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[ohcalmdown]

Hello in 2023.

well shit. it’s been a long fucking while since i’ve updated.

i’m currently going through a software engineering bootcamp for the last few months and i’m currently on the verge of being drunk lmao.

life has been a trip. i’ll have to talk about my intensive outpatient program one day since i owe a lot of coping skills to that program but not today.

i’m currently one year in with my partner, C. i love her very much but i guess we are at two different places in our lives because through experience, i crave understanding the nuances of intimacy. while i have had my share of different relationships, i am her first adult relationship. some part of me feels insecure about this because i worry that i may not measure up, you know?

i’m a real piece of work. a lot of the things that i’ve grown accustomed to because there was no other option turns out to actually be pretty damn abnormal lol. 

anyways, i’m just trying to get out of fucking healthcare and get used to writing again.

[ohcalmdown]

I Want This to Work

this is going to be a post of quotes that stop me in my tracks while reading. i just want to keep it somewhere that i can refer back to. i got this book because i want our relationship to thrive, especially in these times. it feels like there is no end in sight. anyway, i digress....

01/05/22.

Like many of us live within relationships that at best feel inadequate and at worst feel unbearable. We stay in them because we get caught up in the concept of “making it work.” Unfortunately, these relationships don’t honor our needs, feelings, experiences, goals, and dreams. They become a catalyst for the loss of the self, when really they should be a catalyst for growth.

I define modern love as the act of honoring both people in a relationship. It is not love if you do not honor the self, and it is not love if you do not honor the other.

Self-loss and relational loss are two sides of the same coin: we betray or abandon those we love the most when there is nothing left within us. Rather than being open and transparent, we communicate without respect for ourselves or our partner.

Relational thinking requires you to examine how to show up fully as yourself while helping your partner to do the same.

Relationships are a series of moments in which we decide whether to honor the self or diminish it.

[ohcalmdown]

01/05/22, 11:25am

Happy New Year!

i think that i’d like to make it a point to write more this year. i should. i’d like to find a better outlet to anchor my thoughts and who i am, who i was, who i am becoming.

the things i want for myself: to be secure in my sexuality, to ask for what i want more, to give a shit about myself more than others, to finish what i say that i will finish, to speak my truth unapologetically, to create healthy boundaries, and to create healthier routines.

look at how far you’ve come, Ave. i’m so proud of you man.

[ohcalmdown]

[ohcalmdown]

Alligator eyes shining in the sunset, Myakka River State Park, Florida

[ohcalmdown]

11/03/21, 12:20

i think that i am at a point of crystallizing my true self. the price to pay is to risk safety.

[ohcalmdown]

11/02/21, 19:10.

i thought about how i wouldn’t even know if you hurt yourself and it made my heart sink.

i want to ask “are you okay?”, “are you eating well?”, “have you been sleeping?”.

i want to tell you “i am sorry and how can i make you feel safe again?”

there’s a lot of changes happening in my life but i want to make room for you when you’re ready to put down your armor.

[ohcalmdown]

11/02/21, 08:32

I realize that in my conversation with Vivienne, I had dissociated that day. The feeling felt familiar and I couldn’t ask for help. I tried to focus on the issue in front of me not knowing that I’m freaking out. I’m turning outwards to escape what is inside of me. I can’t feel anything and I know that I should. I told A before Our fight that I had a rough day and that she said to take my time. I was hurt that she didn’t respond to that. I wanted her to ask what happened. She wanted me to tell her but I don’t know the difference between emotional dumping and venting. I feel like she uses these nuanced words and it confuses me. It almost feels like someone is weaponizing my incompetence.

I wonder if it would change anything if she had known that I was helping transfer a very heavy patient into her seat and I was behind her when the hoyer fell onto her head and she had a gash on her face. She starts bleeding all over and we call EMS. I walk away because my nervous system is getting activated by thoughts of D. she starts to seize and I go and hide and I felt so cowardly. I’m angry at myself for not communicating at the time but also I tell myself that you didn’t know and this is why you need to be alone during this time. She needs to be alone during this time. She doesn’t have the capacity to be strong for the both of us.

“It’s always something every day”

It’s only temporary, I say in my head. It’s only temporary but the consequences will color the rest of our relationship. The fact of the matter is that you are not someone that I can depend on. You keep threatening our relationship in subtle ways and it doesn’t make me feel safe. There is no sense of reciprocity and I don’t know why.

I don’t know how I could have been so wrong.

[ohcalmdown]

11/01/21, 19:43

emailed her a song called “Holocene” by Bon Iver, and told her that I was thinking about her.

i did it because i missed her.

i reread the texts and i saw where i had dropped the ball. i am sorry for being more concerned about how activated i was by it that i couldn’t see you wanting me to reassure you. i would have if you had asked. you blame me, you know? and criticize me instead of accepting that this is where i am right now.

it was as if i woke one day trying to work on myself, and it felt as if i couldn’t take that time.

maybe this email thing is helpful. i don’t fucking know.

[ohcalmdown]

this is my absolute favorite.

Odesza Vibes } Winter Chill Mix

[ohcalmdown]

10/31/21, 20:48

i don’t do well being controlled.

i’m too fucking awesome for this shit.

all you can do is show up and show love.

i needed her to show me how to communicate. I can fucking do it. i’m not gonna be mad at myself for not knowing how to do that perfectly. I didn’t have all the information but I’m leveling the fuck up closer to my person. I deserve all the things. And I’m aware that just because I deserve it, it doesn’t mean I am entitled to love.

I just know my worth and I need to protect that. if I am so mean, accusatory, fatalistic, whiny then we should definitely break up. I don’t agree but it sounds like she was unhappy and that’s okay.

good luck with everything.

she showed me how to be present in a relationship and I am so appreciative of that.

[ohcalmdown]

10/31/21, 20:37

you don’t have to be perfect to keep love. you need to be in a position to not sabotage it.

think about diamonds. they’re multi-faceted. rough edges. smooth. doesn’t matter how it looks. still a diamond that can let light shine through.

that is enough.

[ohcalmdown]

10/31/21, 13:46

What i loved about how I showed up for this relationship:

I respond to her emotions as a part of her whole, even when it hurts me. I try to see what is underneath it. I just didn’t have the words, and even if i did, it would have never been good enough. That’s illuminating.

I supported her without question. When she’d be reminded of painful experiences that she had with her exes, I’d stand in her corner and say fuck them as any loving partner would and be angry that they would treat my baby like that. She never deserved it. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. 

I made time. When my schedule was hectic, working 50-60 hour weeks traveling between Portland and Astoria, I made time for you baby. You just weren’t ready to compromise your lifestyle after being alone for so long. Sure, you had flings but this was important to you and I showed up. I just can’t show up in the way that you wanted me to. 

I accepted you and all of your flaws without throwing it in your face. Even when you tried to provoke me. Why’d you do that to me, love? Why?

When you were worried about us fighting again, I didn’t blame you and force you to see my perspective. I lovingly made concessions for you because we have to pick our battles. I valued our relationship and showed you in many little ways. It’s always the little things that are so important. It’s because it happens so often that they accumulate quickly.

I was willing to communicate and connect in the best way that i knew how. just because someone doesn’t go to therapy, they can still do the work in their own way that makes sense to them. there are just as many people throwing money at therapists to make them feel better about the “work” that they are doing. if your therapist is telling you that they’re not ready to give up on your partner, maybe the issue isn’t the partner and them offering evidence to support that because you would share these victories in our relationship with them. were they too vulnerable to share with me?

I responded to your needs as best as I could given the emotional resources that I had during this time of me discovering my C-PTSD from working in healthcare during the pandemic pre-vaccine era.

i received her projections of me and gave them right back. i stood up for my damn self without being cruel and activating. i gave myself room to grow. did you honestly say that you gave me that?

i gave you what you needed to the best of my capacity and it increased every time that it happened. wasn’t always perfect but i was consistent.

i continued and still continue to grow and learn from this experience. i’m sorry that you felt like i was going to leave you. you just needed to grow with me. you projected onto me not doing the work when it was truly you that didn’t want to do the work. you wanted me to make it easier for you. so threatened by me taking the time for myself... to take care of myself.

i accepted myself enough to allow mistakes. i just had to rectify them and be compassionate with myself that these things take time. it doesn’t help when someone rushes you by threatening a “pattern” that happened to them in the past. it scared me so much but still, i had the courage to love you without rubbing it in your face. it’s not my responsibility to make you see me. my responsibility is to show up in the best way that i can given the emotional/physical/mental resources that i have.

Evidence (experiences):

i showed up for you when you didn’t have any tampons when you got your period. i think that you wanted to take the day and still, i brought things for you. i went to Target for you and went on a little scavenger hunt! i was enthusiastic to help you.

i responded to you with kindness as i asserted myself against your projections. referring to how coldly you rejected my email. i suspect because i was frustrated that you were walking away from the conversation in the first place. it felt like your heart wasn’t in it in the first place just to spite me. i hate thinking this way but this is what it felt like and it makes me feel so awful thinking about how petty you are. i don’t like that in a partner.

I tried to buy us tickets to Louis the Child and you were having a lot of anxiety. This is okay. we should leave. It’s just money, I tell you. We hug and we get Burger King and made the best of the night. Never brought it up or used it against you. I just wanted to spend time with you.

[ohcalmdown]

10/31/21, 13:37

happy halloween.

you got your shit today and i got mine.

i pray for all the goodness to enter your life.

can i come over in another lifetime?

i miss you.

i miss you.

i miss you.

i miss you.

i miss you.

please, come back home.

the door is always open for you.

we aren’t ready now.

right, but not ready.

i’m sorry that i disappointed you.

[ohcalmdown]

10/29/21, 22:35

I’m feeling strangely okay today. The sun was out. It felt really healing when M held me today. I started to cry on her chest and felt soooo much better. Touch helps me calm down. It’s grounding.

This is why it’s important for me to have my partner present. I didn’t know this. I won’t blame myself for not communicating why it’s helpful. I just didn’t know and that’s okay.

When Ari and I first started dating, she held my hand. It was loving. It was something that was lacking in L’s relationship. affection. this is how I receive love now. Presence is important to me.

our relationship went through a lot of changes in these few months. bad timing. we weren’t incompatible. We just didn’t have a shot and wasn’t able to give it a shot because our timing was off. The relationship was stretched thin. Our resources were stretched thin.

I’m still me. I show up when she needs me to. I’m not mean. I think there’s a confusion between tone and yelling. I found this helpful.

I was validated by V today when reading all of our texts. She understands why she activated me. Ari tries to control the situation when no one is asking her to. If she could just relax and trust that no one is going to hurt her and just let ourselves relax into helping each other, it would help us a lot.

I do remember saying and meaning that maybe we aren’t suppose to be together right now. the timing is off. Kind of came into my life at a point where I was dealing with the deaths of our patients. I switched into traveling role also for her. I needed to remove myself from the situation. This is the work that I had done. It’s not my fault that I didn’t communicate this. I just didn’t know it was the info she needed. That’s why we shouldn’t be so harsh on ourselves.

[ohcalmdown]

10/29/21, 10:26

seeing how you treat me like shit vs. me reacting from a place of fear is really illuminating.

these are conscious words that you choose. It’s been festering and I’ve been feeling like you didn’t really forgive me for breaking up with you the first time. I say this because you brought up the time that I made a mistake when we were first starting out and have been holding me (consciously or subconsciously) to this and refuse to meet me when I have been doing the work. It’s just not as fast as you’d like it to be. I’m really sorry that this is happening to you. I urge you to take some responsibility for your own sake.

I know that you’re hurt and it’s unfortunate that it feels like you don’t appreciate how much work it is for me to respond to you with love. I am not calm. I think you’re misunderstanding how activated I am by your behavior. I’m never calm when you shut me out. It’s so painful. My brain and heart can’t handle it anymore. I am responding with love and you just don’t see it because of your trust issues. You’ve forgotten all the times that I have shown up for this relationship. I don’t know why you were hoping that I’d forget about you emailing me but there’s no point in speculating. You criticize how I deliver the message instead of seeing the message underneath it. You deflect any responsibility. You would rather be right than for us to be okay.

Your expectations are part of chasing a fantasy and not rooted in reality. Of course people will leave and disappoint you. You don’t think that way of thinking is fatalistic?

you went to the dark place like L did.

I hope that you make peace with the fact that you sabotaged this relationship. I will take responsibility for my part. I’m having a hard time but my conscious is clear. I gave this the best that I could and I needed someone to meet me where I’m at and it sounds like you’re not willing/capable. This is okay. I’m practicing acceptance.

Sunday will be the last time I reach out. I’m open to hearing more information but I’m not interested in chasing you anymore. I deserve better. So much better.

[ohcalmdown]

10/29/21, 4:03

I know that im gonna feel bad about it but I gotta let myself be fucking mad…..

Fuck you, bitch. Good luck dying alone. Im so fucking mad that you get to sit on your high horse and look down on me for not being where you’re at. You told me you loved me. You loved what I did for you, not me. You don’t love the ugly parts of me and they’re not even that ugly.

You fucking are.

The recurring pattern isn’t the way that I fight with you. It’s a symptom of you not taking responsibility in how you’ve made me feel unsafe in this relationship. You block intimacy. I ask for what I need and you just fucking give me a hard time or you tell me no. I have a normal reaction to this rejection. It fucking hurts. Can you take your goddamn head out of your ass and realize how you can’t even tolerate what I’ve put up with. You think that you’re better than me. I say that you’re not patient and I ask you if you value me because I feel so taken for granted. I don’t even know why. It’s like you’re still holding a grudge over me for something I didn’t know I did or didn’t do. You would be so much happier if you chilled the fuck out and just be spontaneous and be open to being surprised. But you’re closed off. Being stubborn for no fucking reason. We keep hitting this same wall because you don’t want to change. And that’s fine but at least fucking admit it. Don’t blame me for all this shit. You try to control every thing. Every single goddamn thing. I appreciate that you know what you’re trying to avoid but then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy!!! My needs are important too!!!