oflotusandjasmine

[oflotusandjasmine]

Kedi (2016) dir. Ceyda Torun

[oflotusandjasmine]

She nodded silently. "Might," she repeated, avoiding her niece's gaze. "I'm... I know how you feel about the whole prospect of marriage. And I understand, truly. But... perhaps it is time that I stop being so stubborn. I do wish to marry. I do wish to have a family." I only wish that it could be with Avi. And yet, she feared that it could never be. That any chance they might've had is long gone now. Off in the wind and never to raise its beautiful head she so desperately wished for. That she has dreamt of happening for years now.

Ah, yes. Her oh-so-dear brother. "I believe as long as I don't spend another season as a spinster, he'll be happy," she laughed. Although it was rather bitter. She loved her brother, truly. Even though their relationship was... strained, at best. But she knew how exasperated he has become with her by this point. She has been on the marriage market since she was eight and ten years old, and she has had at least one suitor each season since then. At the beginning, she could marry any of them because they didn't give her a certain feeling that she desperately craved. Finding that feeling with her best friend, she has now spent every season since then sabotaging her courtships in the hopes of one day being with the tutor.

It killed her not to speak of her feelings with her family. Josie was the only person who knew that she'd fallen in love and was the only person that she trusted to keep her secret. Should her brother find out... Safiye did not wish to know what he would do in retaliation. She shook her head at her niece's words. "I think you are splendid," she pointed out. Setting her hands on her shoulders and leaning down to rest her head against Ayla's. "And anyone would be lucky to marry you. But, if you wish to be on your own, then I support it. I truly hope Ela does receive that; we deserve to see one of our own have a beautiful marriage and a wonderful wedding. I wish all of us could have that."

"Might?"

Ayla lasers in on the word like a pointer before a hunt. There's even something in her body language, the way her head turns in the direction of her aunt. To take her in. As if seeing her might make another puzzle piece fall into place. Real physical restraint is being exerted, Ayla having to all but clamp her jaw shut to prevent the word that was first in her mind from slipping out. Why? Why on earth would Safiye want this? To not just get married (which was plenty bad on the face of it), but to someone whose hand you had not chosen yourself?

"And what does my dearest, darling father say of your match?" She asks, eyebrow cocked. For the most part, Ayla had resigned herself to an existence of learning about Lord Kara's moods and opinions through other members of the household. She had always been a peripheral figure to him, even as a child, and consequently, she did not know how to be around him. No, it was easier to pry her aunt, her sister, or any of her cousins for information.

Realising she has not followed up on the comment about her own lack of match, Ayla lets out a chuckle. "I pity whoever gets saddled with me. I am perfectly content on my own. Ela will have her fairytale wedding, I'm sure, and then people will finally have no cause to hassle me about my own marriage prospects."

[oflotusandjasmine]

[oflotusandjasmine]

Love was a dream that she wished she could possessed ever since she was a young child. How she read an abundance of novels and poems that talked about love. How she would see couples promenading at the gardens. How she would play pretend and imagine her own Prince or Princess Charming, of them running off together to make a home full of happiness and warmth. That they would see the world together and experience life together. And yet, despite it all, she truly had no knowledge as to what love truly was until Avi came into her life. Until her heart began to beat differently each time she saw him. Until his voice touched her like music, becoming the sweetest melody to her. Until she realized that his happiness was much more important to her than her own. Could she truly did him the love he very much so deserves? Could she bestow upon him a grand happiness that he wants? Was she capable of such beauty? Since the Cup, she grew nervous that she wasn't. That she couldn't be what he needed.

It was pure and utter Hell to want someone yet to believe that you don't deserve that person, that it is better to stay away from them.

Every day, she regretted that letter. Every day, she wished that she could go back and stop herself from writing it. That she could've instead had the courage to tell him about her feelings instead of allowing her fears to overtake her. And yet, Avi deserved someone who could be fearless. Who could be able to shout from the rooftops their complete and utter devotion to him. Who could be able to act on their romantic pursuits without fear controlling them. Avi deserves someone far better than her.

So why did she suddenly feel brave once she sees him? Why did she struggle to speak and to act on her feelings when she was alone, yet suddenly gain the motivation to do everything she wanted the moment he appears? It was as though he himself made her feel brave. The bravery that she wished she could possess all the time. Perhaps it could've stopped her from making such a foolish mistake all those weeks ago and stopped her from hiding from him in shame over that letter.

Now he is here. Now he is before her. And all she wanted was to apologize to him for her cowardice. The moment he stepped back, she took two steps forward. "N-No!" Her head shook rapidly. Unable to tear her eyes away from his features that have become ingrained in both her mind and her heart and her soul. "Don't. Please... Don't leave. I... I appreciate you coming to check on me. You've always been so kind."

an elopement was surely something to be celebrated — avi loved love. the way he poured over sonnets and love stories as old as time, delved into the love letters of abelard and heloise, and dared to dream of a partnership like that of queen nefertiti and pharaoh akhenaten. he’d studied love as if it were a great mystery — something to unravel and discover. and maybe it was, for he had never found himself in love — unless what his heart did every time he saw safiye was love. and if it was, he knew it’d be unrequited love, the most tragic of them all. as he walked through the crowd, he didn’t speak much — his timidity grabbing ahold of him on the rocking ship. avi stood straighter than usual, not from confidence but from nerves. and his coat was too tight across his chest, he’d forgotten his gloves, and the sun felt a little warmer than he’d anticipated. he was overwhelmed and yet — he watched it all in awe, in admiration, and in reverence. there was an aching longing in his heart that he couldn’t shake. a ache for the trembling sweetness, the giddy smiles, and the and the utter devotion of love between the married couple — something he desperately wanted in his future.

quietly, devotedly, and in secret he wanted safiye.

but, her letter had left him with a scar on his heart. not one he blamed her for at all — she had other duties she had to prioritize. avi didn’t deserve all the time she’d dedicated so selflessly to him and helping him tutor the children of london who were most in need. and he was so grateful for all she had done, but he knew safiye was a noblewoman and eventually that would take her away from him. avi missed safiye’s voice, her warm presence, and the joy she brought to his heart. and once he’d stepped foot onto the ship, he’d been looking for her. he wasn’t sure he’d have the courage to speak to her, no, but he just wanted to see her and make sure she was alright.

however, he managed to watch her slip away — and he had to follow. call it madness or blame the love in the air, but avi suddenly had a surge of boldness coursing through his veins and he so desperately wanted to talk to safiye. he wasn’t sure exactly where she went, though, and he found himself searching in rooms nearly frantic to find her. avi opened yet another door, fully expecting to be disappointed by a quiet room but his heart stopped in his chest. she was there right in front of him and he couldn’t find the words to speak.

safiye looked as breathtaking as ever — her sheer beauty rendering him speechless. he hadn’t thought through it all, he hadn’t imagined what he’d say when he had found her. not to mention, she likely didn’t want to be around him — she’d avoided him since her letter, after all. “oh,” he blushed, his eyes too scared to find hers, “i just wanted to ensure that you’re alright. i…i noticed you leave the crowd and i got worried.” rubbing the back of his neck nervously, avi stepped backwards, “but, i can leave you alone.”

[oflotusandjasmine]

closed starter — safiye & avi

It was agony to be here. Of course, she was most happy for the wedded couple. If not quite surprise and confused regarding the younger man. Love, however, was uncontrollable. Even those who claimed to be against the prospect of marriage, such as Tobias, was not immune to love's wiles. But how could one be at a wedding when they could not be with the one they love most? The moment she spotted Avi amongst the crowd on the ship, her heart ached for her to be with him. It ached to apologize for her letter and for vanishing since the Baron's Cup, hoping that he would forgive her. That he would admit that it's been agony as much for him to not have been with her these past few weeks. That he ached for her.

Her heart ached for Avi. Yet her brain, fearful, ran away.

Breaking her promise to Josephine had not been intentional. She had meant to tell him about her feelings. And yet, instead, she foolish secluded herself from him. Disappointing the man and their pupils as well. The image of rejection had coursed through her mind and became far too unbearable. She couldn't tell him how she felt. She was much too afraid to. And now, she's lost him.

Taking a moment in the captain's quarters, Safiye tried to breathe. Sipping away at her lemonade, too anxious to try the rum just yet, while her thoughts kept returning to the man. As always, he looked so beautiful. It took everything inside of her not to kiss the man and confess her feelings for him. As her mind race, she heard the door to the cabin open. The woman wincing and beginning to turn around, believing it to be either of the married couple. "I am terribly sorry; I promise I was about to leave—... A-Avi?"

Her eyes widened and she froze. It was him. The man she's loved in secret for years. The man she has hidden away from since the Cup. The man whom her heart ached for with every beat. The man whom she has missed horribly since she last saw him. "I... What... Wh-What are you doing here...?"

location: piet's ship

when: may 1813

who: @secretgcrdens

[oflotusandjasmine]

The poets hadn't prepared her for Avi Lakhani. None of the poems nor sonnets or romances she's read about since she was a little girl had. While there had always been the part of her that hoped to one day fall in love, that dreamt of it, Safiye had began to brush those dreams aside the older she became. While she had always been able to notice one's beauty and attractiveness, she never been able to develop a romantic attraction to anyone. She'd never been able to form feelings and for the longest time, she thought she must've been broken. That something must've been wrong with her. The older she got and the more duties she gained, she slowly began to realize that, perhaps, it was for the best. That perhaps she was meant to always be the Kara to take care of her family and try to see them fall in love. For as long as she can remember, that was what she believed her life was to be.

Then she met Avi all those years ago.

Finally, everything changed. For the first time in her life, she understood the poems. She understood the sonnets. She understood the fairy tales. She understood the songs. Never before has she truly felt touch than when she met the tutor. Her dearest, kindest, intelligent, most wonderful friend. The man that she wishes, more than anything, could be more than just her friend. She wished desperately that she could shower him in the very love that he has made her feel all these years and that has grown more and more with each passing second. Her cheeks pinken like lotus blooms and her smile as brightly as the stars. All of which only he was able to conjure from her. "I find your candor most refreshing, Mister Lakhani." Now, if only I could speak my own candor.

It was exciting and daunting to imagine kissing Avi. She has never done so before and after reading so much about true love's first kiss shifting the world on its axis, there was much pressure to do it right. As much as she wished to, Safiye found herself nervous that she wouldn't be able to kiss him with the love, softness, happiness, and passion that he deserved, even though she greatly wanted to. She didn't know how to. Would she be horrendous at it? Would it change any feelings he could have for her? It was truly nerve-wracking. Her eyes widen at his words, but so too did her smile. She laughed softly, "I do hope the same. I can't imagine a world without you; you are my best and most favourite partner." As friends, as lovers, as husband and wife, as parents, it didn't matter. As long as he was in her world, everything would be perfect. Her blush darken. Oh, how she could kiss him right there without a single care in the world! How he was truly most splendid and magnificent!

"Care to hear something?" With her eyebrow cocked and her smile sheepish, she took a step closer. "I feel the exact same way." Soon, she thought. I shall tell him how I feel soon. Holding her hand and arm out, she nodded towards the vendors. "Shall we promenade? I want as much more time with you as possible. Perhaps the children will see us and ask if we could play with them."

for as long as avi had known safiye, he’d never once seen her put herself first. she was selfless, compassionate, and utterly devoted to helping others. and while he’d watched her in awe — falling in love with her heart and soul as well as her beauty — avi still hoped one day she’d chase her dreams and go after her desires. he didn’t know what her truest desires were, of course, but he could only imagine they included getting out of mayfair and marrying someone intelligent and talented — someone who could give her the world. he knew he was selfish with her and it wasn’t intentional by any means, but asking her to help him tutor, exchanging books with her, and the like — it was taking safiye’s time away from herself. and he’d hate to be the one who stood in the way of her happiness. her mere presence healed something in avi — she was an elixir and he always craved more. with safiye, avi felt loved. not romantically, of course — she could never love him like that. but he felt loved as a friend, as a person. she cared for him in ways no one else ever had. the simple fact that she’d ever devoted a moment of her time to avi was proof enough that she put others first.

he stood, mouth agape as he fought for words. how was it that a man who had read all of shakespeare’s sonnets multiple times couldn’t find the words to speak? couldn’t imagine expressing his devotion to her without trembling? if shakespeare were to have written a play about avi — surely it would’ve been a tragic comedy about a man too afraid to talk to the woman he’d fallen for. all he could do was grin bashfully. he was terrified that his compliments had crossed a boundary. safiye had every right to send him away, tell him to never speak to her again — but she didn’t. instead, it was as if pink roses bloomed on her cheeks and her smile was enough to make avi’s heart forget to beat. “you don’t need to thank me, miss kara. i’m only being honest,” another smile as he shyly sought out her gaze. there was so much more he wanted to say, but he couldn’t. and that killed him.

even though avi had never been kissed, he’d, again, poured over enough of shakespeare’s work to imagine what it might be like to kiss safiye. though, he was sure not even shakespeare would’ve been able to capture safiye’s beauty. he had to shake himself from his thoughts — it wasn’t right to be daydreaming about sharing a kiss with safiye, but the thought alone had avi’s cheeks burning. “i do hope we’re never separated,” he smiled before his eyes grew wide, “i mean, as a team. never separated as a team.” her next words had him dizzy. while she didn’t seem to see him as a potential suitor — and who could blame her — she wanted to spend time with him. “i would never want you to miss out on love,” he admitted, “but i must admit, i quite enjoy having you to myself.” perhaps that was too much, perhaps he’d gone too far — but something in the spring air was electrifying him.

[oflotusandjasmine]

@secretgcrdens

Wish I was kissing you instead of thinking about you

[oflotusandjasmine]

She winced at her words, though she knew it all came from a place of love. Safiye wished that she could have both. She has spent her entire life taking care of her family, ensuring that they were well and happy as can be. Even with her studies, she has done so not only to improve her own knowledge, but to nurture the minds of others. She has been there for and taken care of others that, when it came to herself, she hasn't fully allow herself to go after what she wanted. She hasn't told Avi how she felt. She hasn't sign up for the academy, despite now being open for women for some time now. She hasn't confronted her brother for the way he's raised his children and how she had to step up and practically raise them herself. There was so much she has wanted to do, yet has been too scared to do so.

"You're right," she whispered. Swallowing thickly before nodding. Even though their differing statuses never meant much to her, it has stopped her due to not wishing to scandalize her family. After everything they've been through, she didn't want to risk making their situation worse. But could she truly do so just because she chose to be happy with the man she loves? She knows that they would be happy for her and would be supportive. At least, she hoped they would be. "I'll... I'll try to tell him soon. I will fight for him." He deserved that. Safiye's eyebrows furrowed. "What do you mean?" Sitting up straight, she reached out to take her friend's hand into her own. "There are always second chances, Josie. I don't believe for a second that what you two have together is over."

Josephine would do anything for her friend. She would fight their corner for as long as they needed her too. She loved Safiye - she was like an additional sister to Josephine. "I do understand that but you can't have things both ways." She sighed. "I think you just need to figure out what you want. Because this will either end with you getting Avi but there will be a scandal. Or you will end up without him and are you willing to lose him? Do you care so much about appearances that you would risk it?" She had never been one to mince words. She had never seen much of a point to do that. Safiye, to Josie, needed a little more tough love, she thought. "Isn't it better to tell him and be able to move on with your life than live in the limbo without knowing?" She would always think that. "Would I fight for him?" Josephine repeated, as a question. She didn't need to think about it. She knew the answer. She loved him but she had never fought for him. "Safiye, it's so different." She sighed. "We had our chance. It's done. It's different than you and Avi."

[oflotusandjasmine]

My family. For a moment, relief began to course through her being. Safiye knew that he left all those years ago. That he went off to other countries and to see the world after her rejection. After that, she knew of nothing that happened to the younger man. She knew nothing about his life, whether he married or remained single such as she. Yet, the scholar couldn't helped but to hope that he had found someone abroad. That he gained the love that he very much so deserves and developed a family. That he had moved on past from their courtship happily. The last thing she wanted for the man was for him to harbour any lingering emotions for her after all this time. Certainly he deserves better than that. Certainly he deserves a happy life, whatever that may look like.

Then he continued on: My cousins. "Oh," she says softly. Nodding as she took in his words. His extended family... Not a wife or husband or spouse with children, like she had hoped. And yet, she tried not to think negatively. After all, he could very well still be married or courting someone new. Him being here with his cousins did not change that. Nor would it until she received an answer clear as day from him. Then she is allowed to panic to herself.

His situation... "The inheritance, yes. I have heard about it a little." It sounded like quite an amount of stress that his grandfather was placing on him and his cousins. But she couldn't say such a thing. After all, it wasn't her place to nor did she believe that he would take her words kindly, even if they did come from a good place. Her feelings for him have not have grown past caring for the man, but she certainly did not want him to have to struggle or be unhappy. "I am very sorry to hear of that. I do sincerely hope that your time here is as happy as can be. I am certain that there are people and obligations that you would rather return to than be having to deal with this." Curiosity soon came to her. She couldn't really help herself as she asked, "Where did you return from, Mister Levy?"

For a moment, she wondered how differently all of this would be had she been less afraid to speak her truth years ago. If she would be married by now with children. If this conversation would be so much harder to navigate with Joseph. She wasn't quite sure. But she was certainly relieved that this wasn't harder than it already is. "I have been well, thank you. I am still tutoring, though I have been pondering on applying to the institute to further my own education. Perhaps open my own school someday. There's still much that I am keeping in mind regarding my future."

A nod at which some tension in his neck visibly fades, and shoulders, that had been raised in suspense, fell. He fought a sigh of relief and clenched his jaw instead. Silly, idiotic. So she still went by her maiden name, so she had likely never married - what was it all to him now? Why should he feel relief at the concept of her singleness, or unrest, or any sort of emotion for that matter? That chaper of his life he had finished and left behind the moment the anchors had been lifted at Portsmouth, since replaced with pages upon pages of faded travel journals, diaries and subpar speeches hastily scribbled onto a used napkin. Hard work had been put into erasing most, if not all, of his last fateful season in London, into exchanging the identity of the broken-hearted, spoiled ambassador's son with something more substantial, something meaningful.

A ray of sun hit a chandelier nearby, and Joseph blinked against the sudden change in light. An awkward stiffness suddenly gripped him. Back on square one, as if he had never left - it occurred to him now, as his soles shuffled over the expensive flooring, as he squinted against the light reflected in the crystalline chandelier, as Safiye asked him if he was here to support a rider, that whatever good he may have done on the continent, whatever word he may have spread, meant nothing here. It might have never happened at all, might have been a prolonged daydream, some strange state of delusion. Curious, how the simply sight of a familiar face might undo all that one had worked so hard to change about oneself.

A sinking feeling in his gut, and a bitter taste in his mouth, as his body betrayed him and worked hard to recount just exactly how her rejection had felt. Joseph cleared his throat and clasped his hands behind his back to give them soemthing to do. A simple nod - yes, of course he remembered her niece, just as he remembered every other detail about her life she had been generous enough to share with him - followed by a simple shake of his head. Once he found it within himself to tear his eyes from her he gave the area around them a quick scan. "No, I'm afraid I do not care for the races very much. I am here with -" his brows drew together as he looked over his shoulder, at the now empty spot that he could've sworn one of his cousins had occupied just a mere moment ago. " - family. If-If you could call it that. My cousins." A word that had always seemed so distant to him, it might as well mean 'strangers'. Even now he had trouble wrapping his head around how others could be so spectacularly close to their cousins. Joseph shook the thought off. "I'm sure you might have heard about my... situation." The inheritance, the sudden arrival back in England, the awkward rat race to the Everley fortune. "Or if you - I mean - What I mean to say is ... it was not my decision to return."

And he almost thought to add As I am sure it wasn't yours either. All those years and she had never married - all those years that Joseph had been positive her rejection had stemmed from the love for another. Once he'd wrapped his head around the whole thing properly he'd surely be enraged, but for now he settled for confusion. It would be frightfully impertinent to ask outright, excruciatingly impolite, but Joseph could barely restrain himself. "...And how have you been, Miss Kara? How have the last years, um, treated you?"

[oflotusandjasmine]

Titles in the Ottoman Harem: from the 18th century to the end of the empire  

[oflotusandjasmine]

Safiye has always been an old soul. And for as long as she could remember, she has taken care of others. As the eldest Kara daughter and her parents focusing on her brother to prepare him to become the next lord of the house, it became her responsibility to care for her younger siblings. It soon became her responsibility to care for her nieces and nephews as well, especially for Ayla, Eren, and Ela. For her entire life, she took care of her family. And the older she became, the more she learned about knowledge of the world, the more she began to realize how much she loved being able to teach others. To nurture others' minds, hearts, and souls. It was her very nature to care for others that she often forgot, or perhaps neglected, to care for herself. To allow herself to become happy. Though, perhaps that wasn't entirely true at all. Because when she is with Avi, when they are teaching together, playing with the children together, conversing together, sharing books together, that was the greatest joy she has ever known. For once, she was cared by someone that she cared for. For once, she was truly seen by someone.

For once, she was truly happy and didn't feel guilty about it. Avi Lakhani made her happy. And as he blushed over her words and shyly smiled, as he looked at her that way, she began to wonder: did she make him as happy as he made her? "Of course," she whispered. "I mean every word, Mister Lakhani. Oh—" The woman began to blush, laughing shyly and looking at the grass for a moment. Her veil covering her features before she glanced back up at him. Not even the stars could make her smile like he does. "Thank you, truly. I greatly appreciate your kind words."

Time soon slowed down. He glanced down at her lips and, softly, she held her breath. Would he kiss her? Does he want to kiss her? If he did, she would happily kiss him right back. Right here, in the middle of the Baron Cup, without a single thought of anyone who might see them. For there was no one else in the world but him. No one else that she would rather be with than him. "The best." They truly were a marvelous duo, weren't they? She wasn't quite sure what brought her back to the present. But, admittedly, she knew that she wanted to kiss him when it was truly just the two of them. No Cup, no crowds, no vendors: just them and each other, happy to be together. Nodding, she almost wanted to laugh. If anyone was the cause of her missing out on love, it would be herself. "Quite. Besides, I prefer your company than that of any suitor. I'm quite content on missing out on love with one of them." The only one I want to share love with is right before me.

avi had been a loner for much if his life — not by choice, it was just the cards he’d been dealt. he’d have done anything to have friends as a child or siblings, but he wasn’t blessed enough to have either. he’d spent his youth with his parents as his only friends, escaping to books and stories to believe he wasn’t alone. it’d taken a hit to his self-esteem, causing him to grow more shy and more timid. deep down, he knew he could’ve done more — he could’ve been bold, he could’ve tried. but he had deemed it safe to stay in his bubble. if he could go back in time and change things, he would, but all he could do was move forward and try to change his life, safiye had been a huge influence in making him feel less lonely. she saw him — she looked into his eyes, she didn’t gaze past him. and he couldn’t have felt more grateful that their paths had aligned. his legs grew weak as she complimented him, and he knew the blush on his cheeks was impossible to ignore. how could safiye, a woman with such grace, beauty, and intelligence think so highly of him? he could only hope it wasn’t a joke or that his mind was playing tricks on him. “i…” he rubbed the back of his neck nervously, “thank you, miss kara.” a shy smile pulled on his lips, “i think you are so lovely, inside and out. and so kind and brilliant.” he shifted on his feet, averting his gaze as his heart pounded rapidly in his chest.

safiye had changed countless lives — including his own — and he’d been lucky enough to bear witness to it. the way children looked up to her, the way they begged her to play with them, and the way they hung onto every word she said — there was no doubt she was making a difference in the world. and he wished he could hold her hand as she did so, but that could never happen. and a sharp pang stung his heart.

he was certain he’d melt right there — right in front of her as her fingers touched his cheek and as she stood so close to him. his eyes flickered from hers down to her lips and back up. he could stay in this moment forever if only physics would allow it. capturing his lower lip between his teeth, he couldn’t help but beam, “and what a great team we make, huh?” the moment she stepped back, he felt as if he could no longer breathe — desperate for her closeness again, but knowing society forbade it. “are you quite sure you don’t mind me tagging along with you? my presence might prevent any suitors from approaching and…i wouldn’t want to be the cause of you missing out on love,” he explained, his fingers fighting with the buttons of his coat.

[oflotusandjasmine]

THE SECRET GARDEN (1993) dir. Agnieszka Holland

[oflotusandjasmine]

"Josie..." She sighed softly. Yet she couldn't bite back the gentle smile that formed. Safiye wanted to believe her words. That she, too, was intelligent, charming, kind, and beautiful. It was, however, quite hard to believe that she was deserving of a chance to be with Avi. Deep within her heart, she knew that she would be happy with him. That she would only grow to love him more and more with each day. But did he believe the same? "I don't want to do anything that could scandalize my family," she said. Knowing that the Hermance daughter would understand. There was a pause though. "But..." She bit down on her bottom lip. "But... I want to tell him. I've held it in for so long that it's become unbearable now not to. I'm... I am scared, though. Of what he might say. How he might feel." Tucking some of her waves behind her ear, she looked back at her dear friend. Eyeing her carefully. "Would you tell Atticus? Would you fight for him?"

"I believe that you have described yourself there, my love." She wouldn't stand to hear Safiye speaking down upon herself - not that she had right now. She truly wished that she could make things better for the other. "Oh to hell with that." Josephine huffed. She was sick to death of peoples social standing seemingly being in the way of what people she cared about wanted. If Safiye wanted to be with Avi, then she thought that she should be allowed to. She thought her best friend deserved to have everything that she had ever wanted. "Safiye ... have you told him this?" She questioned. "If you feel so strongly for him then you need to tell him." She was well aware how hypocritical she was being. It wasn't like she had been totally honest with Atticus, after all.

[oflotusandjasmine]

Despite herself, she chuckled at Ayla's words. "How fortunate that he knows better. Or should know better, at least." Though she wouldn't quite put it past her nephew from attempting to do so merely to antagonize his younger sister. She certainly did all she could to ruffle her brother's feathers when they were growing up. However, she would absolutely deny it should he bring it up now that they were grown. Even though they would both know the truth.

It always meant greatly that her niece trusted her enough to let her touch her. She understood why she wasn't the greatest fan of physical contact. After everything she been through growing up, it was perfectly understandable. Even though it was quite heartbreaking. Her brother did his best, she was sure. Though it didn't stop her from being a bit frustrated with how he raised his children. Nor did it stop her from doing everything she could to take care of them, even when she was merely a child herself. It was hard not to look at Ayla, Eren, and Ela, only to see them as her own children instead. Words that she would never utter aloud.

The corner of her lips turned up in a smile. "Who knows? Maybe you'll make a match all on your own this season," she mused. Setting down the brush and slowly beginning to braid her hair. "I... might be considering giving my own match a genuine chance. I'm still not sure." Safiye did not want to. But, perhaps it was for the best.

Ayla had never learnt to be comfortable with physical touch. An onlooker might ascribe it to the circumstances of her upbringing: most people in her immediate circle had been too sick for a hug or a kiss on the cheek to feel appropriate. Her mother, then Ela. And with her father all wrapped up in his grief like a woollen blanket, the eldest Kara daughter had learnt to make do by creating distance. Keeping everyone at bay. "You're the only one. If my brother tried, I would have no choice but to step on his foot, I fear."

That, for whatever reason, had not been extended to Safiye. Ayla may not voice her gratitude for the other, but the sheer fact that her aunt's hand is in her hair, without eliciting complaint, should be proof enough. "I am ecstatic," she says. "Her Majesty must have either forgotten about me, or decided I was not the marrying sort. Either way, no match for me. How fortuitous."

[oflotusandjasmine]

Perhaps there was the possibility of the rider being polite. Perhaps he had saw Ela and thought to be kind by giving her the primrose. Perhaps it came from a place of generosity. Or perhaps it was far more romantic. Perhaps he had saw the young Kara and was taken by her delicate beauty, her dark as night waves and starry eyes. Perhaps he had been captivated and knew that he needed to present her with a gift. Perhaps this was his opportunity of making himself known to her. It all sounded like a story from one of Ela's fairy tales—at least, the sweet ones with a genuine happily ever after. The stories that she enjoyed sharing with her growing up. If anyone deserve a fairy tale-esque happily ever after, it was her dear niece. Allah knows everything she's been through during her short time on this place they call their home. "It's very lovely," she agreed. "Although, I am quite biased and believe that you are even lovelier." The woman has always been ready to sing her family's praises. To lift them high and help them see how extraordinary they truly are.

She nodded. Her smile growing noticing how her eyes sparkled. "I know so," she mused. Her hand placing itself on Ela's arm before her thumb rubbed gently. "You are deserving of all the flowers your heart may want." Her brow quirked up at the comparison. Yet she couldn't hide her beam either. "Hmmm... You never know. Perhaps he could be." Whether a knight or a prince or a king, Ela deserved someone who would treat her with the love and kindness she's always deserved. Someone who would treat her like a queen. Someone who would give her the beautiful fairy tale love that she always wanted. Safiye felt her face soften as her niece spoke. Her hand placed on her shoulder as she looked at her carefully. "Are you all right, Ela...?" It would be quite understandable if discussing Domingo left an ache in her heart. With how close the two had almost been to marrying each other, only for that possible life to be ripped away from them, she knew that it must've been troubling to speak about the man. At the change of conversation, her smile warmed up. Though she was still quite concerned for her niece. "Mmm, I am not sure... He is quite handsome... And charming... And kind... Would it truly be such an awful thing for him to admire you?" Safiye has always loved to hear Ela laugh. For her to smile and have that brightness in her eyes, to know that it reflected the light in her heart. The girl was truly a dreamer. The world needed more of that. "Yes... Yes, I do believe it would be. We all deserve to have someone to believe in us."

Ela’s fingers curled gently around the flower — a soft, yellow primrose — its stem still warm from the hand that had offered it. Her breath caught a little, the pale blossom glowing almost golden in the sunlight. She could still feel the rider’s gaze, just a moment longer than courtesy required. Surely, it had been meant for her aunt. Her aunt who was elegant and composed and utterly herself, even with a hundred eyes upon them. Ela, meanwhile, could feel her own cheeks warming by the second, as though the primrose itself had been plucked from the sun. “Oh, I… I thought he was only being polite,” she murmured, eyes wide as she brought the bloom closer. It smelled of spring and new things and something she couldn’t name. She held it lightly, delicately — as if it might crumble into silk petals if she pressed too hard. Her smile was small, shy, but genuine. “It’s very pretty,” she added in a whisper, as though afraid to admit just how much it meant to her. “I… I’ve never been given one like this before. Not at a race.” Not in front of so many people.

When her aunt insisted it was meant for her, Ela’s face turned a deeper pink, but her eyes sparkled faintly. “Do you really think so?” she asked, glancing shyly toward the track where the riders were lining up. “He looked rather noble on his horse. So sure of himself. Like a knight from one of my books.” She bit her lip, catching herself. “Not that he’s… I mean… it was likely nothing.” She stole a peek up at Safiye, and her smile turned sheepish. “I think I shall always support Mister Demir, of course,” she said softly. “He wears our colours, after all. And Papa would be quite cross if I didn’t.” She giggled lightly. “But I do hope the Alvarado rider does well too. Domingo always had such lovely form. I expect he will win. He was always so sure of his seat, even when we were younger…” Her voice trailed off, tangled somewhere between admiration and memory. Then, with a laugh that was just slightly too high and bright, she added, “But I do not think I have an admirer, Auntie. That’s far too serious a word for a flower and a kind smile.” Her laughter was light, full of that familiar fluttering uncertainty — of a girl not quite sure where she stands in the world, but willing, in her own quiet way, to keep stepping forward. She looked back down at the primrose, her thumb brushing its petal with reverence. “Still,” she murmured, “if someone did wish me luck… it would be rather lovely to believe in it, wouldn’t it?”

[oflotusandjasmine]

Safiye wasn't sure how to breathe. She couldn't remember how to. All she could do was stare at Joseph while memories flooded her mind. Memories of their conversations, of their dances, of their courtship. In many ways, Joseph was remarkable and incredibly kind. She knew that anyone would be lucky to marry him. To be his partner for the rest of their lives together. To have a family together. To see the world together. To experience a love together. She knew that she would've been quite a lucky woman to have been his wife, age difference or not. Though, the latter had never been too much of a concern for her. No, that was the least of the problems that arose regarding their courtship. While he had been courting her with the intention of marrying her, she had been courting him due to societal expectations. She did not desire a life with him, even though she knew that she could've had a good life with him. That he would've been a good father to their children.

But... She did not want that with him. And she couldn't have been an entire lifetime of that with him when the whole time, she dreamt of such a life with another man. She knew that she could've loved him, eventually. But in her heart, he would've always remained a friend. Not her greatest love. How was that fair? How could she have married him yet wished that she was with another? How could she have done that?

Though, the greatest question she's held has been whether it's been selfishness or selflessness to end so in the first place. She was to be seven-and-thirty this season, and she has never been married. She knew that her brother was becoming rather exasperated with her for not having been married by now, and she was scared herself that she might never have children by this point. But... She cannot do. She simply couldn't marry without being in love. And all these years, she's never loved anyone except for one man.

She couldn't change her tune now.

Swallowing thickly, she gave a cautious yet warm smile. Nodding at her name, though trying not to wince at the uncertainty in his tone. "Thank you, Mister Levy. As do you." Truly, once he found the right person, they were going to be so lucky. Gesturing to the race tracks, she continued, "A friend of mine is representing us for the day, so my family and I are here to support him. You remember my niece Ela, yes? I was able to convince my brother to let her come along." Safiye licked her lips. Her head tilting to the right. "How about yourself...? Are you here to support your family's rider or another?"

And here was something he certainly hadn't missed, London's social scene. Shallow, superficial, frivolous as it all was, from the decor to the activities, and of course the conversation, too. Perfunctorily he was asked about his time on the continent, if the Viennese threw balls half as well as the English, and whether or not he prefered the constant cover of clouds and rain looming over Mayfair to the smothering heat of Italian summers. And, perfunctorily and for politness sake, he would nod, force a laugh or a smile, and ask an equally dull question about the weather, the opera or whatever event had come to pass in the last five business days. It was for politness sake, too, that he found himself in attendance in the first place. His father had been called away on urgent business to the palace and Joseph, sniffing a chance to get out of attending the baron's cup, had offered to accompany him, assist him in whatever he might need, but he had promptly been shut down. For the best, too, if he thought about it. Most days he'd slip out of the house after breakfast and not return until most of the household had retired for the night, some days he would not even show his face at all. Perhaps he might make up for it all with this outing.

Yet there he found himself, and found that a family outing with his estranged cousins was far from a pleasant afternoon, and considered that next time he should really insist on accompanying his father, wherever it was he had to go. With a nod he excused himself from a countess mustering him with the pitying gaze of an acquaintance of his later mother and slipped out for some air.

Promptly he was met with another reason why he should learn to avoid social gatherings in the future. Joseph's lids fluttered at the sight, matching the beat of his heart, and a shaky exhale was punched from his chest. Met with the mirage of the face that had haunted his dreams all those sleepless nights on the ship from Portsmouth to Venice his first instinct was to wave a hand through the image, try to dispel it, but he clenched his fists instead, grounding himself on the sensation of his nails digging into his palms. Undoubtedly - it was her. How foolish he had been to bask in such boredom, and the presumed knowledge that she would likely have married and moved away, which he had convinced himself to be fact.

Before unwelcome memories and flashes of the past, of an encounter so eerily similar to this, have the chance to bear their ugly heads he acts quickly, and her curtsy is mirrored with a bow. Joseph swallowed against a lump in his throat. "Miss ... Kara." There is uncertainty in his inflection on both words. Was she married? Had she kept her name? Or, perhaps, divorced and returned to her name? Or widowed? Or - The words escape him before he has time to stop himself. "You look well", quickly followed by, "What are you doing here?"

[oflotusandjasmine]

The inner corners of her brows furrowed together slightly as she looked up at him. His words taking her completely by surprise. Did he truly believe that? Was that how he saw himself? It felt entirely wrong. And the woman shook her head, unknowingly taking a step closer to him. Her words gentle yet firm as she said, "You are wonderful, Mister Lakhani. You are intelligent, you are kind, you are patient, you are understanding, you are compassionate, you are warm: you are the very word personified. I can promise you that. I have never lied to you before and I am not about to begin now. I hope you are capable of believing me."

Every word of hers rang with truth. Over the past few years, she has been able to witness Avi in a way that she's never seen in another person before. She has grown to care about him more than she thought possible. The man before her was the personification of love. Through his love of knowledge, through his love of teaching, through his love of children, through his love towards those closest to him, through his love of curiosity, through his love of the world; how anyone could look at him and not see him for the brilliant man that he is was truly the most inconceivable notion to her. Even more so than the idea of him ever possible loving her back.

She believed in him greatly. And she knew that there was so much more of his brilliance that the world was waiting to see. She only wished that he would see that in himself as well.

Her thumb gently brushed over his cheekbone, the feeling of his own touch causing her breath to catch in her throat. The rest of the world melted away and in that moment, she was overcome with the desire to kiss him. To pull him in and finally have their lips meet, to finally share with him how she felt towards the man. That feeling only grew as his eyes shown and he laughed. "I would be honoured to," she mused softly. "I will always be on your team." Perhaps that was the closest she could get to saying 'I love you' right now. Those three words coated each letter in her sentence like sweet honey to a honeycomb, like raindrops on flowers. She wanted to say them, yet she knew this wasn't the right time either. And so, reluctantly, she pulled away. Her hands held behind her back, still feeling warm and tingly from touching the tutor. Her smile grew as he ran his fingers through his dark, thick waves. Oh, how she wished she could do the very same. "Oh, you could never intrude," she assured him with a shake of her head. Her heart felt victorious. "I suppose you're not alone anymore—I'm here with you."

safiye had been a source of comfort for avi — even in the moments that had his head swirling, his heart pounding, and his palms sweating — she still found a way to ease him with her very presence. it was a beautiful juxtaposition, really, that the woman was able to elicit such feelings of peace whilst causing his heart to race at a rhythm he didn’t know possible. her smile lit up all of mayfair, it seemed, and how lucky he was to get to admire it up close. she enhanced the already bright and sunny day.

there was a sense of hope that warmed his chest whenever their eyes met — and he held onto those moments. avi had drank in pages and pages of books and poetry that spoke of love, but he never imagined he'd experience being in love and having someone love him back firsthand, but what if one day he did? and what if it could be with safiye — no, he couldn't even let himself think of that.

avi's jaw dropped as her words swept over him, a breath hitched in his throat. "i'm...i'm not wonderful, miss kara," he smiled softly, shaking his head, "far from wonderful." he reached up, gently running his hand over where her touched still lingered, "but you are wonderful." the world around them — children's laughter, the hum of the crowd — had gone silent and he felt as if they were the only two there. his eyes lit up and a laugh slipped through his lips, "i would love it if you joined me next time. it'd be nice to have someone on my team." it was certainly a lovely thought, to run through a field with safiye, but he knew this world wouldn't allow it. running his fingers through his hair, he was able to take a breath. she hadn't come with a suitor — which meant, maybe, just maybe he had a chance of earning her affections. "i'm sure you're all having a wonderful time together. i promise i won't intrude for long," a hand over his heart. "oh, no. i'm here alone," he added, a small smile on his face. always alone.