officialquinnfabray

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++ only hope

It’d been work. A lot of late nights. A lot of bickering fights, even a few until 3AM. But after a momentary lapse in judgement, a few silent hours, Quinn had made a decision. Would she be miserable and stand her ground, let the other girl fall through her fingers? Or would she make the decision to hold onto everything they’d worked for. The latter was more of an inevitability, than a decision. 

She’d flown to New York on a redeye, chasing down the girl as if they hadn’t seen each other hours before. Chasing her down to show her that she’d spend every last cent, every last hour of her time, to make it work. 

And here they laid on their weekend off, finally without flights, and schedules, with one sleeping all day to recover from a night shoot and the other coming home to their partner wide awake while they were exhausted from working all day. 

But it was worth it. Rachel would always be worth it. Now? They were settled i a hotel just outside of Onyx, the only one that wasn’t a motel 6, with Quinn’s arm slipped around Rachel’s body as they woke up slowly and gradually, letting the streaks of sunshine act as a natural alarm clock, without any blaring sound. As they did, Quinn made soft sounds of satisfaction, holding her lover closer, her lips grazing  Rachel’s hair, eventually making their way to her shoulder, her neck, her cheek. It was a game that was played each morning, one who’s only prize was remembering Rachel was there. 

“Are we going to stay here all day?” Quinn whispered, slipping her hand to splay out on Rachel’s stomach, her eyes still barely open. “I wouldn’t mind,” She smiled softly, lazily as her lips rested in the crook of Rachel’s neck. “The lake sounds wonderful. But I haven’t had the time to ravish you in a while.” Her words were muffled by Rachel’s skin, and Quinn couldn’t be happier at the sound and the feeling. 

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castle // halsey

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No offense to God, but          every thing my mother prayed I wouldn’t be, I became. Every place she prayed I wouldn’t go, I went.     I walked so long I found Mercy.          I draped her thighs over my shoulders & drank.

Hiwot Adilow, “Mihret,” published in Nepantla (via bostonpoetryslam)

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officialrachelbxrry:

It was a little hard to convince herself that Quinn was telling the truth. Just a little, because while there was an annoying in her ears telling her that Quinn was just saying all those words to keep her from throwing tantrums — she knew her lover, her Quinn, and she knew how much they needed each other in more ways than just knowing that they were together. She knew that being in Quinn’s arms was the best part of her day, and Quinn also felt the same way, if the fact that she’d hold Rachel a little too tighter whenever she’d unknowingly move an inch or two from the blonde was to go by. Rachel knew that they needed each other so much, and maybe that single knowledge convinced her that, yes, Quinn would never ever lie to her; that Quinn would hate any space between them; that Quinn, with her calling Rachel Babygirl, had missed her just as much as Rachel missed her too.

“Silly girl,” Rachel said, her voice not louder than a whisper. “Losing your phone like that. What if someone manages to open it and sees our photos, huh?” She tried lightening up the mood by curling a playful, albeit still shaky, smile on her face. Reaching up, she wiped Quinn’s tears from her cheek and leaned forward to press the softest kiss on the tip of her nose, then on both cheeks before planting one on her lips — the lips she missed so much. “I feel like you���ve taken all the words from my mouth, so I’ll just say that I feel the same way, Quinn Fabray. All the time.  I want all of you; anxieties and insecurities included. I’d rather have you in whole than anything else, baby. Nothing could ever pull me away from you. You’ve taken my heart from me, all right? It’s in your hands; it’s so easy for you to hurt me with simple things, so… try not to, honey.” Rachel chuckled softly, then moved so she could wrap her arms around Quinn, taking a second or two to revel in the feeling of having Quinn so close to her after such a long time. However, she couldn’t really stay for long, could she? Letting out a soft sigh, Rachel pulled back to press another kiss on Quinn’s lips, before getting off of the bed. “I’m glad that we talked, Quinn. I’m really relieved to know that you’re not planning on breaking up with me just yet. Perhaps, while I’m in town, we could go out and have a nice meal at your favorite restaurant. For now… I need sleep; it’s been a rather long day. My things are at Santana’s, so… I’ll be there.” Bending down slightly, Rachel cupped her lover’s face and claimed her lips in a longer and deeper kiss, before straightening up with a soft, regretful sigh. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

It was okay- everything should be okay. Right? They weren’t breaking up. Rachel seemed slightly forgiving. But dread rose up in Quinn’s stomach, her eyes prickling with tears she wouldn’t let fall. She was leaving. She was going to another girl’s house. Things felt so different now. Their connection- that spark on her fingertips whenever she touched her. The feeling of heaven in her kiss. Now? With only a perhaps, with only the promise of a lunch, rather than a night of passion, of memorizing each other’s bodies down to the last inch. 

Rachel’s kiss just filled her stomach with a bubbling anxiety. But Quinn was an actress afterall. “Whatever you want.” She said, smiling, reaching out and squeezing her hand carefully. “I’m going to just get a new phone if it doesn’t come by tomorrow- I’ll get you the number some how.” It almost felt like she was reading lines of a script rather than speaking. Their story felt so far away. Something in her chest was screaming to fix it. To write in a new scene, a new ending. To go back and edit. But Quinn felt worse about them than she had in weeks. 

She let go of Rachel’s hand, knowing that she would have to do something- something different. Quinn would text, and call, travel to New York when her schedule allowed - even when it didn't. Even as wave after wave of dread coiled over her like a sun beam, she thought to herself, that if Rachel left her- it wouldn’t be her fault. That she would hold on until there was nothing holding onto her. Self destructive? Maybe. But there was so much more to them than even she knew. A future unwritten. Maybe they had gotten caught up in sex, and infatuation. But Quinn didn’t want to love anyone else. Didn’t want to go back to finding someone each night to make her feel good about herself. 

She stood up on jelly filled legs, catching Rachel’s hand and pulling her into a kiss. A kiss that stood for everything that was crawling under her skin, ricocheting on her insides. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” She said gently, letting their noses bump as she pulled back, her eyes opening slowly. “There’s a key for you by the door if you want it.” With one last brush of her fingertips along Rachel’s arm, she turned, and walked to her bathroom, needing to drown everything that was dragging her into herself, threatening to tug her under. 

w e a k  e n o u g h +009

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via weheartit

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😒 😒

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the only hope for me is you // my chemical romance

- requested by @thedaisymae

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officialrachelbxrry: 

Rachel promised to herself that she would never repeat thesame mistakes she did before in herlife — way before she met Quinn in that club and, later on, when sheconfronted her because of her smoking habit. Up until this point, Rachelthought she was doing a good job; sending messages to her girlfriend regularly,always letting her know that she loved her in spite of the challenges they wereput through by having to live in opposite sides of the same town and, mostimportantly, not pushing Quinn to dosomething about their living arrangements. No matter how much Rachel would loveto live with Quinn, she knew that her girlfriend still had reservations when itcame to the degree of commitment their relationship currently had. And, really,she was doing great at that – only focusing on pouring her love for Quinn andnever minding other things, all whilst trying to make sure that she wasn’tbeing… too much.

So, when the text messages started dwindling down and thetone of Quinn’s texts began sounding a bit too bland to be considered a lover’smessage, Rachel began considering the worse. Quinn had probably realized thatRachel was too much; realized that she could do better than a Broadway Starturned Big Screen actress; realized that she was better off without a woman whodemanded nothing but (even the littlest) time, attention, and love from hergirlfriend. Those were the assumptions which caused her to withdraw from thetexting business as well; instead, she called her best friend, Santana, andsought comfort in her. The fiery Latina, in spite of their history, was alwaysready to distract her from her misery, and did not hesitate in expressing herdispleasure for the blonde, spitting things like sending her butt to hell andshoving a bigger stick up the same place which was shoved to hell.

The Latina’s rantinghad given her a brief break from her sadness, offering her a little bit ofcomic relief and much needed laughter – but it was just that: brief. There came a point when the shortage in replies andcalls finally pushed Rachel to make a decision. She could only take too muchthinking, and at which point, she already had enough. She drove to the otherside of L.A, dropped her bags at Santana’s, just in case the night wouldn’t endin her favor, then made her way to Quinn’s apartment whilst building a muchneeded protective barrier around her heart.

It took quite a few minutes of bribing and convincing forthe doorman to let Rachel in Quinn’s apartment, and when she finally foundpurchase on the blonde’s bed, it was only then that it hit her: she was mostprobably breaking up with Quinn Fabray. The thought alone left a permanentfrown on her face, which had Rachel feeling so pathetic because she just can’tseem to pull her lower lip back to where it should be and look like an adultinstead of a kid who seemed like she was about to get some scolding. It onlygot worse when the blonde finally arrived home, and when their eyes met, tearsautomatically began filling up Rachel’s eyes to the brink. She kept her handson either side of her thighs on the bed, feeling so small and vulnerable as shefollowed Quinn’s movements with her eyes, mouth merely moving but definitelydelivering the words she wanted to say for this visitation.

“Baby, I would never.”

“I love you.”

“I missed you so much.”

These were the only words that her brain registered andRachel was ecstatic, yet apprehensive at the same time. Were they true? Or wasQuinn simply saying those things to placate her tears and avoid a full-on Diva Bawling? Either way, Rachel reachedup and covered the blonde’s hand with her own, head turning to place thesoftest kiss on the palm of her lover’s hand. She’d truly missed her, and beingthere with her in flesh was almost too painful to register.

“I missed you too,” Rachel confessed later on, the corner ofher lips still tugging down on their own accord, but a little less than theydid before. “And I’m sorry if I was too clingy. I really am. Please never breakup with me-“ A pause, followed by a choking sob. “I’m really trying hard not tobe, so if I failed, I’m really sorry, Quinn. I didn’t mean to. I just missedyou so much. Everything just became too much for me, and not even Santana couldkeep me from thinking of the worse regarding us both — our relationship. Iwanted to give you space – I really did – because I was afraid that I waspushing you away. It’s why I stopped messaging you as often as I did before.But Santana told me to just… come over and get things over and done with.”

Quinn let Rachel finish, mentions of Santana stirring up a jealousy, a possessiveness that Rachel hadn’t had to see, her fingers holding a little tighter on Rachel’s shoulders, pressing a little closer. Even as Rachel’s words tugged at her heartstrings, her thoughts of Santana seemed to pull out the green tone of her skin. She shook it off as well as she could, raising her hands to Rachel’s cheeks again, her body still closer than it was. It broke her heart that Rachel ever thought things were like this- even if the insecurities of the blonde had probably gotten the best of her. Had grabbed at her chest like a vice and convinced herself that the distances was too much, that Rachel was going to get sick of her. But having the girl here in her arms? And the kindling of flame that came with any talk of Santana, Quinn was determined to prove Rachel otherwise. “Babygirl,” She whispered, leaning to press her forehead against the other’s, her eyes fluttering shut as the scent of Rachel’s perfume overwhelmed her. “You’re not too clingy. I want you so much closer, all the time.” She took a deep breath, letting it quiver slightly in her chest as she tried to find the words, opening her eyes close to Rachel’s. “I lost my phone, I was supposed to get it back today, but they put it in the mail instead of just giving it to me- anyway. I want to talk to you. I don’t want space. I hate any space between us. It’s disgusting to have my world filled with anything but you.” 

Shaking her head slightly, her thumb carefully brushed over Rachel’s cheek. “I know maybe- it may seem like I don’t want to talk sometimes. Or that I’m not around. I think the time apart was just getting to me. I was forgetting why someone as bright, and wonderful as you would ever want to be with me.” A tear dripped down her cheek as she pulled away slightly, just enough to breathe, her hand dropping to grip at Rachel’s t-shirt. “There is so much about me that I never wanted you to have to see. So many complexes and anxieties, and I’ve been trying so hard to put on a brave face and be the girl you want, and I obviously having been doing a good job. And I’m so sorry if I ever made you feel unwanted- feel,” Like Santana would be better. “like I would be able to last a day without you. I’m so sorry Rachel.”

w e a k  e n o u g h +009

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Was the emergency that it had been too long since you'd seen each other?

I don’t think the doorman would’ve accepted that. Even if it was true. 

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w e a k  e n o u g h +009

Quinn realized how spoiled she’d been, falling in love with someone who was stuck with her each and every day. Even when they had little spats, they had to see each other the next day- or even the worst nights, they had to wake up to each other in the morning because no matter how frustrated they became, it was never enough to tug them from a night together. Now? Living on different sides of town, with interviews, auditions, and jobs making it so it was hard to even think about doing anything in a bed other than sleeping. 

Missing each other every day with night shoots and morning filming was beginning to take a toll, at least on Quinn. Her mental state had never been the best, she wasn’t the most healthy person by far, and times like this made her feel scattered. She’d missed meetings and been late for interviews, she’d even left her phone on the set of a talk show and hadn’t realized until she was halfway home the day before. The blonde had walked through the door around 12 after being on a plane all night, letting out a shaky breath as she closed the door, leaning her forehead against it. It took her a few moments before she wanted to move, that second being the only time all day that she hadn’t been moving, that her world hadn’t been spinning. Dropping her things by the door, she moved towards her bedroom on muscle memory, her eyes lidded and her only thought being that she wished she was crawling into her lover’s bed- into her lover’s arms. 

That’s why, when she’d gotten to her bed, she took a moment to question her sanity as she saw Rachel sitting on her bed, blinking as she wondered if she was tired enough to hallucinate. That moment was too much, it seemed for the other girl, who was looking at her with the same tired eyes filled with tears. Asking things- things that Quinn couldn’t fathom. Saying things that made Quinn want to break. It felt like every bone in her body had compressed, like there was something heavy on her shoulders. 

“If you want to break up with me- now would be the time.”

“Rach-” Her voice was breathless, cracking at the seams. “Baby.” Her voice was no more than a whimper as she crossed the room, her fingertips going for Rachel, trying to touch any skin she could, to make contact before Rachel slipped through her fingers. “I would never.” Her jaw clenched, her hands resting on Rachel’s cheeks, softly, cautiously. 

It wasn’t till Rachel that Quinn realized she wasn’t the best at relationships. That being with someone had a lot more to do with charming them and sleeping with them. She got in her head a lot more than she realized, spacing out the world- something that became a problem when Rachel Berry became her world. “Baby, look at me.” Her fingers felt weak as they dropped from Rachel’s cheeks, pressing carefully at her girlfriend’s jaw, along the smooth skin of her neck. 

“I love you.” Her eyes flickered over Rachel’s face, trying to seek out this threat, this pain, this delusion that Quinn Fabray would ever be able to let go of Rachel Berry. “I can’t go a second without- thinking about your smile, or your eyes-” A sad smile curled over wet cheeks. “You.” 

Quinn had to admit the conditions hadn’t been the best, with them chasing each others texts, and phone calls growing few and far between. No matter how many times Quinn typed how much she loved and adored Rachel, and no matter how many times Rachel told Quinn how the blonde was her whole world, it was different. It was much, much different than the feeling they had when they were together. Like two pieces of the universe had finally pieced together. 

“I missed you so much.” Her pursed her lips as she tried to keep herself from crying, her fingers still hesitant on Rachel’s skin, barely pressing into Rachel’s shoulders, the pain on the girl’s face making Quinn feel shaky. “I’m-” She swallowed, biting at the inside of her cheek. “I’m so sorry I let you go for this long.” 

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Did she break in your apartment?

She talked up the doorman and convinced him it was an emergency.

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➥ @THEREALQUINNFABRAY uploaded a photo

The best thing about finding her in my apartment after a long day? She doesn't even have a key.

15 minutes ago

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phone → quinnbee + honeybee

rachel: hadn't expected her girlfriend to eventually agree to her request at seeing her through the screen, but her surprise was not enough to keep her from smiling quite widely once she saw her girlfriend's face on the screen. "Quinn!" She nearly squealed but managed to keep her voice at a minimum as she rolled on her side and placed the phone on the space in front of her. "Hi, baby. God, I miss you so much. It's so good to finally see your face." Scrunching her nose, Rachel waited a few more seconds for the pixels to settle down, and once the video was much clearer than before, she smiled softly and caressed her girlfriend's cheek on the screen with her finger. "How have you been? I hope you didn't skip any meals again."

quinn: scrunched her nose at the question, almost feeling her stomach grumbling from how empty it was. One thing among the hundreds of benefits of being around her girlfriend for the majority of her time in the past weeks, other than this week, was having someone to remind her to eat, and eat healthily. Without Rachel, some bad habits started to blossom forth again. "I didn't have time today, other than some breakfast, but I'll eat 3 square meals tomorrow, promise." Her smile curled into a smirk, her thoughts turning darker. "I wish you could be one of them though."

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phone → quinnbee + honeybee

rachel: scrunched her nose and pressed her lips tightly together to suppress her giddy giggle. It's been quite some time since the very first day they started expressing their affection for each other, but receiving such words from Quinn would never lose its effects on her. Shaking her head, as though ridding herself of her giddiness, she sighed softly and wrapped an arm around one of her pillows, taking comfort from it for the absence of her lover. "You're just saying that because you're. so. biased—" she chuckled softly, unable to help herself this time. "And I honestly love it, though I know that I shouldn't encourage such attitude, Miss Fabray." There was a momentary spike of excitement within her, but then she remembered how late it was, and as much as she'd love to see her girlfriend at this very moment, she knew that it was irrational to go out at that particular hour of the day — plus, the fact that Quinn was busy. "Baby, you don't have to do that, and honestly- I wouldn't mind staying up with you. Shooting doesn't start until one in the afternoon tomorrow because they've got some stuff to take care of during the morning." Sighing once again, she closed her eyes and put her phone on speakers, lips pressing lightly against the dark screen. "I just gave you a kiss through my phone's screen, by the way."

quinn: laughed gently, getting up and padding towards her bed. As disappointing as it was not seeing her girlfriend, it probably wasn't smart to walk out this late. "I appreciate the kiss, love." Laying out on her bed, she couldn't deny how tired she felt and how nice the mattress felt under her. "Hold on," Lifting the phone from her face, she pressed the Facetime button, yawning as she raised the camera to show her face. Her eyes almost fluttered shut, but at the sight of her girlfriend, her smile spread over her cheeks. "Hey baby." She whispered, letting her eyes look over the pixelated features of her lover.