offensivekabuki

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It's my 11 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

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These past few months our friendly relationship and conversation has gotten a lot better, or so i thought...

Few weeks ago I asked her if she wants a 2f apple kombucha, and she declined. Then I told her if she have any recipe or request about kombucha, I will make one for her. So that I stopped giving her any unless she wants one.

Because of that, now I got less ice breaking conversation to talk to her.

Due to some misunderstanding, I haven't talked to her for a week...

Oh my f god...

I fcking miss to talk to her

I fcking miss to listen to her ranting

I fcking miss to hear to her angelic voice

I fcking miss to gaze at her lovely face while listening to her voice

I fcking miss her...

Omg why tf i miss someone who is not my half, who has significant other who is not me...

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Day by day, our conversation, either texting or talking, has gotten better.

But to me, there's one thing missing in our conversation...

She's never calling me iran-chan anymore...

I missed being called that name...

The last time I was called like that was a few months ago...

For i do not know why she's stop calling me like that...

Now I may never get one anymore...

To others, it may seem trivial...

But to me...

It was one of the best feeling I got whenever called iran-chan by her

Day by day, I've been waiting to be called like that again...

Day by day, my hope of being called like that becomes less and less...

Day by day, my heart feels lost for not being called like that anymore...

Day by day, I got less and less reason to stay here anymore...

Day by day....

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It's been a few weeks since I got back from Thailand, which was initially planned as steps to get close to San-chan. I spent 2 days in Hatyai and 2 days in Krabi. During that time, I and San-chan were constantly messaging each other. Maybe on her part, she was trying to be informative and supportive, but to me, I just wanna feel like she's there with me. I know it's kinda pathetic to feel that way, but it was the real reason why I was even interested in going to Thailand.

During the first day in Hatyai, I was looking for the nearest 7e, just to make sure I have something to text San-chan. We were mostly talking about snacks and beverages, and also interesting locations in Hatyai.

When we arrived in Krabi, the text I sent her only in a single tick, meaning the text didn't reach her at that time. Even though I was sightseeing with my friends, I was constantly checking if the text reached her. She only replied to the text the next day in the afternoon while strolling in Ao Nang beach. To hide my happiness, I let the message sit for a while before replying.

When I was going back to work, I saw her and within my heart, I really really missed seeing her and hearing her voice. But the next day she was on leave and I was thinking maybe it's just a day. Boy, I was fcking wrong.... She's on leave the whole week. I can feel my emotions about to break into tears...

In my mind, I really wanted to ask her where she was going, but I was afraid that she'll be annoyed with that kind of question. Because last time when I asked a personal question, we weren't talking for 2 months, as an aftermath. I cannot go through that again.

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There's been a lot of things happening since my last post. We went out a few times, I confessed to her that I love her, and she explained to me she has a significant other who is working overseas.

Since that day, there has been a lot of awkwardness between us. We can't talk like we used to, we stopped going out together, and the dynamics between our messages had shifted... Like strangers.

It's been a month since we had our last meaningful conversation. During that period I accepted the fact that I can't be having a loving relationship with her, and I still want to be at her side as a close friend.

But the damage has been done. The overwhelming awkwardness influences our friendship. And i feel miserable for not talking to her for over a month. Not that I ignored her, but since that day, every time whenever I am trying to talk to her, the awkwardness stopped me from continuing the conversation.

But it is not only on my side. She seems to end our messages quickly and in a weird way. And I didn't know how to keep messaging her after that.

Now, while I want to be her close friend, I am not sure she wants to. And if she keeps ending our messages without ending the topic properly, I don't have any other way to convince her I want to be her close friend.

Maybe this is one of the relationships that have a date of expiry....

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Last week, to keep the story short, after talking about onion and garlic, San-chan asked me to cook her one instant noodle dish. While I agreed, that thing also makes me nervous, because never once in my life, someone outside my family asks me to make lunch.

So in preparation, I bought a pack of curry noodles, a pack of chicken sausage, oyster sauce, and ketchup, since I already have soy sauce, chilly sauce and fish sauce at home.

That night, I tried to make some for myself using a recipe I found online, which is a gravy curry noodles. And it was quite good. Then, in the morning, I make the same recipe for two people. And it was weird. The taste was off by a lot, and the only thing I could taste was spiciness. Because of that, I poured that thing into the sink.

Then I tried to make fried curry noodles for two people. The taste was mediocre, and that makes me nervous to give that to San-chan.

That morning, I told San-chan about the noodles taste and she doesn't mind about eating it. During lunch, I was anxious when she picked up the noodles using a chopstick and tasted it. And she said the taste was okay.

For me, an okay feedback from her meant marvelous for me

Then I asked her what I should add and remove from my fried noodles. Her pointer was:

1. Change from sweet soy sauce to salted soy sauce.

2. Less chilli sauce

3. No ketchup

4. Less other sausage brands because the one I used was sweet

5. Some pak choy

I hope in the near future, she will ask again so I can make a tastier instant noodles lunch for her.

Oh, and a colleague takes some pictures of us during lunch and sends them to me. I'm gonna treasure the moment forever...

Even if she doesn't love me back...

[offensivekabuki]

Between half of '22 and half of '23, the things that kept me at night were

-my bench

-my squat

-my rows

-my macros

-my 7 hours sleep for progressive overload and growths

-my income

-my mechanical design portfolio (sometimes)

Now? I'm quite losing track about all of the above because

My imaginary hope of love to San-chan

I'm going back and forth between hoping and giving up, and it is occurs daily. Day by day, giving up was quite strong compared to the other one.

Now, I'm not sure what was my mistake. Its was either

- left my last company

- living alone

- started to like San-chan for her quirky walking pace.

Because since then, I have a shitty mental health. I'm crying alone at night, I shedding tears while scrolling socmed, and started to lose some sleep thinking about my one sided love.

OMFG.... At least I'm not weeping when I failed my PR bench.

I need to leave. I think that was the ultimate final solution.

I miss my mental health, how strong it was back then...

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I felt miserable for the whole week during Chinese New Year. Not only I cannot see her, I also couldn't message her because I need to respect her time with her beloved family. I wouldn't dare to stay at home, alone because I would end up weeping at night. I was counting the day that I will see her again.

I saw her on Monday, but I don't really have the chance to speak to her, since she was overwhelmed with tasks. Since I thought that there was no chance to have a conversation with her, I took a quite long lunch break on Friday. But when I returned to the office, I saw Lay's potato chips on my desk. I asked one of my coworkers about who put the potato chips there. I was secretly hoping it was San.

Yep it was her. Within my heart, I am really happy it was her. Although maybe it was only a fraction of her time, I was really happy she thought about me.

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Today was the last day I saw her before Chinese New Year. I didn't ask her, but I figured she will be taking at least 1 week of leave, until the next two Mondays. I was waiting for the opportunity to have a light convo with her, but almost every time there will be somebody taking away that opportunity, either talking to me or her. Until almost everyone clocked out and only a few people remained, I tried to start a convo with her. At first I just wanted to give her (or receive) a simple goodbye, but ended up with a lengthy convo, mostly about her past trips to Thailand and her advice on my upcoming trip. Even though I was satisfied that I talked a lot with her, I am still hating myself that I chickened out about asking to hang out with her today at a restaurant after work. Now, I already started to think about not seeing her and not talking to her for more than a week... I even barely hold myself for not seeing her for a weekend, let alone more than a week.

Ah, one thing that reminded me earlier, this morning I had a lengthy discussion about my work. After ending the discussion about 2 hours, one of my close colleague said loudly to me "go to smoke?" Since they were aware of my habit, but then I remembered when last week San said about don't associate smokes with stress. Then I got a message from her saying "please hold yourself".... I'm not sure how she feels about it but

That message means a world to me

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For some reason, our conversation got a lot better. The day after she decided to not join our trip, she tried to approach me. It's not that I want to ignore her, it's just I couldn't look at her without shedding tears. But I did reply to her greeting, which is just a simple bye.

That evening, acknowledging her effort to repair our friendly relationship, I started a simple conversation with her. And that night was the worst cry I ever had. It was all my fault... I put too much hope and imagination into our imaginary relationship.

But day after day, we started talking about a lot of things. Either talking to each other or messaging, our conversation becomes a lot better. I started to think that it was me who put too much pressure on her about the trip. Maybe next time I should approach her a little lighter. I want to apologize to her, when the timing is right.

She may take a week off next week due to Chinese New Year. I will not see her for a week or more. Omg 😱 😭

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The day after, my leg almost gave up walking the stairs unto the workplace.

Heartbroken, when she gave the clue that she was still in someone embrace.

Too much hope, I put on our imaginary relationship.

Fck this, I was a lot happier when I'm not hopeful.

Being hopeful, gave me a false sense of happiness.

Happiness, does exist, just not for me.

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I feel lost, but can't ask for help. I needed someone, but all I have is myself.

She's cancelled on our trip.

At that point, I know there's no hope for our imaginary relationship.

Steps that I planned, all fall into Hel.

That night, no rain can mask my tears.

That night, no lullaby can swing me into sleep.

That night, I found comfort in Yami.

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These two weeks, which haven't ended yet, I feel like being tied up in a super engineered roller coaster. And these weeks will end, either in a good or bad way, which i just hope it's just fckng end either way, next Monday. It's because of our plan ( me, san, and two colleagues) to get away for a few days starting to fall apart.

Monday - excited

Initially she's ok with being the only girl in our group travel. But at that time we didn't discuss in detail about the activity available around the city A.

Tuesday - excited

She joined our light discussion in a restaurant after work. We started to change the plan to city B due to her suggestion on numbers of activities available. And also scenery.

Wednesday - anxious

She said she needed to ask for her family permission because the date of our trip was overlapping with the end of the festival celebration.

Thursday - still anxious

Friday - anxious, and then happy

At first she was reluctant to follow us, then i found out the reason (or made up reason) is because she didn't want to be left alone when the boys go out at night. Then i tell her that i prefer to visit convenience stores at night, to learn the cultural differences. Then she agrees to follow us as long as i can keep my word about the convenience stores visit.

Saturday - still happy

Sunday - still happy

Monday - i told her that i need her full name and passport ID to buy tickets for the whole group. But for whatever reason, she is reluctant to give the information, and i suggest her to buy tickets for us instead. But since i just knew that whenever....

Sorry, I can't continue. Keep writing this post breaks my heart and soul...

[offensivekabuki]

It's been a while since my last post. In this period, i gave her two 2F kombuchas. The first one was orange flavored, and the second was goji berry. Both were one week apart.

The night she tasted the orange flavored, she immediately messaged me (maybe) about the taste and fizziness of the booch. She said the booch was tasty, too sweet and only had a little fizzy. Either way, I'm still happy that I was able to make her that booch.

Today she said the goji berry booch taste was quite intense. I was chuckled because i realized my mistake after the second day of 2F. This booch carbonation was quite explosive, overflowing almost every day, until the 4th day, then I started to put it inside the fridge.

I just started brewing a 2F cranberry flavored booch today. She makes it clear that I shouldn't use too much cranberry, as I used too much goji berry in the previous one. She said only use 10 pieces of cranberries in 1L of kombucha. Then I said I feel skeptical about that amount, as I feel it is too little to change the color and flavour of the booch. After that, she does some quick maths and comes up with an answer.

1L = 20 pieces of cranberries + 10g of sugar

I followed her formula exactly, but i could feel that I will fck this up because when I stirred the 1F booch, the yeast that rested at the bottom of the jar makes the booch become quite opaque. I am scared that the yeast will overrun the booch and ruin the flavor and stunt the good bacteria.

But

Today I was able to convince her to join a trip. She feels uncertain since she will be the only female on this trip, and feels that she will be left alone when the boys go out looking for an entertainment that might not be suitable for her. The reason that she changed her mind is because I stated that my main purpose of this trip is to experience the environment of the convenience stores in our neighboring country. I am not lying, that is my main reason, as I saw an influencer on Instagram showed her itinerary based on convenience stores.

When she is convinced that she will not be left alone, she decides to join the trip and wants to show me the differences in the culture of convenience stores in that country.

I didn't show it, but i am excited to walk around the tourist city with her next month. I hope this trip will make her see me as a reliable vacation partner. Also I want to chat with her a lot, so I can learn more about her.

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Today is the last day before a new year. Although there is an urge in me to ask her out, I am still scared to do that. Let's talk about last week.

Last week, while hanging out with a close colleague, I asked him to ask San to go on vacation together. Because of that, he realized I have a feeling for San. And he agreed to that. But he was curious why I just straight away asked her. And I told him that it is not easy for me to do that.

The day after that, while talking about sports injuries, San revealed about a certain person who explained to her about the treatment cost (MRI, etc). She did not tell the relationship between that person and her, but l know she was talking about either her SO or former SO.

Actually, last week I was determined to distance myself from her, because I feel like I will never get together with her. I was purposely not initiating or involved in any conversation with her. But later in the evening someone said the word 'kombucha', then she remembered that she wanted to ask something to me.

Hearing her voice, I forgot about distancing myself. Because

I can't get enough of that angelic voice

Oh man.... FML. I do not know what to do now. I also realized that there is no one like her. She is the absolute example of one in a million.

If i remember correctly, one hour before the end of office hours, someone from the finance office called and asked for her. After ending the call, she asked me, do I know who's calling her. I said I did not know. She said it's I** from finance. I said Oh. Then she asked, do I want to get introduced to her. I said I did not want to. Oh man that offer hurts like hell.

Btw, I am determined to stop consuming alcohol because I read somewhere that alcohol can cause depressive disorder, which I have experienced lately, even just a few sip, especially on weekends. So, for now, the only fermentation hobby for me is making kombucha.

[offensivekabuki]

10 posts!

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Today was the last day of work before Xmas. I was quite needed to focus on a task at hand. And i also brought her the grape homemade wine that i offered to her.

Nothing much happened today, we were just talking about the color of kombuchas (yes i did two) that i started yesterday. Then we were focused on our job.

And it's Friday, the day that I feared because of a single reason; not being able to see her until Monday. To make things worse (for me), the whole country is on holiday on Monday due to Xmas. To make things much much worse (still, for me), she is on leave next Tuesday. But since I knew about it earlier, so I can be ready for it (for not being able to see her). That means it will be a total of 4 days for me not being able to see her. oh god 😭

Then just before she went home, i gave her the wine and we exchanged the parting greet. It was rare for us to say bye to each other (i don't know about her, but for me i was pretending not to care). A simple bye from her makes me feel good about everything, even at the time of writing.

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But i just realized it's been a while since I spent time with my nephews. Maybe tomorrow I will go back to my hometown, meet my nephews, and sleep for a day or two.

..... I need to take a break from being miserable alone at home....