels fancy, like an actress in a black and white film when she takes one from him. he does sort of have the charm of an old movie start when he’s in a suit, too, she can picture it. her eyes meet his as she holds it up to her lips, already knowing he will look at them before he lights it for her. it’s probably not in her best interest to be out here with him, she’s not very good at goodbyes, but she couldn’t resist. it’s probably worse for him anyway, she’s always worse for people than they are for her. “ you couldn’t ruin my night, ” she says with certainty, though it’s unclear how she means that. “ if i did know, i wouldn’t tell you. we already talked about that, you won’t change my mind. ” 

[ofeva]

oofjaemin​

“  do  you  really ?  ”  it’s  spoken  like  it’s  a  game ,  like  he  doesn’t  believe  her ,  because  he  doesn’t ,  and  he’ll  get  to  the  truth  eventually .  but  she’s  being  so  stern  that  it’s  not  as  familiar  as  the  back  and  forth  he’s  used  to  with  her ,  so  there  is  authenticity  in  his  tone .  jae  feels  a  little  lost ,  really ,  not  sure  why  she’s  bothering  with  the  attitude  but  he’s  not  unequipped  to  deal  with  it ,  a  smile  on  his  lips .  “  a  kindness ?   that’s  not  like  you  ,  eva ,  i  thought  we  were  passed  that …  and  trust  me ,  it’s  no  trouble .  ”  jae’s  aware  when  he’s  being  annoying  and  eva  is  no  exception  to  it ,  especially  if  she’s  being  this  stubborn  and  he  can’t  figure  out  why .  she’s  quick  to  accept ,  so  much  his  mouth  almost  goes  to  talk  again ,  as  if  she  needs  more  convincing  ,  but  instead  he’ll  bite  his  lip  with  a  nod  as  she  goes  on  ahead .  so  hot .  he’ll  trail  behind  with  a  little  spring  in  his  step  to  catch  up  beside  her .  “   is  it  really  that  hard  to  talk  to  me  on  your  last  night  ?  ”  he  poses  as  a  joke ,  almost ,  soft  laugh .  but  .  .  it  is  hard ,  or  it  will  be ,  when  he  has  to  end  the  conversation .  

– EVA MEETS HIS EYES WITHOUT ANY HESITATION AND NODS : “ yes. ” she’s not sure what it will take to shut him down at this point, but she's trying. it’s even more important to her to not give him an inch now because of the fact that there’s SOMETHING there that wasn’t before and she doesn’t want to humor it. she does genuinely believe that it’s unwise for anyone to care for her. “ just because you know a couple things about me doesn’t mean you know what i’m LIKE, ” she retorts, mainly because she’s both comforted and uncomfortable by such a notion and she doesn’t know where to stand. wanting to be known but being terrified of it. this sort of banter was easier when she felt more elusive. “ anyway, i’m just being honest with you. i thought you wanted that. ” considering how forlorn he looked to see her in the sublevels. he’s the one that offered a smoke, so she’ll WAIT for him to offer his, an expectant look on her features as she leans back against the terrace. she almost leans back just a LITTLE too far for a beat, testing the limit. “ it’s hard to talk to you because you’re irritating. not because it’s my last night. ” so much for not lying to him. 

[ofeva]

oofjaemin​

with  her  response  he’s  feeling  a  little  smug  because  one ,  they’re  once  again  the  same  in  everything  they  do  and  two ,  there’s  just  as  much  potential  that  she’ll  be  all  his ,  as  well . “  i’m  not  asking  you —  but  better  late  than  never  would  definitely  apply  if  i  was .  ”  though  jae’s  incapable  of  making  that  step ,  to  make  it  more  than  just  friends  who  fucked  that  one  time .  even  if  it  would  have  been  nice  just  to  have  the  excuse  to  talk  to  her  all  evening .  “  let  it  go  ‘cause  i’m  right  and  you’re  just  too  stubborn  to  admit  it  ?  okay ,  i’ll  try .  ”  jae  will  smirk ,  though  trying  is  unlikely .  still ,  there’s  a  smile  remaining  on  his  lips ,  gentle  shake  of  his  head .  “  that’s  not  it ,  no .   want  to  go  out  for  a  smoke  ?  ”  jae  nods  toward  the  exit . 

– “I THINK NEVER WOULD BE BETTER ACTUALLY,” SHE SAYS WITH A POINTED GLANCE. because again, if he asked her, she would have said no, regardless of how relentless, because she’s also incapable of making such a step. they’ve already gone as dates ONCE, even by accident, and twice is where it would start to feel like a pattern. “ NO, let it go because you’re wrong and you’re insufferable, i’m doing you a kindness by trying to spare you the trouble, ” and eva pays attention to things and she knows there are people checking him out right now. so, maybe the smile on her lips is a little smug, bordering on happy : he’s still here with her regardless. “ fine, i’ll humor you. let’s go, ” she’ll agree to that, he knew it too. she turns on her heel toward the terrace without a look back to make sure he’s following – she knows he will. 

[ofeva]

01. EVANGELINE ASTOR.

“She’s...she’s not like I expected. She’s just a rather unpleasant sort of girl, really.”

Evangeline is nine when she overhears this from the top of the stairs at her parent’s home. She doesn’t know what it means, really, but she knows that it’s about her. It’s not unusual for her parents to whisper about things after they think that she’s gone to bed, but even at this age, Eva has never been particularly good at ‘going to bed.’ At this point, her parents have not done a particularly good job at hiding the fact that they don’t like her very much, so she’s decided that she doesn’t like them very much either.

Even though she’s light on her feet, the stair in the old house creaks when she stands up. Hopefully her parents have had too many dry martinis that they won’t hear the sound, and even if they do, they won’t think much of it. The house is old and always making strange noises, the doors sometimes open and shut on their own, wind comes in gusts through the poor insulation. It sometimes sounds like voices, and Eva likes to think that the house is full of ghosts and that they’re all on her side. She’s never been the sort of girl to run for her parents in the middle of the night when she hears a tapping at her window. She’s the sort of girl that just says, “Hello.”

When she was younger, she tried to tell her mother that she thought her room was haunted. Elizabeth Astor dropped a plate of pastries, fine china shattering into bits on the hardwood floor. Eva’s not supposed to talk about things like that.

When she gets back to her room, she feels quite upset. She doesn’t really know what to do with herself, the dark, resentful feeling that grows in the pit of her stomach and puts in roots at the base of her heart. She can’t turn on the light, not since her father got angry with her for tracking mud in the house a couple months ago and slammed his fist into the wall. He broke the switch. Eva’s not yet tall enough to reach the light cord that hangs off the bulb on the ceiling and do it manually. So, she lights a candle.

She loves the feeling of striking a match, the sound it makes, and there’s a certain amount of POWER that comes with holding something burning in her old wooden house. Imagine if she dropped it? Just let everything burn? The flame reflects in her dark eyes as she leans over to light the candle at her bedside, pulling a stack of books out of her bottom drawer. She’s reading Julie of the Wolves, the story of an orphan girl sent to live with her distant and cold aunt. When she runs away and begins to coexist with a pack of wolves, she becomes torn with the choice of staying with them or going back home. It’s one of her favorites, but Eva doesn’t think she’d have any difficulty with that choice. Too bad there aren’t many wolf packs in East Sussex.

It’s nearly dawn when Eva finishes her book, slowly drifting off to sleep. She blows out the candle before bed, watching gentle smoke spiral up toward the ceiling. It still burns within her.

June 2021

Eva returns to the UK after leaving Gallagher because she’s not sure where else to go. She doesn’t have much with her, a duffel bag of clothes and a couple books, having ditched all forms of electronics. She’s got a bit of cash on her. There’s an ache in her chest when the bus pulls onto the road of her old hometown. At first she doesn’t know what it is, but she thinks maybe this is what people talk about when they say that their heart hurts.

It’s been a harrowing semester.

When she steps off the bus, she feels a rush of memory. It’s not nostalgia, she has no longing for the past, but it’s easy to remember how this little seaside town shaped her into who she was, and how lonely she used to feel, walking on this exact same path to home. It makes her realize she feels less lonely now, in the same way that Julie made a pack of wolves her family, she’d found her own group of outsiders in Cole, Cecilia, Carmichael, and Christian. She was not the only one who always felt something wild within her, and just like the wolves, when you weather the storm together you better your chances of survival.

Before she even reaches her destination, she knows exactly what she’s going to do. Some people might find it pointless, or even petty, but for Eva it goes deeper than that. Being petty is reserved for focusing on matters of little importance, and this is more important to her than anything, it’s the final closing chapter before she leaves this little town and her childhood home for good. It’s a clear, beautiful Sunday morning when she stands in the trees beside her house. She knows that her parents will likely leave for church soon, at 9:45am on the dot like they always do. They’re addicted to their little routines. And Eva is addicted to other things. She lights the cigarette between her lips, exhales with a sigh. The grass is so dry she wonders what would happen if she dropped it. How long would the fire burn?

Eva looks up when she hears the slam of the front door of the house, the careful movement down steps. She hasn’t seen them in years now, and her father helps her mother down the steps and into the car. She walks with a cane. Had they always been this small? They look so frail to her from this distance, so fragile, and it’s hard to believe how many years she allowed these little people to lord over her life, to try and shape her into something she couldn’t. How could such fragile people have suffocated her so much? How had she let them do that to her? 

It’s not until the car is far down the dirt road that she feels like she can breathe properly again. Eva ashes her cigarette and puts it out on the bark of a tree before she heads up toward the house. It’s amazing to her how well she remembers things, exactly where her mother keeps the butter dish or the weird crack on the ceiling in the dining room. The wind howls through the hall in gusts from where her father left the window open in the study, and she feels strange. Like now, she is just one of many ghosts that inhabited the halls of this old house. She is not a guest or a visitor, there is a piece of her trapped forever, emblazoned in the woodwork. There will always be a part of her that is that lonely little girl with something so dreadful about her that she couldn’t be loved properly, that little girl who stayed up all night, feeling something rotting inside of her.

She wants to destroy it.

Eva moves through the house like a memory, and it’s not hard to find what she needs. Gasoline, mostly, and she’s one of those sick people that loves the smell. She loves it even more right now. It’s not petty to her, it has to be done. It makes so much sense to her to set all the ghosts free that live in these walls, and it’s the best place that she knows to spread the fire that wages war inside of her.

She has to be quick after she strikes the match, she can’t revel in the feeling that she loves so much – there is a power that comes from starting a fire, no matter how small. Then she lets go.

She’s far out of town by the time the air becomes thick with smoke, not around to watch the floorboards of her childhood home get consumed by the flames, but it’s an old house, the base is rotting, and there will be nothing that the town’s tiny fire department will be able to do to preserve it in time. 

Sometimes, to grow, you have to kill a part of yourself to do it, cut off the part that’s gone bad. Leaving, she feels like she’s gotten a part of herself back, like she’s burnt out the rotten bit at the center of her core. It’s revenge, surely, but she’s always been fond of that. Even more so, it’s the end of something old.

And once again, Eva will find somewhere to start new, like a phoenix from the ashes.

[ofeva]

Reina Hardesty

Source

[ofeva]

oofjaemin​

“  i  can't  tell  the  difference ,  so  . .  that'd  be  a  good  sign  to  know . "  jae will  joke ,  except  he  thinks  he  can  tell …  he  THINKS .  "  but  i  could  be  —  unless  you  have  a  date . "  brows  raise  a  little  in  questioning  before  he  sips  his  drink .  maybe  he  is  curious  to  know ,  though  it's  not  like  jae  would  see  that  as  much  of  a  hurdle  he’d  have  to  overcome .  there's  a  laugh  that  leaves  him ,  lips  pursing  slightly  before  he  smirks .  "  am  i  wrong  ,   then ?  to  presume ?  "  he  asks ,  innocently ,  despite  his  smile ,  because  he’s  knows  she  had  fun .  

– “I DON’T REALLY DO THE WHOLE DATE THING,” eva parrots, tilting her head in his direction. “ though it kind of sounds like you’re trying to ask me RIGHT NOW. it’s a little late for that, jae, ” she tells him. she wouldn’t have said yes anyway. once was fun, but the memory of how soft he kissed her hasn’t left her mind ; the frustration in his voice when she’d reminded him that she was leaving lingers. once was fun, but it was too intimate. for that reason, it can’t be twice. “ you’re wrong, jae. let it go. ” she tilts her head toward the dance floor, her voice sharp and cold, “ if that’s all you want to talk to me about, you’re better off chatting up someone who actually wants to fuck you tonight. ” 

[ofeva]

oofjaemin​

jae  will  keep  his  eyes  on  hers  as  he  waits  for  her  response .  he  knows  it  might  be  difficult  to  summarise  how  she’s  feeling ,  though  he’s  not  at  all  surprised  it’s  not  fulfilling ,  he  didn’t  expect  it  to  be .  he’s  trying  to  find  the  words  to  say ,  but  he’s  not  at  all  accustomed  to  death ,  not  like  this ,  anyway .  gallagher  has  helped  a  little  but  he’s  definitely  not  attended  as  many  funerals  as  he  could  have  given  what  work  his  family  is  involved  in .  “  he  should  have  suffered ,  ”  jae  will   begin  with  a  mutter ,  a  little  nod  to  himself  because  he  wishes  she  had  got  that  chance .  though ,  in  a  matter  of  seconds ,  he  shakes  his head ,  changing  his  mind .   “  he  would  have  done ,  even  if  you  didn’t  get  to  ensure  it  —  he  would  have  thought  of  you  in  his  last   moments .  you  would  have  haunted  him ,  even  if  it  was  only  a  second  .  ”  he  actually  has  no  idea  if  it  has  any  truth  to  it  at  all ,  but  eva  deserves  that  at  the  very  least  and  so  he’ll  say  it  with  such  conviction .  “  —  and  ,  uh ,    if  there’s  still  things  you  have  to  say  to  him ,  you  know ,  let  me  have  it  .  ”  jae  offers ,  a  little  lightness  in  his  tone  as  if  he  already  knows  how  ridiculous  it  seems  but  he’s  not  sure  how  else  to  allow  her  to  get  it  out  if  that’s  what  she  needs  to  do .  

“  i’ll  call  it  being  stubborn .  ”  he’ll  quip  back ,  gentle  grin  on  his  lips ,  he  can’t  think  of  any  other  reason  for  her  not  entertaining  him .  “  keeping  busy  is  good  for  you .  ”  jae  nods ,  she  could  call  him  out  on  anything ,  define  him  as  this  or  that ,  insult  him ,  even  . .  and  jae  will  always  find  a  way  to  flip  it ,  make  use  of  the  situation  and  keep  his  ball  in  the  court .  there’s  a  lick  of  his  lips ,  as  if  to  force  himself  to  think  about  it  first ,  not  answer  too  quick  despite  the  words  coming  to  mind  immediately .  “  treacherous . ”  jae  smirks  a  little ,  half  a  joke .  “  —  perilous ,  maybe … enticing .  ”  jae  will  humour  her ,  or  try  to ,  even  if  they’re  all  true  to  him . and  realistically  he  could  go  on  and  on  and  on  with  words  that  he  believes  suit  her .  though ,  when  he  really  thinks  of  eva  he  thinks  she  resembles  fire ,  that  fickle  flicker  even  when  it’s  steady  and  controlled ,  a  potential  for  destruction  if  it  finds  the  opportunity .  except  right  now ,  it’s  extinguished ,   smoke  still  soaring  up  in  spirals  and  waves  and  the  heat  still  there ,  the  opportunity  to  be  ignited  always  there .  it’s  not  any  less  beautiful ,  no  fault  in  the  change  at  all .  but  he  does  acknowledge  there’s  been  one .  her  casual  words  bring  a  smile  to  his  lips ,  eyes  lighting  up  in  approval . “  ooh ,  write  me  in  a  pack  of  cigarettes  and  we’re  even .  ”   maybe  she’s  rubbing  off  on  him  but  he’s  incredibly  fond  of  her  writing  him  into  her  will ,  however  morbid  that  may  seem .  

as  she'll  fuel  him  with  the  hunger  he'd  held  back ,  there's  a  gentle  tug  at  his  lips .  jae  has  imagined  how  a  kiss  with  eva  would  feel ,  anticipated  it  with  incredibly  high  expectations …  and  with  such  an  ease ,  she's  immediately  exceeded  them .  he's  reciprocating  her  force  just  as  easily ,  a  hand  brushing  through  her  hair  to  hold  her  close  to  him  as  he'll  feel  hers  on  his  neck .  even  if  he  got  the  head  start  ,  she's  taken  the  lead  —  and  for  once  in  his  life  he'll  gladly  accept  the  silver  instead  of  gold .  it’s  unexpected  how  she’ll  pull  away  and  for  a  moment  he’s  expecting  some  form  of  scolding ,  a  push  against  him  to  separate  them ,  but  instead  their  closeness  remains  and  he’ll  glance  to  her  with  curious  eyes  . “  i  know .  "  jae  murmurs ,  his  lips  connecting  with  hers  again  for  a  moment  only  to  part  once  more ,  as  if  to  confirm  to  her  that  it  doesn't  mean  anything ,  it  won't  change  anything  —  and  he  knows  that .  he's  not  using  it  as  a  means  to  hope  for  a  different  outcome ,  simply  craves  her  in  ways  the  both  of  them  always  knew  he  did .  his  initial  intentions  have  always  been  clear  ,  they  haven't  changed  ,  but  there's  additions ,  unexpected  moments  of  theirs  that  cling  to  his  thoughts  and  force  him  to  discover  a  different  kind  of  desire  in  needing  her  this  close .  ” i  know .  “  he'll  say  again ,  a  soft  sigh  escaping  from  his  nose  as  fingers  will   loosen  their  hold .  he's  not  frustrated  with  her ,  just  the  lack  of  her  he'll  inevitably  come  to  know ,  how  this  is  it .    "  but  you're  here  now ,  "  jae  kisses  her  again ,  first  on  her  lips ,  then  landing  ever  so  gently  across  her  jaw ,  once ,  twice .  "  can  we  focus  on  that  ?   "  he'll  whisper  toward  her  ear ,  trailing  his  lips  across  her  skin  as  his  legs  will  bend  slightly ,  palms  sliding  across  her  thighs  to  lift  her  up  before  he  searches  for  her  lips  again .    

– EVA CAN TELL THAT JAE DOESN'T ENTIRELY UNDERSTAND, and she doesn't expect him to. her position, as usual in her life, is unique, and she's accustomed to dealing with things alone. the thing that is different that there are four other people who know what it feels like to stand where she is. and still, she finds herself inclined to open her mouth to a fifth, to tell jae about this thing that she knows he might not understand and there's actually more comfort in the fact that he's trying than if he'd actually been successful. " i don't know, i think...the worst thing about it is that i probably didn't mean that much to him, that he was so important to me and all i wanted to do was prove this thing to him when i was just a pawn in his game. he could use me because i felt like that. i wish he would've thought of me in his last moments, but...no, my ego isn't that large, " eva admits. still, she thinks she deserves to haunt someone. " i'll keep that in mind, " she says, " but i don't think i've fully gathered all of my thoughts yet. though i think it might be strange...i like not associating you with caledonia, you know. " it's a strangely kind sentiment, though, and once again she will remember the quick way that she wrote him off as insensitive...that's probably just how he wanted her to think, because now she knows that he feels more than he'd like other people to believe.

" it can be both, " she retorts, because all self preservation does take a bit of stubbornness. that said, he's not WRONG. he brought that on himself, though, if he hadn't been so arrogant then maybe she wouldn't have needed to be so stubborn. he always talks like a lawyer, every conversation is something you can win. that's probably why she anticipates some sort of witty answer, some retort masked with a charming smile as an attempt to distract her, but she actually doesn't quite know what to make of his words. " you sound like you're talking about a journey rather than a person, " she laughs, although she likes that. he's looking at her like he's thinking of more words than the ones that he's saying, but eva doesn't push it. the smile that lights up his features looks so genuine, she doesn't want to ruin it. " you got it, " she pauses, she can't help it, she's grinning back at him with eyes just as bright, " though you really should quit. it's a terrible habit. " it'll probably be what kills her, if it's not her own recklessness.

eva expected some form of acceptance from him, probably because he'd already established that he'd say anything to fuck her and he wasn’t shy about it, but it's so soft that she almost forgets to kiss him back out of surprise. it should make her shy away. after all, eva is someone that says that she's not interested in any kind of desire that weighs more heavily than lust, she doesn’t know how to handle something like that, but in the same breath she's addicted to it : if you don't love her, you should kiss her as if you do. she wants the energy that makes her knees feel weak, that makes it impossible to think about anything else but the moment that you're completely caught up in, and she’s having fun forgetting exactly where she ends and jae begins. she's confused at first when he breaks the kiss again, the frustration lingering in his voice causes warmth to bloom in her cheeks the color of overripe peaches. she can tell he doesn't want her to go, that his reasons are selfish. " we can, " she agrees, " but you'll have to shut up first. " as if she's not the one who interrupted them in the first place, which is probably why there's a moment of laughter that follows the gasp when jae lifts her up effortlessly. her legs wrap around him tightly, holding herself up a bit to kiss him back with certainty and aggression, like she feels the need to assert the same sense of control after he's just manhandled her a little. like most things, eva knows that this moment is fleeting, that in a certain amount of time ( depending on how long he lasts ) this will be over and she'll have to hold on to it like any other memory. eva also thinks that it will be a good one, so, she listens to his advice because she's here right now. she'll focus on that.

[ofeva]

oofjaemin​

“  i  don’t , “  he’ll  wave  off  gently .  “  sometimes  it  can  be  beneficial ,  though .  ”  he  says ,  though  jae  doesn’t  really  label  himself  as  anything ,  he  just  wants  to  counter  her  for  the  sake  of  it .  “  i  wouldn’t  call  you  predictable . . ”  but  he’ll  purposely  trail  off  as  if  he  does  think  so . .   after  all ,  he  predicted  she’d  give  in  eventually  and  she  did .   “  i  don’t  really  do  the  whole  date  thing ,  so ,  no .  i’m  all  yours . ”

– “YOU’RE JUST BEING DIFFICULT,” SHE SAYS, pointing out the fact that he’s saying words that don’t really mean anything to her. “ if you ever catch me labeling myself as anything, i’m probably lying to you, ” jury’s out on if she’s even telling the truth now. eyes narrow slightly, though it’s almost playful. even if he thinks so, he’s wrong. “ then i wouldn’t say you’re all mine, ” eva points out, “ pretty presumptuous to assume i’d even want you...you know what they say : been there, done that. ” 

[ofeva]

coleconnerhq​

“Like you could do better,” he tests, wry grin on his face as he looks over to her. She can either accept that he’s right, or try to prove him wrong, but that would mean having dole out a compliment to him, and he’s excited to see which option she chooses. “So you’re not coming back, then,” Cole says, not a question as he reads between the lines. He frowns, stubbornly not wanting to follow orders from her, but sighs as he takes a step closer anyway and tilts his chin up slightly to give her more space.

– “YOU’LL NEVER KNOW,” SHE JUST SHRUGS, but she finds it funny that he’s finally engaging with her like this. everything that it has taken for her to finally land on his radar, for him to recognize that their footing could be equal...was it WORTH it ? if she looks back on the past year, she thinks yes. there’s nothing about any of this that she would change, but she also recognizes that this chapter of her life is over now, and maybe after tonight, she’ll never see cole again. what a strange thing, after she’d felt so all-consumed by her spite for him. she will have to find a new obsession. “ no, i think i’m pretty much done here. don’t you ? ” she asks, reaching out to fix his tie, nimble fingers working on the knot. it still catches her off-guard that the desire to strangle him with it isn’t there. she finishes tying and pats him on the chest once before she steps back, “ there, you look less disheveled, ” she smiles slightly. “ what about you ? do you know what you’re doing ? ” 

[ofeva]

tillylongfellow​

“i don’t think that makes you an idiot at all.” tilly wishes she had more of that energy, because her impulse is always either to give up or settle. she can’t imagine eva ever settling for second best with anything, which is probably why it’s so difficult for her to feel at home. “i think striving towards something is admirable, and…resilient. i’d be really sad if you ever stopped hoping that every new place could be what you’ve been looking for.” she gets it, too, the fear of wanting something too much and getting disappointed. at this point, it feels inevitable, but logically she knows they’re both too young to be jaded. are you implying tilly isn’t pretentious. “well, i wouldn’t recommend it. but you could google the house.” the architecture firm responsible is probably still available, though tilly doesn’t exactly have nike money. “ever thought about moving to portland?” she suggests, half-joking, half-smiling, because that’s where the actual house is. “the fact that i know that even with immortality, i’d never get to read all the books i want…i can’t helping reading two or three at a time.” it could make her feel sad if she thought about it the wrong way, but she finds it more reassuring. like no matter what she does, she’ll never run out of books. “really?” it’s surprising, for a lot of reasons. “i could think of a lot of better things to say. but i’m glad you liked that one.” tilly finds it hard to imagine eva ever living longterm in a house without a decent library. “i hope not?” she laughs nervously. “i know it’s probably…stressful, that i…um, like you too much, but i really don’t want to think about the possibility of not talking to you all the time, let alone never again.”

– EVA SMILES SOFTLY AT THAT, almost like she knew tilly was going to say it but there’s a COMFORT in that, an ease. being around tilly is a new sensation for her, something she’s never felt around a person ; it’s more like curling up in bed after a long day, finally catching your breath after you’ve been running for a long time, or the first sip of water the morning after you’ve had an entire bottle of red wine. she’s not sure if she’s discovered a new sort of person in tilly, or it’s just new to her. “ well, i’ll stop hoping when i FIND it, i guess. i would like to think that eventually...it will all just make sense, ” her shoulders rise and fall in half a shrug. “ i’ve never thought about living in america, honestly, but maybe i’ll google it now and think twice, ” she laughs, though perhaps she should start to think more outside of her bubble : though you can’t blame her if her distaste for americans has only GROWN after this past semester at gallagher, now she’s got a real reason to dislike them. and no one knows how to make a decent cup of tea. “ true, they’ll always be published at a rate faster than we can get to them, and it’s impossible to know how much you’ll love it until you’ve started it, so there’s no way to start with what you’ll love most to be sure you can experience it. but...that’s part of the ADVENTURE, i think, never knowing what to expect, never running out of things to experience, ” she says. eva frowns lightly. she doesn’t want to say it’s stressful, because it’s not, it’s the first time in her life she ever felt chosen by anyone. she just feels like she was wholly unprepared to be enough to be worth it. “ then let’s not think about it, ” she shakes her head, “ though there’s something nice about memories, i think. sure, there’s the future, however uncertain and potentially lovely. but memories exist forever, there’s nothing uncertain about that. that’s...what’s comforting me right now. ” 

[ofeva]

christiantcrres​

“You think you’ll keep in touch with anyone here?” He knows Eva has made some important connections, and it’s mainly because of the days he used to keep an eye on her for his task. All of the other ex agents had built some important connections. “I’d argue there’s hardly anything safe about being here.” Not when there was a literal murderer on campus last year, and three student deaths in a single year. But also, spyhood and safety don’t really exist in the same sentence. He smiles at her words, nodding. “Yeah, it’s never defined us. It was stifling for me here, to be honest.” He’d take a life of instability, moving from city to city, country to county, and all the adventures and hardships that came with it over this. He chuckles at her callout. “You got me there. Thanks. Italy’s got pretty nice places to race in.” He takes a drag from his smoke. “You know, if you ever need anything, let me know. Even if we’re in different countries.”

– “I DON’T THINK SO,” SHE SAYS WISTFULLY, because she’s just not usually the type to keep in touch. in all honesty, she isn’t sure, and it’s too big of a question for christian to ask her and to expect a direct and honest answer. “ i suppose, but is there really anything safe about being anywhere ? don’t tell me that you’re going to be SAFE when you’re back on the open road, barely forgetting to buckle your seatbelt, ” she points out, jabbing an accusatory finger into his chest when she looks up at him. eva still doesn’t completely understand how he got roped up in this caledonia stuff in the first place, but she does wonder if she’s partially responsible in some way. “ have you been before ?” she asks, though she’s most interested in the idea that a guy founded on instability would chase after a girl. eva wishes she’d met her. “ right, after you snuck around behind my back for a semester ? ” she teases, “ i’ll think about it. ” 

[ofeva]

coleconnerhq​

“I think I was complimenting it, but I can’t be sure,” Cole remarks back— mainly because he can’t be sure he’s ever offered her a casual compliment in passing— but he looks down at the bowtie hanging down the front of his shirt when she mentions it and sighs. “It felt silly to dress up, and I suppose I really couldn’t be bothered this time,” he tells her, then takes a large drink from his glass, wishing it was alcohol. “I’ll take ‘guy in a suit’ over anything else these days.”

– “YOU DIDN’T DO A VERY GOOD JOB,” she almost laughs, “ you might want to practice that a little more. ” still, a genuine compliment from cole in its most pure form would probably make her pass away, so it’s definitely for the best ! “ it’s our last gala in this godforsaken place, i think we owe to ourselves to leave looking our best, ” she beckons him forward, though it’s more of a demand than an offer, “ let me fix it. ” when she continues to be the mom of the squad even though they’ve mostly disbanded. 

[ofeva]

oofjaemin​

“  you  would  say  that ,  ”  jae  points  out ,  gentle  smile  on  his  lips .  “  you’re  right ,  though  —  and  the  grey  areas  are  where  most  of  the  fun  happens .  ”   gaze  flickers  over  her ,  softness  in  his  lips  fading  as  he  grins .  their  grey  area  had  been  pretty  fun .  “   yeah  ?  you  could  have  just  found  me  if  you  needed  help  to  relax  —  i’d  have  been  more  than  happy  to  give  you  a  hand .  ” 

– “WELL, WHY TIE YOURSELF TO ONE PARTICULAR LABEL?” SHE SAYS, a long sip from the champagne flute in her hand, “ though i’d hate the idea that i’m becoming predictable. ” he looks so smug that it’s impossible to keep from rolling her eyes, reminds her why she hadn’t wanted to touch him in the first place. “ your date tonight wouldn’t have a problem with that ? ”